In my therapeutic work, there is a distinct pattern that I often see in couples who have been together for a while. After years of engaging in a pursue/withdraw pattern, also known as the “anxious/avoidant attachment dance,” the withdrawer tires of feeling steamrolled or like they are always the problem. They start to bite back. This is how the attack-attack pattern happens in relationships.
From Turning Away to Turning Toward Yeah
This attack-attack pattern features a pursuer (someone who tends to present as angry in conflict and a defensive partner who first withdraws but then counterattacks. While the pursuer is often the one to confront with demands or criticisms, the defensive partner responds with the same put-downs. It’s important to note that each is motivated by slightly different feelings and aims. I’ll present an amalgamation of couples with whom I’ve worked rather than an actual couple I’ve had in therapy.
Sue is a pursuer. She often worries about abandonment in their relationship and is preoccupied with questions of, “Do I matter to my partner? Does he really want to be with me? Does he care about me?”
These fears are triggered in her relationship with John when he stays late at work. She is consumed with fears of being unloved and less important to John than his work. When she’s triggered, Sue gets loud, puts John down, and demands that he stop working so late, or else!
John is a former withdrawer turned defensive attacker. He has a demanding job, and feels a sense of competence from conquering his challenges at work. What he hears when Sue protests his work hours is, “You aren’t good enough. You can’t meet my needs. You are failing, and you just might lose me because of it.”
What John used to do when he heard these messages was to withdraw. He would shut down and hide, and sometimes what this would look like was him retreating into work, where he felt good about himself and that he was not failing. But John has become sick and tired of always feeling like the problem, so he started to bite back. Instead of turning away and hiding, now John turns to Sue and says, “You know what, you aren’t such an angel yourself. What about how you came home an hour late after hanging out with your girlfriends last night? I’m not the only one who comes home late!”
Such patterns are often confusing to both partners. John is confused by his new way of responding—his self-image is rocked. While he used to see himself as a gentle man who valued harmony and would never criticize his wife, he is confused by the new feelings of frustration that have replaced his shame. Sue is shocked—she’s never seen her husband this angry before. The status quo of the relationship has shifted. When I see this pattern in relationships, it’s a clear sign that partners need to turn towards each other in more vulnerable and authentic ways. What is happening in the attack-attack pattern, is that both are turning against each other, while one used to turn away.
As an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) therapist, when I notice this shift toward attack-attack, I try to hold it with both care and curiosity. It’s a sign that something long suppressed is finally breaking through, and it’s often a hidden plea for balance and recognition. Rather than pathologizing the escalation, I frame it as a moment of protest that reveals the depth of both partners’ unmet longings to be seen, understood, and cared for. My first move is to slow the process down so both John and Sue can see the tender emotions driving the harsh words. I might say, “This anger feels big. But can we look at what it’s protecting?” That reframing helps them recognize the humanity in each other’s defenses.
As the work progresses, I guide them toward moments of emotional risk, where the fight gives way to reach. The withdrawer engages and begins to express shame and longing instead of counterattack; the pursuer softens, starting to share fear and sadness instead of blame. These moments are sacred, though rarely neat. They are points where partners start to find each other again. What began as mutual attack becomes the first glimpse of mutual engagement, and from there, the groundwork for secure connection begins to take shape. Through repetition, John and Sue will learn how to communicate in the language of vulnerability, and it will start to feel less scary to take emotional risks. They will no longer feel the need to protect themselves from each other, and no longer see the other as a threat. They will feel safe.
I try to help clients like John and Sue learn to share their feelings and needs in more authentic and vulnerable ways, so that they can break out of patterns of criticism and defensiveness. Sue will learn how to share her needs to feel close and loved, motivating John to meet them rather than reinforcing his feeling that he must defend himself. John will learn to speak from his own experience about not feeling good enough, so that Sue can comfort him rather than feel triggered by his responses, and that’s how attack/attack turns into mutual turning toward.
