Black and White Witchcraft: A Cultural Crossroads in Paris Inspires Therapeutic Innovation

Monsieur D. arrives at the Centre Georges Devereux

Now, a year and a half after his arrival in France, Monsieur D. sits in the Centre Georges Devereux, an ethnopsychiatry clinic in Paris. Congregating around him, a group of professionals and student interns face the task of sorting out his past in order to assure his future. Observing this calm, dignified man from across the room, I have no inkling that our interactions will have such a profound impact on my understanding of psychotherapeutic intervention. His face and ears are heavily scarred, one eye is a deformed mess and the other barely able to perceive moving shadows, but he has fully regained his intellectual faculties and participates readily in the discussion. Meanwhile, his baby daughter gurgles and bounces energetically in the arms of her mother, who followed Monsieur D. to France when she could get no news of him and feared the worst.

As long as Monsieur D. needs acute medical treatment, the safety net provided by French social services will care for him; but his wife and child have no official status, and only charitable organizations help them struggle on from one day to the next. So after surviving two apparent attempts on his life, Monsieur D. and his family will remain in legal and material limbo unless they can attain permanent refugee status. Otherwise, they must return to Africa.

Given Monsieur D.'s utterly fantastic history, any forced return to Africa would constitute a death sentence. Unless, that is, the clinicians at the Centre Georges Devereux can help unravel his mysterious past, identify his invisible enemies, and activate the necessary forces of protection.

Monsieur D. eventually agrees with Marie, the Antillean psychologist leading the session, that his fall from the hospital window represents a logical continuation of the gunshot fired in Africa, both events the result of very powerful witchcraft. A tentative idea emerges in the clear, dignified voice of Christophe, a Catholic priest and trained psychologist from a nearby African country and one of the cultural mediators at the Centre. “Christophe gently hints that during the course of his Western education and rise in status, Monsieur D. has perhaps neglected to sufficiently honor his ancestors, who in turn allowed his enemies to attack him with impunity.” If so, he would need to mend his relationship with his ancestors as a first step in protecting against future attacks. Monsieur D. nods thoughtfully and rubs the scar that bulges behind his huge, thick eyeglasses.

This is not a case of the experts announcing a diagnosis and course of treatment to the trusting patient. Monsieur D. knows that the professionals at the Centre Georges Devereux have entered his territory and will negotiate on familiar terms. None has more expertise in the intricacies of his culture and world than he does, and he is being enlisted as a partner in this brainstorming session. Though nearly blind, powerless to provide for his family, and wracked by nightly terrors, in this place Monsieur D.'s impediments melt away. So, when he responds to Christophe's suggestion, the patient presents an alternate interpretation in measured, professorial tones: "Yes, you could look at it as a failing on my part that allowed such catastrophes to befall me. “On the other hand, it is equally possible that I actually survived the pernicious attacks thanks only to my powerful ancestral protection.”" A crucial distinction that, if true, would point to an entirely different course of action. With ancestral protection already intact, Monsieur D. would need to look elsewhere to bolster his defenses, perhaps in his twin sons, since twins often have special status and powers in his culture.

Three hours later, the point remains unresolved, but clinicians and client agree on some provisionary steps and work out various practical details of the couple's life, such as how to keep the baby fed during the coming month. After shaking hands with Monsieur and Madame and watching them disappear out into the hall, I look vaguely around the room and then follow in their footsteps to exit the building. Welcome to the Centre Georges Devereux, I think to myself! Monsieur D. will return in a month for a second consultation. I'll be back tomorrow morning.

Ethnopsychiatry: Treating cultural phenomena at face value

Despite their home away from home within Paris, African immigrants face many obstacles in the highly traditional French society. And when they run up against cultural barriers, there is one place in particular within the official French social service network where immigrant families can hope to be understood and taken seriously: the Centre Georges Devereux, housed in the University of Paris VIII. “It is there that a French social worker can bring a Moroccan man who refuses to support his wife, claiming she is possessed by a jinn”; there that a French judge can refer a Malian family with two delinquent kids who, alienated from both their parents' culture and the French mainstream, have forged an identity in a gang. The epicenter of research in the emerging field of ethnopsychiatry, this clinic focuses on developing new methods for treating people in psychological distress.1

The innovative theories and methodology at the Centre Georges Devereux ensure that it is not only a cultural island compared to the rest of French society, but also an ideological island compared to mainstream clinical psychology in France, which is rooted in the Freudian tradition. Rather than weekly therapy that may go on for years, clients at the Centre go only once a month for two to six months for an intensive three-hour group problem-solving session. Each consultation brings the client (or family) together with several clinical psychologists who come from all over the world, as well as with other specialists—anthropologists, linguists, lawyers, social workers, physicians—and various interns. The sessions are often conducted in the patient's native tongue, with the help of an interpreter/cultural mediator who shares the client's native culture and has studied its traditional therapeutic methods.

Much of the work focuses on constructing an explanatory narrative, some coherent interpretation of (and then antidote to) the clients' experiences, which have often been invalidated or misunderstood by the various other professionals with whom they have had contact. As in the case of Monsieur D., many clients talk about ancestral spirits or witchcraft, phenomena that Western psychology generally finds itself unequipped to address (Are these people hallucinating? Are they psychotic?). At the Centre Georges Devereux such phenomena are accepted at face value, and the therapeutic methods of all practitioners—whether Western psychologists or folk healers and priests—are taken as clinical theories, all equally valid for study. Instead of diagnosing patients with a psychological or psychiatric disorder, the Centre tries to treat people using their own cultural references and, often, treatment methods. In this way, ethnopsychiatry has taken some bold steps to expand the field of psychology so that it might apply in a meaningful way to non-Western populations. What's more, marginalized by French society, the clients find that at the Centre Georges Devereux, their culture is taken seriously.

Founding of the Centre Georges Devereux in France

The university setting fosters this astonishing variety of research. At the same time, it provides an avenue for educating the community in ethnopsychiatry, alongside future clinicians and researchers. Many of the psychologists at the Centre Georges Devereux double as instructors at its host institution, the University of Paris VIII. They also give a year-long lecture series specially designed for professionals in various fields who work with immigrant populations. And the clinic itself is structured to host student interns, often Masters or doctoral candidates conducting research. Nearly as international a group as the staff, the interns during my time at the Centre included French, Italian, Argentinean, Rwandan, and Japanese students. “In researching the clinic itself rather than a specific thesis topic, I was a free-floating anomaly, and the staff often simply introduced me to clients as "our American."”

Thanks to the group structure and university setting, I enjoyed the opportunity of observing and even participating in intensive clinical consultations with patients. Of course, in reality the experienced clinicians and staff tended to direct the sessions, calling on the others' input under highly specific circumstances. I recall one session with a woman who complained of recurring nightmares in which her adolescent daughter was kidnapped and raped. Fatou, the Senegalese psychologist directing the session, aimed to discuss the client's onset of puberty in order to draw connections with her daughter; but the woman claimed to have forgotten the circumstances surrounding her first menstrual period. With her usual calm ingenuity, Fatou proceeded to ask each female in the room to recount the story of her first period. We had only gotten halfway around the circle when the patient broke in with her own story, and Fatou carried the discussion forward.

Then again, there were also times when the various experiences and perspectives in the room made truly independent contributions to the session, rather than merely serving as tools for the clinician directing the consultation. One memorable case involves a young girl who recently arrived all alone from the Ivory Coast and is inexplicably failing school. In a halting near-whisper, she insisted that French was her only mother tongue. The clinicians in the room seemed mystified, as they guessed that another language from her past has a hold on the child. Finally, a woman who had worked for years with the Parisian African population in another setting offered an explanation. According to her, the French spoken in the Ivory Coast differs greatly from the French spoken in France, more so than in many other areas of francophone Africa. Despite her reading and writing proficiency, the young girl was struggling to understand the classroom lessons and the teacher's instructions because of the unfamiliar dialect, but felt too ashamed to voice her difficulty. Without this crucial piece of information, the clinicians could not begin to work with the girl and the caseworker on ways to overcome this basic obstacle.

The group structure serves as more than a reflection of formal communal gatherings in Africa, then, and all the participants feel justified in their presence. When I happened to contribute a useful comment, I went home that day with the whole consultation thrilling through my chest, and the long subway ride home passed in just a short instant.

Between Two Worlds

In the evenings, I returned to the prestigious École Normale Supérieure (ENS) in the studenty, touristy Latin Quarter of Paris, where I immersed myself in an ancient but breathing symbol of French tradition. There I lived with the country's future academic and political leaders, a group with no more ethnic and socioeconomic diversity than Harvard had in the 19th century. I knew of one Arab student and no Africans, and even the considerable population of foreign exchange students come almost exclusively from the United States and Europe. Across disciplines, the array of seminars offered there covers the roots of Western civilization—from Greek to Roman to French—as it has for hundreds of years. Most people I told of my work at the Centre Georges Devereux responded with eyebrows raised in slightly bewildered surprise, as if I were working with exotic birds rather than a large population living in their own city. I learned quickly to keep the worlds separate and generally succeeded.

Occasionally, I experienced a glitch in the transition, when the disconnect between my day at the Centre and my evening at the ENS sent shock waves through me until my brain froze with exhaustion. One day I arrived at the ENS breathless from the metro and ran straight to a rehearsal of my baroque chamber music ensemble. “I floated unconscious through the leader's explanation of the subtleties of grace notes in Couperin, my heart pounding, my throat aching, my mind unable to expel the grisly, heart-rending image of the walking skeleton I'd met that day.” I had never seen anyone dying of AIDS before, let alone a young woman, unidentifiable as such, who looked as if she had already died. The skin stretched taut and shiny with sweat over her huge eye sockets, and the wide mouth quivered, a shiver that spread to her whole emaciated body and wildly darting eyes while she listened to her seven-year-old daughter's estranged father, seated several chairs away. He wanted custody of the child and spoke in oily tones, drawing upon his royal West African heritage, while the mother's long, bony hag's hands trembled against each other in her lap in time with her only words, in a firm, ghostly whisper, "That's false. That's false."

Several times Marie paused the consultation to calm the mother, as her shaking grew more wildly uncontrolled, and in fear that she would fall down in a trance (or seizure, depending on your point of view). The child watched her mother worriedly from the corner, magic marker poised over untouched paper, while her father continued to wheedle unabashedly and display legal papers with such blatant callousness towards the mother's terrifying condition that I again shuddered with nausea as I raised my flute to my lips. No sound came out. Bach and Couperin had no more substance than a dream, but the AIDS-ravaged woman and her orphan-to-be proved ever more real in my dreams that night.

Healing Spirits

One of the first consultations I attend involved a family with a young boy who kept on falling. His most recent accident, a fall from a ladder, had landed him in the hospital for a month. I understood very little of the ensuing discussion, but I gathered in the end that the family somehow neglected to perform certain rituals at the burial site of a maternal ancestor. The completion of these rites would close the circle of ancestral protection, which had clearly suffered some punctures, allowing such ill fortune to befall the boy. Perhaps his repeated falls were actually occurring in order to remind the family of its neglected duties to its ancestral protectors. The parents and children left the session with many smiles and warm handshakes, highly satisfied and full of plans for follow-up after performing the rituals. I was enthralled and enthusiastic. And then, inevitably, the thought: But what happens the next time he falls? How could I wrap my mind around what seemed so obvious to the others, patients and professionals alike—that if they have correctly diagnosed the situation and prescribed the appropriate remedy, then the boy would not fall again? I could not, and still I tried.

Having since worked as a research coordinator in psychiatric genetics at a major U.S. hospital, I sometimes have trouble believing that, not long ago, I pondered the desires of ancestral spirits on a daily basis. But I certainly did, and with increasing ease. The discussions moved seamlessly from school performance or legal residency papers to honoring ancestors while remaining faithful to the Christian God . . . and back again! “The invisible and the spiritual inhabited the same plane as the utterly mundane.”

Eventually I learned to enter into this mindset, a way of thinking about the world that grew more and more familiar—but always as an outsider, sheepishly wearing another's clothes. I wondered uneasily whether I needed to feel sure of the existence of the phenomena we discussed in consultations for the work to be legitimate, whether it mattered as long as it functioned therapeutically, one way or another. It seemed all right to me as long as my place was mostly that of an observer, but what if I occupied the role of the psychologist directing the consultation? Although they would likely refute the idea, the legitimacy of the whole system seemed to me to rest in large part on the clinicians having cultural backgrounds comparable to those of their clients. When the Senegalese psychologist, Fatou, described how a patient should buy a small live chicken, feed it to her family, and then bring the contents of its stomach into the next consultation, she was not "playing" at something; she wore nobody's clothes but her own.

In this light, I came to understand ethnopsychiatry's disdain for the widely held idea that its therapeutic interventions work merely through "suggestion," influencing patients' psychologies for the better rather than actually affecting the supernatural forces under discussion. Although I myself have not resolved this issue in my mind, the idea of suggestion does seem patronizing. Setting it apart from much other cultural psychological theory and practice, which sometimes uses cultural sensitivity to facilitate essentially Western treatments, ethnopsychiatry takes the logic of intercultural respect quite seriously, audaciously, all the way to its conclusion. And I came to see why anything less—no matter how much more comfortable for the Western-trained intellect—falls short.

On the other hand, transferring this logic from social/psychological to more biological/medical areas seemed to me problematic, from both a scientific and a humanitarian perspective. For example, in many parts of Africa, HIV/AIDS is generally viewed as the result of a witchcraft attack. And much as it makes me squirm, I can understand why one Western-trained African doctor I met (outside of the Centre Georges Devereux) regularly tells his African patients that the antiretroviral drugs serve as antidotes to witchcraft. The clinicians at the Centre Georges Devereux would certainly never use such methods. But who am I to decry this patronizing "ghost story" if it increases compliance with the treatment regimen and thereby prolongs lives? Interestingly, many HIV-positive Africans in France understand perfectly the way they physically contracted the virus as well as the biological course of their illness. And yet, simultaneously, they see a witchcraft attack as the underlying explanation for why they contracted the virus when and how they did. From this perspective, then, the antiretroviral drugs really do fight witchcraft, or at least the illness it causes (though strictly speaking they do not defend against further attacks). So while I never fully understood how ethnopsychiatry manages to integrate Western medical science with traditional etiologies and treatments, perhaps, there is ultimately no real conflict.

Bridging Troubled Waters

“The clinicians prove a wonderful resource for parsing out normal cultural practices from aberrant behaviors”, a particularly important distinction when making decisions about a child's future. One social worker's report of a mother's rough handling of her infant in the bathtub resulted in the baby's placement in foster care. The mother regained her child months later after a mediator at the Centre Georges Devereux explained to the social worker the cultural practice of firmly molding a baby's body to ensure its proper growth and development. Thus, as a constant undertone to whatever other therapeutic intervention they attempt, the clinicians work to improve communication and clear up misunderstandings between the social workers, judges, and educators on the one hand and their immigrant clients on the other. They succeed by using their mastery of both languages, literal and figurative, to bridge the two worlds.

Yet their work does not always consist of pure translation from one world to another. Sometimes it seemed to me that the Centre Georges Devereux created and worked with one multi-faceted language. True, the interpretation of a symptom sometimes varied depending on one's cultural viewpoint, determining whether someone was in a trance or having a seizure. But that was not always the case. For example, Dominique, a French psychologist and trauma specialist, runs special consultations for survivors of intentionally induced trauma.

Back to Monsieur D.

Importantly, the clinicians at the Centre also recognize when some symptoms are most easily classified in agreement with Western categories. A Haitian student intern reported to the group on her first attempt at a private mediation between a Haitian woman and the social services. The intern described to us how she explained the client's references to the Voodoo religion to the doctor and social worker present, so they might get a sense of the cultural framework behind her seemingly incomprehensible utterances. Then Marie, the psychologist who supervised the mediation, spoke to the intern: "You did a fine job explaining the various Voodoo figures and rituals the patient mentioned. “You neglected, however, to point out that the way the patient was talking about Voodoo actually made very little sense, and that the woman was on the verge of becoming totally delusional.”"

Whether or not in sync with Western categories, the professionals at the Centre are certainly well equipped to identify behaviors that are pathological within their cultural context. I recall too vividly the case of an eight-year-old boy accused of witchcraft by his aunt and uncle, his guardians in France. They had plenty of evidence according to traditional standards to convict the boy of trying to kill them slowly by witchcraft, probably by order of his grandmother. Among this Congolese people, I learned, a convicted witch is branded according to a traditional ritual in order to identify him/her, so that the witch can no longer go out at night to work destruction on innocent people. This small boy's uncle woke him up in the middle of the night and dangled him outside the open window for several minutes before bringing him back inside. He proceeded to bind the boy's hands and feet with rope before branding his shoulder with a hot iron. The child has an iron-shaped scar on his shoulder to this day.

I was horrified—not only that such horrendous abuse has occurred, but also by my frightening question, "Could this possibly be culturally normal? What then?" Apparently, the judge in charge of the uncle's hearing wondered the same thing, sending the boy to the Centre Georges Devereux to help herself as much as the traumatized child to make sense of the situation. There, the clinicians understood immediately that, whether or not the child was practicing witchcraft, the uncle certainly reacted abnormally. “He acted alone, outside of the codified, traditional system of communal witchcraft hearings, thereby transforming a ceremony with a preventive purpose into a form of private, vindictive torture.” What relief to discover that his act was pathological from any point of view! I can only guess at what precipitated the horrific branding: whether the craziness or evil of this individual or his displacement from a certain cultural/social context, or some combination of both. I know only that the judge could send the uncle to jail with a perfectly clear conscience.

A Delicate Balancing Act

One Algerian client we saw exemplified this challenge. She had turned her husband out of the house, but still felt conflicted and allowed him to return to see the children. She reported that he destroyed things in the house and even hit her when she intervened as he disciplined the kids. As I listened to their story, I held my breath as the tone of the consultation became almost accusatory, with comments on how the woman had reduced her husband to less than a man. Finally, she rose abruptly and crossed the room with tears in her eyes. The clinicians were trying to jolt the patient into recognition that she still wanted and needed her husband, if only because she had fallen very ill since his departure and could not care for the children alone. They wanted her to agree to bring her husband to the next consultation, because their family would only continue to fall apart until she reconnected with her place as wife and mother. Practically speaking, they were probably right. Her brazenness had left her in an untenable situation, utterly isolated from both family and the larger community. In another culture, she might have had an opportunity to end an unhappy marriage and rebuild her life. But the world she was born into holds no place for a divorced woman. Still, I sat there sweating uncomfortably at the scene, acutely aware that this woman's brave resistance went unvalidated in this setting. The individualistic voice in my head cried out, Does she not have the right to disagree with the logic of her own culture?

And what about the clinicians? Did they have the right to disagree with the logic of their client's culture? This seemed even thornier a problem. I wonder how far to go in accepting the patients' culture at face value when some normal practices might run contrary to certain moral principles. If I believe that women are oppressed in certain parts of Africa, by tacitly accepting such cultural elements when working with the people, was I promoting intercultural understanding or perpetuating the oppression? Does the very presence of this question in my discomfited mind merely reflect my own ignorance and cultural biases? I cannot say for certain either way.

To add to my confusion, the power structure at the Centre Georges Devereux appeared extremely egalitarian—a far cry from my later experience (ironically, in the land that championed feminism) working at a U.S. hospital among many female research coordinators quietly waiting on almost exclusively male doctors. In contrast, female professionals at the Centre had equal voices, which they did not hesitate to use, and an equal share of power at all levels of the loose hierarchy. These independent, empowered women must have somehow reconciled their multiple university degrees and packed professional lives with their daily defense of the traditional values and practices of their cultures of origin. I never understood exactly how they did it, unless I vastly misunderstood those traditional values and practices. How could a female clinician legitimately press a client from a similar cultural background to stop resisting a traditional role, when the clinician had refused that role herself?

Perhaps, unable to sidestep my feminist perspective, I was failing to grasp the actual nature of the therapeutic interventions. I sensed, but could never articulate, the nuances in ethnopsychiatry's delicate balancing act. “Like a spider suspended in a doorway, thanks to the tension in its fine-spun web, the Centre Georges Devereux fosters the creation of a space between the extremes of cultural isolationism and total assimilation; a space where Africans can stay African while sustaining life in France.”

An Inconclusive End

My arrival at the Centre Georges Devereux felt like a leap into freezing water: I grew accustomed to it quickly, but I never forgot that I would feel cold again the moment I set foot on dry land. My discovery of ethnopsychiatry has certainly modified my educational and professional future; in fact, it has transformed me, or perhaps it has rather transformed the world for me. And now I must return to my previous world, alone, carrying the weight of an experience that is incomprehensible or merely of exotic interest to the inhabitants of that world. To my knowledge, ethnopsychiatry as defined at the Centre Georges Devereux does not exist in the United States. And yet, I would like to find a way to integrate what I have learned over the course of this year into my future studies and work. But attempting to "do" ethnopsychiatry on my own would not only be crazy and pretentious, it would also run counter to the fundamental principles of its practice. I would of course need a group. But how can I explain to others ideas and practices that I have not myself mastered, especially with the theoretical literature almost entirely inaccessible to non-French speakers? How can I avoid one of the risks of transplantation, in which the techniques and terminology become inactive, empty husks, having lost along with their roots the underlying depth of thought and their therapeutic powers? I do not know how to resolve these problems, among so many others. But I will search for a way.

And I am searching. I came to the Centre Georges Devereux to try to understand ethnopsychiatry: whether it works, how it works, why it works. After a year of attending consultations, I still have no clear idea how to answer those three questions. There was no introduction to the start of my time there and certainly no conclusion at the end; yet I have gleaned bits and pieces that will stay with me, even if I have not figured out how they all fit together. Most of all, I have gained another pair of eyes. Because ultimately, the Centre Georges Devereux works at the cusp of vastly different cultures in order to shake up the kaleidoscope through which we view the world, to offer the field of psychology a different, perhaps broader and more inclusive, and certainly a more varied and colorful perspective. In my desire to help foster that vision, I know only one way to begin. And so I offer my own story.

Notes

My, How Couples Therapy has Changed! Attachment, Love and Science

The revolution

Just a few short years ago couples therapy was cynically labeled as a set of techniques in search of a theory! Now researchers such as John Gottman and Kim Halford have suggested that even the accepted techniques of this field, such as teaching problem-solving and conflict-management skills, while beneficial, do not seem to get to the heart of the matter in terms of offering a pathway to lasting change in relationships and do not reflect how happy couples relate to each other outside of therapy.

If all this weren’t rough enough, everyone agrees that couples therapy can be very difficult to do. “Dealing with two people, two sets of hot emotions, escalating fights, and clients who hurt but don’t want to slow down, be more reasonable and negotiate is not for the faint of heart.”

Given all this, it seems almost reasonable that couples therapy is often ridiculed or maligned as ineffective in the media. But in spite of this, millions of couples persist in seeking out therapists, perhaps because, as recent surveys tell us, most people in North America rate finding a loving relationship as their main life goal, placing it ahead of career or financial success. It is fortunate, then, that the image of couples therapy painted above is not the whole story. In fact, this image is simply out of date.

Couples therapy is in the midst of a revolution. The key element in this revolution is the development of a new science of love and love relationships. As Yogi Berra told us, “If you don’t know where you are going, you wind up somewhere else.” Without a clear model of love and the process of connection and disconnection, it is difficult to know how to focus interventions on the defining issues and moments in a relationship. It is hard to know what changes will really make a difference and what the overall goal should be in couples therapy. If love is, as Marilyn Yalom in her book The History of the Wife suggests, “an intoxicating mixture of sex and sentiment that no one can understand,” then couples therapy is just appropriate sitcom material. As she suggests, sex and emotion do seem to be intrinsic to love, but it does not have to be a complete mystery.

There are many strands in this new science of love relationships, but they all come together in the growing literature on adult attachment, a relatively recent extension of the English psychiatrist John Bowlby’s work on the emotional bonds between mothers and children. The attachment perspective gives the couples therapist a meaningful and effective map to the drama of distress between partners. It guides the therapist in the pivotal moments in couples interactions and why they matter so much; it offers the therapist a guide to each partner’s deepest needs and strongest emotions. Even so, most therapists will ask, “But does it tell me what to do from moment to moment in a couple session?”

Many streams of research and theory have addressed these questions of late. My colleagues and I have explored these questions in what we call Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), a systematic, rigorous, tested set of interventions based on the attachment view of love and bonding. I recently summarized attachment-based approaches in a manner that can be offered to clients and the public in Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love . The great strength of this new scientific perspective is exactly that it offers a rigorous body of observation and research into what love is all about and how it changes shape and color. Moreover, it is a tested approach to intervention with excellent outcome data and clinical relevance. Clients also tell us that this way of seeing and working does indeed go to the heart of the matter. In this article I will summarize the attachment perspective and how it is supported by different strands of relationship science (these science strands will be in italics to find or avoid, as you wish!) and how it translates into practice in EFT.

A new scientific and practical theory of love

The multitude of studies on adult attachment that have emerged over the last decade tell us that the essence of love is not a negotiated exchange of resources (so why teach negotiation skills?), a friendship, Nature’s trick to get you to mate and pass on your genes, or a time-limited episode of delusional addiction.

“Love is a very special kind of emotional bond, the need for which is wired into our brain by millions of years of evolution.” It is a survival imperative. The human brain codes isolation and abandonment as danger and the touch and emotional responsiveness of loved ones as safety, a safety that promotes optimal flexibility and continual learning. Jaak Panksepp1, in his neurobiological studies, finds that loss of connection from attachment figures triggers “primal panic,” a special set of fear responses. As Bowlby notes, the words “anxiety” and “anger” come from the same etymological root and both arise at moments of disconnection, when attachment figures are non-responsive. This need for emotional connection is not a sentimental notion. The basic image of who we are and what our most basic needs are, namely that we are social animals who seek such connection, is reflected in health studies. For example, it is now clear that emotional isolation is more dangerous for your health than smoking, and that it doubles the likelihood of heart attack and stroke.

Attachment theory states that we need a safe haven relationship to turn to when life is too much for us and that offers us a secure base from which to go confidently out into the world. This is effective dependency. Many psychotherapy clients learn that their problem is that they are too close or undifferentiated from loved ones. The approach discussed here offers a larger picture. The evidence is that secure, close connection is a source of strength and personality integration rather than weakness. Studies show that the securely connected have a more articulated and positive sense of self. Eighteen months after 9/11, researcher Chris Fraley2 found that securely connected survivors, who could turn to others for emotional support, were able to deal with this trauma and grow from it, whereas insecurely attached survivors were experiencing significant mental health problems. Secure connection is shaped by mutual emotional accessibility and responsiveness. This is the heart of the drama that plays out in the couple therapist’s office. The fights that matter in a relationship are only superficially about the kids or money. Partners and therapists can spend many hours talking about these content issues instead of focusing on how the couple talk and more specifically, on the key attachment questions that drive a couple’s negative dance. “The key questions are: “Are you there for me?” “Do I matter to you?” “Will you turn towards me and respond to me?”” Partners often do not know how to ask these questions, and therapists often miss them or even see them as a sign of immature dependency.

Attachment theory tells us that emotion and emotional signals are the music of the dance between intimates. Many therapies encourage clients to go round strong emotion or replace it with rational thoughts or decisions. Emotion researchers such as James Gross now tell us that this not only increases arousal in the person who is inhibiting emotion but also creates tension in the other partner. An approach that focuses on attachment suggests that emotion is best acknowledged and listened to, so that emotional signals can be shaped in ways that make for safe connection. New emotional responses are also essential if therapy is to address each partner’s deeper longings, help partners formulate their needs and offer a path to the kind of compassionate loving connection that couples are seeking. “Secure attachment, not just conflict containment, is the goal of couples therapy here.” By the end of therapy, an EFT therapist, for example, wants to see his or her clients listen to their emotions, speak their needs clearly and reach for their partner in a way that helps that partner tune in and respond. Research into EFT outcomes tells us that when partners can do this in key sessions, they move into recovery from distress, and this recovery tends to be stable over time. Studies show that over 7 out of 10 couples reach this in EFT. Safe emotional connection then helps each partner deal positively with stress and distress, whether this stress arises from within or outside the relationship. Negative events then only make a relationship stronger. Jim Coan found that when women in an MRI machine were shown a sign that meant they might be shocked on their feet, their brains registered a high stress response, especially if they were alone and even if a stranger held their hand. But if they felt loved in their marriage and their husband held their hand, then these women’s brains were much calmer and the shock seemed to hurt less; holding hands with a loved one “calms jittery neurons” in the brain. As Bowlby predicted, there is more and more evidence that lovers are connected by a neural net. They regulate each other’s physiology and emotional lives. When they are tuned in emotionally, they help each other reach a physical and emotional balance that promotes optimal functioning.

If you look through the attachment lens, the negative spirals that distressed couples create and are victimized by are all about separation distress—the deprivation and emotional starvation that comes from emotional disconnection. “When we cannot get an attachment figure to respond to us, we step into a wired in sequence of protest, first hopeful and then angry, desperate and coercive.” We seek contact any way we can. My client tells me, “I poke him and poke him—anything to get a response from him, to know I matter to him.” If we cannot get a response, despair and depression come to claim us. This way of understanding the usual demand-withdraw cycle in a distressed relationship allows the therapist to help partners to see the game instead of the ball, and to come together against the common enemy of the isolation and the negative dance that is consuming their relationship. It also implies that unless the underlying attachment issues and primal panic is addressed, other approaches, such as insight or learning skill sequences, are unlikely to be effective.

Shaping a sense of safe connection

If we cannot find a way to turn towards our partner and shape a sense of safe connection, there are really only two other secondary strategies open to us and they map onto two emotional realities with exquisite logic. Strategy one is to become caught in fear of abandonment and demand responsiveness by blaming; unfortunately, this often threatens the other and pushes this person further away, especially if this strategy becomes habitual and automatic. Strategy two is to numb out attachment needs and feelings and avoid engagement (and conflict), that is, to shut down and withdraw. Unfortunately, this then shuts the other person out. Both these secondary strategies are ways of trying to hang onto an attachment relationship and deal with difficult feelings, but they often backfire. Over the course of EFT studies and practice, we have been able to chart the emotional realities of partners as they use these strategies. Once they can order and name their feelings, blamers speak of being alone, left, unimportant, abandoned, and feeling insignificant to their partner. Underneath their anger they are extremely vulnerable. Withdrawers speak of feeling ashamed and afraid of hearing that they are failures. They believe that they can never please their partner and so feel helpless and paralyzed.

Attachment-oriented couples therapy

Attachment theory offers a map to the dance of love and the powerful emotions that move partners in this dance. In moment-to-moment interactions, cognitive models of personal identity are also shaped. Each person is defined and defines themselves as lovable or unworthy and the other as trustworthy or dangerous. The map offered here allows the therapist to go within each partner and between the partners into the dance and its patterns. The therapist then, with EFT attachment-based interventions, shapes new interactions and new emotions, helping partners move from desperate anger, for example, to a clear expression of fear and longing that evokes caring and compassion in the other partner and creates the contact they long for.

EFT as an attachment-oriented therapy assumes that reshaped emotions and emotional signals and new sequences of responsive interaction are necessary to transform an attachment relationship. Couples therapy has rightly, from this view, been accused of ignoring nurturance and connection for a focus on conflict management, power and boundaries. This approach addresses this issue as core to forging satisfying and meaningful relationships. Attachment longings are wired into our brains and the tendency to reach and to trust and to comfort and care are always there, even if unrecognized or denied. The tendency to respond to hurtful disconnection by shutting down or attacking is also always there, and can become habitual for all of us.

Bowlby, like Carl Rogers, saw how we can all get stuck in dead-end ways of dealing with our emotional needs and with loved ones, but also believed that we can have a corrective emotional experience of safe connection that opens new doors for us and changes these ways. “What has to happen—or what is necessary and sufficient for a lasting transformational shift to occur in a distressed relationship?” My experience leads me to believe that a corrective emotional experience of safe connection that is then integrated into the self and the relationship is necessary. What does this look like?

We know from thousands or studies on attachments between mother and child and from studies of adult love that in secure relationships that people can become aware of and regulate their attachment emotions, accept their needs and express these needs coherently and openly to the other. They can accept comfort when offered and, in an adult relationship, offer comfort to the other. They can then use this sense of felt security to move out into the world, to explore and learn. In key change events that predict positive outcome in the second stage of EFT, when the therapist is guiding the couple into positive cycles of engagement and trust, this is also what we see. With both withdrawers and blaming anxious partners, the therapist helps them move into a deeper connection with their own fears and longings, and then express these fears and longings to their partner in a way that pulls the other close.

Withdrawers assert their needs for safety and can tell their lover what they require to stay emotionally engaged. David says, “I have to feel that I can win here. I can’t be walking on eggshells and get doubted and slammed every day. I want to be close. I need your help and a little trust from you.” More blaming partners can express their fears and also risk reaching for their partner. David’s wife, Sue, can say, “I am so scared of being let down, of going into freefall, but I need your reassurance. I have to know that I matter to you—that you will not let us lose each other.”

When couples can reconnect (or even connect for the first time!) in this way, immensely positive bonding events take place. Partners begin to see each other more fully and are more authentic and compassionate with each other. Their connection empowers each of them and opens the door to all the benefits that research tells us comes with secure attachment. Their way of engaging with their own emotions, their loved one and the world, which now contains a safe haven, shifts. The research on bonding suggests that as they make this kind of connection, lovers are likely flooded with the cuddle hormone, oxytocin. This is released during orgasm, breast-feeding or simply when attachment figures come close to us. Oxytocin is also linked to the release of dopamine, a natural opiate linked to pleasure, and down-regulates cortisol, the stress hormone. The neurochemical basis of bondingthe physical source of the calm euphoric feeling associated with loveis no longer a mystery. Once a couple can create these kinds of interactions, they can move into the final consolidation phase of EFT.

The practical application of attachment and associated research findings also leads into exciting new areas. It leads to a new understanding of how to create forgiveness for injuries in attachment relationships. A seven-step process has been outlined and tested (Johnson, 2004). New research also gives the therapist a guide to the integration of sex and attachment, helping us to understand Laumann’s recent survey results that the most satisfying sex occurs in long-term loving relationships. The passion of infatuation is perhaps just the hors d’oeuvre rather than the main meal. “Emotional presence and engagement are the keys to sex that remains thrilling, rather than seeking novelty or needing distance to spark desire” (see the chapter on this in Hold Me Tight). A new understanding of love also extends the reach of the couples therapist. EFT is used to create safe-haven relationships for those who are traumatized. If we can heal relationships, we can also create relationships that heal. A safe, loving relationship is the natural antidote to the emotional tsunami of trauma.

Sam and Kate: An EFT couples session

Let’s now look at some interventions in a small piece of couples therapy and see how all of this impacts the choices the therapist makes in a session. Kate and Sam are an older couple who have been very wounded in past relationships. Kate was wounded early by Sam’s reluctance, for the first few years of their relationship, to commit to her. He needed an “escape route,” to the point where she would feel humiliated and excluded by him, especially in social situations. They have come a long way. Sam is now expressing commitment and caring, but Kate just cannot bring herself to trust him and move in with him again. This session focused on addressing that impasse. Below is a list of a number of the interventions used and some examples of therapeutic interactions with Sam and Kate.

  • Validation is used to create a safe haven in the session for both partners.
  • Emotions are tracked, unpacked, and tied into key steps in the couple’s drama.
  • Responses are framed and clarified within the new understanding of attachment.
  • Profound core emotions are heightened and evoked to move partners into new, more responsive interactions.
  • New enactments are shaped to help partners move into interactions where each one of them can reach for the other and respond caringly to the other.

Sam: We are fine and then we are not. She just gets so upset. It’s like, “Go to jail, do not pass Go” for me. It’s disheartening. Then I get scolded about all the past injuries and crimes. (He shrugs and throws up his hands.)

Therapist: (Chooses to focus on process—Sam’s emotions and how they move him in the attachment dance.) You feel disheartened, and like you are being scolded. Kind of hopeless, then? So then, what do you do here? Is this one of these times when you, as you have said, try to “explain,” give reasons for past actions, and end up “stepping back” a little? (Sam nods and so does Kate.) That must be so hard for you, Kate. (Therapist actively reflects this couple’s attachment pattern, validates and empathizes to create a safe haven in the session.)

Kate: I still don’t feel heard. I was expendable to him—I am hurt. (“New research on hurt finds that is it a mixture of anger, sadness and fearthe fear of being excluded, abandoned and rejected.”) We have talked lots but it doesn’t change. And then we went to that party on Saturday and then we fought. The hurt goes on forever. So I just say, “Just leave.” (She weeps bitterly.) Some days I see that he is struggling to be there, but . . . then we just withdraw from each other. I can’t trust and he just gives up on us.

Therapist: Some part of you sees that he is fighting for you, (she nods). But these moments–this hurt is still triggered and hits like a tsunami (heightening primary attachment emotions). The hurt is sadness? (She nods). There is some anger, and a terrible sense that this is unbearable. The only answer is for him to leave and you to protect yourself, not let him in? The hurt will go on and on–that is the scary part.

Kate: Yes. It’s sad and it’s terrifying. I will never feel safe here. I can’t risk with him.

Therapist: (Using the map of attachment emotions.) There is a panic. Can you feel that fear right now? (Kate murmurs that she does.)

Kate: It’s like I am in freefall.

Sam: I try. I try to tell you that I am here, that I want you to come to the party with me. I know that in the past parties were like a minefield. I know I kept you at arm’s length. Now I try to reach out to you, but you don’t trust it. So what can I do? (He again throws his arms up in the air and turns away.) You are so attractive, so competent. You are dangerous for me too.

Therapist: Sam, I want you to stay here right now—not turn away and get discouraged. I know it’s hard to be holding out your hand to Kate and have her not able to really reach out and take it. That takes courage. But can you see that she is scared? Lots of past hurts and fears are right there for her in these moments. (His fears are validated and Kate’s responses are clarified in the light of attachment vulnerabilities.) Can you tell her, “I want you to be with me at the parties; I want to reassure you and have you take in my caring, feel safe”? (Highlighting the attachment message, the invitation, coming from Sam.)

Sam: (Turns to Kate) Yes. Yes, I am reaching from my heart. (He puts his hand on her arm.)

Therapist: Kate, can you feel Sam’s hand on your arm? (She shakes her head.) You can’t feel the warmth in his hand? (She shakes her head again.) You are so scared that you go numb, is that it?

Kate: I go numb. At the party the other night, I was numb. So scared that the old scenario would play out. He would move away; act like I wasn’t his lady. My facade works but underneath . . .

Therapist: You are just so very scared of being hurt again, of feeling unimportant, expendable. (Kate nods.) So you numb out. You can’t feel his warmth then. You can’t take in his reassurance. Then he gets discouraged and begins to express hopelessness and that confirms your fear. Can you tell him, “I am so very scared of letting myself hope, of beginning to feel and need you again”?

Kate: (To Sam) I am just so scared. I want to believe that you are with me now, but when we do stuff like go to a party, all that old hurt comes up and I just numb out. Then when you do touch me, it’s like you are a million miles away.

Therapist: How can Sam help you, Kate? How can he help you with your fear, your doubt? (“Don’t know,” Kate murmurs.) Can you look at him? Do you see that he cares, that he doesn’t want you to be hurt or afraid?

Kate: (Looks at Sam intently.) Yes, I see that. I need him to listen to that old hurt I have and help me with it. I need him to help me heal it and to reassure me that it is okay to begin to put my trust in him again. (Suddenly she smiles and he moves closer and smiles back at her.)

Sam: Well, then that is what we will do. I am not sure quite how to do it, but here I am. (She leans forward and folds herself into his shoulder.)

In this moment, Sam offers Kate a felt sense of connection, and I see the neural duet that researchers describe when they speak of mirror neurons firing in the brain so that we feel within our bodies the moves and emotions of another. This sense of felt connection seems to create a state of resonance that physicists speak of. “In this connected state, two particles vibrate together and move into exquisite coordination, a natural synchrony of matching rhythms and responses, where intentions and moves are transparent and perfectly anticipated.” This kind of engagement can be seen in joyous moments between mother and child, father and child. It is also part of these moments between adult lovers such as Sam and Kate. This is perhaps the essence of love.

So, yes! couples therapy has changed. It is changing into a rich scientific discipline that has a central place for love and attachment. We have reached into outer space, to Mars and beyond. This science of human connection changes everything, allowing us to reach into the space within and between us… for the better.

Seminal References

Mikulincer, Marion and Shaver, Phil (2007). Attachment in adulthood. Guilford Press.

Johnson, Sue (2008). Hold me tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little Brown. (Or visit the Hold Me Tight website for more info.)

Johnson, Sue (2004. 2nd Ed). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Brunner/Routledge.

Notes

1Panksepp,Jaak. (1998) Affective Neuroscience:The foundations of human and animal emotions. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

2Fraley, C., Fazzari, D., Bonanno, G., & Dekel, S. ( 2006) Attachment and psychological adaptation in high exposure survivors of the September 11th attack on the world Trade Center. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32, 538-551

Letting the Patient Matter: Some Thoughts on Irvin Yalom’s View of the Therapeutic Relationship

In his recent book The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients, psychiatrist and writer Irvin Yalom recalls a poignant encounter with one of his cancer patients. The woman is embarrassed by her hair loss after chemotherapy, and during one of her therapy sessions, she reveals that she would like a sign from Yalom that her baldness does not repulse him. Yalom, who has always admired this patient for the intelligence that illuminates her features, tells her he's not repulsed at all. In fact, he asks if he can act on his impulse to run his fingers through the lovely gray strands of hair remaining on her head. The result is a warm, intimate moment that is cathartic for both.

Such moments, related in his latest book, The Gift of Therapy, serve as vivid arguments for breaking down the walls that separate patient and therapist. Directed to a new generation of therapists and their patients, Yalom is a keen advocate for unmasking the therapist. One of the main reasons that patients fall into despair is that they are unable to sustain gratifying relationships. According to Yalom, therapy is their opportunity to establish a healthy give-and-take with an empathetic counselor; one who is not afraid to show his or her own vulnerabilities.

Opening the Secret Door

A professor emeritus of psychiatry at Stanford University and the author of several widely read books and novels on psychotherapy—including the best-selling therapeutic memoir Love's Executioner and various classic textbooks on group psychotherapy and existential psychotherapy—Yalom's insight into this world throws open the secret door to therapy, both for counselors and the patients who visit them.

What we see behind Yalom's door is a far cry from the stereotype of a therapist. From comic strips to Hollywood features, the analyst is often portrayed seated behind a desk or a notebook, literally out of reach and out of sight of the person being analyzed. “As patients, we perceive that person sitting across from us as a powerful and impenetrable figure, yet we're expected to reveal ourselves up to their scrutiny.” Within the charged atmosphere of the 50-minute therapeutic hour, our psyches are exposed, while the therapist maintains an enigmatic mask.

This may be the traditional model of psychoanalysis, but Yalom challenges it as ineffective and ultimately unhealthy. Real treatment, he says, requires an intimacy between therapist and patient that is born from a solid bond of trust. After all, a patient regularly entrusts a therapist with intimate revelations, so the therapist must be able to respond with true spontaneous empathy rather than stock therapeutic phrases. Nor does empathy evolve in a vacuum. "Friendship between therapist and patient is a necessary condition in the process of therapy," says Yalom, and he encourages the therapist to "”let the patient know that he or she matters to you.”"

When a Patient Spells Trouble

Sometimes letting the patient matter can be a challenge. In his book Love's Executioner, Yalom describes an incident with an Argentine patient who is in the last stages of incurable lymphoma. Because "Carlos" was isolated and depressed, Yalom sent him to a therapy group led by a female colleague, thinking that Carlos might form some personal connections to help him through the challenges of his last months of life. Instead, Carlos' obsession with the female patients alienated everyone in the group. After several of the women brought up their painful experiences with rape, Carlos voyeuristically interrogated them about intimate details and then declared the assaults "no big deal." Furious, the therapist asked Carlos to leave the group.

Although repelled by Carlos' behavior, Yalom persuaded the group leader to let him work with him to see whether he might be able to change his attitude. Carlos defended his prurient interrogations to Yalom, leering that, "All men are turned on by rape," and "If rape were legal, I'd do it . . . once in a while." Sitting in silence for a few minutes, Yalom wondered whether Carlos was as depraved as he sounded, or whether his crudeness was partly bluster. "I was interested in, grateful for, his last few words: the 'once in a while,'" he recalls. "Those words, added almost as an afterthought, seemed to suggest some scrap of self-consciousness or shame." Knowing that his patient was close to his teenage children, Yalom decided to turn the tables on him.

"All right, Carlos, let's consider this ideal society you're imagining and advocating. Think now, for a few minutes, about your daughter. How would it be for her living in this communitybeing available for legal rape?" At that point, Carlos' macho mask begins to crumble. He winces visibly and stammers that he wouldn't like that for her. What he wants, he says, is for his daughter to have a loving relationship with a man, and to have a loving family. Again, Yalom presses him to confront his own words: "But how can that happen if her father is advocating a world of rape? “If you want her to live in a loving world, it's up to you to construct that world—and you have to start with your own behavior.”" The discussion was so difficult for Carlos that he became faint, but shortly thereafter he was able to change his cynical approach to other people. Following this breakthrough, he was able to rejoin the group that had rejected him and, in the months before his death, to enjoy a number of close, supportive friendships with the women and men there.

Therapist Blunders and Breakthroughs

As in any other intimate relationship, Yalom feels that it is important for both parties to admit when they have made an error or blunder. He notes that when he has owned up to his own limitations and lack of understanding, it has often led to an important breakthrough in therapy.

Such was the case when Yalom found himself extremely uncomfortable while counseling a chatty, obese woman suffering from depression—another story he relates in Love's Executioner. He takes us through his challenging journey to understand his resistance to treating "Betty," beginning with his family and its line of "fat, controlling women," to his need for a scapegoat in his high school years in racially segregated Washington D.C., in which he was regularly attacked for being white and Jewish. (Yalom recalls that he, in turn, could look down on the "fat kids": "I supposed I needed someone to hate, too," he reflects. "Maybe that was where I learned it.") In the process of therapy, Yalom persuades Betty, who deflects most of his questions with a joke, to stop trying to "entertain" him and to talk about her life with the seriousness it deserved. When she does, he eventually conquers his discomfort and comes to feel an enormous respect and liking for his patient. And, after some months of treatment, Betty is able to overcome her depression and achieve a more comfortable weight for herself.

A Doctor Making House Calls?

Yalom's personal involvement during therapy doesn't stop with sharing his own biases. By occasionally visiting patients at home, Yalom says he has learned important information that he's been able to put to good use in therapy. For example, one severely depressed patient was for months unable to move beyond the initial phases of grieving over his wife's death. When Yalom made a house call, he found that the patient had so saturated his environment with material reminders of his wife—to the point of keeping the ratty sofa where his wife had died on prominent display in the living room—that his own personality had all but disappeared.

Together, patient and therapist worked out a series of changes in the house that would help free the patient from some of the invisible chains that bound him.

Patient as Fellow Traveler

Because building trust and intimacy takes time, Yalom is critical of the current trend towards short stints of behavioral therapy. While they may work in some instances, he allows, there is no substitute for ongoing, weekly sessions in which a caring doctor and a troubled patient engage in a "dress rehearsal for life." Although the "life" in question is usually the patient's, Yalom feels that if change does not occur in the therapist as well, the therapist is not working effectively.

Forty-five years of clinical practice have led Yalom to note that “the patient and therapist are "fellow travelers" in therapy—they're both human beings dealing with essential problems of existence and must work cooperatively to solve them.” The therapist must be able to "look out the other's window." Learning to actively empathize with a patient's experience is the most important gift a therapist can give a patient, Yalom says.

Certainly the world of analysis and therapy have changed dramatically from the days of glorifying the neutral, distant and emotionally removed therapist with a pipe in hand. In particular, Yalom's works pose a far-reaching question: Is it time for psychoanalysts and psychotherapists to reveal more of themselves to their patients? And, in addition to challenging their patients to grow, should they remember to treat them with empathy and simple human kindness beyond that of the detached professional caring? In The Gift of Therapy, Yalom makes the brave assertion that the therapist is responsible for bringing his or her own humanity to the forefront of the therapy. After all, this may be the most valuable gift that the therapist can offer the client.

References

Yalom, I. D. (2002). The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients. NY: Harper Collins.

Yalom, I. D. (1989). Love's Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy: For Anyone Who's Ever Been on Either Side of the Couch. NY: Harper Perennial.

This article is adapted from an article originally published on the Consumer Health Interactive website (www.yourhealthconnection.com) (2002).

Food for the Soul

A Call and Response to Feed My Soul

It is easy to know when the body needs food: our stomach growls, our energy level drops, or that "time of day" creeps around. But how do we know when our soul needs food? Do we take more vacations internally? Do we wish or want to be somewhere else? Are we available to hear the hunger call from the soul, and if we hear it, how do we respond as psychotherapists? How do psychotherapists feed their souls?

Do we go on a retreat, meditate, vision quest, make a pilgrimage, snorkel, travel, read, garden, or just unplug the phone and computer and stay home in the solace of our own bedroom? What satisfies one will not necessarily satisfy another. It reminds me of ordering a meal with a friend and then asking, "Where did you find that on the menu?" Not that I especially wanted what she ordered, but I did not even see it.

What continually calls to me the loudest is what I have come to know as my soul call. Listening to the call is the essential ingredient. Sometimes, the call comes several times before I respond. I imagine that the soul leaves messages on my inner answering machine. Russia started calling to my soul about four years ago. Jim Bugental asked me to help train some Russian psychologists who were coming to California for a few weeks. It was a challenge that I met with enthusiasm.

Inside, I held a deep curiosity about Russians. Since childhood, I had viewed them as a mystery. Russia was also a scary place for me as a child—a place full of people who had the power to scare me into the basement of my school, make me cover my head, and pray their bomb would not fall on my school.

There was never a bomb dropped. Instead, my curiosity was engaged. Who were these people my parents and other adults feared so much? That nagging question began to be answered during this training. I engaged in many conversations with the Russians as their teacher in various classrooms and over coffee. It was clear we had many things in common. They were very gracious people and extended an open invitation for me to visit their country. The Russians were no longer a mystery, but individuals, with concerns very similar to my own: children, education, health, money, growing old, losing, gaining, and all the other multiple facets of the human condition.

It felt good to have a general invitation, but I remember clearly saying I had no interest in going to Moscow; perhaps I would like to go to St. Petersburg to see the Hermitage, the great art museum. There was really no depth to my response. I was surprised at my reaction, because travel has always fed my soul. I enjoyed the students very much, but felt no great internal push to pursue going to Russia at that time. However, a message had been left on my inner answering machine, to be retrieved in time.

Several years passed and Bugental gave me another invitation. This time it was to teach existential-humanistic psychotherapy in Russia. Now my reaction was completely different. Meeting this opportunity appealed to me. This time I answered yes to going to Russia.

Why was I open? There, from inside, a real push had manifested, a yes. How could I know what this yes was about? Was it an ego call or a soul call? Where was this yes coming from in me? Since there was little money and little recognition involved, the inner pushing did not have the feeling of an ego call.

What is a soul call? The calling is uniquely expressed in many traditions, such as the Buddhist's dharma (duty) and the Greek's daemon. I have come to respect that for each of us the call and the response is unique. There are many ways of responding to a soul call. The need to satisfy physical hunger is present daily in each of us. The push to satisfy soul hunger seems to be more evident in times of loss, life crises, conscious searching, or "wake-up calls" (at the least expected times). Such unexpected calls can happen as a child darts in front of our running car and we slam on the brakes. Several of these calls in one day usually trigger self-reflection. Is there a message in these events? If so, what is it? What do I need to look at and attend to?

Life circumstances might be comfortable or paradoxically chaotic, when a soul call comes. The Russian invitation came at a time of comfort in my life. It was a wake up-call for me—an invitation to move out of my comfort zone, to seek nourishment for my soul in a foreign land. I knew pilgrimages as a deep form of nourishment for my soul. I had been a pilgrim to the East: India, Turkey, and European countries. Now everything in me said yes to Russia. There was a subtle feeling to the yes, as if a hint were being whispered into my ear. I felt deeply excited.

A Call to Adventure

Joseph Campbell wrote in The Hero with a Thousand Faces that the hero's journey begins with the call to adventure: "The call rings up the curtain, always, on a mystery of transfiguration—a rite, or moment, of spiritual passage, which, when complete, amounts to a dying and a birth." Was this journey to Russia a hero's journey? Other psychotherapists had certainly made this journey. Were their journeys rites of spiritual passage? I had no idea at the time. Many months later, I knew this journey was definitely a spiritual feast for me. This call to adventure called upon all the stuff I am made of and more. Everything I taught, I lived.


Moscow River

The first leg of the journey required my becoming adept at the great nineties voyager, electronic mail. Everything was arranged by e-mail. The fabric of trust and responsibility was being woven through this electronic medium. There was only one vital piece missing: what did my colleagues in Moscow look like? We had not met in person. I did not think about this human fact until I got off the plane and found no one there to meet me. I quickly reassured myself. I remembered sending a video of myself. They should be able to recognize me. The fact remained that no one was there to meet me.

I began to feed my fears by reminding myself of the ruble crisis. Then my mind would quickly switch to reassurance. I had received no e-mail telling me not to come. The voice of fear would come for more food. I would feed it with excellent morsels. Maybe the e-mail had failed. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. I could even go a step further and say this whole journey was stupid.

I was at the point of mental exhaustion when a striking blonde woman emerged from the crowd. She looked at me and said in clear English, "Seminar, seminar?" "Oh yes, yes, seminar," I gleefully responded. We politely shook hands. The truth was that I restrained myself from embracing my apparent rescuer. Needless to say, I had no clue of the fears yet to manifest to my waking consciousness.

In broken English, I was introduced to a gentleman who I understood was the professor who had been e-mailing me. We laughed about our e-mail. In very broken English, they asked where the other person was. I explained with the help of my fingers that there was only one, never two. We proceeded to the sidewalk with my luggage. I was then informed that the seminar started that night. I remembered that this was not what we had arranged, but let this communication pass as the language barrier seemed impossible in my tired state. First, they would take me to my hotel. As the door to the car opened, I communicated as clearly as possible that in the last e-mail, we had confirmed my staying with the professor and his family. They confirmed this was absolutely not true as I stepped back from the car. The woman then said in very clear English, "Football seminar!"

I responded, "Psychology seminar!"

All communication stopped as they rushed back inside the terminal. As I stood on the sidewalk with my luggage and looked inside the distant terminal, I had no clue about what was to come next. I could not help but laugh as I thought of missing my son's football game that day. And yes, if I had come for the football seminar, I might actually get some fame and money. My journey was definitely not one for the ego. At this point, I would need some heavy reliance on my soul.

It was certainly an existential moment. What were my choices? I decided to return to the terminal and wait by my arrival gate. As I pulled my bag, I looked into the terminal. For the first time, I had the very sharp awareness that the area I was walking into was filled primarily with men. There were very few women. The voice of fear came up. What am I doing here? This time a layer of courage and determination that I knew I could depend upon emerged over the fear. I had come to know this part of myself in many other circumstances in my life. I knew I would be fine. I could meet this situation with quiet resolution.


(L. to R.) Dr. Myrtle Heery,
Dr. Anatolii Naminach,
Dr. Elena Korablini in Moscow

Within minutes after I got to the gate, another blonde woman arrived, and said to me, "Seminar?"
This time I responded, "Psychology seminar?"
She smiled and immediately hugged me. I felt a physical relief for both of us as we stood for a few seconds longer in our shared hug. In excellent English she said, "Myrtle, welcome to Moscow. I am so sorry we are late. There was a terrible traffic problem."
The story of my arrival would be told and retold in Russia and America. It would be a central thread in my adventure. In so many ways, all of the human emotions that needed to come out of me did during this airport experience. My fears, doubts, mistrusts, excitement, humor, and hopes were all present. My ability to make choices, to take responsibility, and to recognize the limits of my situation were all present. The knowns and unknowns were present. My capacity to fully live the present moment was supported by a deep reverence and trust for life. I had answered my soul's call.

How are we to build a new humanity? Reverence for life. Existence depends more on reverence for life than the law and the prophets. Reverence for life comprises the whole ethic of love in its deepest and highest sense. It is the source of constant renewal for the individual and for mankind.


Dr. Anatolii and Larissa Naminach

Reverence for Life

The seminar in Moscow was held in a spacious, light-filled room across from a monastery, where tourists regularly step out of large tourist buses to visit. In the monastery across the street time was marked with prayer and chanting by the monks, while our time was marked with psychological exercises searching the inner worlds of the participants. In each environment—the monastery and the seminar room—there was an atmosphere of reverence for life. The pilgrimage to the monastery brought to my mind my pilgrimage to Russia—my search for meaning in my life. In this moment of great unknowns in Russia, I, along with the other participants in the seminar, was searching for meaning. Both the monastery and the seminar held a simultaneous unspoken hope, a reverence and caring for human life.

The ruble was crashing and there we sat faithfully searching. I had read in the American newspapers how there was an atmosphere of great fear and insecurity in Russia.

No one knew what would happen next. In spite of the uncertain economic moment, we had a full house and participants came dressed in their finest, ready to take part. I wondered if the same seminar would even fill given a similar economic scenario in America. Dr. Naminach, my host in Moscow, and his staff were organized, caring, and eager to learn. Bugental's book, The Search for Authenticity, had just been published in Russian and was available at the seminar. There was an air of excitement.


Colleagues in Moscow

The participants seemed fully capable of holding the dichotomy of outer economic insecurity and exploring their subjective inner lives in the moment. Their presence and eagerness to explore their subjective worlds moved me. I found myself humbled by the courage, intensity, humor, love, and genuine goodwill of the individuals who organized and attended my seminar. As my eyes scanned the audience, I had the experience of looking into many souls; language was not a problem. The first day, a delightful man named Deema translated for me. He had translated for Carl Rogers and Virginia Satir when they came to Moscow in the '80s. I felt both honored and humbled as he reminded me they both died about a year after he translated for them. This delightful man reminded my ego that in his previous experience, fame had been quickly followed by death, lest my ego become too puffed up with importance. He had a twinkle in his eye as he mentioned the fact of death. We laughed about the possibility of my death and settled quickly into a very somber recognition of the reality of my death, his death, and everyone's death—a topic not easily mentioned in my country. Humor marked with serious intent became a familiar paradoxical theme while I was in Russia. The Russians had the gift of taking a very serious matter such as death, throwing it up in the air with laughter, and letting it fall to the earth with all the gravity of life.

The work of mobilizing concern for what truly matters for the individual—an essential part of the therapeutic hour in my private practice in the U.S.—was not an issue in Russia. These were already in place due to the difficulties of daily survival. The elements that did need addressing were choicefulness and responsibility. To begin to see choices was difficult, but taking on the responsibility of a choice seemed monumental for the Russians. This underlying theme was palpable.

There were, of course, the usual human problems of relationships, children, work,


Russian Orthodox Church
St. Petersburg
betrayals, losses, aging, isolation, and death. Nothing on the surface seemed new, yet I knew I was definitely someplace and somewhere new. I grew up in a democracy where external freedoms have been abundant all my life. These external freedoms were a vastly new world construct to these people, and their inner selves were grappling with new systems of being in their world.

There was the long history of Stalin, Lenin, and of communism. These external systems had led the individual. Like it or not, the government told you what, when, and where to be and do. Now people had the freedom to choose, or did they? What I immediately found was that people were hesitant to take on the awesome responsibility of their lives. Now they were eager, but so many obstacles were lurking. I did what Bugental refers to as a live demonstration of our work. A volunteer from the participants would sit with me for 15 to 20 minutes and work on a concern in front of the group with me. This is not "hot seat" work from Gestalt therapy. The Russians were very familiar with gestalt work and wanted to know if this demonstration would be the same. I shared that it was not. In fact, it could be a cold seat, if that was how the participant wanted to use his or her time. The choice is made in the moment. It is a time of genuine presence for both the therapist and the volunteer. Of course, there is an element of being on stage, but I have done this so frequently that I know from experience that the audience very quickly melts and the work in front of me becomes enlivened in the moment.

I referred frequently to Bugental's forthcoming book, Psychotherapy Isn't What You Think, which I helped edit. In response to the live demonstration, the participants said it was not what they had thought it would be. These demonstrations seemed to help the participants help each other later working in pairs. The focus of the work is the moment. Psychotherapy is the lived moment, not history-taking and interpreting. In the demonstrations I continually brought each person into the moment. Sometimes I would access the moment by bringing awareness to physical gestures or citing a here-and-now emotion present in the volunteer. A simple example was my comment on one volunteer's laughter when she was with me. The awareness of that moment drew her into the next paradoxical emotion of sadness. She was eager and ready to search inside herself. Her searching took her through many emotions, images, and a decision to take action on a very difficult relationship. Another volunteer became acutely aware of crying from only one eye, a characteristic that she slowly chose to change. The ability to let both of her eyes cry echoed her need to let all of herself be present in the moment. It was frightening, yet she was able to make this courageous step in front of many people.


St. Petersburg Colleagues

Engraved on the Soul

In St. Petersburg, Dr. Korablini and her staff also proved wonderful hosts, fulfilling my dream of a visit to the Hermitage. The seminars followed a similar structure to those in Moscow and the accompanying excitement was also present. While working with me, one volunteer participant placed her hands in prayer position in silence for several minutes. I broke the silence by commenting that her hands were in prayer position. She nodded yes and continued. Raising her head and hands still in prayer position to the ceiling, she openly wept. I had no idea what she was weeping about, but the entire group, including myself, wept with her. It was a moment I will forever treasure. There were no words, just the physical gesture of prayer and tears streaming down her face. Much later, after the group came back from the depths of our individual souls, we accessed our spirits and flew together in the absolute delight of our unspoken experience. Perhaps, as James Hillman says, the soul is in the depths of our being while the spirit flies. We moved as a group through the depths of healing without words. The volunteer then told us she felt she could continue with the very difficult tasks confronting her life. This "soul holding" had enlivened her to be herself, to live her life with all she had available to her.

Soon after this experience I returned home, to my family, my private practice, garden, music, and dog. I sometimes see this woman's face and the faces in the group weeping together etched in my memory as I trim my roses, listen to my clients, or watch my child's soccer game. The tears have been engraved on my soul.

This article was originally published in the Journal of Humanistic Psychology, Vol. 42, #3, Summer 2002, 89-101. Reprinted with permission.

In Search of Self: My Therapy with Rogers, Satir, Bugental, Polster, Yalom, & Maslow

Have you ever wondered what would it be like to work with psychotherapists who most of us have only read about, heard speak at a conference, or watched on video? Like many psychology students, I have often pondered the question of what it would be like to meet with the masters in our field. At critical crossroads of my life, I have wished for the guidance of these sages. In my mind, over the years, I have assembled my own personal therapist dream team: Carl Rogers, Virginia Satir, James Bugental, Erving Polster, Irvin Yalom, and Abraham Maslow. (I suspect each of us could construct our own cadre of master therapists.) What these therapists have in common is that they all value the importance of self-determination, autonomy, and the intrinsic potential for growth. They all seek to provide the optimal conditions for individuals to heal and grow, despite the pressures and circumstances of life. By helping to remove any obstacles towards growth, these therapists empower individuals as they let go of their symptoms and engage more fully in their lives.

I have imagined what it would be like if each of these renowned professionals could share with me their unique approaches and help me understand myself, confront my struggles, and achieve my potential. I invite you to join me now, in eternal time and space, as I begin my psychotherapy encounters with my dream team. But first, here's a little background.

In Search of Acceptance

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a high achiever. My relentless drive for perfection earned me countless academic awards and recognitions. I knew that as long as I succeeded academically, I would be accepted in the eyes of others. Continuing to persevere, I earned a master's degree in chemistry from Stanford University. I was proud of my academic achievements, but I had always sensed that my heart wasn't  there.

For the next several years, I was on a mission to find my passion in life. Although I had not been successful in finding a fulfilling career, I was determined to find a relationship that would make me feel whole. Depressed and frustrated, I entered therapy when I could not convince my ex-boyfriend Brian to give me just one more chance. I was determined to be the person I needed to be so that he would accept me and come back into my life. I was convinced that if he could accept me, then I could finally be happy.

Carl Rogers: Conveying the Core Conditions

Rogers Intro: During Deb's first therapy session with me, she tearfully commented, "I have lost my direction in life, and I do not know where I am going." She explained that her job as a researcher was "just not me" but she did not know what else to do. She described how the security of having an income helped her overlook the reality that she did not enjoy the work. After the first half of the session, Deb started to describe her "on-and-off" relationship with her ex-boyfriend Brian.

Deb: From the moment I met him, I knew he was the person I had been searching for. We had so much in common and we seemed to understand each other pretty well. I remember him telling me how I was one of the few people who could really understand him and be on his wavelength. I still remember how nice it felt on our first date when I made him laugh. After that first date, I knew I was hooked.

Rogers: It sounds like that first date with Brian was a really special time for you. He recognized you as someone who could understand him, and when he laughed you felt as if he could really appreciate you.

Deb: Yes, that's exactly how I felt. And I felt so safe with him. I know this may sound kind of silly, but I took so much comfort in the fact that he was so tall and strong. When I was in his arms, it felt like nothing else mattered. Being with him provided me an escape from the rest of my life…and from myself.

Rogers: That does not sound silly at all. By escaping to Brian, you felt as if you could escape from your problems. But, in doing so, it sounds like you also lost parts of yourself.

Deb (crying): You're right. I used to feel so strong and have such a clear idea of who I was. But since I started depending on him to be the source of strength in my life, I've had no clue as to who I am. All I can think about now is doing what I need to do to get him back into my life again.

Rogers: Your tears show what a compassionate and sensitive person you are. I see how much pain you are in now, but I also hear how determined you are to discover your true self. Just the fact that you are here shows that you are ready to find your "direction in life."

Rogers Wrap-up: My main goal with Deb was to create a growth-promoting environment by helping her identify and remove the internal and external obstacles blocking her inherent growth. Conveying the core therapeutic conditions of accurate empathy, unconditional positive regard, and genuineness, I helped Deb realize and accept her congruent self and begin her growth process toward self-actualization. As Deb started to move in the direction of growth, I noticed she was developing openness to experience, gaining a trust in herself, developing an internal locus of evaluation, and demonstrating a willingness to continue to grow. She was beginning to discover her own strength—instead of escaping to that of her ex-boyfriend. During our final session, Deb mentioned that she was even considering her long-term goal of enrolling in a psychology graduate program.

Virginia Satir: Engineering the Self

Satir Intro: After attending one of my personal growth workshops, Deb approached me about helping her in the process of rediscovering and rebuilding her self. Always enthusiastic to help an individual in the area of personal growth, I agreed to see Deb right away. When I met with her during our first session, I had the sense that she had the motivation to grow, but she just needed a little direction to help her stay on her path.

Deb: I know that I should be ready to move on, but I still find myself feeling so sad over the end of my relationship with Brian. I wish I could just ignore my feelings, but it seems there's no escape.

Satir: I think that it is great you are so in touch with your feelings now. Maybe it would help if you could think of these feelings as the "juice" that keeps you in a whole piece and gives you the abilities to see better, to think better, to feel better. By owning these emotions, you can actually feel more alive.

Deb: That sounds much better than trying to fight these feelings. But as I am dealing with all of these feelings, how do I get unstuck? I just don't understand why I can't move on with my life!

Satir: Anytime we try to change something that has been a part of our life for so long, it's so tempting to stay with what's familiar. Often when we try to take one step forward, the familiar brings us right back. This struggle you are having is certainly a common one. Just ask anyone who has ever tried to quit smoking, or change any kind of habit.

Deb: That definitely helps me put things in perspective. But, how do you suggest I break my "habit"?

Satir: Changing oneself is one of the most difficult things in the world to do. I think the most important tools you need to have now are faith in and forgiveness for yourself. Your faith will help you move forward in your commitment to grow, and your forgiveness will save you during the backslides. I see just how committed you are, and I know that you're going to keep on moving ahead, and eventually you're going to be able to make it.

Deb: Thanks for the encouragement. But, I have to admit it's those backslides you just mentioned that scare me the most. I am just not sure how to find the strength and courage to move on when I feel like I've taken a step backwards.

Satir: The pulls back into the familiar are indeed powerful. If you find yourself doing the familiar, my advice would be to give yourself an "A" for being so aware. Then, you can give yourself the choice about what you want to do next. After all, you own yourself, and therefore you are the engineer of yourself.

Deb: Oh, I really like that idea. So if I don't like the way I am doing something, I have the choice to do it differently.

Satir: Exactly. I think the key to life is to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different. It's important to keep the part of the old that is still useful, and discard what is not.

Deb: So your advice is to change what no longer works, but to hold on to what still does. That means I don't have to completely start over.

Satir: That's right. You already have a great start on your journey. Let me read you something that I wrote a few years ago that may encourage you as you continue in your process of change: "I am Me. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive. I am me, and I am okay."

Satir Wrap-up: During our next sessions, I helped Deb to develop ways to cope with the ending of her relationship. I helped her understand that in our lives, problems are not the problems—coping is the problem. I pointed out to Deb that life is not what it's supposed to be. It's what it is. The way one copes with it is what makes the difference. She eventually saw the ending of her relationship as an opportunity for positive change, which would ultimately make her stronger for the upcoming "bumps in the road." Over the next few months, Deb developed the strength and self-esteem to directly confront many of the everyday challenges she faced in life. I enthusiastically watched her become stronger and stronger with each of these encounters. During our last session she admitted, "It's much easier to face a problem directly than to try to find the energy to avoid it."

James Bugental: Experiencing the Moment

Bugental Intro: Before she left for the Esalen Institute in Big Sur to develop their Human Potential Development Program, Virginia Satir referred her client Deb to me. She felt that Deb was beginning to trust herself and her feelings, and she thought that I might be able to help her tune into her "Wisdom Box" to access her inner truth. During our first few sessions, I realized that Deb was more in tune with the needs of others than with those of herself. Then, during our fourth session, we had a major experiential breakthrough.

Bugental: When you were in the waiting room, I noticed that something seemed different with you today.

Deb: Oh, really? That's interesting you sensed that. I think I'm okay…

Bugental: Right when I saw you, I had this feeling that you had contact with Brian this week.

Deb: Wow, you're right. I did. That's kind of freaky you could pick up on that!

Bugental: I notice you are shaking right now.

Deb: I am? Oh, you're right, I am. Maybe it is because my blood sugar is low or something…

Bugental: And?

Deb: So, you're right. I did see Brian this weekend. But, everything is fine. I feel totally in control, and I am not afraid of spiraling backwards again. I think I'm ready to have him in my life again.

Bugental: Did you realize that as you said that your leg started shaking even more?

Deb: Uh, yeah. I can't quite stop that.

Bugental: What do you think your shaking is trying to say to you?

Deb: I don't know.

Bugental: Can you ask it?

Deb: Well…maybe it's trying to tell me that I'm not ready to have him in my life again. Perhaps it's a reminder of all the pain I have been through before, and a warning not to go there again.

Bugental: It's almost as if his being in your life threatens your stability and "shakes" your foundation of strength, and even chips away at your bedrock of self-esteem. Does that sound right to you?

Deb: Wow, you know I didn't think of it that way. But, yes, there is definitely some truth in that.

Bugental: Now I see you're shaking even more. What are you feeling now?

Deb: Oh, so many feelings are going through me now, I don't even know where to start.

Bugental: What if you just close your eyes now and breathe in and out. Now imagine what your shaking leg is trying to tell you. With all of that energy, it must have an important message for you. Just concentrate on what it is saying.

Deb (tearfully): It is saying that it is time for me to be seen, heard, and respected. It is realizing that I've been so busy taking care of other people's needs that I have not been in tune with my own. Brian really has no respect for me, and I'm so sick of being a doormat!

Bugental Wrap-up: During my next several sessions with Deb, I assisted her in tuning into what she was experiencing in the moment. In essence, by helping Deb to focus on the present and become mindful of what was happening in the here-and-now, I helped her become more self-aware. Then, by reflecting her newfound awareness back to her, I assisted her in better comprehending her situation, and ultimately increasing her choices so she could begin to make a change. It was also essential for me to enter into Deb's world without disrupting it and changing her personal experience. I wanted to help Deb discover her own images, without intrusively bringing in my ideas. I also wanted to challenge her to look at her own attitude towards herself. This process was aimed at facilitating Deb in taking charge of her life, and ultimately claiming her power to engage in her journey toward self-actualization.

Erving Polster: Gaining Awareness through Gestalt

Polster Intro: I received a call from Deb, a graduate student in psychology, who was interested in learning about how my Gestalt approach might help her achieve a new level of awareness. She explained that she would like to get in touch with and unleash the anger that she had been internalizing all her life. I agreed to help in her process. Right when I met Deb, I sensed she was ready to get to work.

Polster: I'm wondering how you have been able to get in touch with your anger in the past.

Deb: To be honest, I've always been afraid of getting angry at people. It just seems more natural to keep it locked inside.

Polster: What if we could try something that might help you unlock this anger before it breaks down the door on its own?

Deb: I'd be up for that. But how would I do that?

Polster: How about you just imagine that Brian is sitting there in that empty chair right now. Get in touch with how you feel that he just entered and left your life again. What do you want to say to him?

Deb: Um, that I'm mad.

Polster: Tell it to the chair. And say it like you really mean it.

Deb (angry): You just don't have a heart. I was trying to understand how your coming into my life again could make sense to you. And then I realized you didn't just think—you knew, you totally knew, that you were going to come into my life for a limited amount of time, and then just leave. There was no thought in there of me at all except what I could do for you. It's all about you!!

Polster: That's it. Now go even deeper into that anger.

Deb: I just don't get it. And I'm just really mad that you could just come into my life again, and show me the side of you that I missed. Then, when you were no longer lonely, you just left my life again. I'm so sick of this!

Polster: Go to the core of your anger. What do you really want to tell him?

Deb: I've always been there to support you. I've never ever, ever let you down. I've always been there for you and there have never been any consequences for you. But you're never here for me, Brian! It's such a one-way thing. I can't count on you for anything except to be a fleeting part of my life. That's all that I can expect from you, and I'm done with you! I deserve better!!

Polster: Where is your anger now? Where do you feel it most? Let it out.

Deb (raising her voice): Stay out of my life! Stay out of my life, Brian!!!

Polster Wrap-up: Gestalt therapy served as an effective means for Deb to become more fully present with her unexpressed emotions. When she could be more in the "now," she developed a clearer sense about the growthful direction in which she needed to move—i.e., away from her ex-boyfriend—and her change naturally unfolded. Her previously alien anger was transformed into an acceptable expression, which ultimately led to new possibilities in her life. During the next few months, Deb's increased self-awareness enabled her to take back her power and restore her self-support. Her new awareness also allowed her to experiment with new behaviors, which, in turn, facilitated further growth. Deb realized that finally giving a voice to her anger allowed her to focus her energies on her interests and passions, instead of on her regrets and fears.

Irvin Yalom: Confronting the Existential Givens in the Here and Now

Yalom Intro: I received an enthusiastic email from Deb who explained to me how my book, Existential Psychotherapy, had made quite an impact in her life. Since she was living nearby, she expressed her desire to consult with me on her existential quest, and I agreed to meet with her. When we met in my office, I could not help but notice that Deb seemed a bit star-struck. (And, of course, I have to admit that this is indeed a nice reaction for a man in his 70s to encounter.) But these stars soon faded, and we got down to the business of her life.

Yalom: Hi Deb—it's really nice to meet you in person.

Deb: Wow, thanks. Uh, I'm feeling a bit nervous right now. I've been admiring your work for so long, and I just can't believe that you are right here in front of me now!

Yalom: It's nice to know that you've been able to appreciate my work.

Deb: Not to sound like a groupie or anything, but in many ways that book changed my life. Especially my ability to really begin to let go of a painful relationship I was having with my ex-boyfriend Brian.

Yalom: Now you've got me curious. What in the book helped you the most in being able to move on with your life?

Deb: Where do I begin? Let's see…well, your whole premise that underneath all of our motivations and experiences lies this "existential bedrock" which forces us to be aware, on some level at least, of life's existential givens of death, isolation, freedom, and meaninglessness, really hit home with me. At first this concept was just an intellectual one to me, but as I drank in each word of your book, I realized that these concerns lie at the origins of my major life challenges.

Yalom: Yes, I have observed time and time again how both on a conscious and unconscious level, these "givens of existence" constitute the core struggles of humankind. It is these ultimate concerns that provide both the process and content for therapy.

Deb: Your book convinced me of that! While I was in the midst of reading through the chapters on death, I did a lot of thinking—and dreaming—about death. In fact, one night I had the most terrifying nightmare that death was literally at my door, and I had to use all of my energies to protect myself from it. Until that dream, I did not realize how fearful I actually was of my own death. And, that's when I realized that my "death grip" on Brian represented my attempts to assuage my death fears by believing that he was my "ultimate rescuer" who would protect me from death.

Yalom: Wow, what an insight.

Deb: Interestingly enough, when I was able to confront the inevitability of my own death on such a deep level, I became more engaged in my life.

Yalom: That's the paradox of accepting death—although the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us.

Deb: I also discovered a similar paradox regarding existential isolation. I realized that my irrational quest for unconditional (and unrealistic) acceptance from Brian was actually a form of denying my existential isolation. But once I was able to confront the reality that I was ultimately alone, I have felt so much less lonely!

Yalom: As you've discovered, the fear of existential isolation is the driving force behind many interpersonal relationships. But true relationships do not use the "other" as the functional "it" to guard against existential isolation. Once a person can accept that they are ultimately alone and can not have all of their needs met by others, then they can develop richer, more tolerant, and more loving relationships based on a deeper sense of communion. When we are able to stand alone and dip within ourselves for our own strength, our relationships with others are based more on fulfillment, not on deprivation.

Deb: Wow, what a comforting thought!

Yalom: Indeed it is. It is only by facing aloneness that we can meaningfully and authentically engage with another. Love—although it doesn't take us away from our existential isolation—is our best mode for coping with the pain of separateness.

Deb: So in a sense, we are all together in our separateness.

Yalom: Yes, that's very true. We are separate but can still connect to each other.

Deb: In addition to helping me gain personal insight into the existential concepts of death and isolation, your book also gave me the opportunity to process my thoughts about freedom. Your concept of freedom—that everyone is ultimately responsible for their (and only their) life and has the choice to make (or not) decisions and change their life as needed—is pretty much the very core of my whole outlook in life.

Yalom: Good for you. I've found that many people are actually frightened by the concept of freedom which implies that beneath them exists a "groundlessness" lacking any form of structure. But you seem to have to come to a place in your life where you are accepting this freedom and realize that you can create your life by the process of feeling, wishing, willing, choosing, acting, and changing.

Deb: My recent realization based on this concept—that I am the one who is responsible for both my needless suffering over Brian as well my solution to search for alternatives that really honor who I am and what I want—has brought me an incredible sense of empowerment! Your idea that we are responsible for our own lives and well-being has become my new mantra!

Yalom: As I've always said, until one realizes one's own role in contributing to one's problems, there can be no motivation to change.

Deb: I'm a true believer in that idea! And the final section of your book on meaninglessness really gave me plenty of food for thought too.

Yalom: Oh yes, the riddle of the meaning of life…Since the beginning of time, people have struggled with the classic existential dilemma of seeking meaning and certainty in a world that can offer them neither.

Deb: I loved your idea of engagement in life as the antidote to meaninglessness.

Yalom: Yes—it's better to embrace the solution of engagement rather than become preoccupied with the problem of meaninglessness. I have discovered that one must immerse oneself in the river of life and let the question drift to the background, attending to it when necessary.

Deb: I completely agree. And, I've found that approaching life's inherent meaninglessness with the realization that it's up to each of us to create and aspire to fulfill our own meaning is quite a satisfying way to live.

Yalom: Wow, so I see that you have really explored these existential concepts in a way that makes sense for you. Sounds like you've been able to put theory into practice.

Deb: I think so. If the whole point of theory really is to serve as a foundation and help one achieve a sense of order and control in an otherwise chaotic world, then I think I'm finding mine!

Yalom: It is so nice to know that my books have been able to offer you so much insight into your life. Now, I'm wondering how that felt for you to share with me how much you've enjoyed my work and put it into practice in your own life.

Deb: Hey, that sounds like an attempt to bring our session back to the "here-and-now"!

Yalom (laughing): Okay, now I'm convinced that you may have read a few too many of my books. But it was a serious question. You must have had some image of what this would be like. So, how has it been for you to meet with me in person? Any surprises so far? Any disappointments?

Deb: I admit I was nervous prior to our meeting. I guess I was intimidated by all the books you have written, and by the fact that you're, uh, Yalom! I was hoping that I would not embarrass myself. But, much to my surprise, soon after we met, it was easy to open up and talk to you about myself and existential issues.

Yalom: So it sounds like you are pleasantly surprised that you feel comfortable talking with me. Anything else that you wanted to share today, but have not?

Deb: Well, let me think about that for a moment. I guess we have been talking a lot about existential issues and struggles I have dealt with in the past. Maybe I was trying to impress you with my knowledge (smiles sheepishly). But I have not revealed much about what I want to work on in my life now.

Yalom: I appreciate you telling me that you wanted to impress me. You have succeeded on that count! But it sounds like your desire to impress me might have gotten in the way of you sharing more pressing needs. Maybe I played some part in that as well, but we don't have much time left today, so maybe we should use that time to begin talking about what you would like to work on now in your life.

Deb: Yes, I would. This is little harder for me, but here goes…

Yalom Wrap-up: Deb continued to meet with me on a weekly basis until the end of the summer. As our sessions progressed, she focused less on intellectual topics and more on the here-and-now space between us. During our last session, Deb explained to me why our therapeutic relationship had been so valuable to her. With tears in her eyes, she told me that she could now truly understand my maxim of psychotherapy that "It is the relationship that heals."

She explained how she particularly enjoyed my approach where I saw us as "fellow travelers" in a world full of inherent tragedies of existence, and she appreciated how I could be both an observer and a participant in her life. She mentioned that although she had previously read how I entered each therapeutic relationship with openness, engagement, and egalitarianism, she was amazed to personally experience the true power of these therapeutic ingredients. Deb realized that what had been most helpful about our sessions was how my authenticity, genuineness, and transparency eventually allowed her to discover these same qualities in her self. I explained to her that this is precisely why I have always believed that therapist authenticity is ultimately redemptive. She also realized that my being able to enter into her world and see her as she truly was enabled her to do so herself. As she hugged me at the end of our last session she said "Thank you for giving me the gift of therapy."

Abraham Maslow: Journeying toward Self-actualization

Maslow Intro: When I ran into Irv Yalom at the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference, I mentioned to him that I was in the process of revising my book Motivation and Personality. After he got over the shock of seeing me (he really did look like he had seen a ghost!), I expressed to him that I have always enjoyed how his textbooks read more like novels with their captivating vignettes, and that I was currently using this technique to revise my text. When I mentioned that I wanted to work with people who were on their journey toward self-actualization, he told me he knew of a person who might be interested in meeting with me.

A few days later Deb called me, and her pursuit of self-actualization was evident right away. I decided that it would be helpful to meet with her a few times to discuss what was on her mind. I met with Deb for the first time after she just finished a day full of play therapy sessions with young children. I could not help but notice that she was sparkling—both literally due to all the glitter she had on her from doing art therapy with the children, and also figuratively from finding work that allowed her to shine from the inside out.

Maslow (jokingly): Wow, it looks like you're really getting into your work with the children!

Deb: Oh yes—and on so many levels too! I've always been drawn to children. When I'm with them, I just feel myself light up.

Maslow: And I'd guess that illumination lights the path for both you and them.

Deb: It certainly feels that way to me. I noticed that being able to see them has also given me the ability to see myself. When I was working with children at my school's expressive arts camp this summer, I discovered that what the kids needed most was to be seen, heard, and understood. Soon after, I realized that that's exactly what I need to give myself as well.

Maslow: So the work you are doing with children reflects and invigorates the work you have been doing with yourself.

Deb: Yes, I feel that what I have been able to provide the kids is also what I am learning to give myself. In the therapy room, I give each child the freedom to be themselves while I honor, reflect, and validate their individuality. In life, I try to give myself these same opportunities.

Maslow: It sounds like being in tune with the children has helped you to become in tune with you own inner voice.

Deb: Exactly. And, paradoxically enough, I'm discovering that listening to the child inside of me has been the best way for me to navigate through my life as an adult. Now I trust my feelings. If something doesn't feel right with me, I know that it's not. It is also increasingly clear to me when I am doing something that is congruent with who I truly am inside.

Maslow: That reminds me of the quote "To thine own self be true."

Deb: That quote really resonates with me. Before I started therapy, I measured my successes in education, career, relationships, and life choices through the eyes of others. I was motivated by external rewards. But now, I just follow my heart.

Maslow: It sounds like you have discovered that the only way for you to lead an honest life is by following your own inner truth.

Deb: Yes, that has been my most powerful discovery.

Maslow: How would you describe your life now?

Deb: Well, I feel like all of my life I've been carrying around these unopened gifts. And, now, I've reached a place where I can finally unwrap them. Being able to enjoy these gifts with myself and share them with others has given me such a sense of inner peace.

Maslow: Wow. You seem to have discovered your true self.

Deb: And, I'm happy to say that I really like my discovery.

Maslow Wrap-up: When Deb started on her therapeutic journey several years ago, she was motivated by what I have termed the "deficit needs," or "D-needs." Although her physiological and security needs had been met, she was struggling to fulfill her higher needs of love/belonging and esteem. Lacking a satisfying relationship as well as a sense of community, Deb was increasingly susceptible to loneliness and relationship difficulties. Furthermore, not feeling respected by others (or even herself at times) Deb experienced an all-time low in her self-esteem. Fortunately, through her hard work in therapy, Deb has been able to make changes in her life—including pursuing her graduate studies in psychology and moving away from her relationship with her ex-boyfriend—which allowed her to satisfy her love/belonging and self-esteem needs.

Since I started my work with Deb a few months ago, I have noticed that she has devoted herself to fulfilling her potentials. Instead of being motivated by deficits, she is now motivated by growth. Striving to satisfy her "being needs," or "B-needs," she has reached the self-actualization level of the hierarchy of needs. As she feeds these higher needs, they are becoming increasingly stronger, as is her desire to realize her potentials. Whereas Deb once relentlessly strove to gain the acceptance of others, she now enthusiastically thrives in being true to her own nature. Deb has recently discovered that what she can be is also what she must be.

Discovery of Self

My therapeutic encounters have inspired me in my search to discover more about myself. When I started my therapeutic journey, Carl Rogers' use of accurate empathy, unconditional positive regard, and genuineness facilitated my ability to begin to see my true self. Next, my sessions with Virginia Satir helped me to understand and embark upon the process of change. My sessions with James Bugental allowed me to recognize my unvoiced anger, while my Gestalt work with Erving Polster encouraged me to express this anger. After Irvin Yalom's book, Existential Psychotherapy, provided me a valuable framework for understanding my life, my here-and-now encounters with him allowed me to experience the healing power of the therapeutic relationship. Finally, my work with Abraham Maslow offered me an opportunity to reflect on and appreciate my journey toward self-actualization.

While it was my search for external truth that brought me to therapy, it was the discovery of my internal truth that brought me back to life. My therapeutic journey has allowed me to identify and overcome obstacles to my growth, while recognizing my inherent potential. By pursuing a path of self-reflection, self-examination, and openness to new experiences, I have been able to engage more fully in meaningful goals and fulfilling experiences in my life. As I continue on the path of my life, I take with me a greater sense of my authentic self that my therapist dream team helped me discover.

Resources on Deb's Psychotherapists

Branfman, F. (1996). "A matter of life and death." (Interview with Irvin Yalom.) Salon.
Retrieved November 20, 2006, from: http://www.salon.com/weekly/yalom960805.html.

Bugental, J. F. T. (1992). The art of the psychotherapist (1992). W.W. Norton, NY.
Zeig, Tucker & Theisen.

Bugental, J.F.T (2006). Existential-Humanistic Psychotherapy in Action. San Francisco: Psychotherapy.net.

Bugental, J.F.T (1997). Existential-Humanistic Psychotherapy, in Psychotherapy with the Experts Video Series. San Francisco: Psychotherapy.net.

Bugental, J.F.T (2008). James Bugental: Live Case Consultation. San Francisco: Psychotherapy.net.

Bugental, J. F. T. (1999). Psychotherapy isn't what you think: Bringing the psychotherapeutic engagement into the living moment. Phoenix, AZ: Zeig, Tucker & Theisen.

Bugental, J.F.T (1988). The search for authenticity: An existential-analytic approach to psychotherapy. NY: Irvington Publishers.

Maslow, A.H. (1968). Toward a psychology of being. NY: Van Nostrand Reinhold Company.

Maslow, A.H. (1987). Motivation and personality. NY: HarperCollins Publishers Inc.

Polster, E. A. & Polster, M. (1974) Gestalt therapy integrated: Contours of theory & practice. NY: Vintage.

Polster, E. A. (1990). Humanization of technique. Phoenix, AZ: Milton Erickson Foundation.

Polster, Erving (2006). Psychotherapy with the Unmotivated Patient. San Francisco: Psychotherapy.net.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). To be that self which one truly is: A therapist's view of personal goals.
In Rogers, C. R. (Ed.), Becoming a person (pp.163-182). Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

Rogers, C.R. (1977). Carl Rogers on personal power. NY: Delacorte Press.

Satir, V. M. (2001). Self esteem. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts.

Satir, V. M. (1988). The new people making. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books.

Satir, V. M., and Baldwin, M. (1983). Satir step by step: A guide to creating change in families. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books.

Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential psychotherapy. NY: Basic Books.

Yalom, I.D. (2008). Irvin Yalom: Live Case Consultation. San Francisco: Psychotherapy.net

Yalom, I. D. (2000). Love's executioner. NY: First Perennial Classics.

Yalom, I.D. (2003). The gift of therapy. NY: HarperCollins Publishers Inc.

Yalom, I.D. (2006). The Gift of Therapy: A Conversation with Irvin Yalom, MD. San Francisco: Psychotherapy.net.

Yalom, I.D. (2006). Understanding Group Psychotherapy, Volumes I – III. San Francisco: Psychotherapy.net.
 

Words Against the Void: Poems by an Existential Psychologist

EMPIRICALLY VALIDATED PSYCHOTHERAPY

What works in psychotherapy?
That's far beyond the likes of me. 
I've only practiced fifty years, 
and still am plagued by doubts and fears. 
I muddle on and try my best
to aid my clients in their quest 

for ways of being more alive,
somehow in spite of all to thrive.
I wish I knew the right technique
to give them more of what they seek.
The mystery of change persists
unsolved by dogged scientists.
I hope that they will soon impart
quick ways to heal a broken heart.
My efforts stagger, balk, and lurch
unguided by precise research
to tell me how to ease life's pains,
and thus flawed intuition reigns.
Pray science soon will guarantee
sure cures for human misery,
but meanwhile I'll do what I can
without a validated plan.

FREEDOM vs. DETERMINISM

Just reacting? Freely striving?
Blindly driven? Wisely driving? Who's the rider? Who's the horse? 
Who's in charge? Who charts the course? 
Sort your data, choose your theory, 
Argue concepts 'til you're weary.
Psychologize until you die—
While we argue, life goes by.

ALTERNATIVE

Most of your waking life
will be spent, one way or another,
worrying about your worth as a person.
Why don't you just make something up,
and right off the bat
be done with the whole problem?
There must be better things to do 
than fret about your relative merit

in the universe.
You could, for example,
blow clouds around the sky
to the delight of small children.


DECADE OF THE DREAM

The recent Decade of the Brain
I found was much too great a strain.
It burned mine out, and I am left
quite mindless and of hope bereft.
Now comes the Decade of the Gene,
a slogan that I find obscene.
I wish there were some persons still
who'd help me my frail dreams fulfill.
We need a Decade of the Dream
in which bright rays of hope would beam
down on our sordid human plight
and fill us with some healing light

SISYPHUS REDUX

This rock, this mountain, this man,
this futile perseverance—
what use is such a myth?
Sisyphus gets nowhere,
gravity always wins.
Go ahead, if you wish—
imagine him happy
with or without anti-depressants.
You might as well imagine
the rock is ecstatic
bouncing down the slope, defiant.
So is this struggle any use to us?
We are in it, and outside it.
We view it, and have attitudes.
We are not rocks, not mountains,
not sure we are Sisyphus.
We read the story,
see him sweat,
dodge the rock,
respect the mountain,
climb up to stand on Sisyphus's shoulders
and peer beyond, beyond.

You can read more of Tom's poems in his book, Words Against the Void: Poems by an Existential Psychologist, available at Amazon.com.

Existential Poems

Managed Care

Provide, provide some balm to ease our pain, bestow on us an angel's healing grace, an ample dose of Camus or Coltrane, an antidote to stop our lemming's race.
 
What's covered and what claims will be denied? Lear's madness now infects the entire race. Prescribe a cure to save the old man's pride, dispense a drug to save us from disgrace.

What medicine will cool our feverish brow? What X-rays show us where our souls are cracked? What treatment plan will clearly tell us how to find at last the love we've always lacked?

Third party payors tightly hold the purse, and terror grips us in our restless sleep. Who knows what charges they will reimburse? Salvation on this earth does not come cheap.

Tight economic limits rule the day, the bureaucrats will ascertain the price of rescuing we sheep who've gone astray, and short-term therapy must now suffice.

Be generous, while you contain the cost—Life's harder than we ever realized. We're floundering, our ark is nearly lost—Be merciful, if that is authorized.

Psychology

As I came into consciousness there was a war where millions died, and even when frail peace broke out life's anguish left me horrified.

I worked in mental hospitals, construction jobs and factories; I traveled where the war had been and contemplated tragedies.


Perplexed by what I'd seen of life, appalled by so much misery, I sought to understand the cause and thought I'd try psychology.

I hoped I'd find some people there who cared about the human soul, but learned instead it was our job to do "prediction and control."

And sure enough, some governments have found psychologists can aid in customizing torture skills, a job for which they're amply paid.

Not all psychology, thank God, is used for purposes so cruel, but much of what it's all about is tailored to a basic rule:

Whatever does in fact exist exists in some precise amount, and so our task is to devise precision tools with which to count.

Away with fuzzy-minded thought, away with sloppy sentiment—Pure science is the one true faith; the goal of life is measurement.

Do I belong in such a field? Can such a field put up with me? When questions such as these grow grim for refuge I try poetry.
 

Empirically Validated Psychotherapy

What works in psychotherapy? That's far beyond the likes of me. I've only practiced fifty years, and still am plagued by doubts and fears.

I muddle on and try my best to aid my clients in their quest for ways of being more alive, somehow in spite of all to thrive.

I wish I knew the right technique to give them more of what they seek. The mystery of change persists unsolved by dogged scientists.

I hope that they will soon impart quick ways to heal a broken heart. My efforts stagger, balk, and lurch unguided by precise research to tell me how to ease life's pains, and thus flawed intuition reigns.

Pray science soon will guarantee sure cures for human misery, but meanwhile I'll do what I can without a validated plan.

Acrophobia

"You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." — Ray Bradbury
 
Never having bravely jumped, I must admit that I am stumped. I don't know how to build a wing and am afraid of everything. I'd panic, shriek, and tremble if I found myself atop a cliff. I'd quiver, quake, and quickly run, 'cause that's not my idea of fun. At least I do not make a fuss like that pretentious Icarus. I'm cowardly confessing that I live my life down where it's flat, admitting with a mournful sigh, I'm terrified of getting high.

Healing Trauma Through the Body: The Way In is the Way Out

Suzanne: A Case Study

Suzanne* arrives in my office due to a long history of anxiety, mild depression, problems sleeping, and relationship issues. She is 43, successful in her marketing career, and divorced, with a child in high school. She is a tall woman, but something about the way she carries herself makes her seem smaller than she is. She is wearing loose, dark clothing that doesn’t reveal much of her body. As she walks into my office for our first session, I am struck by the animation in her upper body, but I notice that she moves awkwardly because of the tightness in her shoulders, neck and upper spine. As I invite her to sit down, I notice that her eyes shift back and forth as if she’s looking for something. She seems uncomfortable meeting my gaze and looks quickly down at the floor each time our eyes meet. I can see by the way her shirt lies that her solar plexus area is very tight. It is clear that this tightness prevents her from taking a full, deep breath. She seems to be fighting upward against gravity, as if attempting to levitate. At the same time, I see and sense very little connection to her lower body. Her legs are almost completely still; they appear lifeless and detached. This gives her a weak and tenuous connection to the earth. “It’s as if everything from above the waist is surging wildly upward, like a thousand bees swarming skyward, out of a hive, centered above her navel.”
 
She complains of rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, food sensitivities, digestion problems, and difficulty staying asleep. As she talks, I can hear her mouth is dry. It makes sense to me that she is experiencing anxiety—my understanding of how the nervous system works lets me know that her system is stuck in a constant state of fear and readiness. As a Somatic Experiencing® (SE) practitioner, I can tell that Suzanne is in a common feedback loop that occurs in people who are attempting to manage their internal nervous system dysregulation. Shallow breathing and tightness in her chest keep her body in a constant state of oxygen deprivation. This escalates the anxiety, so she tightens the muscles in her chest even more. I take a mental note—I’ll need to address this pattern.
 
Suzanne begins to tell me about a recent conflict she experienced at work with a male co-worker. As she describes the situation, she cries easily but not comfortably, trying to hold back the tears. When she does begin to cry, she holds her breath and squints her eyes tightly, as if trying to squeeze the tears back into her eyes. She swallows repeatedly and her shoulders tighten even more. She’s working hard to keep the emotions in check. At one point in her description, she chastises herself for being so reactive. “I should be able to handle these types of situations,” she says. “Instead, when there’s conflict, I get totally emotional. Even though my mind is racing with thoughts, I can’t do or say anything. I feel paralyzed. I don’t act like a competent professional. I just sit there and cry like a little girl.”
 
She looks down, rounds her shoulders, and holds her breath. I listen to her words and make a note of how she describes her experience, but I am especially paying attention to what her body is telling me. “As I listen to her, I’m receiving a lot of information about her by paying attention to my own bodily experience.” I feel a little breathless and pulled upward in my own body—I need to keep reminding myself to breathe, soften my belly, and feel my feet and pelvis.
 

Approach

It is obvious from the above description that my attention is heavily focused on the physical presentation of the client.  Of course, I am not ignoring the content of her narrative, but I am especially attuned to the story her body is telling. My approach is guided by the principles of Somatic Experiencing, developed by Peter Levine from his research into the stress responses of animals in the wild. Physiological responses to stressful situations arise from what is classically called the sympathetic or “fight-or-flight response.” Levine noticed that once an animal was out of danger, its body automatically shifted to “parasympathetic” rest and recovery with gentle trembling, shaking, deep breaths, sweating, and sometimes more aggressive fight-reenacting behaviors—a process called discharge. These behaviors reset the nervous system to a pre-threat level of functioning. This discharge cycle appeared to be essential to recovery: experts repeatedly told Levine that if animals were unable to complete the discharge process, they would die.
 
Given that humans should be equipped with the same restorative capacities, Levine pondered, what makes us different? What gets in the way of our recovery? 
 
Through hundreds of hours of client sessions, Levine began to witness how clients’ bodies told their stories of trauma, even if the clients had no specific memories. Once Levine guided them into the sensate experience of trauma, the body then took over and finished what was unprocessed, or incomplete, much like the animals he’d observed. Clients receive the added gifts of increased body awareness, a stronger connection to self, a shift in deep-seated patterns, a more regulated nervous system, and a sense of mastery.
 
Why do humans need to be guided at all? The biggest obstacle is how inattentive and unfamiliar we are with our physical sensations. Our big, sophisticated brains constantly out-think and override our bodily needs. We are trained to ignore signs of hunger, pain, discomfort, injury, danger, as well as pleasure, saturation, and fulfillment. What’s astonishing is how forgiving and responsive the body is. As soon as we tune into it, shifts begin to happen.
 

Getting Unstuck

Within my framework as an SE practitioner, Suzanne’s symptoms imply something in her system is stuck, unfinished. I can assume that during some traumatic experience in her past, she froze or was overpowered by someone or something bigger, stronger, or faster. 
 
Suzanne’s array of emotional and physical complaints is typical of autonomic dysregulation. Dysregulation shows up in basically two extremes: stuck “on” and stuck “off.” The former can manifest as anxiety, panic, mania, hypervigilance, sleeplessness, dissociation, attention deficit, OCD, emotional flooding, chronic pain, hostility/rage, etc. This is the sympathetic branch of the nervous system, responsible for moving us out of danger. When traumatic material is unprocessed, the residual activation keeps a person locked in a constant state of readiness and reactivity. The client has an ongoing sense that “something bad can happen at any moment.”
 
Being stuck off shows up as depression, flat affect, lethargy, exhaustion, low impulse/motivation, chronic fatigue, dissociation, many of the complex syndromes, low blood pressure. This is the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. In a healthy state of functioning, it is designed to bring the body back to rest and recovery after surges of sympathetic activity. When it goes awry, the system slows or shuts down too much, or “depresses” itself at the slightest trigger.
 
Clients may present with one extreme or oscillate between the two. At first glance, Suzanne presents more on the sympathetic scale, excepting her legs. I’ll want to guide her inward so we can begin to sense more deeply into her pattern.The goal of SE is to work through traumatizing events in non-traumatizing ways. If I can ease her through whatever defenses or strategies her body has taken on to manage the dysregulation, her body will take over and complete the necessary response that was not able to occur when she was initially traumatized. It will be part of my treatment plan with her to assist her body in feeling all possible impulses. She may want to cower self-protectively, defend herself, or run from the danger.
 
“SE therapists have to learn to watch, not just listen; to know when to slow down, when to point out and explore a physical response.” We must learn how to ask open-ended questions that invite curiosity about one’s experience in the moment. Our job is to support the client in accessing what is happening inside at the physiological level, and then to assist in the return to self-regulation. We are restoring the client’s system back to an organic level of functioning. The client grows in self-mastery, and the therapist is merely the guide.
 
SE uses a variety of techniques that are presented at a pace that helps the client to stay with every moment of the event without flooding, compensating or dissociating. Slowing everything down and keeping Suzanne focused on her bodily sensations will help us do this. It’s a bit like watching the event on a video, pausing at every single frame, and allowing each detail, emotion, sensation, bodily reaction, impulse, and defensive reaction to be felt and processed. Connecting to the physiological responses also prevents her mind from coming in and doubting or worrying.
 
In this sense, we can see that, for a traumatized person, going into the body and coming into contact with their physiological experience is the way out of their distressing symptoms. The way in is the way out. Many models of treatment focus on eliminating symptoms and behaviors, but SE takes the client into the symptoms knowing that the symptoms are the key to healing trauma. With Suzanne – as with all of my clients – I will begin my work with her wherever she is and with whatever her body is displaying in the moment. By focusing on one aspect of her physical sensations, we will be led into her body’s memory of the trauma. By moving slowly, and utilizing various techniques that prevent re-traumatization, her body will guide her through her own natural set of experiences, and gradually release the stuck pattern.
 

The Work: Careful Amplification, Attentiveness

To begin my work with Suzanne, I will want to take her into a direct experience of the physical sensations in her body. I first want to be sure that Suzanne has the capacity to work somatically with the material she is presenting. I will be able to assess Suzanne’s overall nervous system stabilization when I see how her body reacts initially as we begin to explore bodily sensations. I will also be able to get clear information on how she attempts to manage the sensations by watching her response to them. As she begins to feel her body, does she brace, collapse, tighten all over, hold her breath, dissociate, shut down, get angry or become judgemental?
 
As she is finishing her description of the conflict with the co-worker, she begins to tell me again of her general anxiety, in part, she says, because she can’t trust herself to respond in situations where she needs to. I feel as if this is a good time in the session to begin to tune into her sensations, so I ask her permission to explore her experience a little.
 
She agrees, a bit hesitantly, and I ask her to notice where in her body at this moment she is sensing the anxiety. She looks down and then says, “In my belly.” As she focuses her awareness on the sensations in her belly, she escalates quickly—her shoulders tighten, she holds her breath. She looks frightened. I remain calm and unalarmed because I have seen this many times. “Can you give me some words to describe the sensations?” I ask her. She puts her hand on her belly, and says, “It’s churning, hot, and it’s moving really quickly.”
 
At this point, “I know that I need to broaden her awareness and to help her know that she can touch into the intensity of her experience without becoming overwhelmed by it”, as well as to help her move her attention to areas of less intensity. To do this, I ask Suzanne if she can also notice the chair supporting her thighs, and the floor beneath her feet. My goal here is to build resilience and confidence, and dispel any belief Suzanne may have that she can’t handle this experience.
 
Secondly, by asking her to feel outside of an energetic hot zone, her body recognizes that there is more square footage for the intensity to inhabit. This naturally makes a little more space for the concentration of the sensations; they spread out. Thirdly, by contacting the periphery of her body, it helps Suzanne feel solid, reliable areas, which provide the sense of a container.
 
Suzanne closes her eyes and I see her body visibly settle into the chair. Her shoulders drop slightly, the muscles in her face soften and she is breathing more deeply. She seems to allow the chair to hold her a bit more, rather than holding herself up and off it. This is a very important moment and I want to grab it.
 
Suzanne looks up at me, surprised. I smile at her. “Tell me what you’re experiencing now.”
 
“Things are relaxing,” she says, her voice is softer and her words come out more slowly.
 
“What does relaxing feel like in your body?” I ask her. 

“My stomach has softened," she tells me. "I feel more air in my belly and I don’t feel as afraid.”
 
Another important moment. This is the first shift in Suzanne’s breathing pattern—a crucial element in the stuck anxiety pattern in her body. Remember, when breathing is rapid, tight and fast, it actually triggers the body’s fight-or-flight reaction. As the body goes into this reaction, the breathing becomes constricted, fast and shallow—a frustrating chicken-or-egg phenomenon. I want to expand on Suzanne’s feeling of being able to breathe. So I ask her to sense into her belly, noticing how it feels to have more air.
 

Relating to Anxiety

This experience lays the groundwork for Suzanne to be able to enter into intense sensations and then find a way to regulate them. I want her to really have a felt sense of this, so I decide to guide her into it a few times as practice. I ask her to consciously bring up something that triggers her feeling of anxiety, like her co-worker. As she thinks of him, the anxiety begins to rise again and I guide her into the sensations in her belly, then down to her feet. As we do this repeatedly, Suzanne discovers that if she moves into noticing her feet whenever the sensations of anxiety get too intense, she can stay longer and longer with the anxiety and the intensity subsides drastically.
 
I feel that we have done enough work in this area and I want to check in with Suzanne to see how she is handling this. Her face appears to be shining a bit; there is more blood flow and a pinker color to her cheeks and for the first time in the session. She smiles. I ask her about this. She looks a little sheepish, averting her gaze for a moment. Then she looks back at me and says, “This is cool. I feel so much more in charge.”
 
I want to anchor her bodily sense of being “in charge” so that she can access this when her anxiety arises. “I am hoping to help change her relationship to this anxiety—to become curious about it.” I want her to recognize that when she actually pays attention to it, at the sensation rather than emotional level, it usually subsides, rather than increases as most people fear.
 
This process of touching into her sensations of the anxiety, then shifting her awareness to the rest of her body, helping her notice any moments of settling or any shift that occurs naturally, is one of the many ways that SE supports the nervous system to re-establish its natural, inherent rhythm—one that flows seamlessly between excitation and relaxation, between contraction and expansion. This is the first step Suzanne and I have taken to restoring regulation in her system.
 

Unfinished Business

The second step we’ll need to take is to access what’s unfinished. Many traditional therapies focus on feeling, reliving, and ultimately putting behind many of the bad things that occur in childhood. While this can be an important part of the therapeutic process, and is definitely something I am concerned with, my SE orientation leads me to seek to explore this experience with Suzanne somatically. “By following the body’s wisdom, we are led to what didn’t get to happen in a client’s past.” We provide clients with the opportunity of re-doing the event—finding in the present the way that the body would naturally, organically respond if it was left to its own devices. This renegotiation is done almost entirely through visualization, and slow, intentional movements, deeply connected to sensations and procedural movement patterns. This allows the discharge process to complete, and the trauma symptoms are moved out of the body, while the nervous system is allowed to return to pre-trauma functioning.
 
To get to what is unfinished in Suzanne, I want to access the brainstem and the survival responses. The way in is via sensations, noticing physiological shifts, and sensing impulses. My work with Suzanne so far has tapped into a little (but not too much) of the activation, or the charge of the anxiety. Now it’s time to check in to the rest of her body—in particular her extremities. The extremities naturally spring into readiness and action when we feel threatened. When a person is unable to carry through with the impulse to flee or fight, these thwarted impulses interrupt hard-wired sensorimotor patterns. This is often the place where the system gets stuck.
 
Capitalizing on Suzanne’s feeling of excitement and mastery, I ask her if she’s willing to explore a bit further. This time, when she gives her assent, she doesn’t hesitate. I ask her to sense into the rest of her body to notice what else is going on.
 
She immediately reports, “I feel tightness in my legs and shoulders.”
 
Deciding to bring awareness to the less accessible lower body, I ask her to tell me where she feels the tightness in her legs. She reports feeling tension and tingling in her ankles and thighs. Suzanne’s lifeless legs indicate a parasympathetic orientation in her lower body—a common pattern in clients with a history of physical or sexual abuse, bullying, early surgical procedures, or any events that involve being restrained. Earlier she had described herself as “feeling paralyzed” and “crying like a little girl” in response to the conflict and perceived threat of her co-worker. It’s clear to me that at least some of this sense of paralysis originates in her legs. I encourage her to stay with the sensations and see what happens next as she does that.
 
“It’s getting tighter,” she says.
 
Wanting to gently encourage her, I murmur, “Stay with it, if that’s okay.” I see her legs jump and tense slightly and then become very still.
 
“I’m scared,” Suzanne says. “I want to move my legs, but I can’t.”
 
This is a very important moment in SE work—an experience that Levine describes as the brake and accelerator both floored at the same time—the core of the freeze response. It is high-level sympathetic mobilization, coupled with parasympathetic shutdown, similar to what happens when a circuit breaker blows when there’s too much charge going through a line. It will be necessary to separate the two impulses so that Suzanne’s defensive response can be completed.
 

Follow the Impulse

Before I can say anything else, Suzanne says again, “I’m scared. I know this feeling. This is like when my uncle would do things to me in the attic.”
 
While I am certain that we will need to explore the content that is beginning to naturally arise as a result of feeling into Suzanne’s sensations, at this point I want to stay grounded in her physiological experience. In my experience, if I chose to explore this reference to her uncle by asking her to tell me more about what happened in the attic, Suzanne would likely shift into an intellectual telling of the story. This would take us away from her body and what her body wants to do. In fact, her body has been telling this story from the beginning, now showing us the connection between her anxiety and paralysis in her conflict with her co-worker and her past experience of trauma.
 
I ask Suzanne if it’s okay to sense the energy in her legs.
 
She says yes, a little uncertainly. She pauses for a moment and then responds, “It feels very intense, like a strong humming feeling.” My initial impression of her “wild bee” energy seems accurate. I ask her to feel the energy and sense where it wants to go. I also ask if she can feel how she is holding it back. I encourage her to very slowly move her awareness back and forth between the wanting to move and the holding back. This technique helps to separate the conflicting impulses. 
 
Suzanne is alert and somewhat alarmed, but not overwhelmed, mostly because we have done good preliminary work earlier, where she learned to trust her body somewhat, and learned to trust her ability to handle intensity. As Suzanne tunes into the energy wanting to move, the holding begins to ease, and the impulse to move increases. I see her upper body relax slightly, while her legs begin to twitch. I point out the twitching in her legs and invite her to slowly feel that and follow what wants to happen. Her body wants to move in reaction to a threat (her uncle), but it can’t because the threat is larger, stronger and familiar. Several intense, involuntary impulses are happening at the same time: anxiety because of the danger, hormones racing through her system preparing for action, tightness and bracing in many parts of her body, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and shame, to name a few.
 
I can see underneath Suzanne’s clothes that her thighs are contracting slightly; her feet jerk almost imperceptibly upward. I also feel the readiness in my own body, which I experience as tension in my legs; my heart rate increases. I am feeling a sense of excitement in my  body—these impulses are contagious, and many-less experienced practitioners initially make the mistake of getting swept up in the sensations, unintentionally pressuring the client and causing resistance. Not wanting her to feel pushed, I sit back, settle into the chair, and move my attention back slightly, to allow her to experience her own impulses uninfluenced by mine.
 
I ask her to feel into the tightness of her thighs, and to sense her calves and ankles. They very slowly begin to move on their own, and I encourage her to notice that.
 
““My legs feel powerful and strong, like they could leap over any mountain,” she says, her voice sounding stronger and more commanding than I’ve heard it yet in this session.”
 
“Stay with those sensations of strength and power,” I suggest to her. I can see that she is enjoying the strength she feels. She pushes her feet down into the floor, her thigh muscles contracting visibly. I see that her feet and legs continue to move very slightly, this time with larger movements. I stay alert for signs of dissociation, bracing, breath-holding—anything that would indicate that too much is happening too fast.
 
As Suzanne continues to experience the movement of her legs and feet, she says, “It feels great to move them.” Her legs pump slightly beneath her seat. “ I don’t think I’ve felt my legs for years. Its like I’m coming into them.”
 
I ask her to tell me a little bit more about what she is sensing. “Heat. Waves of heat coursing through my legs.” Her feet and ankles continue to move as she describes this. I know that the release of heat is a sign that her nervous system is coming into a greater degree of equilibrium. To continue to expand on Suzanne’s experience of becoming unfrozen, I ask her, ”What does it feel like your feet are doing?”
 
“I can walk away. I know I can walk away. I can run away if I need to.”
 
Her legs begin to tremble very slightly. Her face is flushed, radiating pleasure. I know we have done plenty for one session.
 
At this point, it's time to process some of what we’ve done. We talk about her experience and I educate her a bit on the SE model I’ve been using, explaining the fight-or-flight process of the nervous system and what happens when those natural reactions are unable to be completed. She shares some memory flashes that arose during the running, and we talk about ways she can play with the process of checking into her belly when she feels anxious—moving between the sensations in her belly and the sensations in her legs.
 

The Next Step

Future sessions with Suzanne would focus on fine-tuning the newfound skill of sensing the anxiety somatically,  and learning how to recognize it, and settle it before it overtakes her. We would look at other situations in which anxiety shows up, such as in the work place or during  moments of conflict, and see if we can generalize the skill in other settings. We would explore the abuse by her uncle, concentrating on what is unprocessed physiologically and emotionally, especially incomplete defensive responses. SE therapists learn to trust the body, more than the memory or recall of events. We know not to assign meaning or assume causality to what arises in the therapy session. Details of events change as they are worked out at the somatic level. Memory is unreliable at best, but the body holds the key to what is unfinished and needing to heal. We focus on allowing those physiological responses to unfold, which makes room for the body to organically return to homeostasis.
 
In the SE model, we consider our work to focus on resolving the strategies for coping with nervous system dysregulation. This dysregulation can occur as the result of trauma, but may occur even in the absence of specific traumatic events—early attachment issues, for example. What is primary to us is to restore the nervous system to a natural state of regulation. To this end, SE is well integrated with many modalities of therapy, adding richness and depth to other methods that may have a more primary focus on the emotional or cognitive aspects of experience. What is most important about the SE way of working with a client is our focus on the physiological, the sensations, the body.
 
A wealth of information can be found at the Foundation for Human Enrichment web site. A comprehensive SE Training program is available for those seeking to learn how to apply this method in their work. A vivid demonstration of SE is seen in Resolving Trauma in Psychotherapy: A Somatic Approach.

Family Therapy with Families Facing Catastrophic Illness: Building Internal and External Resources

Ten years ago my late husband Ronald William Pulleyblank, with the help of his doctor and with a small group of witnesses, had his ventilator turned off, after living on it for seven years. Those years and the ones since then have radically affected my life and my work as a psychologist. Ten years after his death, twenty-five family and friends dedicated a redwood tree in Ron's name. In this beautiful event, after so long, we were able to place his illness and death back in what Lawrence Langer calls chronological time.

Langer, in his book, The Holocaust, distinguishes between two kinds of time: chronological time and durational time. He says that we expect a life in chronological time, made up of a past, present and future. When crises become the norm of life, durational time sets in. This is time without past or future and with a recurring experience of a disturbing present that is difficult to organize, express or forget. Langer writes that because durational time cannot overflow the blocked reservoir of its own moment it never enters what we usually experience as the stream of time. Often we and the people around us expect our grief to last for a prescribed length of time. Depending on the level of stress during an illness, this experience can last for much longer than we would expect. This assumption and others often need to be challenged, if patients and families are to find ways to live with significant illness.

 

Challenged Assumptions, Dilemmas, Necessary Conversation

1. Assumption: We each are responsible for ourselves and must make decisions for ourselves.
 
The Dilemma: A particular illness belongs to the patient. How the patient perceives this illness often determines the decisions he or she wishes to make. At the same time the perception of the illness is often quite different for family members who are responsible for the patient's care.
 
An example: Harry, who is very ill, continues to want to drive his children to school. His wife fears that his illness makes it unsafe.
 
Necessary conversations: The couple has to reassess which decisions are independent decisions and which must now be mutual. The roles and the responsibilities in their household also must be reassessed. These conversations need to include the multiple perspectives of all family members and sometimes those of extended family, caregivers and the norms of the community in which they live. The tendency to focus on the needs of the patient over the needs of caregivers and family members often must be challenged.
 
Note: Who participates in these conversations, and in fact in all conversations, often depends upon cultural values and beliefs. Before developing a treatment plan, an assessment with the family of how decisions are to be made is essential.
 

Positive Choices

2. Assumption: There are always positive choices to make, actions to take.
 
Dilemma: Often outcomes about the course of an illness are unknown. Tolerating ambiguity is a prerequisite for making decisions.
 
Example: A patient has fast-growing prostate cancer. He has the choice of following a usual course of treatment with mixed outcomes or an experimental treatment with little or no clear outcome data.
 
Necessary Conversations: Family members work to increase their tolerance of stressful emotional states due to ambiguity. They examine strategies and past experience that may help them tolerate the unknown.
 

Family Resources

3. Assumption: We often hold the belief that each family should and can provide for ill family members.
 
Dilemma: Due to the complexity of treatment and duration of treatment, there is often too much stress on family resources. This can overload the system and make it impossible for one family to provide physical, emotional, spiritual, social and financial resources adequate for all family members.
 
Examples: There is an extremely high divorce rate in families with long-term illnesses and also a high illness rate in other family members.
 
Necessary Conversations: The family explores how to build a community of support. With this support they learn ways to advocating for the needs of all family members in the family and in the wider community vs. over-relying on already overwhelmed family resources.

Maintaining Life

4. Assumption: It is the job of the medical establishment to maintain life.
 
Dilemma: Though this is a central tenet of medical practice, maintaining care is not the direct responsibility of the medical world. Separation between medical decisions in emergency rooms and the implications for life following these decisions can lead to patients being kept alive beyond their capacity to enjoy life and the capacity of their families to sustain them. As part of this dilemma, there is a medical process in place to save lives, but often no ethical process in place that offers the patient and family members a voice in deciding when enough is or is not enough. In addition to life-threatening issues, realistic care plans that take into account family resources need to be part of the medical treatment plan.
 
Necessary Conversations: Family discussions before there is an emergency about how decisions ought to be made can be very helpful. Though health-care directives are useful in this regard, they need to be re-assessed as the situation changes. Convening multiple systems that impact family life so that there is a shared understanding of what is possible and what are the wishes of the family will sometimes address issues of fragmentation that lead to unwanted decisions. Integration of services also adds to the possibilities that families have of accessing needed resources.
 

Treatment Principles

Underlying these conversations are the principles of therapy, or the backdrop of any engagement in the treatment process described below:
 
Shared human experience: No one avoids illness and death. It is an experience that bridges, by its very nature, the therapist/client relationship; therefore our capacity to be seen is crucial in entering the often lonely experience of illness and death.
 
Spiritual Practice: Thinking of the therapy room or someone's home as a sacred space. Evoking the strength of prayer, meditation, not being afraid to ask for help in facing the unknown. Starting with silence, leaving time for meditation ending with silence. Sharing one's own spiritual practice and prayer.
 
A Narrative Overlay: Arthur Frank, in his article about illness and deep listening, describes three different kinds of stories related to serious illness. They are: Restitution Stories in which there is a positive resolution (this kind is a favorite of us therapists), Chaos Stories in which things remain ambiguous (our least favorite kind), and Quest Stories in which the exploration of the unknown is a goal of the therapy.
 
Social Activism: Patients are often marginalized. They are a group fighting not to be silenced, and part of the therapy is advocating with them for their rights.
 

Examples of Treatment Issues at Different Stages of Illness

At diagnosis: Keeping things the same—a wish not to tell. A man 77 years old is diagnosed with fast-growing prostate cancer. He is experiencing a profound sense of disbelief because, though he has been having difficulty with urination, he has been told over the last three years that this is normal. He's also been told that if he does have prostate cancer it is most likely to be slow moving and he will die of something else. No tests are done until very recently, when it is discovered that the cancer is fast-moving and advanced. While he is dealing with this disbelief, he has at the same time to decide about whether or not to choose the conventional treatment or an experimental treatment, and where to get treatment. His children are scattered. His wife is highly anxious and wants a decision to be made immediately. He wants to go slowly, still focused on his disbelief that the doctors he had had faith in seemed to have made a mistake in his case. His focus is on keeping things the same. His wife's focus is on fixing things. Slowly his adult children, who up until this time have never participated in their parents' decision-making process, join their parents in making a decision—the best decision that they can make, but still a decision with uncertainty. In this family, this has a surprising enlivening effect as if everyone knows that they don't know what will happen, and so they reach out to each other and build on the strengths of their relationships.
 
Note: There are many reasons for patients and families to wish not to speak of illness. It often creates a sense of isolation as one is seen as different. It can be seen as weakening. Around particular illnesses there are many fears and judgments. Communicating about illness can have negative effects on employment and parenting responsibilities. Understanding the reasons that people avoid talking about the illness can help the therapist work with the unique timing and pace issues within each family.
 

Ongoing Crises: Living with Ambiguity

In another family that I am working with, the father, age 50, has fast-advancing ALS. He cannot communicate except with a raise of his eyebrow. Though he has decided not to go on a ventilator, there are many caregivers, involved and the ALS Center continues to try to find ways to relieve his symptoms. His mood vacillates between passive acceptance and depression. He is on antidepressants. His wife is overwhelmed. She is angry that everyone keeps expecting her to do more. She cannot sleep at night. One daughter has begun her first year at college; another daughter is away at a boarding school. We meet together as a family. Each family member has extraordinary pressing needs that seem to conflict with each other. We have a series of conversations in which the grief that is the strongest shared experience is brought into their conversation with each other. With this shared experience, sorting out who needs what, who else might help, becomes clearer, though this is a good example of an ongoing chaos story that has no good ending in sight. Sometimes even taking the time for therapy feels like a burden since there are so many people providing different services.
 

Death and Dying: Letting Go

Sometimes people can make a conscious choice to die, as Ron did in turning off his ventilator. It took many months for him to make this decision. We had conversations with family members, ethicists, psychotherapists and spiritual teachers. Once he decided to turn off the ventilator off, he went through the process of saying goodbye to the important people in his life, even though he could barely speak. More often death is not planned, but sudden, and often a crisis. Inviting families to include conversations about death and dying can be helpful, but often patients resist this fiercely as they hold onto life. Sometimes these conversations work better not all together but separately, with different family members at first and then leading to a wider discussion. When families with adult children come back together as a family often old hurts reappear. These need to be addressed and everyone needs some time to catch up with each other in order to move forward together. Families with younger children have to match conversations about death and dying with the age of each child.
 

After Death: Going Forward

As I said at the beginning, many issues of distress last much longer than people expect. Careful assessment is often needed. Different family members have different responses. When working with children in particular, it is sometimes difficult to sort out what is PTSD and what is grief. If supported in these differences, family members and the family as a whole often mobilizes new resources to transform itself.
 

Summary of Suggested Therapeutic Practices

Diagnosis 
Dilemma: Maintaining the familiar with radical change
  1. Providing a safe container for the expression of intense shock and disbelief.
  2. Facilitating conversations about the diagnosis with children and extended family members.
  3. Bearing with the family the ambiguity of not-knowing the outcome.
  4. Searching for ways to maintain the normal everyday of life, especially for children.
  5. Shifting anxiety about not knowing to finding out information from others.
  6. Discussing ways that other family members and/or friends can participate in the crisis.
  7. Helping families make and/or face medical decisions and prepare questions for meetings with doctors.
  8. Advocating for families in their dialogues with medical and insurance systems.
Ongoing Crises 
Dilemma: Sustaining hope with continuing loss
  1. Normalizing a distorted sense of time and feelings of anxiety and depression as predictable responses to ongoing crises.
  2. Including your experiences with catastrophic illness and death.
  3. Paying attention for and treating overwhelming depression or anxiety in the patient and family members.
  4. Facilitating conversations about the meanings of illness and death in the family and in the wider social context.
  5. Searching out underlying values, beliefs and family history that have led to these meanings.
  6. Looking for stories and practices in the family and in the wider culture that offer other possible meanings and responses to illness and death.
  7. Bearing and talking about the ongoing pain with the patient and the family as they witness the illness worsen.
  8. Finding creative ways for the family to spend good times together within their limited circumstances.
  9. Allowing for the different experiences and needs of the patient and family members.
  10. Facilitating dialogues and planning that take into account these differences.
  11. Convening a wider circle of friends and family to facilitate ongoing support networks.
  12. Bringing nursing, medical, spiritual and social service providers together with the family to assess ongoing needs and to provide coordinated services.
Conscious death and dying 
Dilemma: Knowing the unknowable
  1. Providing openings for conversations about death and dying.
  2. Tolerating and experiencing intense grief with family members.
  3. Exploring beliefs, meanings and family stories about death and dying.
  4. Participating with families in discussions about the economic, ethical, social and spiritual implications of life support systems.
  5. Offering opportunities for friends, family members and spiritual teachers to participate in these conversations.
  6. Discussing desired rituals and practices in preparation for dying and death.

Bibliography

Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University
Frank, A. (1998). "Just Listening: Narrative and Deep Illness", Families, Systems & Health. Vol. 18, No. 3.
Hanh, T.N. (1975). The Miracle of Mindfulness. New York: Beacon.
Johnson, F. (1996). Geography of the Heart. New York: Scribner.
Kuhl, D. (2002). What Dying People Want. New York: Public Affairs/Perseus Books.
Langer, L. (1975) The Holocaust. New Haven: Yale University
Levine, S. (1987). Healing into Life and Death. New York: Anchor.
Lewis, C.S (1976). A Grief Observed. New York: Bantam.
Polin, I. (1994). Taking Charge: How to Master Common Fears of Long-Term Illness. New York: Times Books
McDaniel, S. & Campbell, T. (1997). "Training Health Professionals to Collaborate", Families, Systems and Health. Vol 15, No. 4.
Pulleyblank, E. "Hard Lessons." The Family Therapy Networker. January.
Pulleyblank, E. (2000). "Sending Out the Call: Community as a Source of Healing, Families Systems and Health. Vol.17, No.4.
Pulleyblank Coffey (2003). "The Symptom is Stillness: Living with and Dying from ALS, A Progressive Neurological Disease." Chapter in: End of Life Care, Berzoff, J. & Silverman, P (eds.) New York: Columbia University Press (in press). **
Quill, T. (2002). Caring for Patients at the End of Life. New York: Oxford Press.
Rolland, J. (1994). Families, Illness and Disability: An Integrative Treatment Model. New York: Basic Books.
Spiegel, D. (1993). Living Beyond Limits. New York: Fawcett Columbine.
Staton, J., Shuy, R., Byock, I. (2002). A Few Months to Live. Washington D.C.: Georgetown University Press.
 
**Copy of chapter available from author. Contact at: epulleybl@aol.com.

Psychotherapy Isn’t What You Think: Bringing the Psychotherapeutic Engagement into the Living Moment

Prologue

Psychotherapy isn't what you think. It isn't a healing of an illness. It isn't guidance from a wise counselor. It isn't the mutual sharing of good friends. It isn't learning esoteric knowledge. It isn't being shown the error of one's ways. It isn't finding a new religion. Psychotherapy isn't what you think.

Psychotherapy is not what you think. It surprises many people because it is not primarily about your childhood . . . or about what has hurt or traumatized you . . . or about the germs in your body . . . or about destructive habits you've acquired . . . or about negative attitudes you carry . . . .

Psychotherapy is not what you think. It is about how you think. It calls attention to unrecognized assumptions in how you think. It makes a distinction between what you think about and how you do that thinking. It is less concerned with looking for causes to explain what you do and more concerned with discovering patterns in the meanings you make of what you're doing.

Psychotherapy is about how you think. It is about how you live with your emotions. It is about the perspectives you bring to relating with the people who matter to you. It is about what you aspire to in your life and how you may unwittingly make it harder for yourself to reach those goals. It is about being helped to see that the change you seek is already latent within you. It is coming to recognize and appreciate the spark of something eternal that is your core.

Psychotherapy is not what you think; it is about how you live with yourself right now.

Psychotherapy Freshens How We Perceive Our Living

. . . It is appropriate to take several steps back in order to view in broader perspective what it is that is the focus of our concern. When we do so we are demonstrating the very theme we are expressing: Life is lived as a perceptual experience. How we "see" or define our own nature and the nature of the world in which we find ourselves is a crucial element in determining what our lives will mean to us and to those with whom we share this epoch of living.

The opportunity, necessity, and challenge of living is that each of us must create and live out a life. Ultimately this is an individual responsibility—even though that often may not seem to be the case. Many influences press us to disavow or, at least, to try to delegate this responsibility.

Recognition of this basic life truth of our ultimate self-responsibility is sometimes misunderstood as a kind of "blaming the victim" philosophy and in other instances is thought to be an absurd "Pollyannaism" which promises that anyone can do anything if only he will set his mind to it. Of course, neither of these is sensible, and certainly neither is accepted by the stance here presented.

It is obviously and irrevocably true that we live in a multifaceted reality which profoundly affects what we experience and what opportunities and obstacles we encounter in carrying out this basic responsibility for our lives.

When and where one is born, whether female or male, healthy or ailing, intelligent or of limited potential, into what sort of family, society, and times; and much else influence our lives' courses. Yet each of these factors—and the many others, including some of which we are only partially aware—open out into further arrays.

Literature, both popular and technical, provides many accounts of individuals who overcame crippling environmental and chance-inflicted handicaps to live rich and contributing lives. To be sure, often such stories also recognize how exceptional native talents were called into action and in turn facilitated the exceptional outcomes. But it would be naive to attempt to so dismiss all such instances as simply products of random gene combinations. Indeed there is the real possibility that the exceptional talents were in some measure the products of human will as it confronted those very handicaps.

Candidly, almost any of us who soberly examines his own history is likely to discover occasions on which he failed to use his powers effectively and other times when he stretched to go beyond what were his usual life patterns. Popular idiom says it, "If life hands you a lemon, make lemonade."

Yet by no means does this homily assure a happy ever-after outcome. We simply don't know the stories of unnumbered men and women of great potential who were overwhelmed by circumstances and never realized their potential.

The Therapist's Mission

Our work, as we view it in this book, is to engage with the client's way of grappling with his life, or in other words, with the patterns through which the client seeks to be safe, fulfilled, in relation. "To engage" not to learn about them; "engage" signals a more experiential process. That, in turn, implies that the therapist cannot simply be a detached observer but needs lived experience of how her client grapples with her life.

Those patterns constitute the client's implicit conception of his own nature, powers, vulnerabilities, and all else that is implicit in his way of experiencing his own being and employing his powers in life—i.e., the client's self-and-world construct system as it is structured to deal with possibilities, hazards, resources, and much more.

What underlies this stance is the recognition that the self is always defined in terms of its interaction with the environing world, and the world is always perceived in terms of its actual or potential effects on the self.

Another aspect of this conception needs to be made explicit: We are speaking here of perceptions, of how the self and its attributes and the world and its many aspects are perceived. Of course, perception here does not mean only visual or even sensory perceptions as independent existents. Although the sensory facets of our perceptions may prove of great importance at times, they always do so in larger contexts.

We live in a perceptual world—that is, in the world which our perception reveals. As we experience our lives we form percepts about this world's elements and aspects. These become de facto definitions, and rightly or wrongly they do much to determine how we will relate to that which they name.

Is the world a safe place? Can a woman deal with this kind of problem as well as would a man? How will this art authority respond to my paintings? Must I cultivate the big shots to get promoted in my job or will doing a good job be enough?

The Omnipresence of Death

The disease which results in 100-percent fatalities is called "Life." Life is lived between the brackets of birth and death, and that very stark reality subtly or openly affects much that we think and do. In earlier years we implicitly claim immortality, but even then the shadow falls from time to time. As we age, that warning is more frequent and demanding.

Death accompanies life day by day, moment by moment. It isn't an event that will occur in the future; it is an actuality in each moment now. Each moment's life lives on the dead corpse of the previous moment. My lover today dies in tomorrow's kiss.

Recognizing this, anticipation, apprehension, remembrance, and regret are appropriate but not if they obscure what is in this present moment. The very fact of ending can give vitality to that which is in fact now and therefore in some measure accessible, and it counsels action rather than delay.

Psychotherapists need to be aware—and to help their clients be aware—that the resistance is an attempt to delay the death of possibilities. Becoming genuinely aware of that inexorable fact may impel one to claim the life of what is immediately possible and avoid the death of inaction.

Searching is the life force (chi) being its own nature. Case formulations can so easily become like butterflies impaled on pins and put in display cases.

Psychotherapy and Changing

It is time to try to bring together the chief elements of the existential-humanistic perspective on life-changing psychotherapy, as I envision it. Other psychotherapists will, of course, have points of difference, and that is as it should be. We are considering an art form, and by its very nature, all art is not to be captured by any one artist. Thus each person must, perforce, produce a masterwork, and no explanations can ease that responsibility.

Effective Ingredients in Psychotherapeutic Change

To begin with a synoptic statement of this existential-humanistic perspective: Essentially and experientially, life is subjective awareness. Without awareness, we are not truly alive. The conditions for which we seek therapy (e.g., anxiety, impulse control, meaninglessness in life, difficulties in relationships) may usefully be thought of as likely to be the products of shrunken and distorted ways of being aware—that is, of being alive.

The range and depth of our awareness constitute the settings of our self-and-world construct systems. When that system is too confining or too poorly corresponding with the consensual world view, we experience anxiety, pain, futility, or other symptoms which may lead us to seek psychotherapy. The task of such therapy is, then, to explore the client's self-and-world construct system and then to facilitate the client's making needed revisions in it.

This system is the way in which the client survives, seeks fulfillment, and avoids harms; yet it is this same system that must be investigated and in which changes must occur as a result of the therapeutic work. Understandably, the work of therapy inevitably encounters resistance from the client's way of being in the world (i.e., that same self-and-world construct system). Thus psychotherapy must encourage and support confrontation with the negative effects of this system while supporting its positive contributions to the client's life.

The two chief ways in which the therapeutic process carries out this work are through (a) intensive attention to the actual way the client explores and utilizes her/his own capacities as manifested in the client's self-presentation in the consultation room and (b) coaching the client to improved skill and range in self-exploration in order to better understand his/her own self-and-world construct system. These tasks are best carried out in a setting of mutual respect and dedication.

This approach to the therapeutic work may be called life-coaching to contrast it with notions of psychotherapy as repair of injuries or curing of diseases. Coaching seeks to increase the positive life skills of the client rather than focusing on negative patterns as such.

Restating the Central Thesis

From Freud on we have been governed by the myth of historic determinism. This implied emphasis on the need to try to discover what happened in the past has brought us to today's information-centered approach. In so much of our work as therapists we tend to be caught up in collecting and disbursing information about the client. Such information may be the client's history, his current concerns, her relationships, and what she hopes to gain from the therapy. Our clients soon get caught up in this information about process.

However, all information is abstracted from the flow of time—i.e., the flow of life. The only truly actual element is the process of the moment in the client; yet clients and therapists have come to discount the momentary and seek "the long view."

What is advanced here is that therapists need to give greater attention to what is, in fact, actual. This means the subjective experience of the client in the moment. This means (in line with Hillman's views) abandoning the notion of finding causes. This means disclosing to the client her/his immediate experience.

I do not reject the notion of historical sources of much in our living, but I do insist that while history equips us with habit systems that can be useful (speech, social intercourse, and much else), these habits are at a level similar to muscle habits—available, repetitive, continually evolving, incompletely conscious, and only semi-voluntary. I can and need at times to adapt or override some habits to type these words, to drive a car, to do most of the physical activities of daily life. I can change and override emotional patterns when I am aware of them in the moment of their activation. However, so many of my emotional habits I only know about incompletely and after their functioning—i.e., as information about myself and information about what is past.

An emotional habit is a set or predisposition to respond in patterned ways to certain situations
What is here proposed is that pointedly identifying in the moment that which is activated but unregarded introduces a new element in one's internal governance. When this is done, a change process is initiated which can have far-reaching results.

What Is Life Coaching?

Life coaching is a mode of psychotherapy. It is, as the name suggests, a combination of concepts and practices through which a trained and dedicated person may provide a facilitating and renewing perspective and experience to another person. The recipient of this aid may be termed a "client" or "patient," but what is important is to emphasize the centrality of this person's own responsibility and self-direction.

Central to this conception is the conviction that many—perhaps most, possibly even all—the distresses which bring people to psychotherapy are at base the product of ineffectual and counterproductive life assumptions and the patterns of action and reaction deriving from them.

A similarly central assumption insists that relief or recovery from such distresses is only to be had when the distressed person comes to fresh perspectives on her/his life—its assumptions, patterns, and internal conflicts.

Reflections About Our Work

  1. The people with whom we are engaged are living all the time they're with us. They bring that-with-which-they-are-not-content to us. They live it out in our offices.
  2. We are not physicians, repairmen/women, or substitutes available to direct others' lives.
  3. We are coaches for those who are not satisfied with their experiences of being alive.
  4. The only change agency which produces lasting results is a change in a person's perception of her/his self and world.
  5. That change will only occur when we help them see more fully how they are living their lives right now, right in the room.
  6. The only reality about one's self is that which actual in this moment. All else is static, is without power, is only information.
  7. Recognition, insight, interpretation, and similar, familiar therapeutic products that are often mistaken for the goal. They are useful to the extent they evoke or express an immediate experiencing.

The Central Drama of Depth Psychotherapy

I will sketch here, in greatly over-simplified terms, the core processes as they are conceived in this orientation. This will permit reviewing key terms. It will also, I hope, foster a more energetic or dynamic sense of the therapeutic engagement than I (quite biasedly) think of as the "whodunit" approach to therapy—i.e., those modes in which primary attention is given to seeking cause-and-effect relations among elements of the client's history and complaints and then to teaching those connections to the client in the hope that the complained-of conditions will be eliminated or at least radically modified.

The basic drama of depth psychotherapy is carried out as a struggle between two opposing forces: on the one hand is a sense of possibility in combination with feelings of concern. These impel each of us forward in all venues of our lives. On the other hand, these positive impulses come up against other subjective elements in the form of forces or structures which seek continuity and predictability. These latter influences can be lumped together under the name resistances. As we explore them further it becomes manifest that they are chiefly expressions of our self-and-world construct systems, the very ways we define our own nature and the nature of the world in which we live. Obviously threats to these definitions, at the most extreme, are experienced as threats to our lives.

What is evident from the foregoing is that our lives are lived at the level of perception. How we see ourselves, our world, our needs, our powers, our potentials—this is the key to our living.

It follows then that psychotherapy must be concerned with perceptions. And, of course, that concern must not be limited solely to the conscious and verbalizable perceptions. Thus in the therapy work described in this book, we attend scrupulously to implicit perceptions as they are manifested in the living moment.

The phrase, "in the living moment," is particularly important. It is no exaggeration to say that the only reality we have is that of this living moment—the moment in which I write these words and the quite other moment in which you read them.

Even were we talking together in the same room, we would not have precisely the same "living moment" because of the multiple and contrasting histories we would bring to our engagement. Another implication of this recognition is that when the client tells about his experience, it is always a different experience than it was when it occurred.

The particular merit of the perspective I'm presenting here is expressed by references to "the actual." What is actual is what is at the very moment; therefore therapeutic attention and efforts need to be focused at the immediate now.

A Semi-Final Recognition

This book has attempted to summarize my thinking and experiencing about psychotherapy as of early 1998. It has fallen short of doing so. Thank the good lord!

Psychotherapy is concerned with life, with living. That means it is concerned with what is going on, what is changing and evolving, what is about to be recognized. A book is much more static than is actual, vital psychotherapy. What I have written has taught me about what I have written. When I rewrite the account of some point I want to express clearly, the point has changed somewhat. When I try to capture the new perception, it has already gone on ahead of me.

That is the way with life. That is the way with our thinking about life. Therefore that is the way with psychotherapy. We are—and we should be—always running to catch up.

You must excuse me now. I've got to hurry to find out what is next.

LIFE ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK*

Life isn't what you think. Life is.


Does the yolk know the shape of the shell?
Does the foaming crest know the power of the wave?

Life isn't what you think.
Life is going on . . . now.
Life is impending even as I write
and as you read.

Life is experiencing, but not experience.
Life isn't what you think.
Life isn't future, past, or even now.
For even that now is now past, now-past.

Life isn't what you think.
Life isn't what will be in the future
for when that future has become now
it will be now and not the now we foresaw.
Life is what is before it becomes what was.

Life isn't what you think . . . or what I think . . .
or what ever it might be.
Life is.