Rebuilding Connection after Grieving the Loss of a Desired Relationship

The other day, one of my clients asked me, “Isn’t it unfair to know that they [people around me] still can’t figure out that I am going through something and that I have to spell it out every single time, even after all these years?”

Unmet Expectations

I sat there in quiet surprise as I remembered asking the same question to myself a few days before. I thought, this is going to be interesting!

Lately, many of my clients have been dealing with the feeling of disappointment in their close relationships when they’ve come to realize that these bonds may not be as they once believed them to be, even after years together. It can be a parent, spouse, or close friends—it doesn’t matter. As their therapist, I have found myself sailing in the same boat, and I am at a crossroad when I am with them in that room trying to hold space for their disappointment—while allowing for my own. I am realizing there is another person who creeps into that space; my own outside-of-therapy-self who is learning to deal with the weight of similar disappointment with those in my life. It’s uncanny how these clients came into my life at the same time. I don’t think this is just a coincidence.

Sometimes, I treat the people in my life in ways similar to how I secretly want them to treat me. I extend my heart in kindness, my eyes to truly witness them, my ears to listen, and my words to comfort them—hoping silently that they will do the same for me.

A client might be sitting in front of me, saying all this as the realization suddenly hits them that their disappointment and anger may be coming from an unmet personal need to be cared for or about. Eventually, the other person falls short of these unspoken expectations, and they sit there enraged, but mostly feeling hopeless and disappointed with the inevitable reality of unmet expectations.

They, like I, build a certain image of a person and our relationship with them in our minds which keeps us from seeing them as they are—humans with flaws. And this can come with a sense of grief of having to let go of a version of a relationship they—and I—hoped for, but that simply was never there or that doesn’t exist outside of the mind’s eye.

From Disappointment to Acceptance

The period of transition from disappointment with and acceptance of people as they are knows no age bounds. The realization can come at any stage of life. And when the realization does come, it is important for the person to accept that the origin of the disappointment is not in the other person, but the result of their own unmet, and likely longstanding inner need for validation. These versions of relationships aren’t lies; they were (and are still) survival tools. In difficult times, they were needed to support the idea that the bond existed. That belief, even if idealized, was sufficient.

As both a therapist and citizen of the world, I believe the mask also comes off only at the time when my clients are ready to see reality as it is. The reality in itself is not bleak; it’s just different. The challenge lies in the decision to take the next step—to fully embrace the reality of a changed relationship with the imagined person who disappoints, rather than continued anger and disappointment. It’s about considering the new, altered relationship rather than expecting it to change. That decision can be made well when it comes from a clear mind and not while in the throes of grief.

Inside the therapy sessions, I see my clients face this disappointment and ask the important questions. Initially, it used to make me feel as helpless as my clients felt. Once we are able to talk about the helplessness, and acknowledge the disappointment that comes with it, we reach a point where I can address their unmet needs that led them to hold on to those versions of relationships that never existed. This, then, opens space for addressing how together, we can fulfill these needs outside of the existing relationships. Only then is there hope that my clients can open their hearts to reconnect and renew older connections with a new perspective.

The message I try to communicate is to be open to the grief and to sit with the disappointment. I ask my clients to open a space for grief related not to the relationship per se, but to expectations that the relationship will or might change. As a therapist, I invite clients to make space for that hopelessness, while as a person, I feel privileged to have clients whose lived experiences I get to learn from and seek support. I thank them for giving me that space, too, unknowingly. This is what happens when a therapist and a client walk through the same storm together. I have not known a greater community support than this!

The fluidity of relationships is beautiful. They shift, stretch, and evolve. They permit me and my client(s) to come out of fantasies in our own time. It allows for a new light and a fresh definition of connection with them. Disappointment is not the end of a relationship but the beginning of a truer one. When my clients—or I—make a space for grief, there is the possibility of re-connection.

Case in Point

I once worked with a client who came to me with the complaint of feeling angry most of the time. “Kunal” was a well settled person in his 30s who had been married for a long time. At the time he was coming in, he had been feeling frustrated in every conversation he was having with people close to him. In our sessions, he would ask questions like, ‘They understand when I am happy, why do the bad moods need to be spelled out?’ Every time, I could see the disappointment and sadness spread across his face.

It took us some time to reach the point where he could acknowledge that relationships often come with disappointment and to digest the ever-changing nature of relationships. As he described these situations, he attempted to soothe himself as he processed the years of disappointment that came with this realization. My goal was to be fully present, mirroring his feelings. This understanding paved our way for communication with a fresh base and a new outlook to look at his existing relationships. An important lesson learned!

Christoffer Haugaard on Collaborating with Clients Who Hear Voices

Lawrence Rubin: I’m here today with Christoffer Haugaard, a Danish Narrative clinician who has a particular and fascinating interest in working with clients who hear voices. Welcome, Christoffer.

Christoffer Haugaard: Thank you, Lawrence!

The Multiplicity of the Mind

LR: I know there are a lot of clinicians who will be reading this and want to know simply, how do I work with clients who hear voices? But I don’t want to start there. Instead, I’d like to start in a somewhat different place by asking what you’ve learned or are learning about the human experience by working with clients and their voices?

CH: I think what I’ve learned is that, based on the phenomenology of what voices appear to be and how they behave when you interact with them, the mind doesn’t seem to be unified. There seems to be multiple agencies, multiple perspectives that at least can be present and seem to have their own existence and are in some way tied to a particular person.

You can interact with these agencies or entities or whatever you want to call it. And, from my experience in working with people who hear voices, they respond favorably. The voices respond favorably to being treated as some kind of person, to being respected as having a perspective and their own agency, their own opinions, rather than being dismissed or rejected or taken to be not real, or only a symptom or a representation of something. They tend to appreciate being treated as if they are people too.

LR: Have you had to shed any preconceived notions along the way or divorced yourself from any common ideas about voices in order to reach that place where you recognize the multiplicity of the mind.

CH: That’s complicated. In a way it wasn’t a stretch for me because personally, I was already quite familiar with other ideas about reality of the mind, other ontologies. I’ve always been interested in indigenous societies, shamanism, animism, that sort of thing, where people experience entities or agencies outside themselves or related to the world and interact with them.

So, that way of thinking was actually quite familiar to me, but I didn’t connect it to my work as a therapist at all. I thought of psychopathology as being something distinct from that. Or at least I didn’t have any particular interest in connecting those two things. So, I regarded voices as being dissociated thinking patterns that were on repeat in peoples’ heads.

My change in view happened because we made a discovery about it by coincidence. I was working with one of my patients, named Max, whose story has been published. He considered that maybe his voices had good intentions to begin with, and I just took that idea at face value. I suggested that I try to address these voices and tell them that we had these ideas about them, that maybe they had good intentions, and tried to explain to them that Max needed them to behave in a different way so they could assist him in life.

Max thought that was a crazy idea because you can’t talk to a mental illness, but he was kind enough to not tell me that. He just said, “yeah, sure, go ahead.” So, I spoke to the voices, and they responded very favorably to that. They enjoyed being respected and acknowledged for their good intentions, and they actually changed their behavior.

From that point onwards, Max was able to appeal to them using my words in the form of a letter. In five minutes, he could quiet them down. They had terrorized him for years but responded to this immediately. That required me to change my thinking. This certainly didn’t seem to be some thinking that was dissociated and stuck in his head on repeat like a broken record.

This was something living that was responding with an opinion, and had feelings that were different from Max’s feelings. I brought that idea with me to other patients where we were stuck and we found that treating voices in this way, acknowledging them as having their own perspective, their own opinions, being persons of some kind was very effective. We then collaborated with more and more people where we were able to confirm this.

And of course, that required me to dissociate myself from normal psychological and psychiatric thinking. I was working in a psychiatric hospital where the general idea was (and still is) that voices are false. They are hallucinations, and people should not involve themselves with them. They should reject them and not listen to them, and they should be medicated to go away. I had to dare to step completely outside of that idea. I think maybe I was willing to do that because I was familiar with that way of perceiving the world already. I just never connected it to my work as a clinician before. I had a predisposition, you might say, to think that way.

So, it wasn’t a big leap for me personally, but it was something I had to dare to do in a psychiatric context, where that was not how you thought about things. I had to deal with the possibility that other clinicians would think that I was indulging people’s insanity or entertaining their delusions. But to think that that helped me to not be persuaded by such doubts or such ideas was the fact that it was just very effective.

There was just a very immediate response from these voices and nothing else had worked. I was sitting with patients who had been medicated, sometimes heavily, and who had tried many different kinds of psychotic medication for years and years; and tried psychotherapy for years and years, and it hadn’t worked. It hadn’t made any difference to these voices. And now these voices were responding in ways that were entirely novel to these patients.

They were immediately surprised that the voices were responding like this. It was useful. They could suddenly find ways to deal with these voices so that they stopped being a menace to them. Their need for hospitalization decreased, and some of them even stopped needing it. The voices ceased to be a threat to them, something they could live with. Even in some cases, they came to appreciate the input of these voices. They changed their behavior, became more reasonable, more kind, stopped going on and on about people killing themselves and stuff like that, and becoming more constructive when they were engaged in a dialog. And that was very persuasive for me and for my patients that this happened.

And when I saw that happen and the difference it made to my patients, it was it was a no-brainer really. I did have concerns about how honest I should be about what we were doing. Should I tell my patient’s psychiatrist what we were doing? But that became easier along the way because it was working.

LR: I need to dissociate myself from the popular conception that voices are equivalent to psychopathology, just as you had to. I’ll go so far as to channel Travis Heath here by suggesting that for you, accepting the reality of, and working with, voices was an act of rebellion.

CH: Yeah, and I already had a rebellious mindset. That’s why I became interested in Narrative Therapy to begin with. I was dissatisfied with how these peoples’ experiences were pathologized and just rejected as being just wrong and not worth listening to, not worth understanding, and just something that should be medicated until it stops. I was dissatisfied with how these people were not engaged in a more equal dialog about meaning and what might be helpful for them.

I had already been creating a group therapy format and participating in psychoeducation, where you tell people about diagnosis and treatments and all that. I’d become dissatisfied with being a clinician telling these people what to think about their experiences and describing it as something that was wrong with them. In the group format I developed, I invited patients to participate and interviewed them about their experiences and then together, reflect on what might this mean.

It was important to not privilege a psychiatric understanding. I wanted these people to participate in understanding their own lives and their problems instead of having to listen to yet another psychologist tell them stuff out of a textbook. I’d already done that before making these discoveries about voices. So, yeah, I definitely had that kind of rebellious mindset about it.
LR: Have you found colleagues who have attempted to adopt your philosophy about working with these clients, and have failed because they’re not you?
CH: As far as I’m aware, none of my colleagues had tried it out. It’s sort of just became a thing I did. Sometimes they would bring along a patient and ask if I could “talk to this guy or can you talk to this woman and see if you can do your thing?” So, it was more a thing I did after having published some of these accounts, circulating this knowledge, and making it available to people who hear voices. I have been contacted by people who have tried it out and found it to be effective. Not a lot. I hope there are more people out there using it that I’m not yet aware of.

A Relational Framework for Understanding Voices

LR: My guess is that because of Western culture’s hyper-emphasis on pathology and our dependance on insurance companies for greenlighting treatment, this might not find as welcome a home here as it does in Europe, or outside of Narrative Therapy circles. How does the traditional notion that voices are simply split-off and projected unpleasant or unwanted parts of ourselves fit your model?
CH: Mostly I’ve been dealing with this in a very pragmatic fashion and haven’t worried too much about that, really. Treating the voices as people was just very effective. Trying to work out what voices mean in terms of ontology or psychology has not been a concern. My patients didn’t care about that, and it wasn’t necessary to figure that out in order to do the work with them. To my mind, people are free to make sense of their voices in whatever way works for them, you know? Some people will think “this is probably a part of myself in some way,” even though that’s actually not how the voices appear.

They actually appear and behave like something of their own. But, you know, a patient who prefers to interpret that as being parts of themselves, of course, is free to do so, and it doesn’t seem to actually be important what people think of it. Voices respond to it, no matter what the host human might think of it. Right? But it doesn’t seem to depend on what the patient believes, and we don’t have to figure out what to believe about it. We have to pragmatically make the assumption that voices are people — they have their own perspective, their own desires and intentions, and we treat them that way. As soon as people have the experience that voices respond to this, they really stop caring about how crazy it might seem. It just doesn’t matter when it works. I, of course, have been interested in trying to get some idea of how we can make sense of that

I think the more traditional psychological idea that these voices must be “split-off” parts of the self presumes that the self is supposed to be unified and that this splitting is not how it’s supposed to be. Thinking that way doesn’t lend itself to acting the way we did .

You know, it becomes sort of pretending. The therapist is pretending that the voices are persons, but they really think they’re not. So, if we want to develop an idea about what voices are that actually supports literally treating them as persons, we might need a different idea about voices. It seems to me that psychology, and certainly psychiatry, is not a very good place to look for that, because these ideas are very tied to a Cartesian way of thinking about the mind and very tied to particular notions of what’s normal that are really based on industrial Western societies in the last t couple of centuries.

Basically, much of psychology doesn’t take other societies into account, or how Europeans thought just 300 years ago, which was in many ways radically different. This idea of a self-contained subjectivity is quite recent, and historically not very normal, actually. Psychology and psychiatry are very tied to such a notion of what a mind is supposed to look like. But when you start looking at the history of religions as well as anthropology and ethnography, very different ways of how the mind operates begin showing up. And a concept that has become more popular and recently redefined in anthropology is animism, which seems to be a way of understanding the world and the mind, which is pretty much universal.

All societies that have been studied either are or used to be animistic.Animism used to be considered an erroneous attribution of mind to things that actually don’t have minds. Like the “so-called” primitive belief, for example, that trees are alive or that a stone is alive. That was the original notion of animism in anthropology. And it was used rhetorically to demonstrate that religiosity in general is a primitive, irrational thing that should basically be rejected, and that the religions of civilized societies are just refined versions of this primitive animism. that was the idea back at the beginning of anthropology.

But animism has since been redefined as being an epistemology that takes the subject to be the starting point for knowledge of the world. To interact with the world socially is a way to know the world, which is different from the rationalist scientific idea of taking the object to be fundamental. In scientific, rational thinking, we want to divorce subject and object from each other, such as in Cartesian mind-body dualism. And in this vein, we then want to remove subjectivity as much as possible from the object of study, because real knowledge is supposed to be objective, independent of perspective, independent of context. It seems that many societies, indigenous societies, assert just the opposite; to know something is to invest subjectivity in it, to interact with it, to be socially engaged with it.

To know the forest then, the forest must become a person. It must become a subject. We must see through the eyes of the forest to know the forest. . As such, a spirit is not an irrational belief in a non-empirical entity. A spirit, then, would be the subjectivity of a relationship with something in the world. And in that sense, it’s a way of knowing. Instead of regarding the world as consisting of a bunch of particles in causal relationships with each other, the world can be understood to be a set of social relationships, and that the world is fundamentally social, not just between humans, but between humans and trees and animals and so on and so forth.

In this sense, animism, may be an ontology and an epistemology, a way of engaging the world that makes a different bet to rationalism and modernity. I think these notions of subjectivity, where the mind is not closed but porous, relational, and elastic, seems to be actually a very universal way of operating for our species.

And in that light, hearing voices isn’t that difficult to understand. You can look at voices as a way of understanding your life. When something in your life begins to speak to you, it’s a personification and investment of subjectivity in some aspect of your life that is problematic that you need to deal with. That’s why it begins to talk to you, so developing the right relationship with it is the road to healing. These voices mustn’t be rejected. They must be listened to because they’re trying to tell you something, and you must establish good relations with them instead of rejecting them or ignoring them or battling them.

In Relationship with Voices

LR: It almost sounds like people who don’t hear voices are at a disadvantage in some way, or that they’re not living fully in the world, as are those who are open to the experience of voices.

CH: I guess you could say that the process of modernization has been closing human beings off from the world. In making the distinction between subject and object and presuming that humans are exceptional and separate from the natural world, from our bodies, from other beings—we are asserting that we’re somehow entirely different and that only we possess minds, and the rest of the world is sort of dead and has no inherent meaning. From a historical perspective, you can certainly make the argument that modernization has operated like that; a rejection of being in relationship with the world.

LR: You’ve used the word spiritism, so is the experience of hearing voices and sitting with someone who is hearing voices, a spiritual experience?

CH: The older understanding in anthropology is that a spirit is a non-empirical entity that people believe has causal powers. That would be the old understanding of animism. The new animism in anthropology says that a spirit is a personified relationship with some aspect of the world, a relationship with something other than another human. So, when humans enter into relationships with a particular tree that may be important to them, this tree is personified by being related to in a social way. There’s an investment of subjectivity. The relationship becomes a hub of subjectivity in itself. That is what a spirit is.

LR: So, you might work with a client in relationship to the voice?

CH: Yeah, but mostly with the voices I’ve met. It’s not trees that they have problems with. It’s usually some aspect of existence. It can be aspects of our culture, for example, certain social norms that act in a personified way, and very often it’s a kind of helper. It’s like a companion entity of some kind that is trying to help people deal with something in their lives.

Often they turn out to be quite right about what people need, but because people have been rejecting this voice and been afraid of it, the relationship has gone sour. Sometimes it turns into a war. Sadly, sometimes psychiatry contributes to creating this state of war because they encourage people to reject their voices and in telling them that this voice is a sign that there’s something wrong with your brain. That’s a very scary thing to come to understand. This element of fear and rejection tends to lead to a conflict with the voice, and then the constructive aspects of what a voice may be trying to tell people is completely lost in this war. What I’ve often done is try to be on a diplomatic mission to create a peace and to try to understand what the voice wants. Often the voices are able to communicate when you interact with them in a respectful way. Very often, they want something. When the person comes to understand this and finds a way to satisfy the voice in an acceptable way for the person, the war ends.

LR: Have you found any commonalities in the origins of patients’ relationship with the voice(s)?

CH: There’s often trauma. The first appearance of voices is often in the context of a traumatic event, but not always since some of the people I’ve collaborated with have been able to hear voices for as long as they can remember. Just seems to be an ability, something that they’ve just always had.

LR: It made me think of an interview I did a while back with an ecopsychologist, who talked about the proliferation of ecological anxiety and dread as the planet is attacked from so many different sectors. Our planet is experiencing trauma which makes me wonder if some people who hear voices are afraid of the annihilation of our world.

CH: I have collaborated with one among other voices that was extremely angry about how the world was being treated by humans and wanted the person hearing the voice to try to annihilate humanity. I wasn’t able to, to work with that person in a very consistent way. A certain reason I haven’t collaborated with this person was due to the circumstances in their life, and of course, wanting to annihilate all of humanity is not a desirable or constructive thing to do.

It was not sensible to agree with this voice about that but to appreciate the anger of this voice was certainly relevant. Of course, I would see that as the fury of this voice. You know, wanting extreme things. And we need to channel that into something that’s acceptable for a human being to actually do, and killing people wasn’t it.

LR: Can you bring to mind a client with whom you’ve worked where there was this negotiation?
CH: There is my collaboration with Alice that has been published. She heard a multiplicity of voices operating in a unified way that she called “the others.” They were very aggressive and wanted her to harm herself and other people. They enjoyed gore, suffering, pain, and things like that and wanted her to do them.

Of course, she didn’t want to do anything of the kind. Then they would torture her in various ways when she would not comply with them, and try to convince her to kill herself. Once she started talking to the others, she discovered that they had all this aggressive energy that they wanted to express through her.

Alice resisted that, but because of this, they felt trapped. They could not exercise their own being in any way. They were just trapped inside her. That caused suffering for them. They were in pain from not being able to express themselves in the way that they wanted, and therefore they didn’t want to exist anymore. The voices were trying to get Alice to kill herself, hoping that that would also put an end to their painful existence.

We found out by coincidence that they enjoyed having smoking breaks. One day, we were talking about something that they didn’t appreciate, and it seemed like an attack was coming on from them. To avert that, I said, “sure, you get it your way. We’ll talk about something else for now. You just take a break for a smoke or something.” And that was just a joke. I was trying to lighten the mood and as it turned out, that averted the attack. Alice then told me they liked that. They liked being offered a smoking break, this was after having made this discovery with Max that I mentioned earlier. After that, I brought cigarettes for them and we put them out on my desk.

They really liked that. Otherwise, they would want her to kill herself. The voices didn’t like me talking to Alice and trying to help her get better because they wanted her to die, but now they had to admit that I offered the cigarettes. No one else in the world had ever offered them anything, but I did, so they couldn’t thoroughly hate me. We also gave them coffee. We could avert attacks like that, and begin to teach them to behave more kindly and in a friendly kind of relationship instead of an aggressive one based on power, which was all they knew. They started becoming familiar with being friendly and what that meant, so we tried to accommodate them.

They also wanted all this blood and gore and aggression. They liked that but of course, Alice didn’t. I suggested putting on gory movies for them. I didn’t want to look at it. Alice certainly didn’t. So, I put them on my computer and turned the monitor away from us, up where the voices were receiving their cigarettes and coffee.

I chose something comical, something funny like Peter Jackson’s old gory comedy movies he made before the Lord of the Rings. Later on, Alice decided to start practicing martial arts and they really liked that too. She was doing something that had something aggressive in it, but which was socially acceptable and acceptable to Alice. The voices calmed down more and more. And in the end they became quite friendly and liked me and wanted to be friends with me. They eventually stopped bothering Alice, and she stopped being afraid of them. So that was this kind of negotiation, you know? Can we give you something that you’ll appreciate, but which is also acceptable for Alice?

Narrative Therapy and Working with Voices

LR: Christoffer, what is it about Narrative Therapy that’s helped you in your work with clients and their voices?

CH: I think externalizing conversations already has some similarity with working with voices where there’s a practice of personifying problems. It has this animistic element to it. The leap isn’t that big. And then there’s the element of Narrative Therapy that’s called co-research. David Epston calls it co-research when you’re in a situation where you don’t know what to do, or how to deal with a problem. You relinquish your professional identity as the one who’s supposed to know stuff and invite the patient to explore. You work from the premise of “let’s explore this together.”

Narrative Therapy has roots in anthropology and ethnography, so this idea of collaboratively exploring the world without knowing in advance is essential. That is certainly what we did because we were in a situation where the usual stuff wasn’t working and we had to recognize the fact that we didn’t know what to do. It was a matter of just going with it to see what we could find and try it out and see what works. What we found with voices was that they responded well to this, so we did this consistently with one patient after another.

LR: Are the written elements of narrative practice like letter writing and journaling particularly useful here?

CH: Yes. When I spoke with Max’s voices that first time, he had a positive experience because the voices responded and calmed down immediately. Max then asked me to write down for him what I had said to the voices. That became a letter that he would then use whenever the voices got worked up about something in his life. He would simply read this letter to them, and they would stop attacking him. I have also used letter writing with some of my other patients when we were trying to figure things out, and as a way of documenting our discoveries. In those instances, I would write to them and some of them would also write to me to explain to me what they had discovered, or what the history of the voices was like.

Lately, I’ve been writing letters, not to my patient, but to the problem, a personified version of that problem. In one case, I wrote a letter to a dream entity of a patient with PTSD who had reoccurring nightmares. In one of those nightmares, he saw a dead man who had committed suicide. The patient had been the first person on the scene.

In the nightmare, they had a conversation where the patient was extremely angry with the dead man for the impact the suicide had on his life. The dead man told him that the suicide was his decision to make and that it didn’t concern other people. That made the patient even more furious. This conversation would happen every week in a nightmare. I decided to treat this as if it were a voice and appealed to the dead man in the nightmares as a person. This person was a personification of the trauma the patient was living.

I wrote a letter for the dead man from me said to the patient, “please read this letter right before going to bed.” As with Max, the patient thought this was a crazy idea which was not going to work. But since he had been having the nightmare for two years, he was willing to go along with the plan. He liked me enough to try. The nightmare with the dead man stopped as did the other trauma-related dreams. He later told me that when I suggested this plan, he didn’t think it was going to work. But it did.
LR: He was willing to try. A long shot at hope!
CH: I’ve had quite a few patients when I read these letters. I’ve been writing it while they were there, and just wanted to read it to them to make sure that I had all the facts right. And they would cry, because it just hit something apart from their own sense of themselves or their own minds. But something else, seemed to just appreciate it.

LR: The way you describe it is very consistent with Narrative Therapy’s focus on freeing people from systems of oppression.

CH: Yes, but with the twist that what seems to accomplish this work is the assumption that the problem is a person with good intentions. So it’s important not trying to resist the problem or undermining the problem, but to actually listen to what the problem is saying. I’m trying to acknowledge the good intentions of the problem, and then explain to the problem the effects of how it is going about its work of helping the person. I ask the problem to consider that the way it’s been behaving is having all of these negative effects. And then I just ask people to read this letter on my behalf to the problem every day. I say to the person that all they have to do is read the letter to the problem. And that’s been very effective.

LR: Do you ever introduce voices into your work with clients?

CH: In what sense?

LR: Such as with a client who has no history of hearing voices other than their own, where you might invite them or invite a voice into the conversation. Or is that a crazy question?

CH: No, no, no, I get what you’re saying. Yes, I do sometimes try to relate to the problem as a person when people are not hearing voices, and that that’s often very effective. I don’t usually explicitly introduce that or explain that. I allowed the person to wonder, like I might say, “I wonder if this depression might be trying to tell you something.”

I might also wonder aloud if “the depression has come at the time that it did in your life for some reason”. And then, based on what people have told me, I consider “well, maybe this depression has been looking at you and has been looking at how your life has been unfolding and how you’ve been dealing with your life. And perhaps this depression is aware of the things that are important to you, and therefore this depression is dissatisfied. It has been dissatisfied with what you have been doing, how you have been compromising with the things that are important to you, the things that matter to you, that you have been sacrificing yourself for the boss at work or whatever.” I might add, “maybe this depression has decided to make an intervention to stop you from living your life the wrong way.” The thing is with depression, at least in my experience, they tend to be like a sawn-off shotgun. When they fire, they fire all over the place.

I might continue, “Maybe this depression is, in fact, trying to dissuade you from living in a way that isn’t right for you, but in interfering with your life, it’s just hitting everything, putting you completely at a halt with lots of negative consequences. But maybe this depression wants something for you. And maybe we need to try to hear that message. Maybe you need to try to satisfy the depression with what it actually wants, its intention, not all the negative effects it’s also having, but it’s intention for you; what’s actually important to you, how you’re supposed to live. Maybe you’ve been compromising with something essential in the way that you’ve been living up to the point where this depression stepped in and interfered with your life.”

Often I worry that people think I’m crazy when I say these things, but I’m surprised that they don’t. They tend to be on board with that quite immediately, actually.

LR: So, in a sense, and regardless of the emotional valence of the voice(s), you consider them always on the side of the patient.

CH: Yeah, I make that assumption or at least try out that idea very carefully that the voices have good intentions before assuming that the problem has only bad intentions. Voices tend to respond quite well to the assumption that they have good intentions

LR: Even when a patient’s voices are instructing them to kill their parent? In cases like this, is it a safe assumption that the client has rageful feelings, or that there are rageful feelings toward the parents?

CH: They may or may not have those feelings, but I would try to invite the patient to explore the voice’s intention with me and also directly with the voice. The voice may have different reasons for wanting that. To become a teacher here in Denmark, you have to learn how to how to teach, how to communicate in a way that’s conducive to learning. I have the impression that voices have not had this course. Sometimes they’re very angry at their host human because they think the person hasn’t been taking care of themself, such as “Back when you were raped, you should have killed that rapist. I’m so angry with you because you didn’t and because you didn’t, I think you’re useless. You should die.” When what you’re hearing is just, “you should kill yourself, you’re useless,” It’s very difficult to see the good intention, but it is often possible to actually unravel it.

What the voice wants is for this person to stand up for themself, but that communication needs to be translated into something that’s acceptable for an actual human being to do. We don’t want to kill anyone, but that may be the voice’s way of expressing a desire for protecting the person, or demanding they defend themselves. In Alice’s case, the “others” would say, “kill him,” whenever they were angry with me because they thought I overstepped my bounds or talked about something they weren’t comfortable with. There, I would say something like, “I’m sorry that I have offended you. Please take another sip of coffee or let me give you another cigarette, and I’ll be more careful to not offend you in the future. That certainly wasn’t my intention.” And then they’d calm down.

Sometimes voices can have these very violent and graphic ways of expressing themselves, and that language may need translation. It shouldn’t necessarily be taken at face value. It may be an expression of extreme frustration and desperation on the voices part. And that’s what we need to understand so that we can respond to it in the right way; saying something like,“We don’t want to kill anyone, but there’s someone you want to blame. There’s someone you’re angry at, and you want something else for this person you’re talking to. Okay, let’s see if we can solve that, because I certainly get that. I get being angry at that. Right? I get wanting to defend yourself.

But, you know, voices, this person wasn’t able to do that back then. She was a child. She was powerless against this person. We have to find other solutions here. And I invite you voices to participate in that because I appreciate your good intentions. I wish she was able to defend herself back then, but she couldn’t. I understand why you want the rapist dead, I get that. But we can’t do that. We have to find another solution. But I want to collaborate with you to find that something that this person needs , something that they can do.”

Expanding the Subjectivity of Voice Hearers

LR: Christoffer, we’re nearing the end of the hour, but may I ask a question about cultural healing practices?
CH: That’s a very big issue. We talked about spirits and animism and all that, but my point is not to say that voice hearing and spirit encounters in various cultures are necessarily the same thing, and that people in other cultures are all hearing voices and or that people in our society who hear voices would be shamans in other societies. That’s not necessarily the case. The point is more that animism provides a different way of understanding subjectivity and a way of handling subjectivity that fits quite nicely with what works for voice hearers. So, I can be agnostic about how voice hearing relates to spirits. It’s more about the commonality in the subjectivity.

You know, we might learn something from the spiritual practices in other cultures without it necessarily meaning that what we call mental illness is the same as the experiences that shamans deal with. I think that would be a conflation and an oversimplification.

But there’s a common structure of subjectivity around voice hearing and the practices and understandings in other cultures. It’s a better fit if we don’t view what I do through the lense of traditional, Western theories and practices. These don’t lend themselves very well to doing what I have done with voice hearers, because it would be very difficult to go from a traditional psychological model to offering cigarettes to a disembodied voice.

From an animistic perspective; however, it makes a lot of sense. These are offerings. We’re making an offering of tobacco that’s found in many indigenous groups in the Americas. To make an offering is to appease spirits by making a gift. And when you receive a gift, you enter a moral community of mutual obligation. That’s the logic of an offering. Alice’s others responded to that.

LR: Lastly, and speaking of community, can you say a word about the Hearing Voices Network. Is their work and philosophy consistent with what we’ve been talking about?

CH: There’s a lot of similarities. When we set out to do this co-research, David Epston and I along with these patients decided to not engage with the literature of the Hearing Voices Movement to just start from scratch and make discoveries. But a lot of what we found is very similar to some of the discoveries of the Hearing Voices Movement. And of course, the Hearing Voices Movement doesn’t have one unified idea or one unified practice. They have this idea that people should be allowed to find their own way, but certainly some of the discoveries that they have made are very similar, like for example voice dialog. So, we have arrived at practices that are like what they have arrived at. I find that very encouraging, that without trying to do the same thing, we have arrived at similar practices, working from scratch. And that expands that notion of subjectivity across continents, across borders—not just ideological borders, but geographic borders.

LR: without trying to do the same thing, we have arrived at similar practices…and that expands that notion of subjectivityI think that will be a good place to stop. Thanks so much for this fascinating conversation, Christoffer.

CH: This has been a very interesting conversation. Thank you very much. I’ve enjoyed it.

©2025, Psychotherapy.net

Links to Christoffer Haugaard’s JCNT (Journal of Contemporary Narrative Therapy) articles

Respecting Voices: A Report on a Co-research Project Concerning Voice Hearing

The Ring in the Well: Psychosis as a Crisis of Identity

Rose and the Whispering Voices

Sitting through it with the Voices: Victoria’s story by Christoffer Haugaard & Victoria

Is it Ethical to Use ChatGPT for Diagnosis and Treatment Planning?

When questioning your work with a client, ever consider consulting Artificial Intelligence (AI)? Have you considered the ethical and legal implications?

A supervisee of mine recently introduced AI into our supervision sessions. My supervisee explained how they came to see the treatment plan development in relation to the feedback received through consultation with AI. In examining a specific client case my supervisee felt they were stuck with, we delved into exploration of AI professional relevance. Below is an excerpt reflective of one of our sessions:

Bringing AI into the Supervisory Conversation

Supervisee (SE): I am really struggling to understand why my approaches with the client do not seem to be resulting in the client’s therapeutic progression. Supervisor (SP): Tell me about some of the interventions you have used and how you came to establish their appropriateness for this client.

SE: I have tried cognitive restructuring first. AI suggested the intervention.

SP: Let’s start here. Help me understand how AI prompted the recommendation for cognitive restructuring.

SE: I asked AI, “what counseling interventions would help an adolescent female overcome social anxiety?” AI stated cognitive restructuring has been found to be helpful.

SP: What evidence did AI offer concerning the interventions’ effectiveness?

SE: No specific study was shared, just general feedback.

SP: When you say general feedback, do you mean reports from clinicians or clients?

SE: I don’t know.

SP: Did AI offer any scholarly sources?

SE: I did ask for resources to help me implement the intervention and some websites were shared. I read a few of them to see how cognitive restructuring has been used in sessions. Some of them had scholarly sources. I feel some of the resources were helpful for this client.

SP: I see that in your last session’s progress note for this client, you mentioned in the assessment that your client meets criteria for the diagnosis of social anxiety disorder and cited AI.

SE: Yeah, according to AI, my client meets the criteria.

SP: Are the criteria reflective of the DSM-5-TR?

SE: They should be.

SP: For billing purposes, you will be required to provide the appropriate DSM diagnosis. You will need to ensure the client’s symptoms meet the DSM criteria. Share with me how you found AI to account for your whole client. For instance, some of the information you gathered from the intake, and you learned through your sessions thus far.

SE: Well, I couldn’t share some of that information due to the client’s right for privacy and confidentiality, so I had to just generalize to populations like her being an adolescent female.

SP: Knowing these limitations, the need to research AI for sources and then research the sources’ relevance, why not just search for scholarly sources first?

SE: Open AI is easy and accessible with my phone so I can complete my notes on site between clients.

SP: Do you have your phone with you now?

SE: Yes, why?

SP: Would you be open to trying something using your phone?

SE: Yeah

SP: Please type in Google scholar in your browser and click on the link to open it.

SE: Okay, got it.

SP: Complete the same search here in Google scholar that you did previously with AI.

SE: Got it.

SP: How are these results compared to what you received in AI?

SE: Some of the relevant sources shared by Open AI came up. A lot of research-based articles came up in Google scholar.

SP: I want to take a moment to pause and offer some reflection on your experiences thus far with AI, progress notes, diagnosis, scholarly sources, and search for appropriate client interventions in general. Imagine going to court based on your work with a client and they claim you engaged in malpractice and unethical business practices based on your diagnosis, would you feel confident in sharing with the judge your current process in working with your clients?

SE: Not really to be honest. I feel like I am a bit overwhelmed, and AI has been a great tool to help me not stay at the office for hours after working with clients to complete documentation, but I am not always confident in what I am doing.

SP: Remember that confidence comes with time and this is why you have built in parameters right now to support… required supervision, open consultation hours with numerous senior clinicians, required team meetings for case conceptualization.

SE: I am a bit fearful people will not think I am good at my job and will no longer send me clients.

SP: What are your thoughts about a few clients that you feel confident in working with versus many you are unsure how to effectively support?

SE: I would rather feel confident, but I do not want to loose my job.

SP: First and foremost, thank you for your honesty. My role is to also support you to grow as a clinician and aid you with your development. Let’s agree for the next month, we will keep your caseload where it is at and revisit later to grow again.

SE: Thank you; I just don’t want my colleagues to think I can’t do my share.

SP: We all have seasons of life where we may need to provide best practices with our clients.

SE: I know.

SP: Remember, your ethical obligation, as well as mine, is to the welfare of theclients first and foremost. What would you rather tell the judge you used to guide your work and decisions with the client, AI or Scholarly resources?

SE: Scholarly resources.

SP: So why use AI? You shared the ease of access. Something to consider is also how you use it. I am not going to say all AI is bad, because there is also a great deal of research highlighting the benefits of AI. However, engaging with AI considering your compliance with HIPAA as well as your professional standards of practice is essential.

I proposed to you earlier about the client consideration and the credibility of the responses. There is a free training course I would suggest you complete that examines AI implementation for mental health providers. Here are the objectives for the course [shares screen]… how do you feel about this course being able to support your confidence with client work with use of AI?

SE: The course seems to cover many areas I am struggling with and supports the use of AI, which I like, so it may be a good fit for me.

SP: Instead of completing the three additional intakes assigned for you this week, would you be open to completing the three-hour training by our next supervision session next week?

SE: I think that is doable.

Final, but not Last Considerations

Lesson here, as a professional counselor navigating ethical best practices, you are encouraged to seek guidance from scholarly sources. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing your documentation in front of a judge, it is probably not the most ethical decision you can make. Applying ACA’s step 6 of the Practitioner’s Guide to Ethical Decision-Making model, application of the test of publicity, can further highlight if the choices you are making in the work with your client are choices you would be proud to stand by.

With AI specifically, we understand our world is consistently increasing its embrace. In healthcare alone, numerous AI platforms have been developed with the intention of supporting clinicians with their work with clients from advertising, intakes, platform capabilities, and even documentation. However, understanding how to distinguish between tools that align with your professional standards of practice is essential to not only protect the clinicians but also the clients. Furthermore, understanding how to implement the tools appropriately for your role with compliance to your profession’s ethical and legal parameters is critical.

In the Therapist’s Chair and at the Kitchen Table: Juggling Personal and Professional Struggles

Imagine a therapist, trained to help others navigate the darkest moments of their lives, who, despite years of expertise, finds herself unable to ease her family’s suffering regarding the mental health challenges of one family member.

Most of us know someone whose family is touched by mental illness or addiction; it’s a sad reality of modern life. When a therapist has a family member with mental illness, people might find it interesting, but most understand that no one is immune. But when a seasoned psychotherapist—armed with knowledge and resources—cannot help their child, that’s an eyebrow raiser.

That therapist is me!   

Therapists are expected to have answers, engage in stable relationships, make good decisions, and be overall healthy people. With all the education, training, supervision, and consultation, others often assume that we are equipped to pinpoint problems when they arise and have solutions. I remember how shocked I was to see my gynecologist, who delivered each of my children, walk out of a convenience store with beer and cigarettes. It’s normal to hold healthcare workers to a higher standard.

Nobody cautions us that training and education do not prepare us for the jerky rollercoaster ride of living with a child with mental health challenges. We do not get a map to navigate the bumpy roads of fear, anxiety, worry, and sometimes, shame. And we cannot be therapists to our children—emotion, protectiveness, and maternal instinct muddy the waters.

Being a therapist while also having significant personal problems at home is an isolating experience. A decade ago, shortly after achieving my goal of private-practice ownership, conflict drastically arose at home; I did not understand the severity of one of my children’s mental health challenges. I had difficulty responding to her behaviors, identifying effective resources, and taking care of myself. My self-talk was bleak. Am I hearty enough to handle all this?   

Anxiety invaded my family exponentially throughout this unpredictable period. It inflicted headaches, stomachaches, heart palpitations, and insomnia. I was dominated by fear and agony about how my problems affected my work with clients, even though the feedback I received from clients was positive, and they were unaware of my problems. I considered exiting the profession completely. I daydreamed about a far simpler job to make work life easier.

I was unaware of any other therapists going through the same thing. I kept my despair to myself. During consultation groups or supervision, I politely discussed cases with colleagues, and occasionally mentioned something trivial from my personal life, but nothing that risked judgment from other professionals. I felt alone.   

Shame was present in both roles: as a mother who failed to help her child, and as a therapist whose guidance for others did not work for herself. My heart ached with sadness. Intellectually, I made sense of my shame, but social stigma around mental health and self-imposed pressure to live up to a parenting and professional standard kept me quiet.

On one occasion, I was around other mothers of peers in my child’s grade who were celebrating their children’s college acceptances and decisions. Shame and sadness flooded my body when they talked about their child’s exciting plans. Was my child’s inability to achieve these milestones a reflection on me? Was her condition an indicator that I had failed as a parent and therefore could not possibly be successful as a therapist?  

Sometimes on social media, I saw posts by therapists who showcased pictures of their happy families and children with smiles on their faces. Sadly, I thought, Not my family. You might be wondering, What did you do?

Perhaps it was the years of effort to establish my dream-come-true therapy practice, recalling the original reasons for choosing this work, or the long-standing student loan debt—I decided to learn to cope, for my sake and that of my family, and to continue delivering quality care to clients. You ask, How did you do that?  

My answer: Focusing on three core areas—my relationship with myself, others, and work—helped me cope most effectively. Little by little, prioritizing these foundations built my confidence, strengthened my judgment as both a mother and a therapist, and guided me through difficult times. This is how I made it. 

Relationship with Myself

Finding a Therapist, or Two or Three

Therapy became my cornerstone for coping. I have engaged in psychotherapy throughout adulthood—not only in crisis but as steady support for daily life. For therapists, therapy isn’t just wise; it’s essential, especially when personal struggles feel overwhelming. I relied on my therapist’s insight, warmth, and the comfort of her office. She helped pull me out of the trap of relentless self-blame and anger. What did I do wrong? I’ve done everything I can to help my child; why isn’t she better?  

My therapist, a seasoned clinician of many years, has told me more than a handful of times that she has not known a mother to seek out and identify as many resources as I have. She helped smooth my tumultuous feelings and showed me that my efforts as a mother matter. The therapy process served as a continual resource for me. Over time, it helped me cultivate a belief that I was capable and resilient.

Throughout this journey, I addressed traumatic experiences during family conflict, so I started seeing an Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)-trained therapist. Those sessions freed me from negative patterns and boosted my confidence as a mother. I sought out an EMDR certified therapist who identified as a parent in her profile on her website. It was important to me to work with someone who I thought might understand that aspect of my turmoil.

I consulted a Bowenian family systems coach and immersed myself in seminars to understand my role in family dynamics. The work helped me focus on my influence—how changing my actions or words impacted my entire family system. Studying my family diagram deepened my understanding of generational patterns. Learning about triangles in my family made me more focused on my behaviors and thoughts.

I began to see the role of chronic anxiety and started to change the way I contributed to it. As an added benefit, my new understanding of Bowen theory directly informed my clinical work, allowing me to help clients break free from unwanted patterns. Sharing aspects of my Bowenian family systems journey with clients created a sense of common humanity and made me a more relational therapist.

Getting a Hold of Myself

At the peak of my anxiety, I joined a 10-month fellowship cohort to learn a specialized bottom-up modality, called Acceptance and Integration Training (AAIT), developed by Melanie McGhee. At first, the learning was personal. The experience was transformative—using sequenced protocols that addressed thoughts, images, emotions, and body sensations brought real relief. Taking responsibility for my inner state became the priority, with becoming a skilled therapist as a welcome side effect. The cohort and the program restored my confidence. I practiced daily: on my walk to the office, between clients, and before bed. When self-doubt or fear hit, I had tools to find relief. Calming my body cleared my mind, leading to better decisions for myself, my family, and my work. Once proficient, my clinical skills were sharper, and I utilized the approach with clients.

Seek Purpose, Find Perspective

Tunnel vision blinded me. Worries crowded my head, leaving little room for anything else. I lost a sense of purpose. Is this what my life amounts to? There were infinite ways to engage with life beyond the problems in front of me. I gave time to volunteering through my church to missions that reminded me of what existed beyond my small orbit of issues and privilege. I chaperoned a service trip with my youngest child. These experiences were doses of humility that filled me with a refreshing view of all the things that are important in this world. Perspective helped ease the self-imposed urgency to be a good mother and a successful therapist. 

Relationship with Others

Boundaries and Discernment

Personal, family, and professional boundaries begged my attention. They needed a reset. Stress often caused me to mask my feelings or censor content, leaving me uneasy with my dishonesty. When I did speak up—commonly out of anxiety—I’d instantly regret it. The unpredictability of others’ reactions left me powerless. Many people think they have a solution for you, even though they have not experienced the same thing, and the consequence for me was believing I was a bad parent.  

I learned how to discern between what I felt comfortable sharing and what to keep to myself. My usual discernment process did not apply. For example, I would typically tell my closest friends everything. Yet, I found that I needed to be more conservative about what I shared for two reasons. First, some friends lacked the capacity or interest to listen to chronic problems. As much as they cared about me, some could not tolerate the negativity. Second, nobody wanted to talk about the same conflict over and over. My “fixer” friends and protective friends seemed to find this difficult. To mitigate frustration, I said less.

I also needed to be cautious about what I told family members. I learned that some family members did not keep private information to themselves. Some family members spewed “you should just” while not understanding that those solutions had been tried and failed. Sometimes, telling family members reinforced the reality that while many people understand the difficulty of having a family member with mental health issues, most do not.

The boundary work of Julianne Taylor-Shore revamped my relationships so that I wasn’t as reactive or affected by others’ opinions. Taylor-Shore wrote about different types of boundaries. Her concept of the psychological boundary is the one that helped me the most. It is an invisible boundary that separates your thoughts and feelings from others. It’s a process by which I respect and allow others to have their thoughts and opinions while I have mine. The psychological boundary says that it’s okay for us to think differently about something, and when we do this, we reduce the risk of feeling offended or hurt by others’ words. We also develop more compassion for ourselves and others when we practice this boundary.   
  
When I communicated with a professional or teacher about my child, I tried to be factual and general. If I made mistakes in oversharing, the result was feeling ashamed and guilty for not protecting my child’s dignity and privacy. Learning how to be more discerning eliminated this risk.

After a few discouraging family trips, I realized things needed to change. One solution was to stop traveling as a family of five. My family and friends were confused. They said, “That’s sad that you are not all going together.” It’s sometimes hard for others to understand how setting personal boundaries, protecting my time and space for the sake of sanity, is non-negotiable. Once I practiced my psychological boundary, I understood that they had their opinion based on their own experiences, and I had mine. And that is okay. Instead of ending the conversation annoyed, I could say, “It’s complicated, but what works best for us.” The “it’s complicated” remark validated their question or confusion about not vacationing as a whole family, and the latter declared that my family values were not up for scrutiny.   

Support Groups

Parent support groups were trying for me. I was ashamed as a therapist who couldn’t “fix” my life, and I was frustrated by weak group facilitation, whether it was a professional or a volunteer. The solution came unexpectedly: I reached out to three colleagues who had mentioned having family struggles. I proposed we started a private, self-led support group to share our challenges. They all agreed without reservation. Now, we meet monthly, deepening our connection and trust with one another.

I joined a second support group with some hesitation—this one led by Judith Smith, author of Difficult: Mothering Challenging Adult Children through Conflict and Change. Dr. Smith’s serious, supportive style fostered a safe space. For the first time, I was among mothers who understood the pain of struggling with an adult child’s challenges, and I was moved to tears in our first session. After the formal group ended, a small group of us continued meeting every other week. We remain the only women in each other’s lives who truly get what it means to face these struggles.

Being in support groups eliminated frightening feelings of isolation. With two groups of compassionate and understanding women, the crazy-making thoughts of wondering if what I said or did was right or wrong do not exist. I talk about it with my understanding group members, who give honest and caring feedback.

Focusing on Other Relationships

Parenting stress strained my marriage, so my husband and I started therapy to improve our communication and work better together as parents. When I met my husband, I was ecstatic to be a mother. I wanted my kids to feel important, so I prioritized them over everything else. Our child’s mental health and the way it affected our family system often became a divisive topic, and our marriage needed attention. Having a therapist guide us through those rough conversations made all the difference.

Attuning to my other two children was also an intentional tactic to focus on the joy that was right there in front of me. I celebrated their milestones and made space for enjoyment with them. It was difficult at times when my head was fuzzy with fret and tension. Making myself available to them despite the family problems laid the foundation to open communication as they got older.

After my father passed away, I responded to my longing for connection with my cousins and relatives on his side of the family and initiated spending more time with them. Our visits filled me with love and laughter. Even though they only knew small portions of the challenges in my personal life, and despite differences in lifestyles, connecting with my family roots was grounding and important to me.   

Relationship with Work

Spotlighting Blind Spots

With so much stress related to my problems at home, my skills as a therapist dulled. Some days, I sat in my therapist chair, mind foggy from overthinking, and an undercurrent of anxiety coursing through me. I was listening, but not with curiosity. I was compassionate, but my capacity was too weak. Under those circumstances, I did not realize how susceptible I was to countertransference and vicarious trauma.

Countertransference is the therapist’s unconscious reactions, feelings, and attitudes that stem from personal experiences and unresolved issues. It is ubiquitous in therapy and might erode our well-being if ignored. It is a common topic in clinical training, supervision, and consultation groups. Certain clients evoked strong responses in me, such as disgust, anger, or anxiety. Raising my awareness of this dynamic and addressing it was crucial to the integrity of my work as a therapist. I processed countertransference in individual therapy, supervision, peer consultation, and in my small therapist support group.   

Vicarious trauma is the negative impact on us when we are exposed to other people’s suffering. For several months, I worked with a client who had a trauma history. I began experiencing bad dreams, difficulty falling and staying asleep, and intrusive images in my mind. I dreaded sessions with this client. I discovered that my empathy and imagination were overloaded, and I was absorbing too much of the client’s story.

A colleague referred me to an experienced psychologist who works with therapists. The therapist created a supportive space and listened to all of my symptoms. He helped me tune into my reactions and develop a plan to have more psychological boundaries in sessions with clients. My work with the psychologist liberated my mental and emotional space, so I was more available for my family instead of being consumed by someone else’s trauma.

Taylor-Shore’s boundary work also strengthened my ability to separate from clients’ stories. Taylor-Shore suggests creating an imaginary boundary (she calls hers a Jell-O wall) between yourself and the other person to filter what comes in and what stays out. The visual image of a slightly porous wall helped slow the intake of information, both content and emotion.

Somatic work from Acceptance and Integration training helped me identify my bodily responses to various feelings. Practicing mindfulness and breathwork signaled my nervous system to stay calm.

Reworking Work

I adjusted my work schedule—specific days and hours—to accommodate my family’s needs, prioritize my family, and continue working. Scheduling consistent days and hours for business-oriented tasks helped minimize anxiety about the business. I moved my office to be closer to home so I could get there quicker if a crisis arose.

Deciding who I want to work with and whom to refer out was a practice I developed over time. I eventually proved to myself that I had a choice. I learned to say no to some referrals. All therapists probably have a list of issues or populations that they would rather not work with. I clarified my list and stuck with it. Having a long list of reputable therapists to refer to was key to my confidence in saying, “No, I believe I am not the best fit for you, but I have trusted referrals for you, and I will be happy to connect you.”   

At last, I needed a major change. After reflection and discussion with trusted colleagues and family, I closed my private practice. Freed from business ownership, I sought employment with an established group practice. It was hard to say goodbye after fulfilling my dream of running my practice. That decision ultimately alleviated stress, added financial predictability, and brought greater stability to my life. I found that I thrive in a group among other clinicians. It is comforting to know others are around to consult with or say a friendly hello to. Being in a group practice affords me more time to take care of myself and my family.

Summing Up

Years of stress from raising a child with mental health challenges permeated every area of my life, including my professional work. Missteps and a lack of self-awareness about how this conflict affected me became a turning point, prompting me to seek change. When self-doubt and exhaustion overwhelmed me, I reached out for support, accessed helpful resources, and leaned on trusted individuals until balance was restored. This process enabled me to approach my clients with clarity and my family with openness. By strengthening my skills and understanding within each relationship, I became better equipped to continue practicing as a therapist and to be a more relaxed, present, and supportive mother for my family.  

Emigration: Hidden Suffering, Complex Grief, and Identity Transformation

The war in Ukraine has persisted for more than three and a half years. In that time, I have supported many Ukrainians navigating the psychological effects of displacement, both internal and external. Much of what is publicly visible focuses on logistics: relocation, safety, and survival. But behind these surface realities lie long-term emotional wounds—complicated grief, loss of identity, and fractured belonging—that are less discussed but deeply consequential

As a psychotherapist with extensive experience supporting clients affected by war through Soul Space, I have seen firsthand how displacement reshapes people from the inside out. The process is never linear. This article shares what I’ve observed, heard, and worked through with clients, offering insights into emigration as a deeply human psychological journey.

Displacement and Identity: A Shifting Foundation

When the war began, many clients were uprooted from their stable lives. In sessions, I hear stories of teachers who no longer teach, parents unsure how to guide their children in a new culture, and professionals who feel invisible. Their roles disappeared almost overnight.

This loss of social function creates emotional detachment and disorientation. People speak of feeling like they are “watching someone else live their life.” This state often resembles a suspended existence, not due to passivity, but because the ground under their feet has shifted too fast to keep pace.

What’s more, it’s not just individual identity that suffers. Whole communities lose their frameworks. The culture, rituals, and structures that support meaning and selfhood are interrupted. Even internal displacement within Ukraine has a similar psychological impact. The place may differ, but the rupture is felt all the same.

Grief That Doesn’t End—Complication, Confusion, and Collective Loss

Clients grieving in displacement are not grieving in the usual sense. There are no funerals for lost routines or roles, and no formal goodbyes to old homes. Instead, grief emerges in the form of disorientation, guilt, exhaustion, and self-doubt.

Many of my clients meet criteria for what is clinically called complicated grief: the kind that stays unresolved, not because people are unwilling to heal, but because they never had the chance to mourn properly in the first place.

As therapist and scholar Thomas Attig has emphasized, people grieve differently. In my work, I’ve seen how displaced clients carry layered grief for:

  • their homes and what they represented.
  • their community and place in it.
  • the future they had imagined.

It’s also common to encounter survivor’s guilt, especially among those who left their families behind. These emotions can complicate both healing and the capacity to feel joy again.

Therapy Themes—What I See in the Room

Functioning Outside, Fractured Inside
Clients may appear well-adjusted. They hold jobs, attend language courses, and care for their families. But inside, many describe emptiness or persistent numbness. Therapy offers space to pause and feel what has been hidden under duty and resilience.

Children and Parents Swapping Roles
Teenagers translating legal documents for their parents, children mediating with landlords—this kind of role shift is emotionally confusing and exhausting. Therapy helps clarify expectations, validate struggles, and restore balance.

The Strain of Chronic Uncertainty
People live in limbo, waiting for visa extensions, worrying about family, or feeling unable to settle or return. This uncertainty is not just logistical but deeply psychological. It erodes agency.

Disrupted Belonging
Even in communities that are welcoming, many clients say they feel “othered.” And often, they feel disconnected from who they were before the war. Helping them reconnect with lost parts of the self becomes a critical focus in therapy.

Host Communities Also Struggle
It’s important to acknowledge that migration affects those receiving displaced people as well. Many local residents have never been exposed to war trauma or large-scale migration.

They may experience:

  • fatigue from trying to help and not knowing how.
  • fear of change in cultural identity.
  • guilt over their own comfort in comparison.

If these reactions go unsupported, they can lead to distance or judgment, making displaced people feel even more alienated. Integration is not only about paperwork; it’s about mutual adaptation, patience, and shared emotional learning.

One Family’s Story

I worked with a Ukrainian family of four who relocated to Western Europe. The parents were in their late 30s. The mother experienced frequent panic attacks. The father became silent and irritable. Their daughter became withdrawn at school. Their son, only 6, began wetting the bed and refused to sleep alone.

We began with structure. We worked together to restore family rituals like shared meals and bedtime routines. The parents practiced grounding exercises such as short breathing pauses and body scans between sessions.

We gave space to grief. Each family member created a “memory journal,” not just for losses but for moments they still carried with them––songs, smells, images. Over time, the children began to sleep better, the father became more involved, and the mother’s panic attacks reduced significantly.

How to Truly Support

Many people want to help but don’t know how. Here’s what displaced people have told me helps:

  • show up consistently. Small gestures matter.
  • ask how someone is – but be ready to listen to the real answer.
  • don’t minimize loss. Being safe doesn’t erase grief.
  • stay open to discomfort. Growth happens in dialogue, not in perfection.

Communities must learn to adapt, just as the displaced do. Without this dual process, there is no true integration. More than three years into the war, the psychological work is still only beginning. For many of my clients, healing does not mean going back to who they were, but learning how to live meaningfully as who they are now. Therapy plays a crucial role, but so does community, policy, and the spaces in between where people rebuild themselves. Emigration is not just a change in geography. It’s a transformation of the self. If we’re willing to witness this transformation fully with honesty, patience, and humility it becomes not just a story of loss, but one of resilience and renewal.

On the Therapeutic Power of Presence

I’ve been a psychologist for almost 40 years, and I am constantly amazed at just how much neuroscience research is enhancing my clinical understanding of what psychotherapy clients may really need most. What I would like to talk about here is how the concept of presence—a state of grounded awareness of the present moment—can inform clinical practice and enhance the everyday lives of our clients.

Why Presence Is Important

Presence is a state of mind of selective and sustained attention where one is intentionally and nonjudgmentally receptive to one’s own senses, is active in reflecting on them, and is consciously directing their awareness to the present moment (1, 2). Presence first requires an awareness that we have, a capacity to experience it, and second, it requires the skills to make it happen. All clients—and clinicians—are on a continuum of both, so each client requires interventions tailored to their individual level of awareness and skills. But I am discovering more and more just how crucial it is to help clients learn how to be present with both difficult and life-affirming emotions. That is, how to sit with, better tolerate, and more fully embody those moments without reactively fighting them, distancing themselves from them, or becoming frozen by them.

Psychotherapy interventions are almost always chosen in the moment, because the timing of them is believed to be most helpful to the client. Cognitive-behavioral therapists may highlight a cognitive distortion, like all-or-none thinking; psychodynamic therapists may bring attention to a protective defense, like projection; Gestalt therapists may suggest the use of an I-statement to replace impersonal or blaming language. Even though the clinician’s application of their theoretical approach may be executed with textbook precision, the intervention can fall short.

For example, if a client repeatedly returns to a conditioned or protective response to difficult situations by jumping to unwarranted conclusions, by blaming themselves or others, or by characteristically pushing away or distancing themselves from their feelings, the best interventions of the clinician may not be enough. This is particularly true if developmental trauma or significant episodic injuries have occurred. When a client has difficulty taking in, processing, or applying the clinician’s intervention, or when emotional underpinnings of their symptoms may be so severe that access to the resources needed to make use of the clinician’s interventions are not available, building skills of presence may be needed.

The concept of presence is foundational to all psychotherapies but especially to somatic psychotherapies. From the early developers like Wilhelm Reich’s Orgone Therapy, Thomas Hanna’s Hanna Somatics, Alexander Lowen’s Bioenergetic Analysis, Moshé Feldenkrais’s Feldenkrais Method, and Ron Kurtz’s Hakomi Method to more modern approaches like Lisbeth Marcher’s Bodynamic Analysis, Pat Ogden’s Sensorymotor Psychotherapy, Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing, Raja Selvam’s Integral Somatic Psychology, and from the diverse work of Bessel van der Kolk, clinical practitioners have learned that using mind-body practices opens up new ways to strengthen their effectiveness—particularly for clients with chronic, unresponsive, recurrent, or refractory symptoms.

The Physiology of Presence

Modern neuroscience has provided a wealth of understanding of how presence operates and how it can be fostered. Being present in the moment causes neural and biochemical changes in the visual and prefrontal regions, causing increases in alpha and theta brainwave activity, reductions in autonomic nervous system activation, and changes in how information is processed and monitored. Research has shown that presence causes a cascading series of interactions between several identifiable regions of the brain, which sets in motion the activation of neurological and neurochemical changes that induce felt states of well-being.

More specifically, by setting our intention to be present, we activate a top-down process beginning in the dorsolateral pre-frontal cortex, which causes changes in two organizing cortical and subcortical superstructures known as the Default Mode Network (3) and the Salience Network (4). These superstructures coordinate distinct regions of the brain that are responsible for decreasing emotional arousal, reducing unpleasant self-referential thinking, and more effectively tolerating painful affect.

Merely intending to be present facilitates greater calm. When we begin to exercise greater presence, the Default Mode Network slows response reactivity. Additionally, substructures within the Salience Network (the anterior insular cortex and the anterior cingulate cortex) work synergistically with the Default Mode Network to a) detect mind-wandering to distressing thoughts and b) bring us back to a greater felt sense of calm and physiological homeostasis.

If our focus wavers, the Salience Network helps sustain our attention; it filters distractions; it slows our heart rate and breathing and decreases blood pressure and muscle tension; it increases heart rate variability; it downregulates the activation of our amygdala; and quite critically, it enhances our ability to monitor affective body states relative to actual occurrences in our external world. Stated somewhat differently, the neural circuit between the Salience Network and the amygdala allows us to accurately monitor the functional and dysfunctional interpretations we make about our outer world. For example, if we become frightened for no rational reason, presence triggers the Salience and Default Mode Networks that help bring us back to center.

Inducing Presence

There are literally hundreds of ways to induce presence in ourselves and in our clients. There may be several techniques that stand out and really work well for a particular client, and other clients may prefer using a wider variety of methods. Here are a few examples of ways clinicians have helped clients manage their physio-affective arousal by helping them make more consistent contact with the present moment.

Geller and Greenberg (5) believe that therapeutic presence is foundational to the therapeutic relationship, where the therapist’s whole self invites the client to become their whole self. The authors suggest the acronym P-R-E-S-E-N-C-E to organize a series of methods, where the client is asked to:

PAUSE (P)—stopping and creating a moment of stillness

RELAX/REST (R)

EMPTY (E) their mind of thoughts and judgements

SENSE (E) their physical and emotional state

EXPAND (E) their awareness of their external environment

NOTICE (N) the relationship or the connection between their inner and outer worlds

CENTER (C)—reconnecting with their core self and bodily groundedness,

ENTER (E) back into their immediate space or resume their actions or intentions prior to inducing the state of presence.

A method like this can be especially useful as an introduction to the notion of presence, as some clients may be quite unfamiliar with self-reflective and interoceptive processes.

In Somatic Experiencing (6), presence is induced when the clinician encourages the client to notice, observe, and become a witness to attendant body sensations, images, actions, impulses, emotions, or movements. If a calming or relaxing state is needed to temporarily offset the client’s overwhelming level of arousal, SE practitioners are encouraged to invite their client to slowly vocalize the sound “voooo,” which is reported to vibrate the vagus nerve, activating the parasympathetic (rest and digest) nervous system, and deactivating the dorsal vagal freeze response (7).

In addition to activating parasympathetic activity, the practitioner is also instructed to induce presence by prompting their client to notice their belly vibrating, to feel it do so, and to observe their overall physical reaction to making the sound. Levine also describes the use of Jin Shin Jyutsu, a Japanese mind-body system of self-regulation, where stronger states of presence and relaxation occur from better “energy flow” after performing a sequence of three body holds—placing one hand under the opposite armpit and placing the other hand over the opposite outer arm below the shoulder, placing one hand on the forehead and the other on the chest, and finally placing one hand on the chest and the other on the stomach.

For clinicians and clients who may be more familiar with interoception, Raja Selvam (8) highlights eight techniques for tolerating unpleasant emotions that also can enhance the experience of pleasant emotions. Each technique fosters greater presence with oneself and with one’s emotions:

a) breathing into and with the emotion

b) resonating with the emotion

c) heightening awareness of the emotion

d) visualizing the emotion dissipating, spreading more evenly in the body

e) vocalizing sounds that are congruent or resonant with the emotion

f) using self-touch to both support and make deeper contact with the emotion

g) enhancing one’s intention to make contact with, expand, or support the emotion

h) making very small body movements to release felt stuckness of the emotion

Applying these methods of presence to address an unpleasant emotion softens it and helps to better tolerate it. For clients with low tolerance for unpleasant emotions, the method is used in very shorts durations. At some point in the process, the client becomes aware they are tolerating the targeted emotion, when, at that point, they are prompted to notice the relief of having achieved it. Through the continued use of focused awareness and presence, the client is then guided to expand and make deeper contact with their relief. This typically results in a greater openness to and eventually a welcoming acceptance of the difficult emotion.

Other commonly employed presence inducing methods include inviting clients to:

a) name several things in their environment they can see, hear, smell, taste, and physically feel

b) scan and bring awareness to different parts of their body

c) take a long and audible sigh

d) gently stretch any part of their body

e) to look at something pleasurable in their environment and then to soften their eyes—relaxing their eyelids and facial muscles—while looking at it

f) simultaneously observe objects in their peripheral vision while focusing on a fixed point

g) toggle back and forth between looking at an object at a far distance—becoming curious about its nature, its history, its function—and then to notice how they are feeling about observing the object

Presence can also be fostered using the many forms of pranayama—a yogic breath control technique—an example of which is the mantra meditation So’ham, where on each in-breath one visualizes taking in all the positive energy of the universe and on each out-breath imagining expanding that positive energy to every part of the body. The very act of observing and reflecting on one’s internal states without judgement quiets the mind. Eastern philosophies and practices that emphasize living in the present moment are central to the many forms of meditation practiced throughout the world, which neuroscientific studies have shown similarly affect the brain superstructures discussed earlier (9).

As clinicians monitor their clients’ presence in sessions, they may already be well acquainted with when and how it fluctuates, and they may already be creatively using effective but less structured methods than those I have suggested. For example, I recently observed one of my client’s arousal level waxing and waning throughout a session, influenced by small things that were said by either them or me. By tracking these remarks along with correlated changes in their breathing, movements, and muscle tension, I was able to get subtle clues about what may be fostering or inhibiting presence. Monitoring my client’s real-time physio-emotional arousal, I was able to determine when the client was sufficiently present or needed support to do so—that is, whether they needed to build tolerance for a difficult emotion, rest from the unpleasant emotion, better regulate their arousal level, or expand their resources to address the emotion.

Lin: A Case Study

Lin had been my long-time client, who experienced significant developmental trauma from his father. At one point in our work together, he went through an extended period of unemployment in a vapid job market. Despite his considerable insight about his father’s impact on him and the substantial progress he had made with this issue, the stress of his unemployment was producing exacerbated and pronounced anxiety, which had brought him to the point of helplessness, exhaustion, and withdrawal. Lin’s precipitous overwhelm was also making it extremely difficult to calm him in the sessions, as he became more prone to unending ruminations about his difficulties, almost as if I were invisible to him. He was intellectually aware that his pondering was crippling him, but he could not relent from compulsively engaging in it while shaming himself for doing so. Despite my best efforts and those of his psychiatrist, something more was needed.

I decided to better employ the methods I have been discussing here to enhance Lin’s self-attunement. Although some aspects of what I was witnessing in Lin were related to his childhood, he was not in a resourced enough state of mind at that time to process interpretations about it. He was also not resourced enough to process feedback about cognitive distortions he was caught in, so I proceeded to address his immediate moment-to-moment, physio-emotional dynamic. He needed to become better present with how he was fanning his own flames, shutting me out as a support, and cutting himself off from his own psychic resources.

Because Lin seemed to need the simplest, most easily understood and tolerated intervention, I decided to begin the next session by encouraging him to take his time and look around the room, letting his eyes move the way they wanted to. . . and name five things he could see, then asking him to name two things he could hear, then one thing he could smell. Then I asked him how it felt to do so, to which he responded, “a little better.” I said, “That’s good, Lin.” He then quickly changed the focus and began characteristically ruminating on his troubles.

After empathizing with how tough a time he was having, I asked him how it felt at that moment in the session, and he responded, “Upset.” I then asked him if he noticed the shift he made, which he was able to acknowledge. I replied to him, “It’s excellent that you observed that, Lin.” Then I asked him to take a long, slow, audible sigh, where I could see him begin to settle. I could also feel myself settle a bit, which, in the resonance, helped me confirm I was on a good path in that moment with him. Although he soon began to agitate himself again with self-shaming accusations, it took him a little longer to start doing so. I’ve seen these delays occur with other clients, so it confirmed my intuition that his resilience for, and tolerance of, his troublesome emotions were growing.

I try to continuously monitor in real time my clients’ presence and their tolerance for unpleasant feelings. I think it helps me make better decisions about whether I should help them better tolerate their arousal or help them become better aware that they are tolerating it on their own. Sometimes clients need us to be their resource when they are having trouble maintaining access to their own inner resources. Sometimes it’s more important for them to see and feel our pride in them when they are handling their arousal just fine without us.

Gale: My Experience with Therapeutic Presence

This essay would not be complete without discussing the variety of ways clinicians wax and wane in maintaining their own steady presence with clients. Every day I work on learning how to be with my clients—to be awake, to how I repeatedly lose and regain attunement to them, to vacillations in my own internal emotional and physiological states, and to the subtle effects my degree of presence has on them. Being present is relationally essential: it facilitates empathic resonance, it prevents interpretive and empathic errors, and it makes my work and my life more enjoyable.

Like many, I grew up without being taught about emotions. It wasn’t until my late thirties that I realized I had feelings that I could identify and discuss. Through the study of academic psychology, through my clinical practice, and through my personal psychoanalysis, I have met many emotional mentors, some of whom, paradoxically, have been my clients.

Gale was a middle-aged, divorced client of mine, who regularly attended his sessions but who was highly reactive and talked incessantly without reflecting on his words or actions. Managing my own unpleasant internal reactions to him took some time. Although I recognized my countertransference reaction was stemming from my relationship with my father, this insight alone didn’t provide enough real and lasting emotional relief.

To regroup, I decided to take my own advice—that is, to apply to me and my own process with Gale, the recommendations I was making to my clients. In fact, this essay is a reaffirmation of what I continue to learn—how to authentically embody a better moment-by-moment attunement to “me” when being with my clients;how to give myself flashes of time to breathe, a moment to be with myself, to attend to me, to care for me, and to have an instant where I can honor and affirm my own existence.

As I permitted myself to focus on my needs while with Gale, a variety of methods to be more fully present spontaneously emerged. My next thought with Gale was to experiment with my own movement, so I consciously authorized myself to change my posture. Because I was so intent on focusing my attention on Gale, I realized that I wasn’t aware enough of my muscle tension and joint discomfort. As I crossed my legs, stretched my back, shifted my weight, I found myself quietly sighing. At first, it felt like a release, but it soon evolved into a wondrous return to a safe and grounded place—a place where I could give myself room to be with Gale’s loquacious tangentiality, without judging it or reacting to it.

From this place of peaceful inner calm, I started feeling more genuinely grateful for the relational space Gale and I were co-creating, and with it arose a greater sense of compassion and appreciation of his struggle. As I described in the earlier section on the physiology of presence, I could experience my arousal level diminishing, my dysfunctional interpretations of my outer world with Gale quieting, my capacity to accurately monitor my own body states increasing, and my tolerance for enduring my illusion that I was being ignored strengthening.

As if divinely inspired, my brain’s higher-order functions suddenly kicked in, and I realized at a visceral level that, not unlike myself growing up, Gale had no one in his childhood he could talk to about the things he wanted, for as long as he wanted. He never had anyone who wanted to be with him in the way he needed, to play with him on his terms, who conveyed to him that he was important, that he mattered. So, I sat with Gale, sometimes for whole sessions at a time, intently listening, staying present, breathing with intention, unobtrusively sighing, shifting my posture. . . until one day he began to slow and settle and finally voice, “I’ve had a lot to say,” to which I simply smiled and nodded.

At that moment, I could feel the resonance of his attunement with me and mine with his. Paradoxically, I became aware of what I believed I really wanted with Gale all along—not only for him to be aware of himself, but for me to be truly present with him, to connect with him, and to feel his connection with me.

References

(1) Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10, 144–156. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy/bpg016

(2) Koch, C., & Tsuchiya, N. (2007). Attention and consciousness: Two distinct brain processes. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 11, 16–22. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2006.10.012

(3) Malinowski, P. (2013). Neural mechanisms of attentional control in mindfulness meditation. Frontiers in Neuroscience, 7, Article 8. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnins.2013.00008

(4) Philip, N. S., Barredo, J., van ‘t Wout-Frank, M., Tyrka, A. R., Price, L. H., & Carpenter, L. L. (2017). Network mechanisms of clinical response to transcranial magnetic stimulation in posttraumatic stress disorder and major depressive disorder. Biological Psychiatry, 83, 263-272. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2017.07.021

(5) Geller, S. M., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Therapeutic presence: a mindful approach to effective therapy. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/13088-000

(6) Levine, P. A. (2010). In an unspoken voice: how the body releases trauma and restores goodness. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books. https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/inanunspoken-voice

(7) Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. https://wwnorton.com/books/9780393707007

(8) Selvam, R. (2022). The practice of embodying emotions: a guide for improving cognitive, emotional, and behavioral outcomes. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/673734/the-practice-of-embodying-emotions-by-raja-selvam-phd

(9) Bauer, C. C. C., Cabral, J., Stevner, A. B. A., Kirchhoff, D., Sousa, T., Violante, I. R., … & Kringelbach, M. L. (2022). Mindfulness meditation increases default mode, salience, and central executive network connectivity. Scientific Reports, 12, 13219. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-17325-6

Why Trauma Recovery Isn’t a Straight Line

When clients begin trauma therapy many hold onto the hope that healing will follow a clear path. They picture a beginning, a middle, and an end. A moment where the past stops hurting, their relationships feel easier, and their bodies finally release the tension they’ve carried for years. But as therapists, we know it rarely unfolds that way. Healing is not linear. It comes in waves. Progress can be followed by regression. A moment of insight might be lost in a fog of overwhelm. A good week can lead to a hard month. It’s not a step-by-step climb. It’s a spiral. Clients return to the same emotional terrain again and again, but each time, hopefully, with a little more clarity, a little more stability, and a little more strength.

Clients Might Not Recognize Themselves at First

One of the earliest shifts I’ve witnessed in my trauma work is a client beginning to question long-held coping strategies, survival instincts, and automatic responses. These were the very tools that kept them safe in environments where safety was uncertain. They may start setting boundaries and feel a wave of guilt they can’t quite name. They may say no and spiral into fears of abandonment. They may feel anger surface for the first time in years and have no framework for how to manage it.

This stage can be disorienting. Clients often wonder if they’re regressing or doing it wrong. In truth, they are beginning to do something radically new. The nervous system often perceives unfamiliar experiences as potential threats, even when those changes are healthy. That is why growth frequently shows up as discomfort.

As a therapist, I have found it to be essential to help normalize this phase and support clients in tracking these shifts as evidence of progress. What once felt unsafe begins to register as tolerable. And over time, it begins to feel like safety. This is not failure. This is the nervous system recalibrating.

For clinicians interested in exploring the neurobiological foundations of this process, resources like Bessel van der Kolk’s work, and that of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network offer helpful frameworks for understanding how neuroplasticity supports recovery. I keep reminding my clients and myself that discomfort is often a sign of meaningful change. With time, what feels unfamiliar now can become a source of strength and stability.

The Nervous System Has a Story to Tell

Trauma doesn’t just live in your client’s memories. It lives in their bodies. It often shows up in the form of chronic tension, unexplained exhaustion, or a racing heart in situations that seem calm on the surface. I have noticed how a client becomes anxious in safe environments, withdrawn when connection is offered, or goes numb during moments that would typically bring joy. These aren’t signs of resistance or dysfunction. They are adaptive nervous system responses developed to survive past experiences.

The body carries what the mind may no longer recall. My client’s nervous system often reacts before their conscious awareness catches up. These responses made sense in the context of trauma, even if they seem confusing or disproportionate now. As a therapist, I can help clients begin to recognize these embodied patterns with curiosity and compassion. The healing process often starts with noticing—subtle shifts like shallow breathing, clenched jaws, or emotional distance in the room. These cues are the nervous system’s way of communicating safety or threat.

Rather than encouraging clients to override these sensations, I guide them toward listening to their bodies with gentleness. When I help create space between sensation and reaction, I offer a new way forward. That space is often where integration and healing begin. In learning about how the nervous system holds trauma and how regulation begins with awareness, I have found the Polyvagal Institute to be a particularly useful resource.

In one session, I have found that a client may speak with clarity and confidence. The next, they might come in feeling discouraged after falling into old patterns. Maybe they people-pleased, avoided conflict, or ignored their own needs. They begin to question whether any of their progress was real. It was!

Healing is not linear. The strategies that once helped a client survive can resurface, especially when they are tired, anxious, or uncertain. These moments are not evidence of failure. They are part of the natural rhythm of recovery. What begins to shift is their awareness. They notice the pattern more quickly. They pause before reacting. They ask themselves what they truly need in that moment. These subtle changes are meaningful. They mark the growth of resilience.

I have also found it important to help clients see these moments for what they are. Not as regressions, but as opportunities. This is where change begins to deepen. When someone catches themselves repeating an old behavior and chooses even a slightly different response, they are practicing something new. There is also something powerful that happens in these harder moments. Pain and struggle often reveal where care is still needed. They slow things down. They invite both the client and therapist to listen more closely to what is underneath the reaction.

This is where the deeper benefits of pain and suffering begin to emerge. These experiences have the potential to strengthen emotional awareness, deepen empathy, and reconnect a person with their values. Suffering, while never sought out, can become a guide that point to unmet needs, long-held beliefs, or unresolved grief that is asking to be seen. These moments help build presence, not perfection. Setbacks are not the end of healing. They are woven into the work. I have supported my clients in seeing these experiences not as detours, but as part of the path forward.

Healing Can Disrupt Your Relationships—And That’s Okay

As clients begin to heal, their relationships often start to shift. They may stop over-functioning. They may begin setting firmer boundaries or expressing their needs more clearly. Behaviors they once tolerated may no longer feel sustainable. These shifts, while healthy, can create waves. Not everyone in the client’s life will welcome or understand the changes. And that can bring grief, confusion, or even guilt.

Clients may feel lonely even as they move toward what’s best for them. They may grieve connections that once felt familiar, even if those dynamics were rooted in dysfunction or emotional distance. Letting go of old patterns often feels like loss, even when it is progress.

At junctions such as these, it’s important to normalize these growing pains. Healing doesn’t always feel good at the moment. It can challenge long-standing relational roles and bring uncertainty to familiar bonds.

These disruptions also signal movement toward something more grounded, more honest, and more self-respecting. Support clients in recognizing that discomfort in relationships is not a sign of regression and can be a sign of emerging authenticity. Healing doesn’t always preserve the old. Sometimes, it clears space for relationships that are built on emotional safety, mutual care, and respect.

It’s Normal to Feel Tired and Take Breaks of Healing

There have been moments in my clients’ journeys when the work feels like too much. They may grow tired of telling their story, tired of tracking every trigger, tired of examining old wounds. The weight of self-reflection can feel heavy. They might withdraw for a while. Maybe they spend more time scrolling, bury themselves in work, or cancel a session or two. These behaviors are not necessarily resistance. More often, they are signs of fatigue.

It is particularly important to name and normalize this part of the process. Healing is demanding. It takes emotional energy, and it does not always move at a steady pace. Help your clients understand that needing rest is not failure. Taking a break is not giving up. Slowing down does not erase progress. Sometimes the most meaningful work happens when clients step away and give themselves time to integrate what they’ve already uncovered. Growth needs room to breathe. It needs softness and space. When clients return, whether next week or next month, I acknowledge that return. Remind them that showing up, even imperfectly, is still showing up. That, too, is healing.

Clients often come into therapy carrying unspoken pressure. They want to get better quickly, move on from the past, and prove they’re strong by needing less. Some may feel shame for still struggling or frustration that their healing is taking “too long.”

There’s No Deadline for Healing

Therapeutically, it’s important to gently challenge this mindset. There is no prize for speed. No gold star for needing the least amount of help. Healing is not a race, and there is no finish line.

What matters is consistency, not perfection. It’s the willingness to return to work again and again, even after a setback. It’s the slow rebuilding of trust within themselves. I invite my clients to move at a pace that honors their body and nervous system. I help them see that slow progress is still progress. I let them know that taking the time they need is not only acceptable but it is wise. Therapy is not about rushing toward resolution. It is about creating a space where healing can unfold naturally, with patience, care, and room to breathe.

Postscript

If your clients’ healing journeys feel slow, confusing, or filled with setbacks, that doesn’t mean they’re getting it wrong. In fact, it often means they’re doing the hard, necessary work of integrating change. Recovery from trauma is rarely a linear process. It moves in spirals, detours, and pauses because that’s part of what makes it real.

As therapists, we can support this process by holding space for grief, for uncertainty, and for the parts of healing that take time. We can remind our clients that it’s okay to move at their own pace. That healing isn’t measured by speed but by presence, consistency, and the courage to keep showing up.

Nancy Haug on Psychedelic-Assisted Psychotherapy

Lawrence Rubin: Hi Nancy, thanks so much for joining us today. You are a professor in the department of psychology at Palo Alto University, and an adjunct clinical professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine. You have ongoing collaborations with and a teaching role in the Stanford Psychiatry Addiction Medicine Program, where your current research interests include implementation of evidence-based practices in addiction treatment, harm reduction for substance use, cannabis vaping, and psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy. Welcome!
Nancy A. Haug: I would add to that that I do have a small private practice where I treat clients, some for addictive disorders, but I am mostly a generalist.
LR: I didn’t know that you also have a private practice. Do you practice psychedelic assisted psychotherapy?
NH: I do a little bit of that work, but it’s a very small percentage of my clients, and it’s mostly limited to the preparation and integration phases of psychedelic therapy. I’m not doing any kind of administration of psychedelics in my office or in my practice. My clients will get that elsewhere. And then I’ll help them integrate the experience into therapy. We can get more into that later.I’d like to start by acknowledging the indigenous peoples and practices, because many psychedelics are derived from sacred plant medicines that have been used for millennia by many cultures. This isn’t something new, because much of the work we’re doing with psychedelics comes from thousands of years of cultural shamanic traditions.

Psychedelics as Medicine

LR: Thank you for that acknowledgment. I think it’s important that clinicians appreciate the broader cultural and historical context of psychedelic use.So, there are practitioners of psychedelic medicine, and there are practitioners of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy—two distinct but overlapping applications.
NH: Sure. I think the medicine piece would be more in the context of something like Ketamine treatment and/or the administration of psychedelics in a more medicalized setting. Clinical trials are being conducted right now that are looking specifically at psychedelics as medications. But as a psychologist, I’m more focused on the therapy piece which I really believe is an important component. It is about the way that psychedelics can be therapeutic for psychological healing.
LR: much of the work we’re doing with psychedelics comes from thousands of years of cultural shamanic traditionsSo, you might have a client presenting with symptoms of depression or anxiety or trauma going exclusively to a medical professional and receiving one of the psychedelics, but not necessarily being referred to a mental health professional for integration into therapy?
NH: Exactly.
LR: Is there a turf battle between medical and mental health practitioners in the realm of psychedelics over who gets ownership over their use? A battle in which psychotherapy is considered a diminutive form, and the integration of psychedelics into therapy as an encroachment of sorts?
NH: I believe that a lot of the providers of Ketamine treatment would support integration into psychotherapy as part of that workIt depends on who you talk to. We can certainly get into the differences between the various psychedelics, but at this point, there are many clinics where people can receive Ketamine infusions for various conditions that don’t involve psychotherapy. But I believe that a lot of the providers of Ketamine treatment would support integration into psychotherapy as part of that work. I actually work with a psychiatrist who runs a ketamine clinic, and he is always asking me if I’m taking referrals or if I can give him referrals to other therapists. He does have some therapists built into his clinic, but there’s not enough of them to meet the patient needs. So, I think there is recognition that the therapy component is helpful and that it can improve outcomes.
LR: Which chemicals are most often used in this line of research and intervention?
NH: Ketamine was used as an anesthetic in veterinary clinics and given to soldiers in Vietnam in the 1970s as a field anesthetic. It’s also been used off-label for the treatment of refractory depression and suicidality.The classic psychedelics are LSD, psilocybin, DMT, which is dimethyltryptamine, ayahuasca, and mescaline, which comes from the peyote cactus. Of the hallucinogens that have been studied and are in current trials, I would say psilocybin has probably been looked at the most. And then we have MDMA––ecstasy or Molly, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, which is a serotonin, dopamine, or epinephrine agonist, It’s sometimes called empathogen or enactogen, which produces a heightened sense of connectedness or openness. It’s characterized by the person becoming very empathetic and compassionate. MDMA has stimulant properties, but it’s different from classic psychedelics, which affect more perception, cognition, mood, and sense of self.
LR: if someone is going to do this work, it’s very important to be familiar with the different compounds, their effects, and what conditions they’ve been applied toI would think that mental health professionals would really need to know their way around pharmacology to venture into this realm of practice.
NH: I really agree that if someone is going to do this work, it’s very important to be familiar with the different compounds, their effects, and what conditions they’ve been applied to—just knowing the research. Most training programs for therapists who are interested in integrating psychedelics into their work will include the history of psychedelics, and then there’s always a psychopharmacology piece that is addressed. I don’t really endorse one or the other training programs, but I think most of the established ones are pretty good. Psychedelics are classified as Schedule I drugs by the FDA, meaning they do not have an accepted medical use.Some states, including Oregon and Colorado, have initiatives supporting psilocybin use in therapy, but they do require therapists to go through training programs. I think they get certified or licensed somehow as being psychedelic providers, which I think is a good thing—just to put some controls around it. And this isn’t just limited to psychologists. Anyone who’s a licensed therapist can do this work and can get training. That includes licensed marriage and family therapists, and clinical counselors.
LR: Is there a national certification that is available, or is it currently a state-by-state affair?
NH: Not that I’m aware of. I think a lot of the training programs developed in the context of clinical trials, and now pharmaceutical companies that are doing drug development, like Compass Therapeutics, have developed their own kind of training protocols for doing this work, and there are a few manuals, like Deliberate Practice in Psychedelic Assisted Therapy, which is one of the volumes in APA’s Essentials of Deliberate Practice series.

Integrating Psychedelics into Psychotherapy

LR: Is there a standard definition of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy?
NH: psychedelic medicine may or may not involve therapy as it’s more focused on the administration of the psychedelic. I do have a definition of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy that I like to use which I pulled together for a presentation with one of my colleagues. Psychedelic assisted psychotherapy is a clinical intervention that combines preparation, psychedelic administration, and integration of experiences to facilitate psychological healing in the context of a therapeutic environment.All of these pieces are important components of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy. There’s also an umbrella term called psychedelic medicine, which you’ll also hear a lot, and that I simply define as applications of psychedelics or hallucinogenic drugs to the treatment of psychological conditions or psychiatric disorders. Psychedelic medicine may or may not involve therapy as it’s more focused on the administration of the psychedelic drugs. But I know you wanted to talk about the therapy piece.
LR: Am I correct in assuming that there are randomized controlled trial studies comparing psychological treatment with Ketamine alone and psychotherapy with a psychedelic?
NH: We’re still in the early stages of this work. There was a review paper that came out recently looking at the different types of therapy that have been implemented, but there’s not a gold standard at this point.
LR: if I’m going to do this work, I’m working closely with a physician or a psychiatrist who’s administering the medication in a controlled settingWould a psychologist need prescription privileges if they wanted to use psychedelics independent of a licensed physician?
NH: I don’t think that would really be part of our domain as psychologists. Our role is to provide the therapy! It’s important to work with other providers, so if I’m going to do this work, I’m working closely with a physician or a psychiatrist who’s administering the medication in a controlled setting. There is a treatment model where the patient will be prescribed sublingual Ketamine lozenges that they can take at home and then work with a psychologist or licensed clinician to do the therapy.
LR: I don’t know anything about half-lives of the various psychedelics, but must the client be in an active substance-induced state, and how do you know if they are?
NH: I think again it depends on which psychedelic medicine and on the particular model of treatment. With the IV Ketamine infusion, the person typically isn’t conscious, so you couldn’t really be doing the therapy while they’re under the influence. But you could afterwards, because there’s research suggesting that because of the brain’s plasticity after psychedelics, the patient may be more receptive to therapy within 24 to 48 hours after they’ve ingested the medication.Like I said, we really don’t have a gold standard. And I think there’s been some challenges in disentangling the effects of the psychedelic drugs from the therapy itself. Some trials have tried to incorporate evidence-based treatments like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. There is some evidence that this might promote better clinical outcomes. I think ACT specifically, and mindfulness therapies lend themselves really well as interventions because of the psychic or psychological flexibility that they target. So, combining that with the psychedelic might create synergistic effects. But again, we haven’t standardized it, so it’s really hard to even compare across studies. You asked earlier what I thought the mechanism of action was, so I did want to say that we really think that it’s a result of the interaction between the medicine, the therapeutic setting, and the mindset of the participant. People might take psychedelics like ecstasy at a rave, or mushrooms at a festival; but that doesn’t necessarily lead to them being cured of their trauma or depression. Because it’s a different setting that is not necessarily a therapeutic context, they don’t have a guide with them really exploring underlying processes. We really want to help the patient become clear about their intention, such as addressing their fixed beliefs or getting more in touch with certain emotions. The therapy can help loosen some of that up, which will allow for greater flexibility.
LR: there’s been some challenges in disentangling the effects of the psychedelic drugs from the therapy itselfWhat do you hope to tap into or capitalize on when applying psychedelic assisted psychotherapy?
NH: I think it’s different for each patient and depends on what they are coming in with. Are they coming in with an unresolved trauma? Are they coming in with existential depression? I try to determine where they’re stuck and what it is that they’re trying to get insight about. And if they have cognitive expectancies, which refers to what they expect might happen during the psychedelic experience, or their mindset. And that does require some preparation work.One of the things I would want to be clear about with my patients is what they are looking for and not overselling this therapy as a magic bullet or that they’re going to be cured of their depression. That’s not how it works, and so I would actually be hesitant to do this work with someone who came with the notion that psychedelic therapy is the end all, be all, and that they’re going to be fixed. That’s probably not going to be helpful for them. I might even want to temper those expectations by providing a more realistic picture of what could happen, which starts to get into some of the ethical issues around this, particularly with informed consent, because we don’t know what’s going to happen. How do we obtain informed consent when we can’t even explain the psychedelic experience? I can’t tell what’s going to come up, and sometimes there are even personality changes where the person becomes more open or has altered metaphysical beliefs. So, it’s important to provide a lot of education and information about what could happen, including some of the subjective effects. There are just so many possible outcomes.
LR: one of the things I would want to be clear about with my patients is what they are looking for and not overselling this therapy as a magic bulletIs there any solid research about how the brain actually changes under the influence of psychedelics that make it easier for the clinician to access conflicts, or to get through resistance, or for the clinician to more directly intervene on a particular issue? In other words, is there anything proven about what happens in the brain that allows for that?
NH: Absolutely. Psychedelics enhance neural plasticity. One model that’s been put forth is the REBUS model by Robin Carhart-Harris, which is about relaxed beliefs under psychedelics. The idea is that the psychedelics relax what they call priors, or prior beliefs, or assumptions to allow bottom-up processing in which information flows more freely, where the mind can really open. Psychedelics have also been referred to as “disruptive psychopharmacology” because they disrupt boundaries among brain networks, allowing for greater communication across the whole brain.Psychedelics are also considered nonspecific amplifiers of human experience. In other words, whatever the person is going into the experience with – their particular mindset and setting – is going to be amplified during the psychedelic-induced state of consciousness.
LR: one model that’s been put forth is the REBUS model by Robin Carhart-Harris, which is about relaxed beliefs under psychedelicsHave there been any randomized controlled trial studies involving the use of placebos?
NH: It’s really hard to come up with a placebo that is comparable to psychedelics because people usually know when they’ve been given a placebo. That’s actually been one of the most difficult pieces of doing this research is that we can’t actually blind people. I know with some of the Ketamine studies they’ve tried to use Midazolam, which is a benzodiazepine. Usually, people know the difference.
LR: Circling back a bit; you mentioned that ACT lends itself particularly well to psychedelic integration.
NH: I think that because ACT emphasizes mindfulness, anything–psychedelics in this instance– that allows for fuller contact in the present moment, can help the client more fully and deeply navigate the therapeutic experience including any states that may arise. As another example, I believe they’ve used Internal Family Systems model in the MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) trainings; and while I’m not trained in IFS, some people report that it’s useful because it helps the person look at different parts of themselves that they might not otherwise.In general, I would say that the therapy that occurs while the person is under the influence of the psychedelic tends to be more nondirective. In this context, the clinician and the client can respond in the moment to what is coming up. If the clinician is using a somatic tool or some other type of cognitive reprocessing, you don’t want to try to direct them in a particular way. It is important that the client’s inner wisdom, rather than the clinician or any particular technique, be the guide.
LR: it is important that the client’s inner wisdom, rather than the clinician or any particular technique, be the guideYou describe the presence of the psychedelic drug or experience as a co-therapist; a therapeutic ally or resource. The disinhibiting or loosening helps the person to get more in touch with their somatic experience. Whatever intervention you use may be enhanced, accelerated, or deepened. So, the therapist is a facilitator or guide.
NH: Exactly! You’re a facilitator or guide. In the MDMA trials through the MAPS program, they actually have two therapists, male and female. They have various reasons for doing it that way, one of which is perhaps to facilitate projection that could take place as the client reflects on their relational experiences. But it gets very expensive to have two therapists in the room for eight hours doing this work. I’m not sure how they could scale that.
LR: we have a lot of evidence that MDMA really does work with veterans who have been in combat; but also with survivors of sexual abuse and traumaYou mentioned that Ketamine has been successfully used for clients with depression. Do you have a sense of what the mechanism of action is in this case as well as with PTSD?
NH: Typically, MDMA is going to be the psychedelic of choice for PTSD. My understanding is that it promotes emotional processing, and reprocessing of the memories in a way that the person feels safe, less threatened by the memories or the images which allows to experience a deeper contact with those emotions or memories so can work through them.We have a lot of evidence that MDMA really does work with veterans who have been in combat; but also with survivors of sexual abuse and trauma. MDMA was recently reviewed for approval by the FDA but was rejected for various reasons including lack of supportive research. It’s hard to quantify and standardize psychedelic therapy, and since the FDA is not in the business of approving therapies, more research will have to be done. I do know that this outcome was very disappointing to the psychedelic community because we’ve been working hard at this for a long time and thought there was sufficient evidence, especially with PTSD, where clients with PTSD improve more with MDMA than with other behavioral therapies.
LR: I’ve seen an acceleration in progress for those clients who try psychedelic therapiesSince you spoke earlier about the role of client expectancy in treatment outcome, I’m wondering if you’ve noticed a difference in your own therapeutic presence or expectancy when doing psychedelic assisted therapy?
NH: I think I am more optimistic because I’ve seen clients who’ve really benefited from this work. I am hopeful that they will have breakthroughs because I’ve seen an acceleration in progress for those clients who try psychedelic therapies. They kind of get to the heart of their issues and dig into the meat of where they’re stuck a lot faster than they would with regular psychotherapy. I try to go in without any expectations and just let it unfold like I have no idea what’s going to happen.
LR: There’s so much research these days comparing the efficacy of various therapies, but I wonder how much emphasis you place on the role of the relationship in therapy outcome, especially when psychedelics enter the frame? Are you a technique-oriented person or relationship-oriented person, if such a simple binary even makes sense?
NH: I think I would call myself both, but it’s a really interesting question. I recently had an expert speaker come into my class to talk about CBT for addiction. He was talking about how we have all of these branded therapies, but that all good therapy really comes down to common factors and the therapeutic alliance. We need to foster a sense of safety and trust with clients, irrespective of intervention. In using psychedelics, a lot of fear can emerge, so they really need that safe space, which is where the therapeutic relationship becomes all the more important.

A Few Challenging Issues

LR: I’d like to circle back to the beginning of our conversation where you mentioned the importance of psychedelics with indigenous cultures. I don’t know the extent to which indigenous people reach out to traditional [white] therapists, but is there research on the use of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy within specific cultures?
NH: I don’t know that we’ve done enough of this. There’s a movement to try to be more inclusive, particularly in developing our approaches by consulting with indigenous communities. MAPS was doing some training to be more inclusive of therapists and clients of color. There was a paper published suggesting there are very few therapists of color or researchers in the field who are doing this work, so there’s definitely a need for more of this. We do know that MDMA and other psychedelics can be helpful for racialized trauma. Monnica Williams has done some of this important work.I have a student who did a dissertation on this topic where she interviewed clinicians in the community who were administering psychedelic assisted therapy. She asked them about motivations and workplace values in serving diverse communities. She had therapists of color and from marginalized groups, including one indigenous therapist. It was a qualitative study, and she had some interesting findings around the values that were being incorporated into their training, their identities, and then in their work with clients, and how countertransference reactions came into play. We definitely need to do more of this kind of research and perhaps even studies that look at therapy performed by clinicians who are given the option to use psychedelics like Ketamine so they can understand what the experience is like, although there would be challenging legal parameters there, especially around some of the Schedule I psychedelics.
LR: we do know that MDMA and other psychedelics can be helpful for racialized traumaAre there any counter indications for the use of psychedelics in psychotherapy?
NH: Absolutely! I would say clients who experience depersonalization, derealization, and intense existential struggles. There can be personality changes and long-term negative effects. I think it’s a small percentage, but there’s always a risk. I would say the same risks you would have with other medications and with therapy, right? There’s a percentage of people that can be harmed in some way, or for whom it can make their symptoms worse. It’s not going to be a positive experience for everyone.I think particularly along the lines of existential struggles. Some people might even encounter a higher consciousness or spiritual or mystical experiences that they weren’t expecting which can be disturbing. A person’s outlook on the world can change or they can wind up with a totally different perspective. For some people, that can be helpful, especially around end of life anxiety, where they can begin to feel more connected and safer around their own death. But sometimes, people can feel like they’ve died when using psychedelics, and that can be very unsettling. It can take a long time to integrate these kinds of experiences and to process things they didn’t necessarily want to see.
LR: some people might even encounter a higher consciousness or spiritual or mystical experiences that they weren’t expecting which can be disturbingSort of seeing someone for good old cognitive behavioral therapy and ending up at some existential cliff, looking at an abyss that they didn’t anticipate.
NH: Exactly! There’s another model I wanted to mention called the FIBUS model, or the False Insights and Beliefs Under Psychedelics. We know that psychedelics can promote therapeutic insights, but a person may experience misleading beliefs and insights that feel like they’re profound and true but might actually not be. So, one role of a therapist would be to help guide them in distinguishing what’s helpful, what’s harmful, what’s real, and what’s not.
LR: In that vein, I can see that psychedelics might not be useful with clients experiencing dissociative disorders, delusions, or cognitive impairment where they can’t rely on their own cognitive processing.
NH: Right, right! So, this isn’t for everybody. I think the clinical trials have done a really good job screening people by using strict inclusion and exclusion criteria. But in clinical practice, we could do a better job at looking at who might and who might not benefit from this, such as a person with a history of serious mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.
LR: Are there any particular resources that you would direct readers to if they wanted to learn more about psychedelic assisted psychotherapy.
NH: There are some professional practice guidelines for psychedelic assisted therapy, like the American Psychedelic Practitioners Association and the Ketamine Research Foundation. There was also a paper published on ethical guidelines for Ketamine clinicians. I know the VA provides Ketamine therapy for treatment resistant depression in some of the Ketamine clinics they’ve set up where they have established protocols. Yale University has a program for psychedelic science and published an article on the use of ACT with psychedelics. But, I would say the training piece is always of critical importance.
LR: many of my students come into the program really clear that they want to be psyche

Insight into the Clinical Challenges of Adoption

What does it mean to truly embrace the journey of families made by adoption? This question has both intense personal and professional significance for me. I am both an adoptive parent of BIPOC children and a play therapist who has taken the journey with many adoptive families as my practice has moved into the worlds of complex trauma and attachment issues. Adoption has long been seen as a solution—the miracle, that solves the problem of child abuse, neglect, and abandonment. During the era in which my husband and I were building a family, it was our solution to pregnancy loss and challenges to fertility. The miracle version of the story has inspirational, even profoundly spiritual overtones in many families. The idea of bringing together caring adults who want to be parents with children who have lost the care of their first parents through some version of tragedy and harm is an inspirational narrative. To the degree that it replaced the secrecy and shame of earlier decades’ approach to child placement and adoption, or overtaxed, harmful group institutional care, it represents a significant step forward in the lives of children and families.

Beyond Happily Ever After

Despite being a child mental health professional, I was not well prepared as a parent for the “what’s next” part of the adoption journey. However, neither was I alone. Many of the families that I have come to work with over the years have struggled to balance their own “miracle” language with the realities of the trauma and attachment loss for the child, even when placement and adoption occur early in life, before the so-called “age of memory.”

Thanks to Bessel van der Kolk and others, we are increasingly aware of the importance of somatic memories built implicitly in the earliest months of life, even in utero. When the preverbal or early in life trauma experiences compound with attachment loss and disruption, it make the realities of emotional and behavioral regulation deeply challenging. Parents, like myself, struggle to respond adequately to a day-to-day reality quite different from “the happily ever” after version of the adoption miracle story.

In this space, a trauma and attachment-focused play therapist who enters the family system can have such a profound impact. We have to be ready to challenge the miracle narrative and, in its place, use the best clinical tools we have to help the child feel supported in the unfolding of their own true and three-dimensional story. This story includes a recognition of the emotional, and often cultural, dislocation and disruption that is at the core of this adopted child’s life journey.

It also must address an understanding of the messages from the most fragmented parts of the self that are communicated through the body. Attempts to deny, dress up, or over-soothe these losses and disruptions can land badly. When loss and adversity are left unprocessed and unresolved, this can lead to the intense emotional dysregulation some children display, and for others, can lead to a ticking time bomb for a crisis of worthiness, belonging, and the capacity to form deeply satisfying attachments over the life span.

For children with multiple disruptions as they moved through the foster care system, the complicated wounds to their attachment exact a painful and complex cost, as there are so many missed opportunities for adults to keep their part of the attachment bargain—that every little human born into the world deserves to have their basic needs met, to be enjoyed and nurtured. By the time the adoption happens, these forever caregivers may have a lot to prove and the negative energy they get from the child is the cumulative effect of others’ failures.

Many of my clients’ parents with whom I’ve worked have despaired that their efforts to connect with, and shape, the behavior of their dysregulated and insecurely attached adoptive child(ren) are met with rage and rejection, instead of responsiveness. Often, I have felt those impulses as well, during struggles to make the child’s response make sense in a cause-and-effect, logical consequence version of the parent-child relationship. For a child who missed out on the basic building blocks of the serve and return part of secure attachment, consequences are perceived as threats, and may work to grow the most defensive and rageful parts of the child’ personality.

A Layer Cake Metaphor for Adoption-Based Therapy

One of the attachment concepts I find so useful in these moments is based on the notion of mentalization, and the ability of caregivers to create and sustain an attuned mental map of what is going on inside the child. Peter Fonagy and others have been writing for many years about mentalization and the impact on reflective functioning in the attachment between parents and children. In my own experiences, I have come to realize that clinging to the “miracle” narrative can sabotage mentalization.

Why does this happen? So often the impulse to spare children the hard parts of their own story or soothe away uncomfortable information leads to a real phobia of their own child’s distress and the resulting failure of mentalization. The answer to this challenge is for therapist—and the adoptive parent—to help the child make sense of their story, including the hard parts; expand the family system’s capacity to hold the distress without minimizing it, and do this work with the parent as an active participant, with support from the therapist.

In attempting to teach a group of clinicians about weaving together of all the things that seem important in therapy with families, I came up with the metaphor of the layer cake. Play therapy, trauma/attachment work, dissociation theory/parts work and family therapy are all a part of this multi-layered work, even as we try to help our clients eat the “whole thing,” bite by bite.

I think of my work with a child who was adopted from an orphanage in the developing world as a preschooler, and the complicated, but beautiful layers of how the therapy unfolded for him a few years after his adoption in the US.

Play Therapy Layers

Like many children, offering open and child-centered play in the playroom, led to the emergence of post traumatic play narratives, giving clues or hints to the preverbal experiences. One example was many narratives around characters fighting over scarce resources, as well as abandonment stories played out with dinosaurs, video game characters, and superheroes.

Dissociation/Parts-Work Layer

Dissociation is the infant/child’s solution to the unbearable threat of betrayal by the original caregiver whether through overt abuse, neglect, sexual exploitation, or attachment loss. To fragment and isolate that chain of painful associations and emotional/somatic stress is a very adaptive way to cope. By the time this child entered therapy, these dissociative patterns had resulted in some fragmentation, including rageful episodes and “baby” parts who were almost incapable of receiving soothing from the parent. The parent admitted to a lot of dysregulation herself in the early months after placement and compounded the effect with threats, yelling, spanking. It was clear that we needed to playfully befriend these dissociated parts through some expressive work. Using a lot of drawing and flexible sand tray creations, we involved the parent experientially in play scenarios apologizing to the hurt parts of the child that she had frightened.

The EMDR/Trauma Protocols Layers
Bridging from trauma content held implicitly in play into first person narrative work, while staying grounded in the present is a tricky business. I used a flexible and playful approach to adding EMDR processing in the playroom for short periods, especially when the adoptive parent was able to support and bear witness to that work. This often served an additional purpose of shifting angry and embittered caregivers into empowered and compassionate ones.

As they come to see their child’s story through their eyes, it increased their reflective capacity and attunement. This parent struggled at times with her own impulse to soothe—she and I talked of her desire to “put a bow on it” and keep the child from feeling the intensity of his losses and rejection as he grew older, and became more aware by following my lead in the playful EMDR sessions.

Anti-Racist, Anti-Bias Icing on the Cake

This is an area of great challenge for adoptive parents who may have limited experience with the day-to-day realities of being Black or Brown, especially in the White majority spaces where many adoptive kids are growing up. In this case, the parent had really minimized the impact of cultural dislocation for her child, but as I insisted on broaching the subject directly, we discovered a lot of distress for him around looking different from her, navigating racial/cultural groups of peers, and as we began to work through the hard parts of his own story, anger at the birth country for “throwing away children” arose.

Permission to feel big feelings was needed throughout that work, and collateral work with the parent on her own biases and perceived need to soothe and minimize these experiences of microaggressions was crucial. Given the polarization and negative narratives in the wider culture, this work will likely be ongoing throughout his development, but the work so far has helped them both to have a framework in which to stick together, and build the parent’s capacity to move past the “miracle” of coming together into the power of growing together through adversity.

***

As my own children have moved from adolescence into young adulthood, I continue to marvel at how unfolding layers and the expanding capacity hold the hardest parts of their stories. I never cease to be humbled by my own invitation to that process, in my own family, as well as in my psychotherapy work, and even the potential to act in a wider culture that needs that capacity now more than ever.

Redefining Strength: A Black Woman’s Journey to Healing

Redefining Strength: A Black Woman’s Journey to Healing

Kayla sat in my office with her arms crossed against her chest—a familiar shield against the world. At 23, she had grown accustomed to protecting herself, whether necessary or not. She avoided eye contact with me like the plague, guarding herself as hard as possible. “I don’t even know what I’m doing here,” she said, her eyes fixed on the floor. “This is so awkward.”

“That’s normal,” I said.

As a therapist, I have heard many clients share that they are unsure of what has led them to therapy. What was always different for me was tonality. I have heard people voice uncertainty about therapy with anger and even sadness. Kayla’s voice was filled with exhaustion.

“I feel so out of control as of late. I feel like I’m in a loop of the worst days of my life. I go to sleep thinking about my mistakes. I always wake up feeling worse than I did the day before. I’m eating and spending like crazy. I’m so tired.”

Kayla’s specific wording and my clinical judgment led me to believe there was more behind what she shared. So, I asked her, “What is weighing on you?”

Kayla burst into tears, and for the first time, she looked into my eyes, hers filled with anger and sorrow. “My mom died! I finally tell her how much I hate her, and she dies!” Kayla sobbed as her words lingered in the air. It had been a year since her mother passed, but as we know, there is no time limit on grief. Grief moves at its own pace and intensity. For Kayla, grief was feeding off her deep-rooted trauma.

“I keep replaying that argument with her over and over. Maybe what I said caused her too much heartbreak. Maybe she’d still be here if I had kept things unspoken.”

I leaned forward slightly.

“Kayla, your mother’s passing is not your fault.”

Kayla shook her head as tears continued to roll.

“Then why does it feel like it is?”

A Childhood Built on Survival

Kayla’s childhood was a lesson in what love wasn’t. She realized early on that her mother was not like the mothers she saw on television who supported their children and told them they loved them at the very least.

“My mom wasn’t like Clair Huxtable or anything. I didn’t get hugs or life lessons. She just wasn’t that kind of woman,” Kayla said. “I can’t recall her ever saying she was proud of me. When I would make good grades or clean my room, she would say,‘That’s what you supposed to do.’”

For Kayla, affection was nonexistent, validation was rare, and she never felt safe displaying anything other than strength. Kayla felt sympathy for her mother as she knew her mother faced hardships as a child herself. Kayla’s grandmother shaped her mother into the woman who raised her—distant and emotionally unavailable.

Over time, Kayla began to convince herself that she was the one who needed to change.

“I just stopped asking for things that she couldn’t give me. I consoled myself. I taught myself. I protected myself. I didn’t want to rock the boat with her because she was always extremely irritable. It annoyed her whenever I was in need, so I stopped needing her.”

By age ten, Kayla had perfected the art of being invisible. She didn’t ask her mom for love. She didn’t ask for affection. She didn’t ask for help. In turn, she saved herself from disappointment.

The “Strong Black Woman”

Kayla’s experience growing up was a complex one due to the emotional neglect and also the unwritten rules of what it takes to be a Black woman (1). She grew up being told to be strong and keep going no matter what. There was not enough room for anything else. Kayla comes from a family of Black women who embodied these qualities as armor against the world. Growing up in a space that offered little empathy to Black women, Kayla’s mother taught her how to survive, and that was her act of love.

“She used to tell me that if I think anyone cares about me crying, then I have a lot to learn,” Kayla stated angrily. “Like crying made you weak or something. In a way, she was right. I had to make sure people knew I was nothing to mess with!”Even after Kayla’s mother died, she felt like she had no space to grieve. “My aunt told me everything happens for a reason, and we can’t spend time crying. So, you mean to tell me I can’t have time to be sad about my mom’s passing? Even in death, do I have to push on? That’s a lot for anyone. If my family knew I was here, they would wonder why. After everything I have endured, they would still wonder why. Because we don’t do this.”

In addition to her trauma and grief, Kayla was struggling with knowing that she needed help but feeling uncomfortable while seeking it. There has been an undeniable stigma in the Black community when it comes to mental health. As a Black woman myself, I resonated deeply with her.

“My aunt would probably be like girl, you need to talk to God, and not no therapist! Talk to God, and you will be all right. Like I haven’t been talking to God. Talking to you is my last hope at this point.”

Kayla was plagued by wondering if she should even be here as a Black woman and also hoping that therapy would “work” for her.

“You know you can do both, right?” I asked. “You can talk to God and spend time in therapy.” Kayla arched her eyebrows as if she were in deep thought. I continued, “James 2:14 says, ‘Faith without works is dead.’ Kayla, you are doing the work right now.”

“Wow, I’ve never thought about it like that,” she smirked. “I like that!”

Naming the Wounds and Breaking the Cycle

Kayala learned to survive from an early age, and her defensive tactics served her well. Now, it was time for her to thrive. I discussed clinical diagnoses with her, and her mood instantly changed. I could tell she was not fond of labels.

“What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder? Are you saying I’m crazy?” she asked, irritated.

“Absolutely not!” I said sternly. I swiftly disputed Kayla’s thoughts so she didn’t disengage with me. “A diagnosis is not about calling you crazy; it’s about creating a roadmap. Knowing your diagnosis helps us understand what’s wrong and how we can fix it.” I continued while I still had her attention, “Right now, your mind still seems to think that you are in danger, and it is responding accordingly. Kayla, you are safe now, but your experiences in life have wired your brain into a constant state of fear. When this happens to us, it is hard to regulate our emotions or trust new people because that is not a priority; safety is. That is why we are looking at Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. We need to look at the research for what has been proven to work with your symptoms.” (2)

Kayla’s jaw tightened, but I saw a flicker of understanding.

I continued. “Now, some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD concern me. Again, this does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It simply means that something happened to you that is causing patterns similar to BPD to arise in your personality.”

Kayla previously reported mood swings, fear of abandonment, and impulsive choices that she wished to cease. I wanted her to understand that these symptoms made sense when one has endured the trauma that she has. Giving it a name only serves as a guide to addressing her symptoms.

“But here is the most important thing,” I said. “None of these things mean you’re crazy. They mean your brain did what it had to do to survive. And now, we’ll teach it a new way of looking at life.”

She nodded slowly. This time, she was really hearing me.

The Work: Using DBT to Rebuild Control

Kayla discussed feeling out of control when she first sat on my couch. She said she was tired and had exhausted all options. She wanted to feel different. Therefore, we had to try something different. Kayla was stuck in a cycle of emotional dysregulation, intrusive thoughts, and impulsive behaviors—trying to numb a pain that never seemed to dull. As a result of her trauma and grief, she had become avoidant. She had cut off her family in an attempt to forget her past and her unfavorable memories of her mother. She had also distanced herself from friends, convincing herself that being alone was the safest way to be. However, the isolation only compounded her sadness.

“I like to be alone. I don’t have to worry about anything…or anyone,” she said.

It was clear that avoidance had become a comforting survival mechanism for her, blocking her pathway to healing by dismissing the very things she needed to address. That is why Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was the chosen approach for Kayla—she didn’t just need to talk about her pain; she required structure. She was new to managing her emotions and grasping concepts of healthy communication. As someone who always “just dealt with it,” Kayla needed practical tools to help her regulate her emotions, tolerate distress, and rebuild her broken relationships with family and friends (3). DBT would allow Kayla to accept her past and present circumstances while learning tangible ways to help her approach her overwhelming emotions less detrimentally.

Kayla’s case and the use of DBT demonstrate its flexibility beyond its original purpose for borderline personality disorder for managing trauma and grief as well. Unlike traditional talk therapy, DBT provides tangible solutions to change. It was designed for people like Kayla—individuals who felt emotions so intensely that they often became destructive. With some culturally adapted tweaks, I knew DBT would be life-changing for her.

DBT Treatment Sessions: A Step-by-Step Process

Reframing Emotional Regulation Through Radical Acceptance

“So, what? I just breathe through my feelings? That’s not gonna do anything,” she snapped when I introduced emotional regulation techniques. Kayla came to therapy with the belief that any emotions outside of anger made her weak. She had been taught to be a strong Black woman. For her, that, unfortunately, meant suppressing pain and keeping her composure no matter what she faced—crying, asking for help, or expressing vulnerability felt like weakness. Regulating emotions meant giving in and giving up. We needed to reframe that thinking. I knew I had to introduce something concrete that would challenge this belief in a way that made sense to her lived experience.

That’s when I introduced Radical Acceptance.

“To radically accept something means acknowledging our reality no matter how much it hurts. It doesn’t mean you like it. It doesn’t mean it was fair. It simply means it happened and is out of our control.”

She narrowed her eyes.

“So, I just roll over and accept what happened to me? That sounds like letting people run over me.”

“It’s the opposite,” I assured her. “It means you stop wasting energy on what has happened and can’t be changed, then you can focus on healing and moving forward.”

We practiced this with a powerful exercise. I asked Kayla to create two different lists. On the first, I asked her to list everything she wished had been different. On the second, I asked her to write down the reality of what happened. Kayla hesitated, as if putting the truth into words would finally make things real for her. But eventually, she did it.

When she finished, I asked, “Which one is true?” She looked at them for a long time before responding.

“The second one.”

“And which one are you living in?”

She tearfully stated, “the first one.”

“That’s why it hurts so much.”

There was silence. I saw Kayla arch her brows again, as she always does when thinking.

“I guess I can’t change the past, huh? Being angry about it isn’t going to change it for me, either. I need to focus on what I want to be different now and make a plan to change my now.”

Managing Impulsivity Through Distress Tolerance

In our next session. I wanted to focus on Kayla’s binge eating and spending. These weren’t random actions. They were her mind’s way of coping with her trauma and grief. These behaviors were a quick way for Kayla to feel something other than discomfort, if only for a brief time.

“I don’t think—I just do it,” she admitted when we explored her excessive spending and binge eating.

I introduced distress tolerance skills to teach Kayla to sit with her uncomfortable feelings. One of the most valuable techniques for this was the STOP Method:

  • Stop – Pause before you react.
  • Take a step back – Create space to think before deciding.
  • Observe – Notice your emotions without judgment.
  • Proceed mindfully – Act with awareness.

At first, she was skeptical about being able to control her urges. But then, one evening, I received a text from her: “I almost spent $500 online on something silly, but I stepped away from my phone and did that STOP thing instead. So… yay, I guess.”

It was a small victory for Kayla but a critically important one. Over time, she began to master interrupting her impulsive urges. We were replacing her self-destructive behaviors with healthy coping skills.

Processing Trauma Through Mindfulness & Exposure Our next session was challenging as we addressed Kayla’s most potent and longest-held form of self-protection; we addressed her avoidance. I felt that Kayla had enough coping skills at this point to start to touch on some of her trauma that impacts her today. She shut down and cut off anyone who was a reminder of her trauma, further isolating herself and feeding her negative behaviors.

“I just don’t have time to think about any of that stuff. It feels bad,” she told me once.

But avoidance doesn’t erase trauma—it only buries it deeper.

I introduced mindfulness-based exposure therapy, where she slowly confronted the memories she had been running from. We spent half of one session just looking at a picture of her mother and addressing the emotions that rose from that. Eventually, we reached a point where Kayla was listening to an old voicemail her mother had left her shortly before her passing. Her mother called to check on her as she had not seen her since their argument. Kayla’s hands began to tremble; her breathing became shallow.

“This hurts me so much,” she whispered.

I nodded.

“I know. Just go with it.”

As she let the tears roll, she didn’t dissociate. She sat in how she felt. That was a breakthrough!

Breakthrough Session: Onward to Healing

Months into therapy, Kayla no longer felt like she was spinning out of control.

“I still have my bad days,” she sighed. “But I don’t feel like I can’t do anything about it anymore.”

Her progress was never about curing her pain. It was about living with it more healthily. She was still grieving, still processing, only this time around, she had the tools to cope. As she stood up to leave our session today, she paused. “You know,” she said, “I think my mom would’ve liked you.”

I smiled, and said, “I think she would’ve liked you too.”

Kayla walked out of my office that day, not healed, but healing. For now, that was enough.

Reflections from the Therapist’s Perspective

My experience with Kayla has grown me in ways no training or manual could. After some time sitting across from her, I realized that I was doing much more than simply applying interventions to an issue. What I was providing Kayla was a safe space. As big as the world is, many people do not have the space to be truly vulnerable and seen in their pain. In that space, it was not about how much I knew academically, but how deeply I could listen, be present, and make it safe for her to unravel.

Therapy is often misunderstood as something people do to “fix” an issue. However, healing does not come from quick fixes. Healing comes from connection when I can help carry the weight someone shouldered alone for far too long. Kayla reminded me that everything I do matters. My patience, validation, and commitment to her healing mattered so much. These small and consistent actions are the most powerful tools a therapist can implement during therapy. Most importantly, I learned I cannot validate what I do not acknowledge.

Kayla’s life experiences, beliefs, and values all stemmed from her upbringing. They stemmed from her identity as a Black woman in her home and the world. As a Black woman myself, I resonated deeply with the themes around mental health that Kayla had come to know as truth. As a Black therapist, I am even more grounded in my belief that therapy must make space for cultural humility and the intersectionality of the people we sit across from. Their identity, history, and experiences make them unique. That said, we must see our clients for all that they are.

References

(1) Carter, L., & Rossi, A. (2021). Embodying strength: The origin, representations, and socialization of the strong Black woman ideal and its effect on Black women’s mental health. In WE matter! (pp. 43–54). Routledge.

(2) Bremner, J. D., & Wittbrodt, M. T. (2020). Stress, the brain, and trauma spectrum disorders. International review of neurobiology, 152, 1-22.

(3) Prillinger, K., Goreis, A., Macura, S., Hajek Gross, C., Lozar, A., Fanninger, S., … Kothgassner, O. D. (2024). A systematic review and meta-analysis on the efficacy of dialectical behavior therapy variants for the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 15(1), 2406662.