The Path to Wholeness: Person-Centered Expressive Arts Therapy

When art and psychotherapy are joined, the scope and depth of each can be expanded, and when working together, they are tied to the continuities of humanity’s history of healing. —Shaun McNiff, The Arts and Psychotherapy

Part of the psychotherapeutic process is to awaken the creative life-force energy. Thus, creativity and therapy overlap. What is creative is frequently therapeutic. What is therapeutic is frequently a creative process. Having integrated the creative arts into my therapeutic practice, I use the term person-centered expressive arts therapy. The terms expressive therapy or expressive arts therapy generally denote dance therapy, art therapy, and music therapy. These terms also include therapy through journal writing, poetry, imagery, meditation, and improvisational drama. Using the expressive arts to foster emotional healing, resolve inner conflict, and awaken individual creativity is an expanding field. In the chapters that follow, I hope to encourage you to add expressive arts to your personal and professional lives in ways that enhance your ability to know yourself, to cultivate deeper relationships, and to enrich your methods as an artist, therapist, and group facilitator.

What is expressive arts therapy?

Expressive arts therapy uses various arts—movement, drawing, painting, sculpting, music, writing, sound, and improvisation—in a supportive setting to facilitate growth and healing. It is a process of discovering ourselves through any art form that comes from an emotional depth. It is not creating a “pretty” picture. It is not a dance ready for the stage. It is not a poem written and rewritten to perfection.

We express inner feelings by creating outer forms. Expressive art refers to using the emotional, intuitive aspects of ourselves in various media. To use the arts expressively means going into our inner realms to discover feelings and to express them through visual art, movement, sound, writing, or drama. Talking about our feelings is also an important way to express and discover ourselves meaningfully. In the therapeutic world based on humanistic principles, the term expressive therapy has been reserved for nonverbal and/or metaphoric expression. Humanistic expressive arts therapy differs from the analytic or medical model of art therapy, in which art is used to diagnose, analyze and “treat” people.

Most of us have already discovered some aspect of expressive art as being helpful in our daily lives. You may doodle as you speak on the telephone and find it soothing. You may write a personal journal and find that as you write, your feelings and ideas change. Perhaps you write down your dreams and look for patterns and symbols. You may paint or sculpt as a hobby and realize the intensity of the experience transports you out of your everyday problems. Or perhaps you sing while you drive or go for long walks. These exemplify self-expression through movement, sound, writing, and art to alter your state of being. They are ways to release your feelings, clear your mind, raise your spirits, and bring yourself into higher states of consciousness. The process is therapeutic.

When using the arts for self-healing or therapeutic purposes, we are not concerned about the beauty of the visual art, the grammar and style of the writing, or the harmonic flow of the song. We use the arts to let go, to express, and to release. Also, we can gain insight by studying the symbolic and metaphoric messages. Our art speaks back to us if we take the time to let in those messages.

Although interesting and sometimes dramatic products emerge, we leave the aesthetics and the craftsmanship to those who wish to pursue the arts professionally. Of course, some of us get so involved in the arts as self-expression that we later choose to pursue the skills of a particular art form. Many artist-therapists shift from focusing on their therapist lives to their lives as artists. Many artists understand the healing aspects of the creative process and become artist-therapists.

Using the creative process for deep inner healing entails further steps when we work with clients. Expressive arts therapists are aware that involving the mind, the body, and the emotions brings forth the client’s intuitive, imaginative abilities as well as logical, linear thought. Since emotional states are seldom logical, the use of imagery and nonverbal modes allows the client an alternate path for self-exploration and communication. This process is a powerful integrative force.

Traditionally, psychotherapy is a verbal form of therapy, and the verbal process will always be important. However, I find I can rapidly understand the world of the client when she expresses herself through images. Color, form, and symbols are languages that speak from the unconscious and have particular meanings for each individual. As I listen to a client’s explanation of her imagery, I poignantly see the world as she views it. Or she may use movement and gesture to show how she feels. As I witness her movement, I can understand her world by empathizing kinesthetically.

The client’s self-knowledge expands as her movement, art, writing, and sound provide clues for further exploration. Using expressive arts becomes a healing process as well as a new language that speaks to both client and therapist. These arts are potent media in which to discover, experience, and accept unknown aspects of self. Verbal therapy focuses on emotional disturbances and inappropriate behavior. The expressive arts move the client into the world of emotions and add a further dimension. Incorporating the arts into psychotherapy offers the client a way to use the free-spirited parts of herself. Therapy may include joyful, lively learning on many levels: the sensory, kinesthetic, conceptual, emotional and mythic. Clients report that the expressive arts have helped them go beyond their problems to envisioning themselves taking action in the world constructively.

What Is Person-Centered?

The person-centered aspect of expressive arts therapy describes the basic philosophy underlying my work. The client-centered or person-centered approach developed by my father, Carl Rogers, emphasizes the therapist’s role as being empathic, open, honest, congruent, and caring as she listens in depth and facilitates the growth of an individual or a group. This philosophy incorporates the belief that each individual has worth, dignity, and the capacity for self-direction. Carl Rogers’s philosophy is based on a trust in an inherent impulse toward growth in every individual. I base my approach to expressive arts therapy on this very deep faith in the innate capacity of each person to reach toward her full potential.

Carl’s research into the psychotherapeutic process revealed that when a client felt accepted and understood, healing occurred. It is a rare experience to feel accepted and understood when you are feeling fear, rage, grief, or jealousy. Yet it is this very acceptance and understanding that heals. As friends and therapists, we frequently think we must have an answer or give advice. However, this overlooks a very basic truth. By genuinely hearing the depth of the emotional pain and respecting the individual’s ability to find her own answer, we are giving her the greatest gift.

Empathy and acceptance give the individual an opportunity to empower herself and discover her unique potential. This atmosphere of understanding and acceptance also allows you, your friends, or your clients to feel safe enough to try expressive arts as a path to becoming whole.

The Creative Connection

I am intrigued with what I call the creative connection: the enhancing interplay among movement, art, writing, and sound. Moving with awareness, for example, opens us to profound feelings which can then be expressed in color, line, or form. When we write immediately after the movement and art, a free flow emerges in the process, sometimes resulting in poetry. The Creative Connection process that I have developed stimulates such self-exploration. It is like the unfolding petals of a lotus blossom on a summer day. In the warm, accepting environment, the petals open to reveal the flower’s inner essence. As our feelings are tapped, they become a resource for further self-understanding and creativity. We gently allow ourselves to awaken to new possibilities. With each opening we may deepen our experience. When we reach our inner core, we find our connection to all beings. We create to connect to our inner source and to reach out to the world and the universe.

Some writers, artists and musicians are already aware of the creative connection. If you are one of those, you may say, “Of course, I always put on music and dance before I paint.” Or, as a writer, you may go for a long walk before you sit at your desk. However, you are not alone if you are one of the many in our society who say, “I’m not creative.” I hope this book entices you to try new experiences. You will surprise yourself.

I believe we are all capable of being profoundly, beautifully creative, whether we use that creativity to relate to family or to paint a picture. The seeds of much of our creativity come from the unconscious, our feelings, and our intuition. The unconscious is our deep well. Many of us have put a lid over that well. Feelings can be constructively channeled into creative ventures: into dance, music, art, or writing. When our feelings are joyful, the art form uplifts. When our feelings are violent or wrathful, we can transform them into powerful art rather than venting them on the world. Such art helps us accept that aspect of ourselves. Self-acceptance is paramount to compassion for others.

The Healing Power of Person-Centered Expressive Arts

I discovered personal healing for myself as I brought together my interests in psychotherapy, art, dance, writing, and music. Person-centered expressive therapy was born out of my personal integration of the arts and the philosophy I had inherited. Through experimentation I gained insight from my art journal. I doodled, let off steam, or played with colors without concern for the outcome. Unsure at first about introducing these methods to clients, I suggested they try things and then asked them for feedback. They said it was helpful. Their self-understanding increased rapidly and the communication between us improved immensely.

The same was true as I introduced movement, sound, and freewriting for self-expression. Clients and group participants reported a sense of “new beginnings” and freedom to be. One group member wrote: “I learned to play again, how to let go of what I ‘know’—my successes, achievements, and knowledge. I discovered the importance of being able to begin again.” Another said: “It is much easier for me to deal with some heavy emotions through expressive play than through thinking and talking about it.”

It became apparent that the Creative Connection process fosters integration. This is clearly stated by one client who said, “I discovered in exploring my feelings that I could break through inner barriers/structures that I set for myself by moving and dancing the emotions. To draw that feeling after the movement continued the process of unfolding.”
It is difficult to convey in words the depth and power of the expressive arts process. I would like to share a personal episode in which using expressive arts helped me through a difficult period. I hope that, in reading it, you will vicariously experience my process of growth through movement, art, and journal writing in an accepting environment.

The months after my father’s death were an emotional roller coaster for me. The loss felt huge, yet there was also a sense that I had been released. My inner feeling was that his passing had opened a psychic door for me as well as having brought great sorrow.

Expressive arts served me well during that time of mourning. Two artist-therapist friends invited me to spend time working with them. Connie Smith Siegel invited me to spend a week at a cottage on Bolinas Bay. I painted one black picture after another. Every time I became bored with such dark images, I would start another painting. It, too, became moody and bleak. Although Connie is primarily an artist, her therapeutic training and ability to accept my emotional state gave me permission to be authentic.

Also, I went to a weekend workshop taught by Coeleen Kiebert and spent more time sculpting and painting. This time the theme was tidal waves—and again, black pictures. One clay piece portrays a head peeking out of the underside of a huge wave. My sense of being overwhelmed by the details of emptying my parents’ home, making decisions about my father’s belongings, and responding to the hundreds of people who loved him was taking its toll. Once again, my art work gave free reign to my feelings and so yielded a sense of relief. Coeleen’s encouragement to use the art experience to release and understand my inner process was another big step. I thought I should be over my grief in a month, but these two women gave me permission to continue expressing my river of sadness. That year my expressive art shows my continued sense of loss as well as an opening to new horizons.

As is often true when someone feels deep suffering, there is also an opening to spiritual realms. Three months after my father’s death, I flew to Switzerland to cofacilitate a training group with artist-therapist Paolo Knill. It was a time when I had a heightened sense of connectedness to people, nature, and my dreams. Amazing events took place in my inner being. I experienced synchronicities, special messages, and remarkable images. One night I found myself awakened by what seemed to be the beating of many large wings in my room. The next morning I drew the experience as best I could.

One afternoon I led our group in a movement activity called “Melting and Growing.” The group divided into pairs, and each partner took turns observing the other dancing, melting, and then growing. Paolo and I participated in this activity together. He was witnessing me as I slowly melted from being very tall to collapsing completely on the floor. Later I wrote in my journal:

I loved the opportunity to melt, to let go completely. When I melted into the floor I felt myself totally relax. I surrendered! Instantaneously I experienced being struck by incredible light. Although my eyes were closed, all was radiant. Astonished, I lay quietly for a moment, then slowly started to “grow,” bringing myself to full height.

I instructed the group participants to put their movement experiences into art. All-encompassing light is difficult to paint, but I tried to capture that stunning experience in color.

Reflecting on these experiences, it seems that my heart had cracked open. This left me both vulnerable and with great inner strength and light. A few days later another wave picture emerged. This time bright blue/green water was illumined with pink/gold sky.

These vignettes are part of my inner journey. I share them for two reasons. First, I wish to illustrate the transformative power of the expressive arts. Second, I want to point out that person-centered expressive therapy is based on very specific humanistic principles. For instance, it was extremely important that I was with people who allowed me to be in my grief and tears rather than patting me on the shoulder and telling me everything would be all right. I knew that if I had something to say, I would be heard and understood. When I told Paolo that I had the sensation of being struck with light, he could have said, “That was just your imagination.” However, he not only understood, he told me he had witnessed the dramatic effect on my face.

Humanistic Principles

Since not all psychologists agree with the principles embodied in this book, it seems important to state them clearly as the foundation for all that follows:

  • All people have an innate ability to be creative.
  • The creative process is healing. The expressive product supplies important messages to the individual. However, it is the process of creation that is profoundly transformative.
  • Personal growth and higher states of consciousness are achieved through self-awareness, self-understanding, and insight.
  • Self-awareness, understanding, and insight are achieved by delving into our emotions. The feelings of grief, anger, pain, fear, joy, and ecstasy are the tunnel through which we must pass to get to the other side: to self-awareness, understanding, and wholeness.
  • Our feelings and emotions are an energy source. That energy can be channeled into the expressive arts to be released and transformed.
  • The expressive arts—including movement, art, writing, sound, music, meditation, and imagery—lead us into the unconscious. This often allows us to express previously unknown facets of ourselves, thus bringing to light new information and awareness.
  • Art modes interrelate in what I call the creative connection. When we move, it affects how we write or paint. When we write or paint, it affects how we feel and think. During the creative connection process, one art form stimulates and nurtures the other, bringing us to an inner core or essence which is our life energy.
  • A connection exists between our life-force—our inner core, or soul—and the essence of all beings.
  • Therefore, as we journey inward to discover our essence or wholeness, we discover our relatedness to the outer world. The inner and outer become one.

My approach to therapy is also based on a psychodynamic theory of individual and group process:

  • Personal growth takes place in a safe, supportive environment.
  • A safe, supportive environment is created by facilitators (teachers, therapists, group leaders, parents, colleagues) who are genuine, warm, empathic, open, honest, congruent, and caring.
  • These qualities can be learned best by first being experienced.
  • A client-therapist, teacher-student, parent-child, wife-husband, or intimate-partners relationship can be the context for experiencing these qualities.
  • Personal integration of the intellectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual dimensions occurs by taking time to reflect on and evaluate these experiences.

The accompanying figure shows the Creative Connection process and principles, using expressive arts therapy. It shows how all art forms affect each other. Our visual art is changed by our movement and body rhythm. It is also influenced when we meditate and become receptive, allowing intuition to be active. Likewise, our movement can be affected by our visual art and writing, and so forth. All the creative processes help us find our inner essence or source. And when we find that inner source, we tap into the universal energy source, or the collective unconscious, or the transcendental experience.

Come with me, if you will, on a journey of inner exploration to awaken your creativity. Perhaps you are a writer who shies away from visual art, or an artist who says,”I can’t dance,” or a therapist who would like to discover methods for enhancing the counselor-client relationship. I invite you into your own secret garden.

Psychotherapy for Oppositional-Defiant Kids with Low Frustration Tolerance – and How to Help Their Parents, Too

Childhood temperament is the elephant in the living room of child psychotherapy. Just as the influence of substance use and abuse on clients' behavior problems was often minimized by psychotherapists before the 1970s, the importance of temperament in children's behavior problems is becoming an increasingly essential part of child and family therapy.

After 30 years of working with children and parents, I am convinced that, barring developmental disorders or a major family tragedy, most children who come to therapy have higher-maintenance temperaments (i.e., frequently described as difficult, spirited, or challenging) that frustrate typical parenting approaches.1 Some parents are unable to effectively deal with certain children who try their patience despite having no such difficulty with their other children. Here I will focus on one aspect of childhood temperament, frustration tolerance, its relationship with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), and how such concerns can be worked on in therapy with children and their parents. I will also examine the important role played by the therapist's inevitable personal reactions in the therapeutic process.

ODD and Children's Frustrations

When I worked with James R. Cameron, Ph.D. at the Preventive Ounce2, we observed that children with low frustration tolerance are at risk for becoming oppositional. We saw that parents often responded to these kids in ways that exacerbated their problematic behavior. ODD has also been related to the child's temperament and the family's response to that temperament. This model helps therapists work with the child's temperament, the parent's style, and the interaction between the two.

In the same vein, Barkley3 states that "children who are easily prone to emotional responses (high emotionality) are often irritable, have poor habit regulation, are highly active, and/or are more inattentive and impulsive and appear more likely . . . to demonstrate defiant and coercive behavior than are children not having such negative temperamental characteristics." He also notes that "immature, inexperienced, impulsive, inattentive, depressed, hostile, rejecting, or otherwise negatively temperamental parents are more likely to have defiant and aggressive children."

DSM-IV-TR4 (2000) and ODD

  • ODD . . . is a pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least 6 months.
  • In males, the disorder has been shown to be more prevalent among those who, in the preschool years, have problematic temperaments (e.g. high reactivity, difficulty being soothed.) ODD . . . usually becomes evident before age 8 years and usually not later than in early adolescence . . .
  • The oppositional symptoms often emerge in the home setting but over time may appear in other settings as well. Onset is typically gradual, usually occurring over the course of months or years..Often loses temper, often argues with adults, often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules, often deliberately annoys people, often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehaviors, is often touchy or easily annoyed by others, is often angry and resentful, and is often spiteful or vindictive.

ODD and Low Frustration Tolerance

Children with low frustration tolerance are adamant in wanting to end the cause of their frustration as quickly as possible. When they are having a hard time with a task (e.g., homework, some tasks they don't immediately understand, or a toy or game that they can't make work the way they want), they find that the best way to eliminate their frustration is to stop trying and do something else instead. If they want to do something and their parent (or another adult) won't let them do it, the best way to eliminate their frustration is to act in ways that might get the adult to change their mind and leave them to their own desires and interests.

“It is worth noting that except for being spiteful and vindictive, ODD traits and behaviors listed in the DSM represent how many children usually act when they don't want to do what they are told to do.” The children that meet DSM criteria are diagnosed with ODD, but they could also likely be children with low frustration tolerance who are acting oppositionally in an effort to eliminate their frustration. The behavior that a parent or adult calls oppositional may also, in fact, be a child's age-appropriate response to a developmentally inappropriate limit set by the parent or environment.

How Parents Make it Better or Worse

How do parents make their kids' frustration tolerance better or worse? Note that it is important to allow the child to be frustrated with life pressures and stresses rather than preventing age-appropriate frustrations. Indeed, a key task of parenting is to help children gradually take on more difficult tasks so they learn how to tolerate frustration as well as regulate emotional reactions. The work on how optimal levels of frustration relate to learning,5 how attachment develops,6 and how managing affect in disorders of the self7 point to the importance of parents helping children learn how to manage frustration. Clearly, parents make the situation better or worse by how they interact with their child. Parents make things better by setting appropriate limits, managing their own anxiety, reinforcing positive behaviors, and understanding the motivations of the child. Certainly, parents can behave in ways that make matters worse via what I call the Argument Trap and the Overly Helpful Parent.

The Argument Trap!

One way a parent can worsen the situation is by arguing with the child too much when the child doesn't do what he is asked. Here, the parent, after setting a limit for their child, keeps responding to the child's objections in an effort to have the child understand the parent's logic. This attempt to explain the limit and convince the child of its necessity often results in the child becoming more upset. The parent may then even punish the child for not complying with the limit. But since the child's goal is to remove the frustrating limit, as long as the parent and child are arguing, the child can hope that the parent changes their mind. If the parent gives in, the child is being taught to argue again next time. If the parent punishes the child, then the child has an additional reason to blame their parent for not removing their frustration.

To help a child with low frustration tolerance accept limits, the parent needs to let the child complain about the limit and have the last word, even if the last word is provocative. The parent needs to stick to the limit (unless there is good reason to give in) and not try to convince the child to agree with the limit. The child is less likely to keep arguing if the parent is not responding in kind. The parent ideally needs to set a limit, repeat the limit in as calm a voice as possible, suggest alternatives for the child, and then stop talking about the limit. Restrictions and/or time-outs can be helpful in calming the child, but when the child becomes highly agitated, these methods are often ineffective. In this case, the parent's goal is to shift the child from complaining about a limit to finding something else to do since the child can't do what they want. Thus, the argument is avoided, the child is re-engaged in an activity, and the child learns to better cope with their reactions and emotions.

The Overly Helpful Parent

Another way that parents inadvertently increase their children's low frustration tolerance is by helping their children too much when their children are faced with challenging tasks. Parents naturally help their children countless times each day. But low-frustration-tolerance children will often ask for help without trying enough on their own before seeking help. They tend to give up too soon without really testing themselves, and want the adult to jump in and solve the problem or complete the task at hand. When the parent helps too quickly, the child learns to immediately resort to fussing when frustrated, because this yields the desired results. Remember: removing the frustration is the primary goal for the low frustration tolerance child; solving the problem itself takes on secondary importance.

To help the low-frustration-tolerance child persist at a task such as homework, the parent needs to answer the child's questions when the child is able to listen to the answers. The parent also needs to help the child learn skills for dealing with frustrating situations, such as taking a break or dividing up the homework in smaller chunks and doing one part at a time. When children are upset and frustrated, they don't listen well (if at all!) until they have calmed down. “The parent's role is to help the child learn how to handle frustrating situations, not to quickly solve the frustrating situation for the child.” For example, when a parent has been helping a low-frustration-tolerance child too much with his homework, backing off from helping may lead to the child receiving worse grades for a while. But when a parent takes too much responsibility for getting homework done, the child doesn't take enough responsibility and does not learn how to cope with frustration. It is more important to teach the child to take responsibility and to learn how to do homework than it is to help the child complete any particular assignment.

Psychotherapy with ODD Children and their Parents

My hypothesis for why oppositional behavior develops in this fashion is that “parents who don't understand how to handle typical low frustration tolerance behavior have inadvertently reinforced that behavior many times over many years before that behavior becomes oppositional.” Many parents of children who meet the criteria for ODD could actually be diagnosed as having Argumentative Punitive Disorder (or APD—this is not an actual diagnosis, by the way) because they often lose their temper, argue with their children, blame their children for their ineffective parenting, are easily annoyed by their children, and are angry or resentful toward their children. One of the main goals of therapy is to help parents manage their frustration when their children become frustrated. Below, I present several therapeutic guidelines for working with these kids and their parents.

  • Who to meet with? Therapists need to work with the parents as well as the children on a constituent basis, preferably every session. I generally meet with the parent (or parents) before I see the child. We discuss what has happened since the last appointment, how to understand what has happened, and how the parent might try to work with the child before the next appointment. Then I meet with the child alone. Sometimes I meet with the parent and child together—after seeing each of them separately—if there is some issue I think we need to discuss.
  • Breaking the Cycle of Arguing: Parents need help learning how to avoid being argumentative-punitive. They need assistance finding the middle ground between too many limits/not enough limits and too much help/not enough help. This takes time and work to find an approach that is tailored to particular parents and their child.
  • Encouraging Parents: Since one of my therapeutic goals is to increase the parent's ability to help their child gain more frustration tolerance, I continually encourage parents and reinforce their attempts to find more effective ways to work with their child. I keep reminding parents and children that they are meeting with me to learn new ways to deal with their family problems because the way they are handling matters is not working. It is crucial to encourage and engage the child's parent since they are the ones who usually bring the child in, pay for the sessions, and do the majority of the work every day.
  • Validation of Parent Frustration: It is also crucial to validate the parents' feelings of exasperation, anger, and frustration. I empathize with the parents and acknowledge that I would feel similarly if I were parenting their children. I explain again how low frustration tolerance works and encourage the parents to handle their children's oppositional behavior differently even when they feel angry, exasperated, and/or frustrated.
  • Talking to the Child about being Responsible: I find it helpful to talk with the children (in language that makes sense to them) about being more responsible for what they are supposed to do instead of complaining so much about what their parents are doing or not doing. I often remind children that if they do as they are told, even if they don't want to, their parents are more likely to let them do more of what they want to. Learning how to negotiate effectively with parents is a valuable tool for any child, and particularly for these children.
  • How long is therapy? The length of therapy is highly variable depending on the age of the child, the extent of the child's low frustration tolerance, and the parent's ability and motivation to understand how they have been contributing to the problem. If the parent-child dynamic changes quickly and the child is able to respond, treatment may be briefer, but often there are entrenched problems in the family that are best worked on over a longer course of consistent therapy.

Making Use of the Therapist's Experience and Personal Reactions

Working with oppositional low-frustration-tolerance children and their parents has also frequently left me feeling exasperated, angry, incompetent, and . . . you guessed it, frustrated. For instance, when a parent and I discuss at one session how important it is not to argue and yell at the child about homework, and then the parent comes to the next session and reports another escalating homework argument that ended with the child swearing at the parent and the parent calling the child derogatory names, I sometimes feel like arguing and yelling myself. I start thinking: the parent is provoking the child's defiant behavior, the child is not being responsible about homework, I am not facilitating positive change in the family, etc. It is very easy to get sucked into this escalating family system.

I have come to see my reactions to the parent and child as similar to the reactions the parents and child are having to each other. “My feeling that I am not a competent therapist mirrors the parents' feelings that they are not competent parents. My feeling of exasperation parallels the parents' feeling of not knowing what to do when their children continue to be oppositional.” My angry feelings mimic the children's feelings at their parents' inability to manage their own behavior or their not getting their own way all the time.

Understanding and managing these personal reactions help me understand the child and their parent's frustrations more fully, making my limit-setting and direct intervention more empathic. It also helps prevents a critical or punitive therapeutic approach which mirrors the parent's approach, which is both ineffective and off-putting to the family.

I invite psychotherapists who work with children to consider the possibility that ODD is temperament-based low-frustration-tolerance behavior that well-meaning but uninformed parents have inadvertently mismanaged. I believe that psychotherapists who add this approach to their work with oppositional children will increase their effectiveness and be better prepared to manage their own personal reactions to this most difficult yet worthwhile endeavor.

Questions to ask Parents

Does Your Child Have Low Frustration Tolerance?
There is no valid and reliable test that can definitively determine whether a child has low frustration tolerance. Temperament questionnaires, observation and reflection, comparison with other children's behavior in the same situation, and parents' willingness to examine their own feelings about a child can help parents and therapists reach an informed opinion about a child's level of frustration tolerance. Here are some questions for parents to consider:

  • What is your child's temperament? Energetic-positive, energetic-difficult, passive-low energy, easy going?
  • Does your child get frustrated more easily than other children the same age?
  • Does your child get easily frustrated when you set limits? O, does your child get easily frustrated when you want your child to stop doing what they are doing and do something else instead? (Note: Some children are slow to adapt to transitions, changes and intrusions, and are likely to get frustrated when asked to stop what they are doing and do something else. Their response should not be confused with that of children with low frustration tolerance, who will complain when a limit is set but may generally not complain when a family routine is changed, the day's schedule is changed, or if you interrupt them when they are doing something. Of course, a child can be slow to adapt to changes and also have low frustration tolerance.)
  • Do you give in more often than you think you should when your child complains about a limit? Do you find yourself getting annoyed because your child keeps testing limits?
  • Is your child able to play alone or with friends in their own room or do they always have to be with you? Do you often tell your child to "go play" while you try to finish a task?
  • Has your child's frustration tolerance decreased suddenly? Has something happened recently (e.g., the birth of a sibling, a change in teachers, a death, a divorce, an illness) that could have upset your child and made your child more easily frustrated about things than previously so? If so, your child's frustration tolerance should improve as you both deal with the feelings associated with the event or change that has occurred.

References

1Chess, S., & Thomas, A. (1989) Know your child: An authoritative guide for today's parents. (New York: Basic Books)

2Cameron, J.R. & Rice, D. (2000). The Preventive Ounce Web Site. www.preventiveoz.org. (Oakland, CA: The Preventive Ounce)

3Barkley, R. A. (1997). Defiant Children, Second Edition: A Clinician's Manual for Assessment and Parent Training. New York: The Guilford Press

4American Psychiatric Association, (2000). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association)

5Stern, D. (1985) The Interpersonal World of the Infant. (New York: Basic Books)

6Hughes, D. (1998) Building the Bonds of Attachment. (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson)

7Schore, A. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. (New York: W.W. Norton) 

Clinical Wisdom: A Psychoanalyst Learns from his Mistakes

Identifying and trying to learn from one’s own clinical mistakes is often a painful experience, but can be an invaluable source of clinical wisdom. Here, I will share with you several significant mistakes that I have made over the 40 years that I have been practicing and teaching psychotherapy and psychoanalysis which have been extremely helpful to me and my supervisees. I hope that my self-disclosures and self-discoveries will evoke in you an active reflection on your own work and provide a source of professional growth.

My Two Most Difficult Patients

This was the beginning of the end of our relationship. His demeaning, hostile sarcasm, already intense, increased; there were fewer moments of his working on his real concerns and increased attacks on me. “John said, as he had frequently over the two year course of treatment, that the therapy was not helping, that I was totally incompetent and that he was going to quit therapy with me.” He responded to my attempts at exploration with depreciation of me and threats to leave therapy. But this time he meant it. He quit. He did not show for his next appointment nor answer my several phone calls. I felt both guilty and much relieved at the same time!

Mary, a single teacher in her mid-forties, was referred to me by a female colleague who had treated her for several years and now believed that Mary needed to work with a male therapist because she had never succeeded in having any long-term relationships with men, despite her longing for this. Though the first few years of our relationship were stormy, with her rages alternating with moderate depression, externalization and fluctuating mistrust of me, Mary made encouraging progress. She and I were both pleased that she developed a relationship with a real boyfriend for the first time, leading her to experience sex for the first time in her life, while at the same time she was becoming less argumentative with her fellow teachers. Sometime later, an event took place that was the beginning of the catastrophic end of our therapy. Her brother and his wife gave birth to a baby, which thrilled her parents. She became furious with her brother for what she experienced as a total loss in the rivalry for her parents’ attention and love. Through a friend who knew me, she found out that I also had a young child. Her hostile and at times rageful feelings toward her brother generalized to me. This morphed into a psychotic-like transference in which I not only had a young child like her brother but she said that I started to look like him.

When I questioned her about this, she said that my gestures and sitting posture were just like her “shitty” brother. My efforts at compassionate communication for her parental loss, reality testing and transference interpretation over several months had little effect upon Mary, leaving me frustrated and seriously discouraged. Mary quit therapy within a few months, saying that the therapy was no longer helping and that she would never see another therapist. Again I felt relief, but questioned—What could I have done differently? Could I have helped her continue her previous progress?

So, what did I learn from these two experiences? Obviously with John I needed to find a second hour, but I did not because he would not try to understand his almost constant demeaning of me and therapy, which I could not tolerate. With Mary I learned two lessons. One, psychotic-like transferences, when not resolved, can lead to the destruction of even a moderately successful therapy. Secondly, I needed help with my intense frustration and discouragement. However, the salient lesson with both patients was that when working with extremely difficult patients, careful self-reflection and occasional consultation are often not enough. I really needed continuous consultation or supervision to help both with the challenging technical issues and my uncomfortable countertransference. “My false pride that I should not need such regular consultation interfered with the possibility of breaking through the impasse in both therapies.” Since I had been supervising therapists and analysts, I felt that I should not need regular consultation. And I believe that, unfortunately, such a position is implicitly supported in some analytic institutes and other post-graduate training centers.

But if I had had a weekly or bi-weekly consultant, what could have been different? For one, the consultant might have helped me understand the dynamic issues and specific approaches that I was not seeing. Secondly, he could have assisted me with my powerful countertransferences through understanding and compassionate support. Would the outcome have been different? I am not sure, but I would have felt more confident that I did all I could for my patient and in my role as a psychotherapist.

Benevolent Values Can Interfere with Effective Treatment

How do I understand this premature termination? I believe my value of loving parents raising healthy children interfered with my being attuned with Kathy’s needs. Later I learned that Kathy was so determined not to have children that she underwent a tubal ligation. “Even our so-called benevolent values may be incongruent with our patients’ values and can mess up the treatment.” In retrospect, I see that in my eagerness to encourage a lovely young woman to carry out my value to become a mother, I responded to my wishes and lost track of Kathy’s needs not to become a mother. I certainly should not have pursued this issue the second time around.

Over-identification with Our Own Therapists

Therefore, it is not surprising that as a neophyte analyst I identified, and in fact over-identified, with both of them. David was a wonderful empathic listener who infrequently questioned and interpreted. I experienced him as a warm compassionate presence, genuinely interested in me. This analysis helped me immeasurably to discover and accept the deeper shadow aspects of myself, as well as resolve some minor symptoms. So, I too became a very good listener who seldom interpreted with my patients. A supervisor pointed out that, unlike me, some of my patients needed a more active use of inquiry and interpretation in addition to careful listening. She was certainly right. While we can learn from our own personal analysis or therapy, we need to be aware that what is good for us is not always best for others.

Becca, my group therapist, by contrast actively intervened and was emotionally very expressive. She also believed in few traditional limits in group therapy, such as the rule against socializing outside the group. This group experience which included extra-group socializing was very beneficial to me and to most of the high-functioning group members. Therefore, with my own therapy groups I used Becca’s agreement that it was okay to socialize outside of the group. Within a few years of conducting and supervising groups, I saw that permission to socialize was detrimental for some groups. For example, some socializing leads to major enactments outside the group which are never discussed in the group because of such reasons as shame, wanting to keep a secret relationship or fear of retaliation from group members or therapists. Gradually, I developed my own way of structuring outside group contact, which fit me and my patient populations better.

In more formal psychoanalytic terms, I had initially introjected David and Becca whole, but gradually was able to differentiate from them, keeping the good part objects (that which fit me) and eliminating that which did not fit me or my patients. “In everyday terms, I became truer to the way I work best and to the unique needs of my patients and groups.” I learned some extremely valuable lessons from my two analysts. However, as I developed more confidence in myself I was able to let go of the idealized internalization of my analysts and start to become the analyst and therapist who fit my character and my patients.

Collaboration with Other Analysts Treating the Same Patient

Much to my surprise, Oscar’s individual analyst said to me, “You group therapists are strange ducks. . . . you don’t understand that such talk between us will interfere with the treatment. Only if there is a suicidal or homicidal emergency should we contact each other.” Unfortunately, I agreed to treat Oscar under this restriction. The group, a good composition for Oscar, enabled him to play out a central dynamic underlying his chronic friction with men and his inability to sustain a meaningful relationship with a woman. He frequently attacked me and two of the other three men in the group, while placating and sweet-talking the three women in the group. Then one of those felicitous accidents happened. One session, all three women were absent, leaving Oscar alone with me and the three other male group members. Oscar’s behavior changed dramatically in this session. He not only did not attack us but became friendly to me and the other men. All of us, including Oscar, noticed this marked change. The following week when two of the women returned, Oscar reverted to his typical attack on men and his seduction of the women. When this remarkable behavioral change was brought to his attention, he strongly denied it. Group members suggested that Oscar talk to his individual analyst about the discrepancy between the group’s and his perception of his behavior when the women were and were not present in the group, but he refused, insisting that there was nothing different to talk about.

Oscar had enacted a salient dynamic—a dynamic that was hidden from his awareness because it was too threatening to be known. Yet this enactment was ripe with wonderful therapeutic possibilities. With Oscar unwilling to discuss this with his individual analyst, I told him that I would alert his analyst that something crucial was happening with Oscar in the group making it vital for us to talk. Oscar said, “Go ahead. My analyst will never believe this group bullshit anyway!” However, since Oscar was neither suicidal nor homicidal, his analyst refused to talk with me. Not surprisingly Oscar dropped out of the group within a short time. I believe that had his individual analyst been willing to talk with me, we would have had a good opportunity to cooperatively work with Oscar in depth on this crucial dynamic.

Sheila, a psychiatric resident in individual analysis, wanted group treatment because she was starting to recognize that she was rejecting decent eligible men as lovers and potential mates. Within a couple of months the group and I realized that Sheila was looking down upon the group members, especially the men, from an “I-am-superior-to-you” position. Believing this was salient to her reason for group treatment and being concerned that she might flee from this group of “inferiors,” I told Sheila that with her permission, I was going to talk to her individual analyst. After her analyst did not return several of my calls, I informed Sheila, and she responded that her analyst must have had a good reason, but she refused to elaborate. Shortly thereafter Sheila dropped out of the group.

What lessons did I learn from the two frustrating experiences cited above? Over the last decades I have made it my practice not to accept any referral for group or individual therapy when there is another therapist treating the same patient, unless there is agreement from the other therapist that we can collaborate if and when needed. In my experience our collaborative contacts are usually few and far between, but occasionally crucial. It is the trust between the two professionals that is vital. I have found almost all patients agreeable to therapist collaboration, and in fact are often pleased with this arrangement. Many patients experience this as genuine interest in them. In the rare case when the patient is reluctant for me to speak with their other therapist, I try to understand what this means for the patient. Typically our work on understanding the patient’s reluctance has led to a solution that benefits the therapy and the patient. In one situation with a suspicious patient who protested, I told him I would be willing to talk with his therapist on the phone while the patent was present—thus allowing him to hear every word and tone that I expressed. Hearing this willingness on my part, the patient said that he did not need to be present, but he wanted me to tell him what I said and what was said to me, which I was quite willing to do. In another unusual situation where the other therapist said communication between us would damage therapy, the patient insisted that we two therapists cooperate. She said that she would never go to a second physician if he would not collaborate with her present doctor.

Becoming Wiser

What does this mean to me? “I believe that mistakes and solutions are unique to each practitioner and interact uniquely with each particular patient.”

Over the years I have come to know myself better both as a human being and as a therapist, and what works better for my patients with our intersubjective uniqueness. With experience, analysts and therapists are ideally true to our own uniqueness and our particular interersubjective fit with individuals, couples or groups that we are trying to help. This to me is a vital component of clinical wisdom. I know of a few analysts of varying theoretical perspectives who adhere so closely to their cherished theoretical and technical ideas that they miss what I would consider crucial aspects of their relationships with their patients. These analysts may need such adherence to theory and practice for them to feel coherent, secure and competent. Another type of wisdom would be for those therapists and analysts to understand how this view affects their practice and work.

Dogen and Michelangelo

Dogen, considered one of the greatest Buddhist teachers, stated in the thirteenth century, “My life has been a continuous series of mistakes.” After decades of experience, I continue to make mistakes and try to learn from them. As Michelangelo said at the age 87, “I am still learning.” I certainly am too.

Notes

1 A briefer version of this paper was originally presented by Dr. Rabin at the Annual Colloquium of the Group Department of the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health, New York City on December 7, 2006.

Copyright © 2007 Psychotherapy.net. All rights reserved.

How To Be A Grown-up Even Around Your Own Parents

"You know what my scenario was for this whole thing? I was gonna move away. I was gonna get rich and move into a luxurious mansion. My parents were gonna come visit me—once—and say 'Oh, what a nice mansion. We love you, Dave.' And I was gonna say 'I love you too, Mom and Dad.' And then they were gonna go away and die. Does this make me an asshole?"
— Tom Hanks in Nothing In Common (1986)

"Hello, Arthur. This is your mother. Do you remember me?… Someday Arthur, you'll get married and you'll have children of your own and honey, when you do, I only pray that they'll make you suffer the way you're making me. That's a Mother's Prayer."
Mother and Son, Mike Nichols and Elaine May

The Terrifying Power of Parents

We never really are the adults we pretend to be. We wear the mask and perhaps the clothes and posture of grown-ups, but inside our skin we are never as wise or as sure or as strong as we want to convince ourselves and others we are. We may fool all the rest of the people all of the time, but we never fool our parents.

They can see behind the mask of adulthood. To our parents, we seem always to be "works in progress." A parent's work is never done—we are never finished and ready to face life on our own. I remember going to see our oldest daughter off on the train to college. As the train pulled out of the station, one of the other mothers took off running behind it, trying to catch the train and stop it. She had suddenly remembered a piece of advice she hadn't given her daughter. A mother's failure to understand the new world in which her child lives does not reduce one iota her responsibility to give advice about how to deal with it.

“People don't become grown-ups until they realize that their parents, however wonderful, were badly misinformed and sometimes stark, raving mad.” Each generation's job is to question the things the parents accept on faith, to explore the possibilities, and adapt the last generation's system of values for a new age.

The world is changing more rapidly each generation; the enormousness of the change is painful for those on either side of the generational divide. Fathers who won World War II single-handedly and have strutted around as Head of the Household ever since may never understand sons who want to be househusbands. Mothers who have sucked it in and pretended to be mentally deficient and emotionally unstable in order not to threaten their patriarchal husbands may have enormous resentment of their daughters who get to be full-scale human beings.

Parents may feel betrayed when their children adopt different styles and habits, and matters of style may turn into matters of morality, health or safety. To the parents, various things the children do may mean the death of the longed-for and as-yet-unborn grandchildren, while to the child, homosexuality may be a lifestyle choice, suicide may be a political statement, and joining the foreign legion may be an interesting career move. The child who makes such choices may not understand why the parents keep mourning the grandchildren that will not be instead of being as thrilled as the children are over the homosexual partner, the political placard or the artistic pictures of sand dunes they are getting instead.

Techniques for Regressing Grown Children into Blathering Childishness

Parents who would like to strip away their child's mask of adulthood and expose him or her as a still imperfect child, still in need of parents in attendance, have a variety of time-honored techniques at their disposal, all of which are simply subtle ways of doing their jobs as not-quite-ex-parents, by doing the job in a way that keeps both generations firmly in place. Parents can simply remind you that you are not quite who you pretend to be. They can bring up stories from your childhood at the most amazingly deflating moments, like telling stories about your toilet training at your wedding reception or telling your new boss how your kindergarten teacher never thought you had enough sense to get out of junior high. My father insists the most awful moment of his life came when he was making his first high school touchdown and heard the voice of his mother above the roar of the crowd calling "My Sonny Boy," a name he never lived down.

Parents can offer a sanctuary, not just as a pit stop along the road of life, but a permanent alternative to adulthood. They can give you or offer to leave you more money than you can make, so you never have to plan an adult life, and cannot truly respect the adult life you have been able to achieve. They can devote their lives to making it possible for you to never grow up. Your parents can provide you with a lifetime occupation, perhaps taking care of them—like the seeing-eye children of central Africa who spend their lives from the age of two or three running interference for their sightless parents—or try to protect you from the imperfection of grown-up relationships.

A young woman in my practice caught her husband in a brief affair, saw a couples therapist, fought it out with the contrite young husband, and reconciled. She then told her parents what had happened, whereupon her three-times-divorced father gave her the money for the best divorce attorneys and the two-times-divorced mother offered the other half of her fancy duplex. They insisted that she needed more time with her parents before she chose her next husband. They hinted that taking her in and raising her and her brood of children might bring them back together again.

The Gift of Guilt

At any time, your parents can call in their investment in you and demand repayment for giving you life. The classic approach to this is guilt, as Erma Bombeck put it: "Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving." King Lear was our expert at this, bewailing "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child." His kids fixed him.

“Parents vary in their sense of what would be suitable repayment for creating, sustaining and tolerating you all those years, and what circumstances would be drastic enough for the parents to present the voucher.” Obviously there is no repayment that would be sufficient. The guilt is there, inescapable and even irreducible, but the effort to call in the debt of life is too outrageous to be treated as anything other than a joke. My mother used to tell me, as often as needed, how she had to lay in bed flat on her back for nine months in order to give birth to me. If I displeased her, she'd remind me that all she had had to do was stand up and I would be a messy spot on the floor, so I should be eternally grateful that she didn't do that. I'd thank her, but assure her it would be okay for her to stand up now.

Children are a Family Affair

Your parents can claim your children, and tell you how to raise them. This can be useful. Every child needs more than two parents, so a full set of grandparents can come in handy. You don't have to take the advice, of course, but finding out how your parents or your partner's parents thought out the issues of child raising can give wonderful insights into both them and you, how they came to do what they did and how you came to be who you are. Of course it can rattle you. I know I'm more comfortable getting advice when I know what I'm doing than I am when I am trying to fake competence, and we are all amateurs at child raising.

Parents can deflate you just by appearing, either in person or in your mirror, as an older version of yourself, reminding you what is in store for you. They can criticize you so sensitively and astutely that they remind you that you aren't perfect yet. Even as the world applauds, your parents can take your victory away by reminding you that you might have done a better job in some way. Bring home a report card four A's and one B to hear, "That's nice, but what did you do wrong in calculus?" When I was about 30, I called my mother to tell her I had been written up in TIME magazine. She said, "Nobody in Autauga County, Alabama reads TIME any more. Why didn't you get written up in U.S. News and World Report?" That meant, "Don't get too big for your britches around me, Sonny Boy. I knew you when."

After a few minutes of sympathetic reflection, I realized that it also meant, "I'm so afraid you'll be so successful and so acclaimed by the world that you won't need us anymore, that you'll feel too good for us, that you'll be ashamed of us. Please love me, even in your moments of glory." I could have wondered why she didn't put it that way, but I'm actually just grateful that she didn't stand up all those years ago.

Parents can write the family history, putting you wherever they choose, preferring perhaps to keep you in the family mythology as a child. My mother, for example, was clearly ambivalent about my successes. quote:When I came to give a widely publicized talk to dedicate Alabama's first mental health center, I was about forty, and the picture of me she sent to the newspapers was from high school. I was a middle-aged man, but still Little Frank, my mother's boy wonder.

How Awkward Adolescence Becomes a Permanent State of Immaturity

Children give parents this deflating power to take the wind out of our sails when we are in adolescence, when we are so seriously self-conscious we become male and female impersonators, trying to convince somebody out there, mostly ourselves, that we are no longer children. We have enough trouble carrying it off when we are doing it in front of a mirror, but it becomes impossible to look like an adult when our parents are telling us what to do. Our parents know most clearly just how immature we are. One way adolescents try to pose as grown-ups is to make a show of not needing parents—at just the point of greatest confusion and disorientation of our lives, right when we need them most.

Once the older generation has raised us to about the level of adolescence, we are so full of hormones, piss and vinegar, we don't like to think we need the wisdom of the ages. It is true that the world is changing so fast that each generation's wisdom has expired by the time it can be put to use. Our parents' style and values, their ideas about how the world works, are likely to seem old-fashioned just on principle, but the real issue is that as adolescents we are too scared to tolerate doubt. Our parents might have money or things to leave us when they die, but this does not make us value them; it makes us impatient with them for continuing to live. If we can't find a use for them and they don't have anything for us, we might merely want to find an escape from them. We might even come to fear them, as if their active involvement in our life were proof of our characterological weakness—and maybe even dangerous to our mental health.

One solution for adolescents is to hide from parents, even if we have to run away from home, in whole or in part. “It is hard to look like a grown-up, much less feel like a grown-up, when you are busy running away from home.” Yet we have a society in which adolescence is, for some insane reason, seen as the most desirable time in life. We have a world full of people who get into the middle of the stream of life, and paddle like hell trying to stay in the same spot as the life cycle and the world flow by, equidistant from childhood and adulthood, and terrified of both.

The Magic of Parenthood

Some people stay pampered children forever, but child raising—hands-on, fully-invested child raising—is the main event in life, the experience that takes you out of the child generation, where you are only able to take, and puts you squarely in the parent generation, where you are able to give as well, and thus become able to take deservedly and unashamedly, without the nagging guilt children of all ages feel over taking more than they are giving back.

The end product of child raising is not only the child but the parents, who get to go through each stage of human development from the other side, and get to relive the experiences that shaped them and get to rethink everything their parents taught them. They get, in effect, to re-raise themselves, and become their own person.

Sure there are ways other than child raising to become a grown-up, though none so natural and total. One way to replace the experience of parenting is by nurturing strangers, as childless Mother Teresa or George Washington did, but being Mother of the Slums or Father of His Country can be a big job. For those who can't arrange parenthood, active aunting and uncling seem the next best choices. The usual things recommended for making a man out of a boy (and perhaps for making a woman out of a girl)—war, football, fighting, and prison—just create a fiercer boy. Learning to love a child can make a real man out of any boy, a real woman out of any girl, but some people might prefer to avoid something that engulfing and find a less drastic way of managing their parents and getting treated as adults.

The Solution: Acting Like a Grown-up

If you would move into the adult position with your parents, you can do several things. Your parents can't do these things for you. They can not grant you your adulthood; you must claim it for yourself.

  1. Take responsibility for your own life, not necessarily doing it perfectly but accepting the blame for the missteps: "I did this and I did it wrong. Now I want to learn from my mistakes. What do you think I could do differently next time?"
  2. Accept well-intentioned counsel from those who know and love you, even if neither their love for you nor their understanding of you is ideal. People, especially parents, love to give advice, and they will honor your maturity in asking for it.
  3. Your parents can't fix your problems or turn you into a kid again. They know by now (I hope) that they have no magical powers, but it is up to you to make yourself aware of that. They cannot turn you into a child; that is something you are doing to yourself when you collapse, run, or hide under the spell of your childlike awe at their presumed power. You must move in close, and unmask them as Toto did the Wizard of Oz, who turned out to be a silly old man hiding behind a lot of sound and lights. As he said when told he was a bad man: "No. I am a very good man, just a very bad wizard." Parents and wizards are all faking it.
  4. “Forgive your parents for all the ways in which they didn't raise you just right, whether their errors were in loving too much or too little.” All parents, as they perform their required functions as parents of adults, do the deflating things that make you feel like a child. If you have children, you'll do those things too and eventually laugh about them.

Parents sometimes do horrendous things to their children—beating them, raping them, selling them into slavery, even trying to kill them. Still more parents abandon their children, break up their children's family to run off with someone who did not have the best interests of the children at heart, and leave the children with someone they could not tolerate living with themselves. Those things must also be faced, and when they are finally understood, they must be forgiven. Otherwise the child may never feel secure with the imperfect love and imperfect investment the parents made in him or her, or with the child's own imperfect capacity for reciprocating all that love. “An angry, unforgiving child, going through life feeling like a victim of imperfect parenting, has no way of moving into the adult position in relationships.” Unrelenting anger at parents is a developmental dead end.

It is interesting how much more people blame parents for overdoing their jobs than for underfunctioning as parents. People seem tolerant and forgiving of fathers who love too little, while they spend a lifetime fearing mothers who love too much.

I got macroparenting, especially from Mother, which was at times oppressive and even frightening, but generally served me well. A patient of mine was microparented. Maisie's father had disappeared when she was born and had never been heard from again. Her tight-lipped mother raised her all alone. When she was 18, and had finished high school she chose not to go to college but to quietly work and make the money to go find her father. She hired a private detective, who eventually found her father working at an optical shop. She introduced herself and took him down the street for a cup of coffee. He was rather silent, but he did explain that he had feared he would not be a good enough father for her, so he ran away, and he had been ashamed of that ever since. He told her he had little he could offer her, but he gave her a package of eyeglass wipes and advised her to keep her eyeglasses clean. That little box of wipers was the only thing Maisie had ever gotten from her father—except for the explanation that he had run away because he felt she deserved more than he had to give. She never saw her father again but that explanation of why he had made the disastrous escape from her life gave her the goal of hanging in there and raising her own children. She realized that she didn't have to be wonderful to raise children, but she did have to be there. Maisie was forever grateful to her father for that insight, and she always kept her eyeglasses clean. We don't know what the meeting between father and daughter did for her father. He ran away again after that.

“The hardest part of becoming an adult with your parents may be this: getting close enough to truly understand them and why they did what they did.” You can't expect to satisfy your parents and you can't expect to fix them, but you must understand their life and yours from THEIR perspective before you can truly forgive them. No matter how awful, incestuous or homicidal your parents, they must be faced and understood, not for their sake but for yours. As long as you fear your parent is out to do you in, you can never feel safe in the world.

It may take a lifetime. Some of it will happen automatically as you raise your own or are involved with other people's children, but some of it can only happen as you examine your parents, living or dead, present or absent.

Dismantling the Family Hierarchy and Becoming Peers

For a grown child to expect respect from parents, he or she must accept responsibility for his or her own life and act like a grown-up. If the grown children are still trying to blame their lives on their parents, no respect can be expected.

In considering the ledger equal, it must be understood that the greatest gift you have given your parents is the opportunity to raise you. The things a child gets from parents can't compare to the things a parent gets from raising a child. Only by facing the experience can you understand the degree to which children give meaning to the lives of parents.

To make the member of the child generation feel quite sure that the debts are paid, it is wonderful when the children get to take care of the parents as they grow old or sick, and die. There is nothing quite so liberating from parental guilt and empowering to your adultness as nursing your parents through to the end. It can make you feel wonderful when your parent needs you more than you need him or her. But if you are still feeling guilty, as if you have not paid enough, achieved enough, reinvested enough, or suffered enough for the parent, then you can come to feel like a slave. You must decide when you have bought your freedom, and then you must give a bit more just to be sure. When you have paid back your parents for your life, and paid more than you owe, then you are indeed your own person.

Tricks for Taming Used Parents: Getting Them to See You as an Adult and Treat You with Respect

Meanwhile, there are techniques for achieving hierarchical equality with your parents. Here are some tricks that my children have taught me, tricks that I didn't learn when I was coming into adulthood because I wasn't mature enough to face my parents head on. My kids are an improvement, especially in the ways in which they deal with their parents. These techniques are guaranteed to work better than whining childishly or storming adolescently at your parents complaining they don't treat you as an adult.

  1. Tell them about you. Tell them what you like and what you don't like. You be the expert on you.
  2. Explore them, not you. When your parents try to tell you more about you and your shortcomings than you really want to hear, ask them about themselves at your age.
  3. Thank them for any criticism, and ask them what their experiences were that led them to their opinions.
  4. Ask for their advice before they have a chance to give it. If they know you are taking their advice seriously, they may give more sympathetic advice.
  5. Explain how much you value their opinion, and be especially careful to add that it is one of those you will particularly value as you make your own decision.
  6. Don't hide anything from them. Secrets and lies will make you ashamed of yourself, and will make them think you are hiding things from them, like a child.
  7. Invite them to do a lot of things with you, whether they like to do such things or not. And accept their invitations in return. Include them in your social life.
  8. Ask them to tell you family stories. When they tell family stories about you, give them the necessary information to change your position in the family myths.
  9. Tell them whether you need cheerleading or criticism at the moment. Remember, they want above all to feel needed and to be a good parent. Structure them in doing so.
  10. Find things they can do for you now and ask them to do such things. Think of expertise you need, information you need, and give them ample opportunity to feel useful.
  11. Find things to thank them for, especially memories from the past. Thank them randomly.
  12. Tell them what a terrible child you must have been, and how bad you feel for having been such a bother to them.
  13. Reveal all the things you kept secret from them at the time. Blow their minds. Actually, it will probably surprise them that you weren't worse.
  14. Call them more often than they need for you to. Try to call during their favorite TV show, so they will be in a hurry to get you off the phone.
  15. Don't criticize them to others. Get into the habit of praising them to your friends. That won't change them, but it will free you from your adolescent pout with them.
  16. Name your children after them.
  17. Don't name your pets after them.
  18. Take them to movies about parents and children. Mommie Dearest or The Great Santini are good choices. Then talk about it, taking the parent's side. Since they've been children longer than they've been parents, they might just counter by seeing the conflict from the child's perspective.
  19. Give your parent a copy of this article.
  20. Take your parents with you to your therapist and tell the therapist what wonderful parents they have been. If your parent doesn't respond by telling your therapist how wonderful you are, give him or her another copy of this article, and underline the parts that seem relevant. 

Imperfect Parents

One of the most highly valued functions of used parents these days is to be the villains of their children's lives, the people the child blames for any shortcomings or disappointments. This approach toward escaping guilt is an effort to protect the self-proclaimed victim from having to take responsibility for his or her own life. But if your identity comes from your parent's failings, then you remain forever a member of the child generation, stuck and unable to move on to adulthood in which you identify yourself in terms of what you do rather than what has been done to you.

I know your parents, like most parents including my own, including me, made a lot of mistakes. That was then; this is now. “A lot of parents came into adulthood as they raised you, and are better people now than they were then.” There are great advantages to seeing yourself as an accident created by amateur parents as they practiced. You then have been left in an imperfect state and the rest is up to you. Only the most pitifully inept child requires perfection from parents. It might help for the parents to apologize a few times, but the child who would become an adult must finally get off the parents' back and get on with the job at hand.

Some parents were awful back then and are awful still. They got stuck in childhood and adolescence, and the process of raising you did not turn them into grownups. Parents who were clearly imperfect can be helpful to you. As you were trying to grow up despite their fumbling efforts, you had to develop skills and tolerances other kids missed out on. Some of the strongest people I know grew up taking care of inept, invalid, or psychotic parents—but they knew the parents were not normal, healthy and whole. Children of imperfect parents might be grateful to their imperfect parents for the opportunities to develop unexpected strengths. My sister and I are firmly convinced that our mother's alcoholism made us stronger people and better caretakers. Such a tragic-comic existence certainly did wonders for our sense of humor.

The Problem with Some Family Therapists

I end up doubting those mental health theories that find closeness and interdependency between the generations unhealthy. I'm not convinced that people are better off if they differentiate a lot as Murray Bowen would have us do, break free from all their warm, cozy enmeshment as Sal Minuchin advised, and leave home the way Jay Haley encouraged us to do. I like being as close to my children as I am, talking over cases and writing papers with my psychologist daughters and working out with my triathlete son. Our son is also our accountant and Betsy's primary source of business advice. My 90-year-old psychiatrist father-in-law, who has been a source of much of my clinical wisdom, is now living with us and letting us a do a few things for him, to pay him back for all he has done for us.

Whose life is it anyway? As we raise our children, as we invest our hopes, our energies, our futures and our very beings into them, we are hoping for something back, something that we will get from our children, both now and in the future, that will make up for whatever the deficiencies in our own parenting. Each life carries within it all the generations that came before and all the generations to follow. In whatever we do, we must be aware of both. I have lived through adolescence, in which I felt only connected to my generation, and oppressed by anyone who would require my allegiance to anything outside myself. “I have lived through the adolescent sense that the history of my family and of the human race begins and ends with me, and now that I see myself connected on both ends, I no longer feel lost and alone.”

Therapists Who Blame Your Parents

There are therapists who have had wonderful training wasted on them but who will never be therapeutic because they are still members of the child generation and have not moved up to the parent perspective. They might do well to rethink their career choices until they have worked out their business with their own parents. Child-generation therapists might think that guilt is a killer, and any relationship, any reality, any responsibility must be shucked to protect grown children from guilt. They may encourage you to blame your life on the mistakes of your parents rather than encourage you to find out what the experience was like for your parents, how they learned to be the people and the parents they were, and how they would do it over again now. That exploration brings parents and children together, and can set them both free. An adult-generation therapist (of any age) will see both you and your parents through the eyes of an adult rather than just through the eyes of a child, and will know that you must forgive your parents if you are ever to be free of your sense of childlike helplessness.

The point of exploring your parents' deficiencies is for you to correct the misinformation you've received as a result, not to blame your life on them and then avoid them. You can't escape them anyway. Your biological parents are present in every chromosome in your body. The parents who raised you are present in every word you speak, every action you take. Your job is not to satisfy your parents, nor to fix them, but to understand them. Only through understanding them can you finally understand yourself.

This article was excerpted, in part, from Grow Up! by Frank Pittman. 

Work Is Life: A Psychologist Looks at Identity and Work in America

“Sure, I love my family, but nothing will ever take the place of my job!”

This was our first meeting and "Patti" was sitting in my psychotherapy office explaining to me that her life was over. She felt her boss had betrayed her; she had left work on disability; she no longer had an identity.

I wasn't surprised. Over the course of the past seven years I have met with dozens of women and men who seek out psychotherapy after feeling betrayed at the workplace. For them, work isn't what they do for money; nor is it an important part of their lives which provides them with a sense of purpose. Work is their life. And when it ends, they are devastated, feeling as though they are aliens or exiles from a society that increasingly values commitment to and identification with work over all else.

The new work order—spearheaded by the high-tech companies of Silicon Valley—is creating total company cultures that offer engagement, a shared sense of purpose, exhilaration, and interpersonal connection that is increasingly absent in people's families and communities outside the workplace. As divorce, geographic mobility, social fragmentation and the decline of neighborhood, community and civic participation grow, more and more of us are turning to the workplace for the satisfaction of needs formerly filled by family, friends and neighbors.

We Are Family

This trend is hard to resist. As workplaces become campuses offering gyms, free food, parties, sports leagues, chess clubs, and massage therapy, it is not surprising that more of us like spending long hours at work. In the absence of countervailing institutions that sustain and protect us, or that provide a vision of how life should be led and for what purpose, corporations offer a sense of belonging and personal identity. Company logos and slogans that surround employees and pervade our culture often are all people can identity with, claim as their own. Supervisors become parental figures to dote on and please; coworkers become one's community, and the corporation feeds our unmet longings with countless exhortations that "We Are A Team!"; "We're Number One!"; "We Are Fam-i-ly!"

The catch in all of this, of course, is that the people who control "the family" can lay us off, change our jobs, fire our supervisors, or make things so unpleasant that "divorce" feels preferable to the ongoing emotional abuse we often feel at our workplaces. And if we invest all of our energies, time and emotional needs in our jobs, there is often little to fall back on when work ends.

"Patti" knows this all too well. As a 39-year-old black mother of two who lives with her boyfriend, a high school math teacher, Patti spent much of her early life on welfare. But in spite of her modest beginnings, she has been able to complete college, buy a home, and work as a bookkeeper in a growing biotechnology firm. This position has been her favorite. The company emphasizes "team spirit," and her boss, a vice president, repeatedly talks about the company being "one big family." “The company's unofficial anthem is “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge, a song that is played at company picnics and parties.”

Patti's boss, Bill, always struck her as an extremely ethical, fair-minded man whom she often turned to for advice about problems at work. Although she did not believe Bill favored her, she did think he respected her and always was extremely laudatory in his evaluations of her work. Because she admired Bill and trusted his judgment so completely, Patti made him the executor of her will. "He sort of reminded me of Marcus Welby. When he was around, you knew things were gonna be okay."

After three years working at this company, a new computer system to handle accounts receivable and accounts payable was introduced. Patti found the new system difficult to work with and believed it was much worse than the previous system. She voiced her concerns to Bill and was surprised that rather than welcoming the feedback, he seemed annoyed. Gradually her boss's calm, benevolent mien changed. He became more critical and sharp. As Bill's impatience with Patti grew, her ability to work with the new computer system floundered. She often stayed after work trying to make up for how long it took her to process accounts on the new system during working hours. She increasingly got headaches and began seeing her doctor for what was later diagnosed as irritable bowel syndrome. When Bill asked her for a report she had not completed, she states that she felt herself "sinking. It was like my identity was being taken away. I could tell he thought I was a fuck-up."

Finally, Bill came into Patti's office one day clutching a handful of her billing statements, his face red with rage. "Are you the person for this job? Are you the person for this job?" she reports his shouting at her. He threw the papers at her and stormed out the door. ““That was it; I knew that was it. It was over.”” Patti has some amnesia for what happened next, but is able to recount that she found herself at a hospital emergency room that evening complaining of numbness and tingling in her arm.

Patti's doctor immediately took her off work and referred her to me for psychological assessment. When I met with her, Patti was clinically depressed, with slow mentation, dulled to the activity around her. "I have no identity. My work was everything and I blew it. It's over." During the next few months, Patti grew distant from both her boyfriend and children. Although she repeatedly acknowledged that her family was worried about her and she felt some guilt in connection to this, she insisted her "other family, my work family is gone." Bill had been her main conduit to that "other family," and his unhappiness with her seemed to sever the tie that bound her to the larger community of the company family. Patti recounted that her anxiety about learning the new computer system had been fueled by her belief that if she were unable to master it, her employment with the company would end. "And that would be it. No more having a reason to get up in the morning." Curiously in this equation Patti's children, boyfriend, or recent purchase of a home did not seem to beckon her out of bed.

“They Made Me What I Am!”

On the surface, my new patient, "Lionel," appears quite different from Patti. A tall, lean man of Irish descent with a wife of 20 years, a step-son and a home in the suburbs, Lionel has worked for one of the oldest Silicon Valley corporations for 27 years. His is a true American success story: rising from mailroom worker to manager in marketing, Lionel has ridden the wave of the high tech revolution. Because he has never worked for any other employer, his emotional dependence on his job transcends any feeling he has had for another person. "They made me what I am. Without their faith in me I'd probably still be working minimum wage. “I love my wife, but I owe my company everything.”"

At his workplace, every employee, including the CEO, occupies a certain level on a scale of 1 to 100. Within each level, an employee is ranked on a 1-to-5 scale according to job performance. Lionel became obsessed with levels and rankings. He was a "59"; his supervisor was a "63," and Lionel hadn't seen any advancement in three years. Therefore he continually ruminated about how to advance his career "to leave the fifties." When a new job within another division became available, Lionel applied. Although he admits he wasn't truly qualified for the job, he pressured the division that was hiring to give him the position. "It was my ticket. I'd automatically be a 63."

Once in his new job, Lionel was overwhelmed. He didn't understand the operating system and was too afraid to ask questions, fearing that those who had hired him would immediately see him as what he thought himself to be, a fraud. He struggled, developed chronic neck and shoulder pain, and found himself increasingly irritable with his family. For the first time in his life he exhibited "road rage" as he sat in his car, commuting two hours each way to the corporation that "made him who he was." Three months into his agony, Lionel was sitting in a team meeting with his new supervisor, a man 15 years his junior with an MBA from a prestigious business school. The supervisor stared at Lionel for what seemed to be an eternity and then, according to Lionel, asked him for a report in a voice dripping with sarcasm. Lionel began to hyperventilate, had to leave the room, and rushed to the company nursing station in a full-blown panic attack.

Lionel is now off work on short-term disability. He feels he cannot return to his workplace because he is humiliated. Lionel believes there is no other job for him despite having an outstanding resume. The rage at his new supervisor whom Lionel feels shamed by is palpable. Lionel states that he can identify with men who go to the workplace and kill supervisors and coworkers out of feelings of betrayal: "I know I'd never do anything like that so you don't have to worry that you have some loon on your hands, but I get it. I never could understand that kind of thing before this happened to me. . . . What? You're just suppose to sit there and take it?"

Despite significant differences in gender and race, Patti and Lionel share the feeling that severance from the world of work is exile from life itself. “They both looked to their workplaces for feelings of emotional security, self-esteem, and belonging.” In return for providing what these employees experienced as self-sustaining environments, Patti's and Lionel's employers benefited enormously from having workers who worshipped their companies, worked long hours, and would do virtually any task in order to elicit their supervisors' approval.

A Radical Notion: Work is Not Life

Emotional recovery for Patti, Lionel and others like them is not easy. While Americans are devoting increasing amounts of time and energy to their work, no social institutions, frameworks of meaning, or even words exist for a "divorce" from a highly valued job. The empathy that is commonly available and considered socially acceptable when a romantic relationship fails is considered inappropriate if not absurd when applied to a work relationship. “The “divorced” employee often has little more than the advice columns in newspaper business sections to turn to, and these routinely tout the virtues of “flexibility,” “marketability,” and treating oneself “as a business.”” The overriding sentiment is simply "get on with it; send out those resumes; only the weak or psychologically impaired could remain emotionally attached to a job."

To counter this disregard I began running a group therapy program seven years ago for clients who feel they have been betrayed at work. The groups function to support and normalize people's experiences, underscore how jobs alone cannot provide identity, and demonstrate how boundaries and limits must be set so that employers do not become pseudo-parents to be pleased.

Ultimately the task for any participant in group is to find connection, esteem, identity and a feeling of aliveness outside of work even while satisfying some of these needs on the job. "Putting all of one's eggs in one basket"—investing in one sphere of life to the exclusion of all others—diminishes what a human being can be and portends emotional devastation if that one sphere fails. Admittedly this task is an arduous one given the sorry state of family and community life for many Americans. But to cede our emotional lives to corporations whose ultimate goal is always profit and power is an act with unparalled political and psychological consequences.

The betrayed workers I have listened to for the past seven years have tried to do what so many of us in this country seem to be attempting to achieve on a daily basis, that is, satisfy unmet emotional needs through our jobs. Perhaps these women and men tried a little too hard, had a surfeit of needs, too few internal resources to begin with, untempered naivete, too great a belief in the American dream of success and salvation through work. But they are on a continuum with most of us who choose longer hours, take fewer vacations, and wake up and go to sleep at night thinking about our jobs. If under the rubric of "group therapy" these exiles from the labor force can learn that there are other ways of connecting with people who are not coworkers or supervisors, I believe I will have accomplished something. “I will have helped them see that work is not life—surprisingly an increasingly radical notion at the beginning of the new millennium.” 

Breaking Barriers to Doing Corporate Consulting

Today's most enterprising therapists are realizing that the most promising opportunities for new business lie outside of the healthcare system. There, the people skills they honed with clinical populations can find countless new applications. Nonetheless, many established therapists, as well as current graduate students, go on seeking new clientele inside the healthcare marketplace. Developing new markets is the major challenge of therapists wanting to start up or remain in independent practice.

Lucrative business opportunities readily open when different segments of the marketplace are targeted. Corporate consulting represents one such major opportunity. Much contemporary corporate activity centers on technology issues, information processing, and creating business ecosystems. How well the necessary infrastructure works for optimizing these activities is rooted in the company's people. Daniel Goleman recognizes this in his work, Working With Emotional Intelligence, when he estimates that 90 percent of success in business leadership is directly attributable to "soft skills." People problems inevitably result when a company focuses too exclusively on technology skills.

Solving People Problems

Psychologists and counselors are eminently qualified to improve people skills in the work place. Therapists already have valuable knowledge and skills that can, with adaptation, be used to raise the emotional intelligence of company leaders, as well as to solve other business problems related to people. In order to successfully do so, there first are several major barriers through which clinicians must successfully break.

The first is re-conceptualizing the framework out of which they design and deliver consultative services. With clinical services, the major focus is upon understanding and relieving an individual client's personal suffering. To mistakenly view a company's people problems through this same framework of dysfunction and psychopathology will result in assigning medical diagnoses and starting psychotherapeutic interventions designed to remediate the individual pathology. In corporate work, only occasionally will the problem reside in a single person. Most frequently, the consultant seeks an understanding of how the organizational context motivates the employee's behavior and, conversely, of how the individual affects the company. “The business psychologist's emphasis is upon optimizing organizational results by altering people's behavior inside the organizational system.”

The conceptual framework includes any body of psychological knowledge that is relevant to the business problem at hand. The theory base for business psychology is the "the application of clinical psychology's traditional knowledge and skill base, modified and augmented by related knowledge bases (such as organizational development theory), to people working in business settings for the ultimate purpose of optimizing business performance. . . . The overall aim of business psychology is enhancing people processes and work performance—of individuals, teams, managers at all levels, and, ultimately, the entire business." (Perrott, Reinventing Your Practice as a Business Psychologist, p. 6,7)

“Therapists-turned-consultants use their knowledge of people (not psychopathology) to enhance corporate performance.” They use their own people skills to form and maintain multiple simultaneous relationships inside the company in order to bring about the desired organizational outcomes. Doing so is a departure from the typical therapist's clinical posture of detachment and reactivity, while focused on an individual person.

The second barrier is the sales barrier. If a consultant closes no sales, there are no opportunities to work. Opportunities to optimize company performance are created by sales of consultative services to companies. To create such opportunities, the sales barrier must be broken, and, to do this, the access issue must first be addressed: how to get into the company. Doors will be opened once a consultant has something of known value to contribute to the company. In order to design results-producing consultative services, therapists wanting to work in corporate settings must find ways for getting to know businesses from the inside, so as to learn about their common needs. This information provides the basis for designing value-adding consultative services. Regular reading of business-oriented publications such as the Wall Street Journal and Business Week teaches about the typical issues and problems businesses face and provides an ongoing resource for ideas about possible business solutions.

An excellent direct way to learn about corporate functioning is to take an administrative role in a corporate healthcare setting or, alternatively, accept a leadership work position in a non-healthcare corporate setting. A different means is vicarious learning through networking with people already employed in corporate settings. Joining service clubs, such as Rotary or Kiwanis, regularly brings together "meet and eat" gatherings of company people who are quite willing to discuss business issues openly. Yet another avenue for getting together with business people is active participation in Chamber of Commerce activities.

Once business issues become known and consultative solutions have been designed, active marketing approaches must then successfully create the means for actually setting foot inside businesses, so that sales relationships can be developed. Essentially, corporate consulting is a relationship business. Putting together effective promotional campaigns that establish attractive market positions is a fundamental step toward breaking the sales barrier. Regularly communicating with the business community about effective business psychology services that have been designed to fulfill corporate needs will establish the basis for eventually breaking the sales barrier.

quote:Closely related to selling is breaking the third barrier: that of relevance. Without creating a consultative service that has direct and positive impact on business performance, sales efforts for that product will go nowhere. The basis for repeatedly breaking the sales barrier is convincing companies how they will be better off after receiving business psychology services than they were before. “Aspiring consultants must use their organizational insights creatively to design an array of consultative services, each of which results in attention-catching business results.” A useful first exercise for a new consultant is to decide upon one or more very focused "starter services." Each is a narrowly targeted consultative service set up to fulfill some very specific business needs. The overall aim is to deliver the service quickly, producing business results that have large impact in small areas.

Case Example

One company has narrowed its field of choices for a newly created Team Leader position to two internal candidates. One is a young man of color in his late twenties who has been with the company four years. He seems bright, is articulate and well-liked by colleagues, and seems eager to learn. The other candidate is a woman in her early thirties who has been with the company seven years. She is vocal, an able problem-solver in her present assignment, ambitious, and widely admired. The company decision-makers are evenly split on whom to choose. Hearing about this dilemma, the enterprising consultant proposes using business psychology skills to assist the company solve this personnel problem. Through interview and administration of a brief battery of psychological tests, a profile of each candidate's strengths and limitations can be created and reported to the decision-makers. This information will provide a relevant, rational basis for the company decision-makers to use in deciding whom they will promote. To propose the sale, the consultant quickly arranges a meeting with several of the key decision-makers, in order to make a case for doing the assessment. In the sales presentation, the consultant emphasizes the benefits to the company of purchasing the service:

A.  the objectivity of the methods used;
B.  the advantages of having profiles of each candidate for comparison, rather than using subjective hunches; and
C.  the savings of company money and time resulting from making a data-driven choice.

After breaking the sales barrier, the business psychologist quickly begins actual delivery of the assessment. Arranging a meeting with the decision-makers allows inquiry into the specific job duties and responsibilities of the new Team Leader position, the characteristics of the work team, and, most importantly, the overall outcomes expected during the next year. In the hypothetical example here, the company is projecting bold team performance expectations and also expects that there will be considerable conflict of ideas within the team about how to achieve these goals. This high-powered work team is expected to become operational quickly. There will be little tolerance for inefficiencies or outcomes short of expectations. Excellent communication and outstanding problem-solving will be required, as well as the ability to lead a team swiftly through complex and ambiguous technical issues that could very suddenly and unexpectedly arise. After learning this, the consultant extracts the critical success factors for the new job and designs an assessment strategy to evaluate those areas. The consultant then conducts the managerial assessment with each candidate using structured interview techniques and psychometric instruments chosen to comply with ADA requirements.

One candidate's profile revealed a very restricted vocabulary, a repeated tendency to handle interpersonal conflicts through using minimizing and avoidance tactics, very high personal stress levels, and past leadership preferences for reliance on setting a strong personal example and use of verbal intimidation approaches during times of uncertainty. Which of the two candidates mentioned above would you guess had this profile?

The consultant reviews the two resulting candidate profiles with the company decision-makers, giving them the desired rational basis for deciding which candidate to select. Once they had the candidate profile outlined in the paragraph above, the decision-makers were readily able to decide that this was not the person they would promote into the new Team Leader position. “The company benefited here by not making a costly error in selecting a candidate who very likely would have fallen short of their expectations within the first year.” The overall savings to the company based on lost team productivity, lowered team morale, possible loss of valued team employees, and use of additional management time to rectify the error later more than offsets the cost of the assessment. Only after the sales barrier was broken could there be an opportunity to successfully tackle the relevance barrier, and then deliver the services.

Epilogue

Therapists have developed considerable people expertise that has direct relevance in corporate settings. But business psychology does not consist of simply transplanting the delivery of psychotherapy inside corporate walls. In order for clinicians to produce valuable business results, their clinical knowledge and skills must first be adapted and channeled for focused use there. It must also be supplemented with additional knowledge about organizational functioning and corporate issues that go outside most therapists' traditional paradigms. As therapists becomes more proficient at breaking the three barriers outlined above, enterprising new markets for psychologically grounded consultative services will open up inside corporate settings. Designing, selling, and delivering business psychology services is the basis for establishing longer-term relationships with corporations that can readily result in repeated sales over many years.

References

Goleman, Daniel. (1998) Working With Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books.

Perrott, Louis A. (1999) Reinventing Your Practice as a Business Psychologist. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Inc

Hollywood on the Couch

My client (call him Larry) sits across from me, holding his stomach gingerly, rocking back and forth in his seat. His face, once seen smiling proudly next to a feature article about him in the Los Angeles Times, is now set in a rictus of pain.

"Jesus, my stomach's in knots," Larry groans. "I'm six weeks late with the script. Six weeks! The studio's climbing all over me, my agent's screaming on the phone." He looks morosely at me. "I swear, the problem is that goddamned Oscar. If only I hadn't won it . . . "

I nod. This is the familiar Oscar-as-jinx lament, one I've heard often from clients since I began my practice in Hollywood. After winning the Academy Award for Best Screenplay some years back, Larry's writing career careened from one disaster to another. His Oscar win resulted in an avalanche of job offers, which pushed his script fee into the stratosphere. The result? Every movie studio he worked for resented paying his huge fees, while every producer complained that his work for them certainly didn't seem to be "Oscar-caliber." The Hollywood buzz was that maybe Larry was a one-shot wonder.

Unfortunately, by now he'd traded up to a multimillion dollar house in the Pacific Palisades, had both kids in expensive private schools, and was the principal investor in his wife's Pilates studio. His nut, as they say, is killing him.

"Know what I did yesterday?" he asks, managing a tight smile. "I put the Oscar out in the garage. I swear, that thing is cursed. Evil. Like the devil doll in that old Twilight Zone episode."

Larry says he knows for a fact that the Oscar was cursed, because it had already jinxed him once before. He'd hidden it away in a linen closet while he was rewriting a thriller for Sony, but his wife had taken it out and put it on the mantle when his in-laws came to visit. Soon thereafter Sony cancelled the whole project."I think that's the reason the picture never got made," Larry says, giving me a knowing look.

I smile. "In my business, Larry, we call that 'magical thinking.'"

"Yeah, well in my business we call that going four years without having a movie produced. If I don't totally nail this script for Warners, my agent says I'm not gonna get my asking price for the next one. If there is a next one."

He stops rocking long enough to take a swig from his Evian water. "My big mistake was winning the damn thing in the first place. If only I'd just been nominated . . . when you're nominated, you pick up a nice buzz, maybe get a better agent. You're hot, but not too hot. You're on the radar screen, but you're not blinking. Not drawing all the heavy fire, know what I mean?"

In fact, I knew exactly what he meant. I'd heard other award-winning clients—actors, writers, directors—say pretty much the same thing. “Because in Hollywood, where everyone's goal is to attract attention, there are some people for whom the worst thing that can happen is to attract attention.” And then there are all the other people, for whom the worst thing that can happen is not to attract any attention at all . . .

Hollywood from the Inside

Formerly a Hollywood screenwriter myself for many years, I'm now a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) in private practice in Los Angeles. My clients are primarily writers, actors, and directors in the entertainment industry. They range from the famous and successful to the unknown and struggling. And after 15 years of doing therapy in Hollywood, I can state one thing with complete confidence:

Doing therapy is the same everywhere. Except here, where it's different.

For example, my session with Larry illustrates one of the many paradoxes that creative people grapple with in the entertainment industry. Many of my most noted clients live for the big break, the surprise hit, the runaway success. But, when it happens, they often fear it's only a fluke—their talent fraudulent, their fabulous careers as fragile as the opulent houses precariously cantilevered over the earthquake-prone Hollywood Hills.

Of course, for my less-successful show business clients, Larry's "problem" is the kind of luxury they can only dream about. For these folks, it's a daily struggle just to maintain a career, much less an intact sense of self-worth, in the face of brutal competition, insatiable demands for the next new thing, and industry-wide contempt for the unyoung, unrich, and unbeautiful.

In such a roiling climate of soaring hopes, crashing defeats, and maddening near-misses, it's no wonder that my clients have an ambivalent, anxious love-hate relationship with the Hollywood Dream. They know the odds, but they're still driven to grasp for the shiny brass ring that's always, though sometimes just barely, out of reach. As one of my long-suffering writer clients remarked about Hollywood, "It's a place where anything can happen—and nothing ever does."

Doing therapy, of course, is doing therapy—whoever the client and whatever the locale. All human beings come with roughly the same emotional equipment and confront, with greater or lesser success, the same old dramas of love, fear, loss, anger, desire, ambition, and envy. And yet, the peculiar—not to say extreme—values and circumstances of Hollywood give these ordinary human dilemmas a unique twist that therapists are far less likely to see in, say, Toledo or Baltimore or Omaha. So “a lot of the therapy I do is to provide an opportunity for creative people to talk about their specific problems with someone who doesn't have an axe to grind and knows the intricacies of their business.”

For example, notwithstanding Larry's troubles, everyone in town hungers after awards. This is why, after practicing here for a while, you notice that there's an almost seasonal quality to the work. Just as accountants get swamped at tax time, I've noticed severe spikes in my clients' career anxieties during the annual frenzy of award nominations.

In recent years, awards have proliferated like viruses. Besides the old standards—the Oscars and Emmys—there are now the Golden Globes, the People's Choice, and the MTV Awards, as well as less-publicized awards (but crucial to the industry) bestowed by venerable union organizations like the Writers Guild, Directors Guild, and Producers Guild. Falling roughly within a four-month period, this annual harvest of award nominations—"the season of envy," one of my clients calls it—gives people in the business a wonderfully rich smorgasbord of opportunities for bitterness, resentment, despair, and self-loathing.

This year's Oscars were particularly galling for some of my clients, who've managed to battle their way into the Hollywood mass-entertainment production machine, but have never lost their yearning to be artists. With one exception (The Aviator), the Best Picture nominees for this year's Oscar awards were all independent films. Developed and produced outside the conventional studio process, these movies were more idiosyncratic and "character-driven" (read: "artistic") than typical, mass-market-oriented Hollywood fare. "See, those are the kinds of films I want to make," a director client bitterly complained. "But what does my agent set up for me? The next Scooby-Doo sequel!"

A successful actress in my practice fumed with envy about Hilary Swank's second Academy Award for Best Actress. "Excuse me, but she got both of her Oscars for playing women who get beaten to death! What's up with that? Is this some kinda trend? Maybe that's my problem . . . Everyone I've ever played is still alive at the end of the movie."

This is life in Hollywood for most ambitious people in the business: living in a state of extreme self-consciousness, feeling that your entire worth as a human being is being judged by people who are technically your peers, but much richer, more successful, and probably a lot cooler than you. Meanwhile, you secretly think you're as good or better than they are (when not worrying that you're really not), and desperately want them to like and accept you. You also suspect that they mostly don't know you exist.

Sound familiar? It should. Because, from my perspective, Hollywood is just like high school.

In high school, you try out for a spot on the basketball team or the cheerleading squad or the drama club's latest play, and, if you're like most of us, you don't get it. You spend hours honing your particular "look" in the mirror, working on cool repartee, practicing smoking a joint without choking, and flaunting the latest electronic gizmos money can buy. But the girl you want to hook up with still thinks you're a dork, and the guys you want to impress just look at you with bored, half-closed lizard eyes before ambling away.

So, what do you do for comfort? What everybody does: rationalize. You tell yourself that these people aren't worth the grief; that they're basically dumb jocks or silly little girls. You ostentatiously ignore them or loudly disdain them.

Likewise, my show business clients, feeling ignored or unappreciated by their peers, boycott watching the awards shows, cancel their subscriptions to the "trade papers" (Variety and The Hollywood Reporter) and, in sessions with me, indignantly list the many worthy, though obscure, films and TV programs that should have been nominated, if the awards weren't such monuments to fraud, irrelevance, and blatant commercialism.

For my clients working in television, I'd guess the ultimate pinnacle of Hollywood-as-high school happened the night a few years back when writer-producer David E. Kelley won an Emmy award for Best Comedy (Alley McBeal) and one for Best Drama (The Practice). Then he got to go home to celebrate with his wife, Michelle Pfieffer. “The fallout from that evening went on for weeks in my practice. How could any of my clients, no matter how successful, top that?” It's as though Kelley got to be both Class President and first-string quarterback, while making it every night with the Prom Queen.

Everyone remembers the rigid caste system of high school—the "royals" (the popular kids, good-looking girls, athletic stars, Big Men and Women on Campus) and the various lesser castes of brainiacs, greasers, and assorted wannabes.

Ditto Hollywood. For example, in the film business, there are those "above the line" (movie stars, producers, screenwriters, and directors) and those "below the line" (cinematographers, costume designers, makeup artists, etc.). While you might think such demarcations are only the concern of contract attorneys and accountants, the sociological ramifications of commingling these worlds can be huge.

Not too long ago, I had an initial session with a well-known movie actress, who burst into tears not 10 seconds after she sat down on my couch.

"I'm in love," she said with difficulty, "really in love for the first time in my life. We're engaged and everything."

"Congratulations," I said at a loss.

"But we can't get married!" She drew herself up. "I know I'm going to sound horrible, and like a total bitch, but I can't go through with it. I mean, everyone's telling me to call it off. My friends. My managers. And I love Gary, I really, really do . . . it's just . . . "

"What?"

"He's a set decorator, and, well, I just don't think I should marry below the line!"

She was entirely serious.

"And I'm not just thinking about myself," she went on. "You know what the tabloids are gonna do with this. Look at what they did to Julia Roberts when she married that cameraman. They made her life hell—and his, too. I can't put Gary through that." She looked down. "Or me, either."

"Have you discussed this with Gary? I can see how it would be difficult, but . . . "

"He brought it up to me!" she exclaimed, eyes shining. "He worries that he won't fit into my world. He even worries about what it might do to my career. He's very thoughtful like that. Why do you think I love him? He's so unlike all the other guys I've been with. He wasn't even married when we started dating."

She put her chin on her hands. "I'm not stupid. I know we don't exactly make sense. I mean, he drives around in a Range Rover. He goes fishing. But I also know it shouldn't matter.

"But it does?"

She took a breath, then slowly nodded. "Yes," she said a last. "I feel really shitty about it . . . but yes."

I saw that her pain was real, her conflict genuine.

But we both knew the reality of life in Hollywood—and in high school. Prom queens don't go steady with the A-V guys. Not without paying a price.

I never saw her again after that one session. Then, months later, I read somewhere that she and her fiancé Gary had broken up.

The Television Rat Race

Just as awards season is ending, something called "staffing season" begins. This is the three-month period when new and returning series are building their production staffs, negotiating with their returning stars, writers, and directors, and meeting with potential new employees. It's a harrowing ordeal for my clients, having their work evaluated by series producers and network executives, not knowing whether they'll have a chance at huge success or be thrown back into the oblivion of unemployment.

Again it's the unedifying spectacle of mature adults going through gruesome rituals that resemble nothing more than those that high-school seniors endure: taking SATs, writing endless college application essays, trying to impress college recruiters, wheedling recommendations from teachers, and waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for their fate to be sealed . . . 

Nancy was in her thirties, a single mother of two whose last job as an executive story editor on a sitcom ended when the series was cancelled the year before. She'd been out of work since then, and dreaded the arrival of another staffing season.

"God, it's like a nightmare," Nancy said, pushing her hair back from her forehead. "I can't stand talking to my writer friends anymore. All we do is obsess about staffing season. 'Did you get a meeting?' 'Is your agent sending out your new spec script?' 'I heard they're looking for someone at Hope and Faith.'" She shook her head. "Talk about desperate housewives. . ."

Nancy recited her litany of complaints (I'd heard variations of it from all my writing clients): her agent wanted her to give in and write scripts for the kind of lowbrow sitcom she couldn't even stand to watch, much less write for. She was also furious because she'd been turned down as a script-writer for 8 Simple Rules, a show about a single mother. "They said I wouldn't be right for it," she said, her voice dripping sarcasm. "Of course not. I'm a single mom with kids, so how the hell could I write about a single mom with kids. Those pricks!"

I hesitated, then brought up a writing job on a little-known cable series—a show we'd been referring to for weeks as her "fallback" position.

"Christ, I don't even want to think about it," Nancy said. "Talk about the bottom of the barrel. If only my kids hadn't got kinda used to eating regularly."

She looked up, letting me see for only a moment the pain, yearning and desperation behind the sarcasm

"So what do you think?" she asked at last. "If I even get a meeting . . . and if they even make an offer . . . and if it doesn't completely suck . . . should I take it?"

She did, they did, it didn't—so she took it.

Quitting Time?

There's one issue that virtually all creative people in Hollywood wrestle with on an almost continual basis, on a scale unimaginable to clients in practically any other field of endeavor: namely, should they leave the business entirely?

In most professions, career success follows a more or less predictable trajectory. If you're a lawyer, banker, computer programmer, doctor, or the like, you spend a number of years learning your profession, then you generally ascend—if your job isn't outsourced or your CEO indicted for fraud—to a reasonable level of security, seniority, and maybe even pretty decent pay.

For the creative professional navigating a show-business career, there's no such path. Triumph and failure follow one another—in fact, feed one another—in a maddeningly erratic way. Hollywood is a notoriously fickle industry, where you can earn vast sums for a few years, then face a sudden and inexplicable loss of marketability, followed immediately by a severe cash drought. Not surprisingly, creative professionals spend an inordinate amount of time in therapy discussing whether to ditch the whole thing and start over.

Of course, many people in their forties and fifties go through midlife crises during which they wonder if they, too, shouldn't leave their boring law partnerships or real estate businesses and try their hand at running a B&B in Vermont. But, for most of these people, the crisis passes—they get therapy, they join a fitness club, they work on their marriages, they make modest changes in their careers that give them a larger degree of contentment and peace. The whole process is a one-time thing, with a more or less definable resolution at the end.

For Hollywood entertainment professionals, however, this "midlife" crisis afflicts them throughout their careers. Wondering whether to continue struggling against repeated rejections, chronic frustration, and financial hardship on the off chance of "making it"—or else, giving up and getting into something, anything more dependable—is the name of the game in this town.

At least weekly in my practice, a veteran show-business client—perhaps with a family, five projects in development, and a vacation home in Bali—gives me a haggard look and admits, with undeniable sincerity, that the business is driving him crazy, that he "can't stand the bullshit anymore," and that he's wondering if this is really what he wants from life. "Is it always going to be this bad?" he asks wistfully. "I spend half the time hating my job and wondering what I really want to be when I grow up."

And yet, very few clients ever do leave the business, regardless of the perfectly sensible arguments against continuing to struggle in Hollywood. Take Phil, for example, one of my clients who declared to me in the most melodramatic, forceful—not to say weirdest—way possible that he'd had enough.

In his mid-forties, Phil was an established TV writer-producer in my practice who one day left five breathless messages within the space of an hour on my voicemail, while he was on vacation in Kauai.

I called him back at the number he'd left, a lone pay phone near a cluster of cottages at some small, exclusive resort. I could hear waves lapping the shore, but I could barely hear him. He seemed to be whispering.

"Can you speak up?" I said.

"I said, I'm not coming back."

"To therapy?" This surprised me; I'd thought we'd been making some progress.

"Therapy? No . . . I mean, I'm not coming back to L.A."

"What? And why are you whispering?"

"I gotta keep it down. My wife's in the cottage, but the walls here are made outta leaves or somethin'. She'll hear me."

"Oh." A therapeutic pause.

"Look, I don't want her to know. Not yet. In fact, I'm thinking of letting her and the kids go back to L.A. without me. Tell 'em I need a couple extra days on my own to relax, unwind . . . "

"Is this true?"

"Are you kiddin'? I'm exec producer on a lame-ass series in its second season, with a bad time slot, and a flaming psychotic in the lead. What do you think?"

"But that's why you're on vacation. Some much needed R&R. Remote cottage, right on the ocean, no phones or faxes. Sounded great when we talked about it in session."

"It is great. That's why I'm not coming back."

"For an extra couple days . . . ?"

"For the rest of my life, man. But I'm not stayin' here. Too civilized. You can still get here by boat, or helicopter."

"I'm not following you, Phil."

"Damn right. Nobody is. See, once I get Helen and the kids on that plane home, I'm leaving this place and heading for parts unknown. Some little island off New Guinea, or maybe the Hindu Kush. Didja know they got parts there that are still unexplored, that aren't on any map?"

"You're serious."

"Hell, yeah. Look, I'm overweight, overworked, and overstressed. Buried in debt. I got a wife who hates me, two kids who hate both of us, an agent, three attorneys, a business manager, a domestic staff that rivals Brideshead, four cars, and a black lab that sees a grooming stylist and a pet shrink. With the whole damn thing on my shoulders. That means putting in an 80-hour workweek, cranking out jokes and story beats, with the goddamn network breathing down my neck, all while negotiating office politics that would baffle Elizabeth I. Fuck it, I'm goin' over the wall."

"Okay, I get how stressed you feel, how trapped. It can be very demanding, and murder on your personal life. But, if you work at it, you can find a balance . . . "

He chuckled wearily. "Hell, I've been looking for that balance for 18 years. I'm starting to think it's like net profit points in your contract—some kind of urban myth."

I tried a different approach. "Okay, let's say you just drop out of sight. Live on some uncharted island somewhere. What'll you do all day?"

"I was thinking along the lines of drinking and chasing women. And sleeping. Yeah, I got about a dozen years' worth of sleep to catch up on."

"That could get old. What about your mind, your creativity?"

"What's it done for me lately?"

"Well, it takes imagination to plot an escape from your life. A certain aesthetic daring."

"Yeah, I'm like David Copperfield. One minute I'm here, the next I'm gone. The Man Who Dropped Out." He paused. "Hey . . . wait a minute." There was a long silence on the phone.

"Phil? Phil? What's happening?" I asked. I could almost hear his brain whirring.

"I was just thinking," he said, "with computers and the net and satellite tracking, how hard it would be for a guy to really disappear. But finally, after all these close calls, he pulls it off. He's out, he's free as a bird. But then, what if his wife had to find him—their daughter needs a kidney transplant or something . . . "

I noticed his voice rising with excitement.

"But . . . " I said.

"No, listen. What if the guy's ex-business partner is looking for him, too? Millions are at stake. They hire these mercenaries to find him. Every episode ends with a cliff-hanger. Will they get him, won't they? . . . Uh, look, can we talk about that other stuff when I get back?"

"If you want. But I thought . . . "

"Shit, this is a great idea for a series, 9:00 slot. I can work it off that development deal I got at Fox . . . Hey, I gotta hang up and make some notes. See ya next week, our regular time?"

"I'll be here."

Hangin' In

There's an old joke about a man working in the circus, whose job it was to follow behind the elephants, sweeping up their droppings. When asked why he doesn't find some other line of work, he replies, "What, and leave show business?"

What makes the joke funny, of course, is the truth behind it. Creative and talented people, once having tasted the wild nectar of Hollywood success, find it almost impossible to quit the field, even when the odds are stacked against them. And nothing stacks the odds higher than committing the one unpardonable sin in Hollywood—getting older. As veteran TV writer Larry Gelbart said in a recent interview, "The only way to beat ageism in Hollywood is to die young."

At 58, my client Walter has been directing episodic television for most of his adult life—except for the past five years, during which, despite Herculean efforts to get work, he's been unemployed. He also got divorced and lost his house, and had to move to a condo in Thousand Oaks.

At a recent session, Walter announced more bad news. "My agent finally dumped me," he said quietly, without rancor.

"I'm sorry, Walter. I know you've been his client a long time."

"Twenty-one years. Lasted longer than my marriage. And the sex was better . . . " He managed a rueful smile. "Hey, I can't blame him. He busted his ass for me. But let's face it, nobody wants to see a gray-haired old fart like me on the set. Everybody there looks like my grandchildren. Hell, they could be my grandchildren."

As is often the case with clients in his situation, we talked about options. Walter agreed that he could probably teach, but that even teaching jobs were getting scarce and the money wasn't very good. Not that he was poor—he had a generous pension and some decent stocks. But the money wasn't really what bothered him. Right now, at 58, he felt he was a better director than at any time in his life. He knew his craft, he understood actors, he could keep his head in a crisis. But it seemed clear that nobody wanted to see a face much over 40.

"I might as well pack it in," he said gloomily. "My life in this town is over."

"Your life isn't over, Walter." I said to him. "Neither is your career. Unless you're ready for it to be over."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you don't have to let other people decide what you can do. Or how to feel about what you can do."

"Shit, don't get all therapeutic on me now."

"I'm not. I'm being pragmatic. If you want to teach, go teach. But if you still love directing, go find something to direct. A play. A short film. You say you have a few bucks. Okay, then hire someone to write something. Or rent an Equity-waiver theater down on La Cienaga for a week and put something up on its feet."

"Forget it. I'm used to working for studios. Networks. Guys with parking spaces on the lot, who at least have to pay me for the privilege of pissing all over my work."

"And I know how much you'll miss that. But at least you'll be directing. If that's what you still want to do."

"Hell, it's what I am." He sat back, stroking the edge of his trim, salt-and-pepper beard. Then he laughed. "Hey," he said, "remember that joke about the guy at the circus, cleaning up after the elephants?"

"One of my favorites."

"You think I'm that guy?"

"Walter, I think we're all that guy. These are the lives we lead, the things we do. If it's who we really are, all we can do is keep doing them. “As a colleague of mine said once, about trying to achieve in any profession: Keep giving them you, until you is what they want.”"

He paused. "You know, Alvin Sergeant is in his seventies, and he wrote the two Spider-Man movies. Huge hits. For years, David Chase couldn't get arrested, and then he creates The Sopranos. Hell, John Huston directed his last picture in a wheelchair, sitting next to an oxygen tank."

"All true."

"I mean, maybe I'm just kiddin' myself, but . . . " He nodded toward the door. "There's gotta be at least one more elephant out there, right?"

I smiled. "I've never known a circus without one."

Resistant Clients: We’ve All Had Them; Here’s How to Help Them!

If you inwardly cringe when a client becomes resistant to the counseling or psychotherapy you're providing, take heart. Encountering resistance is likely evidence that therapy is taking place. In fact, several studies indicate that successful therapy is highly related to increases in resistance, and that low resistance corresponds with negative outcomes.1 There is an upper level of resistance (too much) as well as a lower level of resistance (too little) that are counterproductive. Getting to moderate levels of resistance is important to successful therapy, especially when followed by effective approaches and techniques.

The most effective therapists are prepared to encounter their clients' resistance—they know how to deal with it, and how to help their clients break through it. They do this by understanding what resistance represents psychologically, and they have developed a way of conceptualizing and reacting to the resistance that allows them to remain emotionally comfortable or centered.

We can deal with highly resistant clients effectively when we:

  1. learn to avoid common errors that unnecessarily create or foster resistance;
  2. recognize when resistance has gotten the better of us; and
  3. are able to consider the positive side of resistance.

Resistance has been defined from a number of perspectives. Traditional definitions have their roots in Freudian theory and usually place resistance inside the client. Such definitions view resistance as representing the client's efforts to repress anxiety-provoking memories and insights, or efforts to fight the therapist's influence. For example, Bischoff & Tracey define resistance as "any behavior that indicates covert or overt opposition to the therapist, the counseling process, or the therapist's agenda." Although common, such perspectives leave therapists lacking control and too much at the mercy of other influences when attempting to foster change.

The social interaction theorists view resistance as being the result of a ''negative interpersonal dynamic between the therapist and the client."2 Here, resistance is seen as something that results from the interactional style of the therapist and the client. The therapist allows the client to form a mutual communication pattern that hinders counseling and the change process. “The interactional view of resistance forces the therapist to remain aware of what he or she may be doing that actually promotes resistance.” The great benefit of this perspective is that changing your interaction style results in changing what has been deemed resistance. This perspective empowers therapists in managing resistance in therapy.

Whose Goal Are You Working On?

When we experience resistance, we say that the client is "not going anywhere." We feel stuck. Central to these statements is the question: Where is the client supposed to be going? The client is showing no progress toward what? One of the primary therapist errors that causes resistance is failure to establish a mutually agreed-upon objective. If you and your client are not in agreement about a desired outcome, problems are inevitable. Furthermore, you and your client should be able to clearly state the mutually agreed-upon objective. If a mutually agreed-upon objective has not been established and reasonable time has been devoted to establishing rapport and understanding the client's situation, then it is critical to focus session time on the creation of such an objective.

The next time one of your colleagues complains to you about a particularly difficult client who does not want to change, ask them, "What is the goal?" If they begin stuttering or go into a vague, rambling explanation, you will know that a mutually agreed-upon goal has not been established. Then inquire, "If your client was asked what the goal is, would the client's response agree with what you just stated?" It is mind-boggling how many times this essential therapeutic component is not properly formulated.

Such goals do not have to be complex. For example, a simple goal may be for the client to spend at least 15 minutes each day in a discussion with their partner about their day before any other activities are begun. Another could be for the client to plan one night a week where they do an activity together with their partner. Such goals could be smaller components of an overall objective to increase communication and connection in the relationship.

The Who, Where, and When of it All

We are not helpful to our clients until we have reached a point where problems can be defined around a specific person, place, and time. David Burns, author of Feeling Good, taught me this concept and I have yet to prove it wrong. Sometimes the person, place, and time are obvious—e.g. a spouse at home, when the children need disciplining; or a boss, previously dealt with at work, in the past. Or maybe the problem is the client's traumatic experience at an earlier age with a family member. Sometimes it is the client and you, dealing with the conflict, at the present moment in the session!

Regardless of the case specifics, the person, place, and time components are present in solvable problems. Being clear on the person, place, and time of your client's problem brings clarity to the process and avoids ambiguity that hinders progress. For example, a client who enters therapy with a goal to "not be nervous" has yet to reach a point in problem clarity where help can be provided. The brief therapists would say that this problem has not been defined in manner that makes it solvable. As a result of the therapeutic discussion, such a vaguely defined problem would be transformed into a more specific goal such as to be "calm, relaxed, and assertive when discussing needed changes in the department with the boss." With this level of specificity, the definitive steps can be taken toward resolution. Skilled therapists most often move the discussion to a level of specificity almost without conscious awareness. However, clarity in understanding the essential elements of solvable problems can enhance the process. It is also quite helpful for beginning therapists who have difficulty figuring out exactly what they are trying to do.

When the Solutions are Terrifying

We all know the familiar axiom that our clients have the solution to their problem inside, and that it's our job to help them find it. What experienced therapists know is that “one of the main reasons clients come to therapy is not because they don't know the solution to their problem, but because they find the solutions terrifying.” From this perspective, one of the therapist's primary jobs is to normalize the fears surrounding the solution and support the client's courage to move forward in the midst of the perceived impending terror. In cases where fear of the solution is great, focusing too strongly on the solution may increase fear. In such instances, focus on dealing with the fear that accompanies the solution before moving the focus forward toward actions to be taken.

For example, I once counseled a woman who repeatedly discussed how much she hated her husband and how badly she wanted a divorce, but she was not proceeding with the divorce. As we addressed the issues further, we discovered she was filled with fear about the divorce—fear because she and her children were financially dependent on her husband, fear because she felt she had no marketable job skills, fear because returning to school for training was costly and scary. At this point the counseling session changed from focusing on whether she should divorce to the more pressing issue—addressing the fear that accompanied the divorce.

The Columbo Technique

An interesting paradox occurs with highly resistant clients. The greater the resistance, the more likely it is that they are refusing to consider any of a host of possible solutions. Typically, as we become aware of the myriad possible solutions to a client's problems, we become more certain that our knowledge can help them. As a result of such certainty, we begin talking more and more as an expert regarding the problem at hand.

But here's the catch: The more of an expert you become, the more you give the client something definitive to resist against and the less psychological freedom clients have to explore possibilities on their own. “Thus, being too knowledgeable about obvious solutions may actually create resistance.” A sure sign that you have become too much of an expert is getting, "Yes, but …" answers.

The way out of this situation is to reverse the paradox. The more obvious possible solutions become, the more naïve, inexperienced and uncertain your displayed attitude toward these solutions should be. The principle at work here is that your client cannot be resistant if there is nothing to resist. My students have dubbed this approach the Columbo technique because it is similar to the approach taken by fumbling television detective Columbo as he hoodwinked his suspects into revealing key information necessary to solving murders. “Columbo apprehended his suspect by constantly appearing to not understand the basic components surrounding the murder and by asking questions that forced the suspect to clarify his or her actions.” Although Columbo always appeared to be two steps behind the murderer, in reality he was two steps ahead.

A therapist I know explained to me that he used to get sucked into lecturing, argumentative discussions with alcoholic clients that expounded to them the many reasons not to drink. After reading my book, he says that he now avoids such vain, pointless conversations. Recently, in a first session with an alcoholic client, he inquired as to the client's reasons for drinking. Expecting a flood of reasons not to drink as a response, the client proceeded to build a case for drinking in which he explained how drinking help him to relax, deal with stress, manage his chronic pain, etc. After hearing the strong case for drinking, the therapists stated that he had no knowledge of any pill or therapeutic discussion that could substitute for the benefits received from continuing to drink. Almost immediately the client began to state something to the effect, "But, you don't understand, I have a fifty-dollar-a-week alcohol bill that I can't afford, my wife is threatening to leave me, my kids don't respect me, and I really don't like myself for drinking." In this instance, in order not to provide something to resist against and avoid the typical "Yes, but…" response, this therapist selectively became uncertain and naïve as to any solutions to the drinking problem.

By becoming naïve to the obvious, he quickly received from the client motivations to stop drinking, and the discussion proceeded from there. My therapist friend explained to me that, in similar situations in the past, he would have immediately provided information and knowledge for the client to resist against. However, he has since become much wiser and goes to great lengths to avoid providing a position for his resistant clients to oppose.

Is Rogers Still Right?

Many experienced therapists become lax in consistently showing empathy throughout their sessions. When we conduct sessions excessively loaded with questions without a foundation of understanding, our clients lose the feeling of psychological support necessary for them to proceed safely. An essential component to breaking through resistance is maintaining a foundation of understanding through a dialogue that engages the client's experience with empathic comments.

An equally important reason to consistently use empathic statements is to get clients in touch with the emotional energy they need in order to initiate change. “People rarely change because of the logic of the situation; people change when they have an emotionally compelling reason.” Yet, because emotions are often linked to uncomfortable feelings, clients have blocked awareness of or are in denial of their own emotions. Empathy is the tool that fosters the emergence of emotionally compelling reasons for change, and thus it ignites and fans the fires of change.

For example, I have often dealt with people who desire to quit smoking. One of the things I have learned is that people very rarely quit smoking because of the possibility for cancer, emphysema, heart attacks, bad breath, high costs, etc. People do quit when these issues directly affect them as a result of a medical checkup or in some other manner. I once worked with a man who wanted to quit smoking, where I initially struggled to get to the underlying emotional reason behind this life change. He appeared reluctant to offer up or get in touch with the real reason for breaking the habit. However, through continuing to respond in an empathic manner and to pull to the forefront all of the emotions I was sensing, I struck gold when I indicated that I sensed he was a very responsible person who cared for children. From this revelation, the underlying force for his habit change emerged in the conversation: His wife was pregnant! He was going to be a father! Now, he had an emotionally compelling reason to change. Therapists seeking to mine the compelling reasons for change should consistently use empathic statements that include specific reference to the emotions present. This is the most efficient avenue to discovering the emotionally compelling reasons that fuel the desire to change.

Baby Steps are No Joke

A considerable amount of resistance comes from poor timing. If you find that you are offering explanations before the client is ready to accept them, confronting the client too soon or moving too fast, then slow your pace, back up, and take smaller steps. Therapy is clearly one area of life where it pays to slow down to go faster. In fact, taking small steps is often a central part of effective therapy, including brief therapy.

In order to not rush your client, I suggest you constantly ask yourself, "What could I say that might move my client the smallest step possible toward where they need to be to resolve their problem?" This approach solves two problems for the therapist. First, it does not push the client and thereby create resistance. In fact, “if you slow down to the point that you are behind your client, then you can actually have the client pulling you along toward their solution.” Second, this approach takes an enormous amount of pressure off of you. The task at hand becomes manageable, and you will find that you are more able to remain balanced in sessions. Learning and practicing this skill can be an enormous stress reducer for therapists.

For example, to ask a person in denial over the loss of a loved one to fully accept the loss may be too threatening or inconceivable to them. This is simply too big of a step to take at the moment. To ask the same client to come up with ways to honor their loved one in his or her absence will likely appear much more palatable. In this way, perhaps some of the underlying emotions related to loss, meaning, closure, guilt, etc. can begin to be addressed. By suggesting smaller, more acceptable steps in moving through the grieving process, the therapist circumvents the resistance that the client would have experienced as a result of moving too fast toward closure.

Recognizing When Resistance Has the Upper Hand

Significant client resistance leaves psychotherapists feeling insecure, incompetent, frustrated, hopeless, stressed, and burnt out. When these feelings are indirectly communicated to clients, more resistance occurs and a negative spiral develops. Less-experienced burnt-out therapists are most vulnerable to the negative effects of resistance. One of the keys to dealing with resistance is to recognize that resistance is not personal. Resistance is a fact of therapy.

Watch for signs that resistance has gotten the better of you:

  • You feel like you are fighting or arguing with your client. Many times you may have felt like you were trying to convince your client of something and were not making headway.
  • You feel stressed and drained in an unhealthy manner after a session.
  • You are working harder in your session than your client is. If, after finishing your sessions, you have more work to do than your client, then you should take a close look at what you are doing. Something is likely amiss.
  • You are feeling burnt out with your work.

Typically, resistance conjures up ideas of stubbornness, obstinacy, and defiance. Beware! Once you place these labels on your client, you are generally just as stuck as your client. To avoid getting stuck, you may want to consider other perspectives on resistance.

Some possible dynamics of resistance

  • Resistance may be a reflection of the developmental level of your client.
  • Resistance may be a signal that the client is dealing with a very important issue that has multiple conflicts.
  • Resistance may be a result of the way the therapist and the client interact. Consequently, changing your interaction style will change the resistance.

(See Something Besides Stubbornness below for other reasons a client might be resistant.)

The Plus Side of Client Resistance

To fully understand resistance, the many positive benefits of resistance need to be examined. Resistance has a purpose; otherwise, it would not exist. When we understand the many benefits of resistance, we begin to realize that it is just as essential to mental health as it is a problem in therapy. The following purposes and benefits of resistance are compiled from the writings of Anderson and Steward.3

  • Without resistance, all social systems would dissolve into chaos and confusion, changing with every new idea presented.
  • Resistance is what prevents us from buying every product presented to us in commercials and infomercials.
  • Without a certain amount of resistance, we would have no stability, predictability, security, or comfort.
  • Resistance provides us with a sense of being right. Can there be a sense of right and wrong without an awareness of the opposition of one position against another, or without a resistance to certain positions?
  • Resistance can be a sign of good mental health and judgment; people often want new alternatives to problems before giving up old ways.
  • Understanding resistance—including its possible positive purposes—and knowing effective means for dealing with resistance is not merely intellectual enrichment. This knowledge can reduce therapist stress and burnout.
  • Resistance in therapy is a natural, necessary part of every client's problem. It is neither good nor bad, and the effective therapist neither abandons, rescues, nor attacks clients because of their resistance.
  • Resistance is the problem at hand. Many clients are ambivalent about change, and the decisions they make are typically not clear-cut—that's why they have come to therapy.
  • People resist difficult change because of the underlying conflicts. The therapist's job is to provide an environment where internal conflicts can be addressed.

When we have a plan for dealing with resistance before we encounter it in therapy, we won't get trapped in a futile battle with our clients. Instead, we will be able to remain objective and have a clear perspective about what is occurring. Hopefully some of the techniques for responding to resistance that I've suggested here will help you with resistant clients and keep yourself grounded in the process.

And if you find yourself feeling discouraged by resistant clients, think about this: Which is more troubling: a client who does everything you suggest, or one who takes time to assimilate and adjust to new ideas? Or if that idea doesn't buoy your spirits, then consider the following: "Without resistance, we would all be out of a job."4

Resistance: Something Besides Stubbornness?

Have you considered any of the following reasons clients might be resistant to therapy? Resistance could be a sign of:

Fear of failure. Client does not know how to be a client and has a high need for success or perfectionism and thus resists as a result of the fear of failure.

Fear of taking risks. Client sees counseling as a highly risky behavior and client is actually very conservative in his or her life approach.

Manipulation. The client enjoys manipulating others and, by not "moving" or responding therapeutically, they experience power in recognizing that they can manipulate the therapist.

Passive-aggressive behavior. Client is angry with the therapist or some other adult/authority that the therapist represents (transference). The resistance could be a reaction to authority figures in general.

Shame. The client may have feelings of shame because he or she has not been able to resolve the issues or because of the social implications of the issues.

Jealousy or desire to sabotage the therapy relationship. "If I get better, then I will not be able to come to these sessions and get all of this attention and maintain my relationship with my therapist." In this instance, an unhealthy dependence has developed between the client and therapist.

Exhaustion. Resistance could be an indication that the client is psychologically drained and does not have the energy to take on the tasks that will lead to change. Here, the therapist needs to back off and allow for replenishing of energy. Take a therapeutic break.

A personality style. Many people instinctively respond to change with resistance.

A client who enjoys resisting. Some people simply enjoy the battle of resisting, the stimulation of arguing, and controversy long beyond the initial reaction to change. These people often switch positions if they find others agreeing with them to keep the stimulation going (Kottler, 1994).

References

1Bischoff, M. M., & Tracey, T. J. G. (1995). Client resistance as predicted by therapist behavior: A study of sequential dependence. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 42(4), 487-495.

2Otani, A. (1989). Resistance management techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D.: An application to nonhypnotic mental health counseling. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 11(4), 325-334.

3Anderson, C. M., & Stewart, S. (1983). Mastering resistance: A practical guide to family therapy. New York: The Guilford Press.

4Pipes, R. B., & Davenport, D. S. (1990). Introduction to psychotherapy: Common Clinical wisdom. New Jersey: Prentice Hall.

Supershrinks: What is the secret of their success?

Clients of the best therapists improve at a rate at least 50 percent higher and drop out at a rate at least 50 percent lower than those of average clinicians. What is the key to superior performance? Are "supershrinks" made or born? Is it a matter of temperament or training? Have they discovered a secret unknown to other clinicians or are their superior results simply a fluke, more measurement error than reality? We know that who provides the therapy is a much more important determinant of success than what treatment approach is provided. The age, gender, and diagnosis of the client have no impact on the treatment success rate, nor do the experience, training, and theoretical orientation of the therapist. In attempting to answer these questions, Miller, Hubble and Duncan, have found that the best of the best simply work harder at improving their performance than others and attentiveness to feedback is crucial. When a measure of the alliance is used with a standardized outcome scale, available evidence shows clients are less likely to deteriorate, more likely to stay longer, and twice as likely to achieve a change of clinical significance.

The boisea trivittatus, better known as the box elder bug, emerges from the recesses of homes and dwellings in early spring. While feared neither for its bite nor sting, most people consider the tiny insect a pest. The critter comes out by the thousands, resting in the sun and staining upholstery and draperies with its orange-colored wastes. Few find it endearing, with the exception perhaps of entomologists. It doesn't purr and won't fetch the morning paper. What is more, you will be sorry if you step on it. When crushed, the diminutive creature emits a putrid odor worthy of an animal many times its size.

For as long as anyone could remember, boisea trivittatus was an unwelcome yet familiar guest in the offices and waiting area of a large Midwestern, multicounty community mental health center. Professional exterminators did their best to keep the bugs at bay, but inevitably many eluded the efforts to eliminate them. Tissues were placed strategically throughout the center for staff and clients to dispatch the escapees. In time, the arrangement became routine. Out of necessity, everyone tolerated the annual annoyance—with one notable exception.

Dawn, a 12-year veteran of the center, led the resistance to what she considered "insecticide." In a world turned against the bugs, she was their only ally. To save the tiny beasts, she collected and distributed old mason jars, imploring others to catch the little critters so that she could release them safely outdoors.

Few were surprised by Dawn's regard for the bugs. Most people who knew her would have characterized her as a holdout from the "Summer of Love." Her VW microbus, floor-length tie-dyed skirts, and Birkenstock sandals—combined with the scent of patchouli and sandalwood that lingered after her passage—solidified everyone's impression that she was a fugitive of Haight-Ashbury. Rumor had it that she'd been conceived at Esalen.

Despite these eccentricities, Dawn was hands-down the most effective therapist at the agency. This finding was established through a tightly controlled, research-to-practice study conducted at her agency. As part of this study of success rates in actual clinical settings, Dawn and her colleagues administered a standardized measure of progress to each client at every session.

What made her performance all the more compelling was that Dawn was the top performer seven years running. Moreover, factors widely believed to affect treatment outcome—the client's age, gender, diagnosis, level of functional impairment, or prior treatment history—did not affect her results. Other factors not correlated with her outcomes were her age, gender, training, professional discipline, licensure, or years of experience. Even her theoretical orientation proved inconsequential.

Contrast Dawn with Gordon, who could not have been more different. Rigidly conservative and brimming with confidence bordering on arrogance, Gordon managed to build a thriving private practice in an area where most practitioners were struggling to stay afloat financially. Many in the professional community sought to emulate his success. In the hopes of learning his secrets or earning his acknowledgment, they competed hard to become part of his inner circle.

Whispered conversations at parties and local professional meetings made clear that others regarded Gordon with envy and enmity. "Profits talk, patients walk," was one comment that captured the general feeling about him. And the critics could not have been more wrong. The people Gordon saw in his practice regarded him as caring and deeply committed to their welfare. Furthermore, he achieved outcomes that were far superior to those of the clinicians who carped about him. In fact, the same measures that confirmed Dawn's superior results placed Gordon in the top 25 percent of psychotherapists studied in the United States.

In 1974, researcher D. F. Ricks coined the term supershrink to describe a class of exceptional therapists—practitioners who stood head and shoulders above the rest. His study examined the long-term outcomes of "highly disturbed" adolescents. When the research participants were later examined as adults, he found that a select group, treated by one particular provider, fared notably better. In the same study, boys treated by the pseudoshrink demonstrated alarmingly poor adjustment as adults.

The fact that therapists differ in their ability to effect change is hardly a revelation. All of us have participated in hushed conversations about colleagues whose performance we feel falls short of the mark. We also recognize that some practitioners are a cut above the rest. With rare exceptions, whenever they take aim, they hit the bull's-eye. Nevertheless, since Ricks's first description, little has been done to further the investigation of super- and pseudoshrinks. Instead, professional time, energy, and resources have been directed exclusively toward identifying effective therapies. Trying to identify specific interventions that could be dispensed reliably for specific problems has a strong common-sense appeal. No one would argue with the success of the idea of problem-specific interventions in the field of medicine. But the evidence is incontrovertible. “Who provides the therapy is a much more important determinant of success than what treatment approach is provided.”

Consider a recent study conducted by Bruce Wampold and Jeb Brown in 2006 and published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Briefly, the study included 581 licensed providers, including psychologists, psychiatrists, and master's-level providers, who were treating a diverse sample of over 6,000 clients. The therapists, the clientele, and the presenting complaints were not different in any meaningful way from clinical settings nationwide. As was the case with Dawn and Gordon, the clients' age, gender, and diagnosis had no impact on the treatment success rate and neither did the experience, training, or theoretical orientation of the therapists. However, clients of the best therapists in the sample improved at a rate at least 50 percent higher and dropped out at a rate at least 50 percent lower than those assigned to the average clinicians in the sample.

Another important finding emerged: in those cases in which psychotropic medication was combined with psychotherapy, the drugs did not perform consistently. As with talk therapy, effectiveness depended on who prescribed the drug. People seen by top providers achieved gains from the drugs 10 times greater than those seen by the less effective practitioners. Among the latter group, the drugs virtually made no difference. So, in the chemistry of mental health treatment, orientations, techniques, and even medications are inert. The clinician is the catalyst.

The making of a Supershrink

For the past eight years the Institute for the Study of Therapeutic Change (ISTC), an international group of researchers and clinicians dedicated to studying what works in psychotherapy, has been tracking the outcomes of thousands of therapists treating tens of thousands of clients in myriad clinical settings across the United States and abroad. Like D. F. Ricks and other researchers, we found wide variations in effectiveness among practicing clinicians. Intrigued, we decided to try to determine why.

We began our investigation by looking at the research literature. The Institute has earned its reputation in part by reviewing research and publishing summaries and critical analyses on its website (www.talkingcure.com). We were well aware at the outset that little had been done since D. F. Rick's original paper to deepen the understanding of super- and pseudoshrinks. Nevertheless, a massive amount of research had been conducted on what in general makes therapists and therapy effective. When we attempted to determine the characteristics of the most effective practitioners using our national database, with the hypothesis that therapists like Dawn and Gordon must simply do or embody more of "it," we smacked head-first into a brick wall. Neither the person of the therapist, nor technical prowess, separated the best from the rest.

Frustrated, but undeterred, we retraced our steps. Maybe we had missed something, a critical study, a nuance, a finding that would steer us in the right direction. We returned to our own database to take a second look, reviewing the numbers and checking the analyses. We asked consultants outside the Institute to verify our computations. We invited others to brainstorm possible explanations. Opinions varied from many of the factors we had already considered and ruled out to "it's all a matter of chance, noise in the system, more statistical artifact than fact." Put another way, supershrinks were not real and their emergence in any data analysis was entirely random. In the end, there was nothing we could point to that explained why some clinicians achieved consistently superior results. Seeing no solution, we gave up and turned our attention elsewhere.

The project would have remained shelved indefinitely had one of us not stumbled on the work of Swedish psychologist K. Anders Ericsson. Nearly two years had passed since we had given up. Then Scott, returning to the U.S. after providing a week of training in Norway, stumbled on an article published in Fortune magazine. Weary from the road and frankly bored, he had taken the periodical from the passing flight attendant more for the glossy pictures and factoids than for intellectual stimulation. In short order, however, the magazine title seized his attention—in big bold letters, "What it takes to be great." The subtitle cinched it, "Research now shows that the lack of natural talent is irrelevant to great success." Although the lead article itself was a mere four pages in length, the content kept him occupied for the remaining eight hours of the flight.

Ericsson, Scott learned, was considered to be "the expert on experts." For the better part of two decades, he had studied the world's best athletes, authors, chess players, dart throwers, mathematicians, pianists, teachers, pilots, physicians, and others. He was also a bit of a maverick. In a world prone to attribute greatness to genetic endowment, Ericsson did not mince words, "The search for stable heritable characteristics that could predict or at least account for superior performance of eminent individuals [in sports, chess, music, medicine, etc.] has been surprisingly unsuccessful . . . Systematic laboratory research . . . provides no evidence for giftedness or innate talent."

Should Ericsson's bold and sweeping claims prove difficult to believe, take the example of Michael Jordan, regarded widely as the greatest basketball player of all time. When asked, most would cite natural advantages in height, reach, and leap as key to his success. Notwithstanding, few know that "His Airness" was cut from his high school varsity basketball team! So much for the idea of being born great. It simply does not work that way.

“The key to superior performance? As absurd as it sounds, the best of the best simply work harder at improving their performance than others.” Jordan, for example, did not give up when thrown off the team. Instead, his failure drove him to the courts, where he practiced hour after hour. As he put it, "Whenever I was working out and got tired and figured I ought to stop, I'd close my eyes and see that list in the locker room without my name on it, and that usually got me going again."

“As time consuming as this level of practice sounds—and it is—it isn't enough. According to Ericsson, to reach the top level, attentiveness to feedback is crucial.”

Such deliberate practice, as Ericsson goes to great lengths to point out, isn't the same as the number of hours spent on the job, but rather the amount of time devoted specifically to reaching for objectives "just beyond one's level of proficiency." He chides anyone who believes that experience creates expertise, saying, "Just because you've been walking for 50 years doesn't mean you're getting better at it." Of interest, he and his group have found that elite performers across many different domains engage in the same amount of such practice, on average, every day, including weekends. In a study of 20-year-old musicians, for example, Ericsson and colleagues found that the top violinists spent twice  as much time (10,000 hours on average) working to meet specific performance targets as the next best players and 10 times as much time as the average musician.

“As time consuming as this level of practice sounds—and it is—it is not enough. According to Ericsson, to reach the top level, attentiveness to feedback is crucial.” Studies of physicians with an uncanny ability to diagnose baffling medical problems, for example, prove that they act differently than their less capable, but equally well-trained, colleagues. In addition to visiting, examining, taking careful notes, and reflecting on their assessment of a particular patient, they take one additional critical step. They follow up. Unlike their "proficient" peers, they do not settle. Call it professional compulsiveness or pride, these physicians need to know whether they were right, even though finding out is not required nor reimbursable. "This extra step," Ericsson says, gives the superdiagnostician"a significant advantage over his peers. It lets him better understand how and when he's improving."

Within days of touching down, Scott had shared Ericsson's findings with Mark and Barry. An intellectual frenzy followed. Articles were pulled, secondary references tracked down, and Ericsson's 918-page Cambridge Handbook of Expertise and Expert Performance purchased and read cover to cover. In the process, our earlier confusion gave way to understanding. With considerable chagrin, we realized that what therapists per se do is irrelevant to greatness. The path to excellence would never be found by limiting our explorations to the world of psychotherapy, with its attendant theories, tools, and techniques. Instead, we needed to redirect our attention to superior performance, regardless of calling or career.

Knowing what you don't know

Ericsson's work on practice and feedback also explained the studies that show how most of us grow continually in confidence over the course of our careers, despite little or no improvement in our actual rates of success. Hard to believe but true. On this score, the experience of psychologist Paul Clement is telling. Throughout his years of practice, he kept unusually thorough records of his work with clients, detailing hundreds of cases falling into 84 different diagnostic categories. "I had expected to find," he said in a quantitative analysis published in the peer-reviewed journal Professional Psychology, "that I had gotten better and better over the years . . . but my data failed to suggest any . . . change in my therapeutic effectiveness across the 26 years in question."

Contrary to conventional wisdom, the culprit behind such mistaken self-assessment is not incompetence, but rather proficiency. Within weeks and months of first starting out, noticeable mistakes in everyday professional activities become increasingly rare, and thereby make intentional modifications seem irrelevant, increasingly difficult, and costly in time and resources. Once more, this is human nature, a process that dogs every profession. Add to this the custom in our profession of conflating success with a particular method or technique, and the door to greatness for many therapists is slammed shut early on.

During the last few decades, for example, more than 10,000 "how-to" books on psychotherapy have been published. At the same time, the number of treatment approaches has mushroomed, going from around 60 in the early days to more than 400 psychological treatment models today. At present, there are 145 officially approved, manualized, evidence-based treatments for 51 of the 397 possible DSM diagnostic groups. Based on these numbers alone, one would be hard pressed to not believe that real progress has been made by the field. More than ever before, we know what works for whom. Or do we?

Comparing the success rates of today with those of 10, 20, or 30 years ago is one way to find out. One would expect that the profession is progressing in a manner comparable to the Olympics. Fans know that during the last century, the best performance for every event has improved—in some cases, by as much as 50 percent. What is more, excellence at the top has had a trickle-down effect, improving performance at every level. For example, the fastest time clocked for the marathon in the 1896 Olympics was just one minute faster than the time that is required now just to participate in the most competitive marathons like Boston and Chicago. By contrast, no measurable improvement in the effectiveness of psychotherapy has occurred in the last 30 years.

The time has come to confront the unpleasant truth: our tried-and-true strategies for improving what we do have failed. Instead of advancing as a field, we have stagnated, mistaking our feverish peddling on a stationary bicycle for progress in the Tour de Therapy. This is not to say that therapy is ineffective. Quite to the contrary, the data are clear and unequivocal: psychotherapy works. Studies conducted over the last three decades show effects equal to or greater than those achieved by a host of well-accepted medical procedures, such as coronary artery bypass surgery, the pharmacological treatment of arthritis, and AZT for AIDS. At issue, however, is how we can learn from our experiences and "improve" our rate of success, both as a discipline and in our individual practices.

Incidentally, psychotherapists are not alone in this struggle to increase our expertise. During our survey of the literature on greatness, we came across an engaging and provocative article published in the New Yorker magazine. Using the treatment of cystic fibrosis (CF) as an example, science writer Atul Gawande showed how the same processes that undermine excellence in psychotherapy play out in medicine. Since 1964, medical researchers have been tracking the outcomes of patients with CF, a genetic disease striking 1,000 children yearly. The disease is progressive and, over time, mucus fills, hardens, and eventually destroys the lungs.

As is the case with psychotherapy, the evidence indicates that standard CF treatment works. With medical intervention, life expectancy is on average 33 years; without care, few patients survive infancy. The real story, as Gawande points out, is not that patients with CF live longer when treated, but that, as with psychotherapy, there is a significant variation in treatment success rates. At the best treatment centers, survival rates are 50 percent higher than the national average, meaning that patients live to be 47 on average.

Such differences, however, have not been achieved through standardization of care and the top-down imposition of the "best" practices. Indeed, Cincinnati Children's Hospital (CCH), one of the nation's most respected treatment centers—which employs two of the physicians responsible for preparing the national CF treatment guidelines—produced only average to poor outcomes. In fact, on one of the most critical measures, lung functioning, this institution scored in the bottom 25 percent.

It is a small comfort to know that our counterparts in medicine, a field celebrated routinely for its scientific rigor, stumble and fall just as much as we "soft-headed" psychotherapists do in the pursuit of excellence. But Gawande's article, available for free at the Institute for Healthcare Improvement website (www.ihi.org), provides so much more than an opportunity to commiserate. His piece confirms what our own research revealed to be the essential first step in improving outcomes: knowing your baseline performance. It just stands to reason. If you call a friend for directions, her first question will be, "Where are you?" The same is true of RandMcNally, Yahoo! and every other online mapping service. To get where you want to go, you first have to know where you are—a fact the clinical staff at CCH put to good use.

In truth, most practicing psychotherapists have no hard data on their success rates with clients. Fewer still have any idea how their outcomes compare to those of other clinicians or to national norms. Unlike therapists, though, the staff at CCH not only determined their overall rate of effectiveness, they were able to compare their success rates with other major CF treatment centers across the country. With such information in hand, the medical staff acted to push beyond their current standard of reliable performance. In time, their outcomes improved markedly.

A formula for success

Turning to specifics, the truth is we have yet to discover how supershrinks like Dawn and Gordon ascertain their baseline. Our experience leads us to believe that they do not know either. What is clear is that their appraisal, intuitive though it may be, is more accurate than that of average practitioners. It is likely, and our analysis thus far confirms, that the methods they employ will prove to be highly variable, defying any simple attempt at classification. Despite such differences in approach, the supershrinks without exception possess a keen "situational awareness": they are observant, alert and attentive. They constantly compare new information with what they already know.

For the rest of us mere mortals, a shortcut to supershrinkdom exists. It entails using simple paper and pencil scales and some basic statistics to compute your baseline, a process we discuss in detail in what follows. In the end, you may not become the Frank Sinatra, Tiger Woods, or Melissa Etheridge of the therapy world, but you will be able to sing, swing and strum along with the best.

“The prospect of knowing one's true rate of success can provoke anxiety even in the best of us. For all that, studies of working clinicians provide little reason for concern.” To illustrate, the outcomes reported in a recent study of 6,000 practitioners and 48,000 clients were as good as or better than those typically reported in tightly controlled studies. These findings are especially notable because clinicians, unlike researchers, do not have the luxury of handpicking the clients they treat. Most clinicians do good work most of the time, and do so while working with complex, difficult cases.

At the same time, you should not be surprised or disheartened when your results prove to be average. As with height, weight, and intelligence, success rates of therapists are normally distributed, resembling the all-too-familiar bell curve. It is a fact, in nearly all facets of life, most of us are clustered tightly around the mean. As the research by Hiatt and Hargrave shows, a more serious problem is when therapists do not know how they are performing or, worse, think they know their effectiveness without outside confirmation.

Unfortunately, our own work with regard to tracking the outcomes of thousands of therapists working in diverse clinical settings has exposed a consistent and alarming pattern: those who are the slowest to adopt a valid and reliable procedure to establish their baseline performance typically have the poorest outcomes of the lot.

Should any doubt remain with regard to the value and importance of determining one's overall rate of success, let us underscore that the mere act of measuring yields improved outcomes. In fact, it is the first and among the most potent forms of feedback available to clinicians seeking excellence. Several recent studies, demonstrate convincingly that monitoring client progress on an ongoing basis improves effectiveness dramatically. Our own study published last year in the Journal of Brief Therapy found that providing therapists with real time feedback improved outcome nearly 65 percent. No downside exists to determining your baseline effectiveness. One either is proven effective or becomes more effective in the process.

There is more good news on this score. Share your baseline—good, bad, or average—with clients and the results are even more dramatic. Dropouts, the single greatest threat to therapeutic success, are cut in half. At the same time, outcomes improve yet again, in particular among those at greatest risk for treatment failure. Cincinnati Children's Hospital provides a case in point. Although surprised and understandably embarrassed about their overall poor national ranking, the medical staff nonetheless resolved to share the results with the patients and families. Contrary to what might have been predicted, not a single family chose to leave the program.

That everyone decided to remain committed rather than bolt should really come as no surprise. Across all types of relationships—business, family and friendship, medicine—success depends less on a connection during the good times than on maintaining engagement through the inevitable hard times. The fact the CCH staff shared the information about their poor performance increased the connection their patients felt with them and enhanced their engagement. It is no different in psychotherapy. Where we as therapists have the most impact on securing and sustaining engagement is through the relationship with our clients, what is commonly referred to as the "alliance." When it works well, client and therapist reach and maintain agreement about where they are going and the means by which they will get there. Equally important is the strength of the emotional connection—the bond.

Supershrinks, as our own research shows, are exquisitely attuned to the vicissitudes of client engagement. In what amounts to a quantum difference between themselves and average therapists, they are more likely to ask for and receive negative feedback about the quality of the work and their contribution to the alliance. We have now confirmed this finding in numerous independent samples of practitioners working in diverse settings with a wide range of presenting problems. The best clinicians, those falling in the top 25 percent of treatment outcomes, consistently achieve lower scores on standardized alliance measures at the outset of therapy, enabling them to address potential problems in the working relationship. By contrast, median therapists commonly receive negative feedback later in treatment, at a time when clients have already disengaged and are at heightened risk for dropping out.

How do the supershrinks use feedback with regard to the alliance to maintain engagement? A session conducted by Dawn, rescuer of the box elder bugs, is representative of the work done by the field's most effective practitioners. At the time of the visit, we were working as consultants to her agency, teaching the staff to use the standardized outcome and alliance scales, and observing selected clinical interviews from behind a one-way mirror. She had been meeting with an elderly man for the better part of an hour. Although the session initially had lurched along, an easy give and take soon developed between the two. Everyone watching agreed that, overall, the session had gone remarkably well.

At this point, Dawn gave the alliance measure to the client, saying "This is the scale I told you about at the beginning of our visit. It's something new we're doing here. It's a way for me to check in, to get your feedback or input about what we did here today."

Without comment, the man took the form, and after quickly completing it, handed it back to Dawn.

"Ohm wow," she remarked, after rapidly scoring the measure, "you've given me, or the session at least, the highest marks possible."

With that, everyone behind the one-way mirror began to stir in their chairs. Each of us was expecting Dawn to wrap up the session—even, it appeared, the client who was inching forward on his chair. Instead, she leaned toward him.

"I'm glad you came today," she said.

"It was a good idea," he responded, "um, my, uh, doctor told me to come, in, and . . . I did, and, um . . . it's been a nice visit."

"So, will you be coming back?"

Without missing a beat, the man replied, "You know, I'm going to be all right. A person doesn't get over a thing like this overnight. It's going to take me a while. But don't you worry."

Behind the mirror, we and the staff were surprised again. The session had gone well. He had been engaged. A follow-up appointment had been made. Now we heard ambivalence in his voice.

For her part, Dawn was not about to let him off the hook. "I'm hoping you will come back."

"You know, I miss her terribly," he said, "it's awfully lonely at night. But, I'll be all right. As I said, don't worry about me."

"I appreciate that, appreciate what you just said, but actually what I worry about is that I missed something. Come to think about it, if we were to change places, if I were in your shoes, I'd be wondering, 'What really can she know or understand about this, and more, what can she possibly do?'"

A long silence followed. Eventually, the man looked up, and with tears in his eyes, caught her gaze.

Softly, Dawn continued, "I'd like you to come back. I'm not sure what this might mean to you right now, but you don't have to do this alone."

Nodding affirmatively, the man stood, took Dawn's hand, and gave it a squeeze. "See you, then."

Several sessions followed. During that period his scores on the standardized outcome measure improved considerably. At the time, the team was impressed with Dawn. Her sensitivity and persistence paid off, keeping the elderly man engaged, and preventing his dropping out. The real import of her actions, however, did not occur to any of us until much later.

All therapists experience similar incisive moments in their work with clients; times when they are acutely insightful, discerning, even wise. However, such experiences are actually of little consequence in separating the good from the great. Instead, superior performance is found in the margins—the small but consistent difference in the number of times corrective feedback is sought, successfully obtained, and then acted on.

Most therapists, when asked, report that they check in routinely with their clients and know when to do so. But our own research found this to be far from the case. In early 1998, we initiated a study to investigate the impact on treatment outcome of seeking client feedback. Several formats were included. In one, therapists were supposed to seek informal client input on their own. In another, standardized, client-completed outcome and alliance measures were administered and the results shared with fellow therapists. Treatment-as-usual served as a third, control group.

Initial results of the study pointed to an advantage for the feedback conditions. Ultimately, however, the entire project had to be scrapped as a review of the videotapes showed that the therapists in the informal group failed routinely to ask clients for their input—even though, when later queried, the clinicians maintained they had sought feedback.

For their part, supershrinks consistently seek client feedback about how the client feels about them and their work together; they don't just say they do. Dawn perhaps said it best: "I always ask. Ninety-nine per cent of the time, it doesn't go anywhere—at least at the moment. Sometimes I'll get a call, but rarely. More likely, I'll call, and every so often my nosiness uncovers something, some, I don't know quite how to say it, some barrier or break, something in the way of our working together." Such persistence in the face of infrequent payoff is a defining characteristic of those destined for greatness.

Whereas birds can fly, the rest of us need an airplane. When a simple measure of the alliance is used in conjunction with a standardized outcome scale, available evidence shows clients are less likely to deteriorate, more likely to stay longer, and twice as likely to achieve a change of clinical significance. What is more, when applied on an agency-wide basis, tracking client progress and experience of the therapeutic relationship has an effect similar to the one noted earlier in the Olympics: across the board, performance improves; everyone gets better. As John F. Kennedy was fond of saying, "A rising tide lifts all boats."

While it is true that the tide raises everyone, we have observed that supershrinks continue to beat others out of the dock. Two factors account for this. As noted earlier, superior performers engage in significantly more deliberate practice. That is, as Ericsson, the expert on experts says, "effortful activity designed to improve individual target performance." Specific methods of deliberate practice have been developed and employed in the training of pilots, surgeons, and others in highly demanding occupations. Our most recent work has focused on adapting these procedures for use in psychotherapy.

In practical terms, the process involves three steps: think, act, and, finally, reflect. This approach can be remembered by the acronym, T.A.R. To prepare for moving beyond the realm of reliable performance, the best of the best engage in forethought. This means they set specific goals and identify the particular ways they will use to reach their goals. It is important to note that superior performance depends on simultaneously attending to both the ends and the means.

To illustrate, suppose a therapist wanted to improve the engagement level of clients mandated into treatment for substance abuse. First, they would need to define in measurable terms how they would know, what they would see, that would tell them the client is engaged actively in the treatment (e.g., attendance, dialog, eye contact, posture, etc.). Following this, the therapist would develop a step-by-step plan to achieve the specific objectives. Because therapies that focus on client goals result in greater participation, the therapist might, for example, create a list of questions designed to elicit and confirm what the client wants. Not only this, but time would be spent in anticipating what the client might say and planning a strategy for each response.

In the act phase, successful experts track their performance. They monitor on an ongoing basis whether they used each of the steps or strategies outlined in the thinking phase and the quality with which each step was executed. The sheer volume of detail gathered in assessing their performance distinguishes the exceptional from their more average counterparts.

During the reflection phase, top performers review the details of their performance, and identify specific actions and alternate strategies for reaching their goals. Where unsuccessful learners paint with broad strokes, and attribute failure to external and uncontrollable factors (e.g., "I had a bad day," "I wasn't with it"), the experts know exactly what they do, more often citing controllable factors (e.g., "I should have done x instead of y," of "I forgot to do x and will do x plus y next time"). In our work with psychotherapists, for example, we have found that average practitioners are more likely to spend time hypothesizing about failed strategies, believing perhaps that understanding the reasons why an approach did not work will lead to better outcomes, and less time thinking about strategies that might be more effective.

Returning to the example above, an average therapist would be more likely to attribute failure to engage the mandated substance abuser to denial, resistance, or lack motivation. The expert on the other hand would say, "Instead of organizing the session around 'drug use,' I should have emphasized what the client wanted—getting his driver's license back. Next time, I will explore in detail what the two of us need to do right now to get him back in the driver's seat."

The penchant for seeking explanations for treatment failures can have life-and-death consequences. In the 1960s, the average lifespan of children with cystic fibrosis treated by "proficient" pediatricians was three years. The field as a whole attributed the high mortality rate routinely to the illness itself, a belief which, in retrospect, can only be viewed as a self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, why search for alternative methods if the disease invariably kills? Although certainly less dramatic, psychologist William Miller makes a similar point about psychotherapy, noting that most models do not account for how people change, but rather why they stay the same. In our experience, diagnostic classifications often serve a similar function by attributing the cause of a failing or failed therapy to the disorder.

By comparison, deliberate practice bestows clear advantages. In place of static stories and summary conclusions, options predominate. Take chess, for example. The unimaginable speed with which master players intuit the board and make their moves gives them the appearance of wizards, especially to dabblers. Research proves this to be far from the case. In point of fact, they possess no unique or innate ability or advantage in memory. Far from it. Their command of the game is simply a function of numbers: they have played this game and a thousand others before. As a result, they have more means at their disposal.

The difference between average and world-class players becomes especially apparent when stress becomes a factor. Confronted by novel, complex, or challenging situations, the focus of the merely proficient performers narrows to the point of tunnel vision. In chess, these people are easy to spot. They are the ones sitting hunched over the board, their finger glued to a piece, contemplating the next move. But studies of pilots, air traffic controllers, emergency room staff, and others in demanding situations and pursuits show that superior performers expand their awareness, availing themselves of all the options they have identified, rehearsed, and perfected over time.

Deliberate practice, to be sure, is not for the harried or hassled. Neither is it for slackers. Yet the willingness to engage in deliberate practice is what separates the "wheat from the chaff." The reason is simple: doing it is unrewarding in almost every way. As Ericsson notes, "Unlike play, deliberate practice is not inherently motivating; and unlike work, it does not lead to immediate social and monetary rewards. In addition, engaging in [it] generates costs." No third party (e.g., client, insurance company, or government body) will pay for the time spent to track client progress and alliance, identify at-risk cases, develop alternate strategies, seek permission to record treatment sessions, insure HIPAA compliance and confidentiality, systematically review the recordings, evaluate and refine the execution of the strategies, and solicit outside consultation, training, or coaching specific to particular skill sets. And, let's face it, few of us are willing pay for it out of pocket. But this, and all we have just described, is exactly what the supershrinks do. In a word, they are self-motivated. What leads people, children and adults, to devote the time, energy, and resources necessary to achieve greatness is poorly understood. Even when the path to improved performance is clear and requires little effort, most do not follow through. As recently reported in The New York Times, a study of 12 highly experienced gastroenterologists, each having performed a minimum of 3,000 colonoscopies, found that some were 10 times better at finding precancerous polyps than others. An extremely simple solution, one involving no technical skill or diagnostic prowess, was found to increase the polyp-detection rate by 50 percent. Sadly, despite this dramatic improvement, most of the doctors stopped using the remedy the moment the clinical trial ended.

Ericsson and colleagues believe that future studies of elite performers will give us a better idea of how motivation is promoted and sustained. Until then, we know that deliberate practice works best when done multiple times each day, including weekends, for short periods, interrupted by brief rest breaks. "Cramming" or "crash courses" don't work and increase the likelihood of exhaustion and burnout.

The Institute for the Study of Therapeutic Change is developing a web-based system to facilitate deliberate practice. The system is patterned after similar programs in use with pilots, surgeons, and other professionals. The advantage here is that the steps to excellence are automated. At www.myoutcomes.com, clinicians are already able to track their outcomes, establish their baseline, and compare their performance to national norms. The system also provides feedback to therapists when clients are at risk for deterioration or drop-out.

At present, we are testing algorithms that identify patterns in the data associated with superior outcomes. Such formulas, based on thousands of clients and therapists, will enable us to identify when an individual's performance is at variance with the pattern of excellence. When this happens, the clinician will be notified by e-mail of an online deliberate practice opportunity. Such training will differ from traditional continuing education in two critical ways. First, it will be targeted to the development of skill sets specific to the needs of the individual clinician. Second, and of greater consequence in the pursuit of excellence, the impact on outcome can be measured immediately. It is our hope that such a system will make the process of deliberate practice more accessible, less onerous, and more efficient.

The present era in psychotherapy has been referred to by many leading thinkers as the "age of accountability." Everyone wants to know what they are getting for their money. But it is no longer a simple matter of cost and the bottom line. People are looking for value. As a field, we have the means at our disposal to demonstrate the worth of psychotherapy in eyes of consumers and payers and increase its value. The question is, will we?

References

Clement, P. (1994). Quantitative Evaluation of 26 Years of Private Practice. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 25, 2, 173-76.

Colvin, G. (2006, October 19). What It Takes to Be Great. Fortune.

Ericsson, K. A. (2006). Cambridge Handbook of Expertise and Expert Performance. United Kingdom: Cambridge University Press.

Gawande, Atul. (2004, December 6). The Bell Curve. The New Yorker.

Hiatt, D. & Hargrave, G. E. (1995). The Characteristics of Highly Effective Therapists in Managed Behavioral Provider Networks. Behavioral Healthcare Tomorrow, 4, 19-22.

Miller S., Duncan, B., Brown, J., Sorrell, R., & Chalk, M. (2007). Using Formal Client Feedback to Improve Retention and Outcome. Journal of Brief Therapy, 5, 19-28.

Ricks, D.F. (1974). Supershrink: Methods of a therapist judged successful on the basis of adult outcomes of adolescent patients. In D. F. Ricks, M. Roff (Eds.), Life History Research in Psychopathology. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press, 275-297.

Villarosa, L. (2006, December 19). Done Right, Colonoscopy Takes Time, Study Finds. The New York Times, Health Section.

Wampold, B. E. & Brown, J. (2005). Estimating Variability in Outcomes Attributable to Therapists: A Naturalistic Study of Outcomes in Managed Care. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73, 5, 914-23.

Beyond Psychotherapy: Working Outside the Medical Model

"Do you take insurance?" is a question I often get from prospective clients, although less frequently these days.

My answer, in a nutshell, is "I don't." In fact, I resigned from the last of my managed care/preferred provider panels over 15 years ago. This essay explains the reasoning behind my decision, and how my practice as a licensed psychologist has evolved since then.

History

First, a word on the historical context. In the 1960s, with the advent of state licensing of psychologists, our incentives to formulate DSM-based diagnoses changed radically. Psychologists fought hard for parity with psychiatrists, and eventually won the right to be reimbursed by third parties (insurance companies) for the "medically necessary treatment of mental and nervous disease."

For a while, nearly everyone with insurance that covered psychological services had complete freedom of choice: clients chose a psychiatrist, psychologist or other licensed mental health professional more or less without restriction, and bills submitted for reimbursement were routinely paid, with minimal rigmarole by insurance companies, up to the contract's limits. This was a huge benefit to psychologists like me, although for some of us the cost of this change was also substantial: “In order to participate, psychologists, including those of us who were ill-disposed to do so, were required to start thinking of clients and their problems in terms of psychiatric diagnoses a la the DSM.”

Whether or not we ordinarily thought of clients in the context of mental illnesses and disease classifications, participation in the third party reimbursement system demanded that each client be labeled with a diagnosis, which in turn became part of their permanent medical record. The insurance companies were relatively uninvolved in diagnoses and treatment plans. Diagnostic codes were shared with insurers, but details about cases were kept private.

With the advent of managed care in the early 1980s, everything changed. Psychiatrists, psychologists and other providers of psychological services were now under contract with insurers (and/or their representatives and intermediaries, such as managed behavioral health companies), and were compelled by the terms of those contracts to participate in "utilization review." Practically speaking, this typically meant periodically making detailed disclosures of formerly confidential information about the clients to one or more case managers. Based on that information, which usually included diagnosis, history, presenting problems, progress, and treatment plan, case managers were empowered to authorize (or deny) ongoing psychological work. Disagreements between the service providers and case managers were common, and their resolutions often favored the cost-savings perspective of the case managers over those of the mental health professionals.

Since many case managers, at least at that time, had minimal training in psychology and psychotherapy, we therapists frequently complained (at least to one another) that non-professionals were making treatment decisions, sometimes cutting off reimbursement mid-treatment and without warning. “Clients were sometimes horrified to learn that the forms they signed to obtain insurance reimbursement included waivers of their confidentiality rights”, and that insurers and employees of the insurance companies had access to their confidential treatment information.

Fast-forward to today. Third-party reimbursement methodologies have become increasingly complex, and the system is run by many different business models and multiple layers of bureaucracy that were unheard of in the 1980s. But the basic concept remains the same: Psychologists and other mental health professionals are contracted providers, and as providers, we agree to provide only "medically necessary treatment" as authorized by the insurer. In some cases we are still required to formulate a diagnosis and treatment plan in order to make our case for "medical necessity," and confidential treatment information is utilized by an array of people in order to make decisions about the course of our clients' treatment. To make matters worse, contracted rates have generally been frozen for the past 20 years, so after taking inflation into account, providers' real income has decreased by as much as 50 percent.

Some insurance companies have given up on doing "utilization review," undoubtedly because they have found that the cost of providing such oversight is really not cost-effective. Others periodically try new approaches or recycle old approaches, alternating from telephone-, fax-, email- or web-based treatment reviews. Recently colleagues have reported to me that they have received letters from insurers pointing out that they have been seeing a certain patient for X number of sessions, and they might want to consult with the insurance companies' professional staff. Honestly, I cannot imagine any of my peers voluntarily phoning United Behavioral Health or Value Options or any of the other managed behavioral health companies to gain insights into how to provide more effective treatment! But as long as third parties are involved, the ultimate fate of that confidential information is beyond the control of the professional. Who does and who does not gain access to patient information depends on the policies and procedures of the administrative entity making the decisions about reimbursement, within the limits of current law.

"Diagnosis and treatment" constitutes the core language of the medical model. From the perspective of third party-payers, of course it makes sense to apply this same model to psychological treatment. Health insurance is, after all, intended to pay medical bills when a person becomes sick or injured. So as long as our work is being reimbursed as part of one's medical insurance, psychotherapy will continue to be seen as a treatment for a medical condition. But this isn't the only way to think about our clients and their presenting problems; in fact, it may not even be the most productive way.

In the mid-1990s, I finally resigned from the preferred provider networks I had joined some years before. I realized that in the majority of instances I couldn't, in good conscience, make a case that my clients were psychologically ill: “I too often found myself in the awkward position of agreeing with the insurer that my clients' requests for reimbursement should probably be denied.”

DSM and Psychotherapy

Critiques of the DSM are widespread, widely known and well reasoned on both scientific and philosophical grounds. I am typically in agreement with the perspective that says many of the DSM diagnostic categories represent artificial and poorly justified distinctions constructed between normal dimensions of human functioning. I'm not suggesting that all diagnosis is unjustified: certainly some individuals suffer from significant disturbances such as major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or other conditions that can be rightfully considered psychiatric "disorders." However, I have found that I must ask myself again and again: how relevant is the concept of a disorder for most of my private clients? Do I feel confident about applying a DSM-based diagnosis when I recognize that this diagnosis will stay with him or her for life? Do I really believe this client is "mentally ill?"

Personally, I've concluded that not everything that looks like pathology is pathological, nor is every emotional pain, even persistent pain, necessarily a sign that something is broken and needs fixing. For example, while a person stuck in an unhappy marriage may be in considerable distress, defended against certain unwelcome feelings and completely paralyzed about what to do, I ask myself, does this make them somehow psychologically unwell? Or are they just stuck? Ordinary human feelings like frustration, disappointment, sadness and lack of enthusiasm can be mislabeled as depression. Likewise, worry, agitation and fearfulness can sometimes be mislabeled as an anxiety disorder, just as run-of-the-mill shyness can be called a social phobia. We need to recognize that there are vast individual differences among healthy humans and that different doesn't mean disordered. Moreover, most of us believe that some emotional pain is normal, not pathological, and in fact needs to be accepted as part of life. This is certainly a core aspect of the mindfulness-based approaches, which have recently become popular, but this belief runs counter to our efforts to diagnose and treat. And although many practitioners would say that they don't really take the DSM seriously, and they give a diagnosis in order to essentially "play the insurance game" that's required to be reimbursed, I think it is hard not to be at least subtly influenced by the pressures of playing the game, which reinforces the idea of psychopathology.

I have no quarrel with professionals whose psychological world-view is consistent with the DSM, and who are able to utilize the DSM-based diagnostic categories without internal conflict. However, I personally believe that most of the clients I have seen in my private practice are basically healthy and suffering from transient psychological confusion and/or pain. Diagnosis isn't really relevant for them, nor is the DSM.

Adjustment Disorders

The DSM's 309-series codes, "adjustment disorders," are a set of broadly defined categories of normal functioning that include problems-in-living with various emotional sequelae. These codes do in fact seem relevant, although not particularly useful, for the vast majority of clients I've worked with in the past 25 years. Unlike other diagnostic codes, however, the 309-codes don't really describe pathology, although they are characterized by "marked distress that is in excess of what would be expected from exposure to the stressor." But how do we decide what qualifies as "excessive" versus "normal"? Our primary approach of thinking about "normality" is (I hope!) primarily psychological, not statistical. Statistically, "excessive" refers to instances in the tails of some distribution curve. But psychologically, the amount of distress being experienced by any given person will almost certainly turn out to be exactly what would be expected for that person, at that time, under those circumstances. In a way, psychologically speaking, the idea of "excessive" distress is a bit absurd.

Alternatives to Diagnosis

But if we're not treating mental disease, what are we doing? Here's my personal answer, which evolves out of my professional history: I have a PhD from Stanford in developmental psychology. Before getting post-doctoral clinical training, obtaining a license and starting my private practice, I spent more than a decade at Stanford doing research on normal adults and their children. The focus of my research was on the evolution of two-person relationships and on identifying ways that researchers might meaningfully differentiate relationships from one another. I also specialized in research methodology, statistics and the philosophy of science. During my years at Stanford, I therefore learned a lot about normal human development and about normal, even exceptional, high-functioning two-person relationships. Just as importantly, I learned a lot about hypothesis generation, hypothesis testing and the nature of scientific evidence. I learned to question everything, and to require overwhelming evidence before accepting that the conclusions drawn from some study are anything but figments of the researchers' imaginations. I learned that a high degree of well-reasoned skepticism is part of the scientific process.

All this has allowed my professional identity to evolve, so that I now represent myself as a psychologist, but not as a psychotherapist. I think of myself as a consultant, a teacher, a mentor, or a coach who works with normal, healthy people who want to improve their lives. Instead of thinking of my clients as mentally ill and of myself as a healer, I think of my clients as psychologically healthy individuals and couples seeking an unbiased, caring professional with a fresh pair of eyes and a fresh look at their situation.

My post-doctoral training in psychodynamic psychotherapy taught me how to think about the unfolding of interpersonal process and about phenomena like transference and countertransference, projection, and identification as perfectly normal processes, affecting perfectly normal people. My post-doctoral training in cognitive-behavioral therapy taught me to think about how perfectly normal people sometimes conceptualize themselves and their problems in irrational, unhelpful ways, and how acting-without-thinking frequently accompanies irrational thinking. I continue to study approaches to psychotherapy and how people change, and apply what I learn in my work with normal, healthy individuals who are in a transient state of needing some help. “Since the word "therapy" implies healing, and I don't conceptualize my clients as needing to be healed, I don't consider nor market what I do as psychotherapy.”

Collaborator not Healer

Of course, this means that my practice is a 100-percent fee-for-service practice. Since I don't do psychotherapy, I accept no reimbursement from insurance companies, and instead bill all fees directly to clients. I generally accept only clients whom I deem to be fundamentally psychologically healthy. What I actually do, however, isn't terribly different from what many psychotherapists do. I'm aware that my therapeutic style continues to have a psychodynamic feel to it, although it has evolved to be much more active and engaged than it used to be. I'm far more likely than I used to be to offer possible interpretations, suggestions, and homework assignments. I teach in the sense that I adopt a didactic stance in order to help clients understand what's happening in their lives. I'm less interested than I once was in insight for the sake of insight or the ideal cure, and am more aimed at helping my clients obtain tangible, measurable results.

Although I maintain written records similar to those that would be required of licensed psychotherapists, these records, since they do not describe treatment, are not medical records and are consequently of no interest to any insurance companies, insurance adjusters or anyone else. They are genuinely confidential records. And although my practice is HIPAA complaint, strictly speaking HIPAA doesn't apply to me either, because mine are not health records. I continue to practice exclusively within the limits of my training, experience and competence. I am very clear to prospective clients about what we can do together, and about what we will not be doing. By rendering the split between the healer and the healed irrelevant, I meet my clients as a collaborator. My client relationships feel stronger than ever, and more interpersonally authentic.

I offer this perspective simply as a way of sharing my journey as a helping professional, not as a prescription of how other therapists should think about or practice their craft. And to reiterate an important point: I do not by any means deny the existence of mental illness. Rather, I notice that it's extremely rare in clients who seek help in a private, fee-for-service practice. I also am aware that by refusing to accept insurance, I am making myself much less available to individuals who would find it economically difficult or even prohibitive to pay for my services. But for me this is the only way of operating my practice that feels congruent with my conceptualization of who my clients are and how they change—and I feel grateful that my DSM-free practice has continued to thrive. More generally, I believe that our training as psychologists makes us well suited to offer a wide range of valuable services to the public, and that psychotherapy is only one of them. We are here to help our clients, and there are many different ways to do that.

My thanks to Victor Yalom for his valuable contributions to this piece.