Interpersonal Connection: Noticing the Needs of Others

Ancient Roots

In my recent book, I introduced an approach to physical, emotional, and spiritual health called The Connections Paradigm. This is a technique derived from an ancient Jewish tradition that I have used successfully in my clinical practice with clients.

The idea behind the paradigm is that human beings, at any given moment, are either “connected” or “disconnected” across three key relationships. To be “connected” means to be in a loving, harmonious, and fulfilling relationship; to be “disconnected” means, of course, the opposite.

The three relationships are those between our souls and our bodies (Inner Connection), ourselves and others (Interpersonal Connection,) and ourselves and a Higher Power (Spiritual Connection). These relationships are hierarchical, with each depending on the one that precedes it.

I began learning about interpersonal connection early in my career as a clinician. Back then, I was meeting with patients who seemed to have every need you could imagine. Some of my patients had needs that were similar to my own; others had needs that I never personally experienced.

“I struggled to place myself in the shoes of people who lived in circumstances very different from my own”, like the time I worked on a geriatric unit and treated several older patients with age-related problems that I had never encountered. There were other patients from whom I learned about culture-specific needs that I will probably never fully grasp, let alone experience. In other cases, I saw needs associated with specific health concerns that I never had, and with dire personal and financial circumstances that I pray to avoid during my lifetime.

Through this process, I concluded that being sensitive to each patient’s needs—i.e., interpersonal connection—is one of the most important skills in being an effective therapist.

I have also observed the most common ways that people fail to notice the needs of others. Once, a twenty-nine-year-old male patient of mine named Danny completely disputed the importance of noticing other people’s needs.

“I’m more of a doer,” Danny told me. “I only feel like I’m making progress when I’m actively involved in something. And at the end of the day, getting things done is more important than thinking about other people.”

“But how do you know what another person needs unless you develop your sensitivity?” I asked.

“A lot of the time their needs are obvious,” he said. “And if not, they should tell me.”

“Doesn’t it feel better when someone notices your needs without you telling them?”

“Um?.?.?.??I guess so,” he said.

“And let’s be honest,” I said, “do people really always know what they need? There are times when everyone in someone’s life can see clearly what they need except them. And sometimes we are sure we need one thing, but someone else can see that we really need something else.”

“What’s your point?” Danny asked. “I just don’t want to sit and think about other people, I guess. Is that so bad?”

Danny’s Story

Danny first came to treatment after a brief psychiatric hospital inpatient stay for severe depression. He had lived at his parents’ home for several years after college until he finally got a job and decided to move out. Within a few months, however, he was seriously considering suicide and ultimately checked himself into a hospital.

“”I’ve always gotten depressed, but this was worse”,” he said. “When I was living by myself, I was not really thriving. I had a job I hated and not much of a social life. I thought about moving home, but my depression just kept getting worse until I knew I needed to go into the hospital. I had to stop working, and I didn’t really have enough money.”

After his hospital stay, Danny decided to move back home with his parents. “I just need some time to relax and not worry about bills,” he said.

Danny’s psychiatrists recommended outpatient care, and he came to my New York clinic a few days after he left the hospital. As part of his treatment, I stressed the importance of self-care, positive thinking, and staying active. His condition improved relatively quickly. But as he started getting better, he experienced a backlash from his siblings.

Danny’s parents were elderly and had health problems. His father, 84 years old, was going through the early stages of dementia, and his 75-year-old mother, who had suffered several bone fractures as a result of severe osteoporosis, could no longer go up and down the stairs without help. They both struggled to do basic chores to keep their house in order, and Danny’s siblings felt that he was putting pressure on them by moving back home.

“I basically do whatever my parents ask me to do,” Danny said. “We have a good relationship. They say they’re happy that I’m home. But my brothers and sisters say I’m making it harder for them. Last weekend we all had a ‘siblings meeting’ to talk about Mom and Dad, and they basically ganged up on me. They said the house is dirty and that I’m not keeping up with the laundry and stuff like that. My older brother comes just about every day and he’s been giving me the stink eye for months, and I really didn’t know why until this weekend. We used to be really close. But now that I know how they feel I’m really annoyed.”

Danny was spending a lot of time applying for jobs and making sure he was taking care of himself so that his depression would not return. “They think I’m just sitting around doing nothing,” he said, “but I need to focus on getting back on my feet. And really, the house is not that messy. My parents have complex medical issues, but basically they’re doing okay.”

“You said you do everything your parents ask you to do,” I said. “So what are those things?”

“They don’t even ask me to do much. Sometimes my mom will ask me to help her get up the stairs, or my dad will ask me to help him to move something heavy. But they like to handle things on their own.”

With Danny’s permission, I spoke with his parents and siblings and got an entirely different story. “Danny was simply not aware that he was creating a significant financial and interpersonal burden on his parents and making their old age much more stressful”. He expected that his mother would cook, clean, and do laundry for him, and he would routinely leave his belongings around the house, even though they presented a tripping hazard for his parents.

His siblings were frustrated and even exasperated with his selfishness, to the point that they wanted to throw him out of their parents’ home even if it would lead to rehospitalization or worse. I managed to calm the siblings down, with the hope that I could get through to Danny in therapy.

During the next few sessions, I continued to discuss the core concepts of interpersonal connection with Danny, and he eventually acknowledged that his interpersonal style was a significant contributor to his depression over time.

Other Peoples’ Needs

“Years ago, when I lived in California with a friend after college, it was my highest point of functioning. I had a job, a girlfriend, and things were going pretty well. But over time, my friends got fed up with me because I have this unhealthy tendency to focus on myself more than others. I grew apart from my girlfriend and also my roommate, and eventually moved out on my own. But the costs of living were so expensive, and the next thing I knew, I was in major debt. It’s been a bad situation ever since.”

“There are ways to improve how you connect with others,” I told Danny, and he seemed interested to learn more. “Interpersonal connection starts with noticing other people and what they need, and eventually making an effort to make them happy. Being sensitive to others’ needs helps us to remain connected to others and helps us to feel more confident and happier ourselves.”

As a preliminary exercise, I encouraged Danny to make a comprehensive list of someone else’s needs. Danny initially wanted to focus on his older brother, but I encouraged him to choose one of his parents instead. “You see them a lot more often,” I said, “so you have a better perspective on what they need. And they seem to have a lot of difficulties right now, so many of their needs are more noticeable.”

Danny reacted negatively to my suggestion, suspecting it indicated my agreement with his siblings that he was not caring for his parents’ needs. “I’m not making any judgments on how you’re behaving in your relationships,” I said. “You’re my patient. I’m focused on helping you.” Danny reluctantly complied with my recommendation, and we spent nearly half a session making a list of all his parents’ needs.

The exercise turned out to be a powerful experience for him. He became especially conscious of the consequences of his parents’ physical health decline, and how he had indeed become more of a burden to them than he had previously acknowledged.

At our next session he said, “It’s hard for both of them to go out anymore. My dad used to be so active, he took a lot of pride in his work. Now he can’t do anything but sit at home and watch TV. It’s definitely not easy for my mom that she can’t go out to see my nieces and nephews. She used to take care of them every day, but now it’s too hard for her even to go visit them at all.”

It was slow going, but we were getting somewhere.

In truth, Danny had already been aware of his parents’ needs, but verbalizing them made them more visceral. I asked him to focus not only on his parents’ emotional needs but also on their physical needs. “Well, when it comes to physical needs, I guess they have enough money, so they’ve got that taken care of.”

“But your mom is in a lot of pain, right? Relief from pain is also a very strong physical need,” I said.

“That’s true. But I can’t do anything about that.”

“Maybe, but the point is to consider her needs, not necessarily to solve them. What about your dad?”

“He moves okay and he’s not in pain, but I guess his dementia makes it hard for him to handle all the basic things that he used to do to feel good. We put notes around the house because he doesn’t always remember where things are or how to use them. My brother told me we’re all going to start wearing name tags when his dementia worsens.”

Danny became emotional as he began taking serious stock of all the ways his parents were struggling to meet their own needs. “The thing is,” he said, “I still can’t see how it helps for me to get upset about it. It’s not like there’s anything I can do.”

“Maybe not,” I replied, “but being mindful of other people’s problems is important. That feeling of empathy you’re experiencing now is interpersonal connection. I can see now why it’s hard for you. The truth is that you really feel their pain. It’s very hard for you to see them suffer. It’s actually because you are a caring person inside that it’s so challenging for you to acknowledge that they are suffering.”

Danny started to cry, and then a wellspring of emotion came forth. He was visibly distraught with how his parents were suffering and how he had contributed to their pain. Over the following month, Danny’s behavior started to change. He not only improved his self-care but became much more considerate of his parents’ needs, and even his siblings.

Danny also became less introverted and eventually found a decent-paying job, where he developed friendships with several of his coworkers. A few months later, he said, “If I’m being honest, I’m not doing that much more to help anyone, but even thinking about other peoples’ needs has given me much more perspective. I have more interesting conversations with people now. They open up more since they see that I’m focused on what they’re saying, and that I care about them. Even my conversations with my siblings are better.”

***


As my work with Danny illustrates, interpersonal connection requires noticing other people’s needs with true sensitivity. Doing so enhances our ability to help them when they do not explicitly ask for our assistance. Furthermore, the importance of noticing others’ needs goes beyond improving their wellbeing; our own connection benefits as well when we develop finely-tuned empathy for other people.
 

Help-Seeking-Rejecting Clients and The Therapist

I realized the other day that over the course of my lifetime, I have probably joined and cancelled gym memberships about 25 times. I always enter these contracts with a bright sense of optimism and hope—“This is my year!” I usually proclaim proudly. I may even go a few times before my motivation starts to dwindle. My pattern then dictates that I consult with a personal trainer. The personal trainer is always very optimistic and willing to help. However, after I beg the trainer to push me in the workouts and give me at-home routines, it usually takes about a week or two before I am back in the manager’s office asking to cancel my membership. It is never that I do not want the help, but rather that binging television shows and napping on the couch will always feel better in the short term than sweating through my pants while trying to pretend that I am not as winded as I look.

I relate this experience to my work with the patient who ostensibly seeks but ultimately rejects help. I often find myself frustrated and overwhelmed by that person who comes in asking for help but does not seem to be interested in the coping skills and practices I offer to support them in their improvement. In a sense they seem stuck, and, in turn, I feel stuck right along with them.

I have worked with patients before who continue to stay in their romantic partnerships despite their feelings of unhappiness and desire to date other people. I can remember one patient in particular who had been in a romantic partnership for over two years despite describing herself as unhappy. She noted that each time she engaged in sexual intercourse with her partner, her vulva burned and spasmed. She noted that when she engaged in extramarital affairs with other men, such a reaction did not occur. Despite trying different positions, lubricants, and doctors, the problem persisted. It was discussed that the relationship was making her so unhappy that her body was physically rejecting her partner. Sessions focused on processing the meaning of this relationship and noting why it was so hard for her to leave this person. They also focused on exploring feelings related to the breakup process and using effective communication strategies to foster mutual respect. However, as time continued and the extramarital affairs increased, it was clear that this was not the right time for the patient to end the relationship. At one point I became so frustrated that I myself wanted to grab her phone and send a break up text! The more I have reflected and thought about my reactions, the more I realize that they have more to do with my own ego than with the patients and their progress, or lack thereof.

Each time I encounter a help-seeking-rejecting patient, I want to hear that they have used the coping skills offered that week, and their lives have changed for the better because of those actions. I want this outcome not only because I want them to live happier and more authentic lives, but also because it would mean I have been successful in some way. It would mean that something I did or suggested mattered and helped change an outcome. Clearly, it is difficult not to personalize my patients’ wins and struggles as my own. As if I really had some power to control what happens! It is ironic because it is also me who frequently recites the common therapist phrase “You cannot control others; you can only control yourself and your reactions/perceptions.”

And so I realize it is my job as a therapist to meet patients where they are, letting them know that sometimes it is okay not to be able to or want to change right now. Just as it is okay for me to cancel a gym membership I am not using, sometimes it is okay to be stuck. That is not to say that this patient cannot and will not change in the future (I will keep joining gyms, and one day it may work for me!), but more to accept that patients are not always in a place in their lives where they can (or want to) change. Sometimes clients, like therapists—me included—must accept they are doing the best they can in the moment with the tools and circumstances they have.

I think it is great when patients improve in some measurable, objective, and defined way. However, I do not think therapy is an exact science, and I have come to learn (and accept) that clients will experience lapses, relapses, and periods of stagnation. In doing so, I am better positioned to help them find a sense of peace in a world that tries to shape and change them beyond what they can do.

Countertransference to Sexual and Developmental Trauma in the Psychoanalysis of a Disabled Patient

Our First Meeting

Referred to me by a colleague, Tanya was an elementary school principal who had polio as a child. When I initially asked my colleague how severely Tanya had been affected, she told me, “It isn’t too bad.” When I opened the door to my waiting room to greet my new client for the first time, I was shocked to see that Tanya had a deformed arm and leg. She struggled to get out of the chair and when she stood up, I was struck by the contrast between my colleague’s description and the reality before me. I wondered what made my esteemed colleague deny the severity of Tanya’s deformity.

Tanya settled into the chair in my office and was silent. Although she was in her late thirties and a successful professional, she was dressed like a pre-adolescent in short white socks and sneakers. When I asked what brought her for psychotherapy, she said she wanted to feel sexual.

“Everyone else has somebody,” she said. “They have a husband, they have children. I have nothing. I hate my life. I need something, help me, help me,” she cried. “I need something. I want someone to love me. I want to get married. I want a family."

In her third session, Tanya began talking about her deformity.

“Nobody can see it,” she said. “Nobody knows I had polio, that’s why nobody says anything about it. You can’t tell, can you? Can you?”

Shocked that she could be in such a state of denial, I hesitated a moment.

“Yes,” I said as softly as I could, “I can tell you had polio.”

“I’m sorry. How can you say that?” she yelled. “You’re horrible. I’m sorry. I’m not coming back.” She hugged her purse but did not leave.

Tanya’s pleading for me to deny her deformity and the repetition of “I’m sorry” continued for many months. It grated on me. I wanted to yell at her: “Stop it, I can’t stand it.” Session after session as the same scene unfolded over and over, I felt tortured by her, and I felt guilty for feeling tortured.

““I think my mother couldn’t stand me,” she said. “She wanted me to go away.””

Finally, to my great relief, I realized that this was an enactment of her experience with her mother.

When Tanya was ten, she complained that she had intense back and neck pain, but her mother told her “it was nothing” and to go to sleep. But Tanya could not sleep. Finally, when she was in such pain that she couldn’t walk, her parents took her to a doctor, who said she had polio and needed to be hospitalized immediately. Her parents did not explain it to her. The doctors explained it to her parents, but not to her. She did not understand that she would have to remain in the hospital for several weeks. Her parents did not visit every day because the hospital was far from their house, and when they did visit, they only stayed for an hour. Tanya was filled with anxiety and rage.

When she was finally released from the hospital, recuperating at home, Tanya often pleaded for her parents to tell her she would not have to go back to the hospital. Her parents said, “No, don’t worry.” They knew that was not true, but they could not bear her reaction to the truth. When she had to go back a second time, she was enraged that her parents had lied to her.

“Tanya felt betrayed and unprotected”. Her parents said they would visit and didn’t come; they said she would be fine, and she wasn’t. After a while she felt that she could not trust anything they said. Later, when she went through puberty and the curvature of her spine worsened, her mother assured her that no one could tell she had had polio.

I knew that telling Tanya that I could see her deformity would enrage her. But if I had tried to avoid it when she communicated “Don’t you dare say you can see it,” I would have communicated that I was unable to deal with the reality of her polio—just like her mother.

Nevertheless, I continued to feel I was between a rock and a hard place with Tanya. I did not want to lie to her as her mother had, but telling her the truth enraged her.

“Do you think I’ll get married?” she pleaded over and over.

I felt a wave of meanness. The lyrics to “Que Sera Sera” came into my head:

“When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother
What will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.”

I knew any answer other than “yes” would result in her fury and threats to quit treatment.

“I cannot predict the future,” I said. “I don’t know if you will get married.”

“You’re horrible,” she yelled, picking up her purse from the floor and embracing it. “How can you say that to me? I’m sorry. What’s wrong with you? I’m sorry. I’m not going to come back anymore…”

“What would you like me to say to you?” I asked. My head throbbed.

“That I’m going to get married like everyone else. What’s wrong with you?” she yelled.

“Do you want to get married?” I asked.

“Of course, I want to get married. But who will want to marry me?” she cried.

“I could hear my heart thumping. What am I going to say to her?” She was right to feel her chances were diminished because of her disability.

“You’re right,” I said. “There are some men who will not be interested in you because you had polio. But there are some men who don’t have perfect bodies either or who are more interested in finding someone who they can feel close to than whether her body is perfect.”

She was quiet.

“You had polio, and it affected your arm and your leg,” I said. “That is part of who you are, but that is not all that you are.”

Tanya had not been able to accept that she had polio and tried to cope with it by joining in her mother’s denial that it was visible. I realized that my referring colleague had also been drawn into the denial.

Being a Sexual Person

As the treatment deepened, it became clear that Tanya’s overwhelming anxiety was not simply the result of her polio. One session was a turning point in our understanding Tanya’s level of anxiety and confusion. She began by talking about seeing her doctor for dizziness.

“I went to see Dr. Roberts, and he took my blood pressure,” she said. “It was lower than it has been since this whole thing began. But then he took it ten minutes later and it went up. But it still wasn't as high as it has been in the last few weeks.”

Tanya sat with her legs spread apart. Her crotch was in full view. She did this often when she was wearing a skirt. I was trying not to look at her crotch while she was talking to me, but I thought she was not wearing underpants. I thought to myself that perhaps she was just wearing dark underpants. At first, I questioned whether I was imagining things, but I knew what I was seeing. I started thinking about how to handle it. If I ignored that she seemed to be exposing herself to me, I would be denying the reality. On the other hand, I knew that however I said it to her, she would be mortified and furious at me if I brought it up. In the past I felt the mortification would be too much for her, but this time I felt I could not ignore it.

“Are you aware of how you're sitting?” I asked.

Tanya immediately put her knees together.

“What are you talking about? What are you saying? I'm sorry. You hate me. You think I'm bad. What are you saying? You want me to leave?”

“I don't hate you,” I said. “I don't want you to leave. You were sitting with your crotch exposed to me, and I think that has some meaning. Don’t you?”

“I'm sorry. I like you and I respect you. I don't know what you're saying,” she cried. “You think I'm bad. I'm sorry. You want me to leave.”

“I know you like me and respect me, and I don't want you to leave,” I said. I leaned forward in my chair. “I don't think you are bad. You don't need to apologize. I just think that sitting like that means you have some feelings about yourself and about me that we need to understand.”

“I'm sorry. Sitting like that doesn't mean anything. I just don't think it matters how I sit.”

“You mean it doesn't matter if your crotch is exposed or not?” I asked.

“”I just don't feel like a sexual person. I don't feel like a woman”. Look how I dress. Look how I take care of myself. I just don't feel like a sexual person; that's why it doesn't matter how I sit.”

“You mean you feel like there's nothing between your legs?”

“That's right. What's between my legs is dirty and smelly and bad and disgusting. You don't want to see it.”

“So you think that I am pointing out how you're sitting,” I said, “because I feel your vagina is bad and smelly and disgusting.”

“I offended you. I'm sorry. I won’t do it again. Don’t worry about it.”

“You didn't offend me. But I think exposing yourself is a way of telling me something.”

“You know, you're really inappropriate sometimes. I can't believe you said that to me. Who would say such a thing? I don't know anyone who would say such a thing.”

““You mean you would rather I act like your mother and make believe that there's nothing between your legs or that it's too disgusting to talk about?””

“Maybe it's like the polio. I don't want you to see that I have it. I want you to say you can't tell I have it. But I also don't think I have anything. I am completely out of touch with my body,” she said, crying. “I don't feel connected to it. I can't touch myself still. I don't feel like a woman. Even now with the operation, I still don't really have breasts. Sometimes I don't even bother to wear a bra.”

“What about underpants?”

“What do you think is wrong with me? Do you think I don't wear underpants? Of course I wear underpants.”

“If you don't feel you need to wear a bra because you don't feel you have breasts, I wondered if you don’t wear underpants because you feel you don't have a vagina or clitoris."

“Of course I wear underpants, what do you think is wrong with me?” she yelled. “How could you say that. I can’t believe it. You must think I’m disgusting.”

She got up and walked out of the office. I was not sure she would come back.

When Tanya did come back for the next session, she was angry for the first few minutes. But then she told me that after the session she remembered her mother sitting in the living room on the couch with her legs spread and touching herself.

“You mean your mother was masturbating in front of you?” I asked.

“Yes. She did it in front of my brother too. I wasn’t sure what she was doing. I asked her to stop, but she said she wasn’t doing anything.”

Tanya explained it was like listening to her older brother masturbate. She told her mother that her brother was making strange noises and she didn’t want to share the same room with him, and her mother told her it was nothing and she should just go back to bed. Tanya grew up in a dark, one-bedroom apartment. Her parents slept in the living room, and she and her older brother shared the bedroom. Her parents could have afforded a larger apartment and were even offered one for modest cost in the same building, but her mother did not want to move.

Her mother and brother overstimulated Tanya, and her mother’s denial gave Tanya no protection from the anxiety created by it. Tanya was forced to develop other ways of coping—being confused, not knowing if she was hearing things or not. Her anxiety was so overwhelming it interfered with her thought processes and her reality testing. Years passed in therapy before Tanya brought in a dream she identified as sexual.

“My car was damaged, someone hit it and the door and fender were all bent. I looked underneath, and it was perfect. I felt surprised and happy.”

“When did you have the dream?” I asked.

“I had the dream after our last session. I think it’s about myself. I am finally accepting that I am damaged on the outside, but I am all right inside.”

“Yes, it sounds like a positive dream. What comes to mind about looking underneath?”

“It was underneath the hood. Inside. But it sounds sexual doesn’t it? Maybe I realize that I am damaged outside, but I am not damaged sexually.”

“And you're surprised?” I chuckled.

“Yes, I have always been afraid of sex. Something is wrong with me. When I go to the gynecologist, she can’t even examine me.”

“Because you are so frightened that you have a spasm?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “”I have always been terrified of touching myself or someone touching me”. I’m terrified. I just see a man with a suit eating pizza and I think he’s cute and I feel terrified.”

“I think you have sexual feelings,” I said, “and then imagine he wants to have sex with you right there in the pizza store and then you are terrified.”

“Yes, I only feel the terror, but I must be having sexual feelings,” she said.

“I think you become overwhelmed by your sexual excitement and project it onto the other person and then feel terror. You know when you would lie in bed listening to your brother masturbating and coming, that was overstimulating. You knew it and went to your mother, but she denied the whole thing and told you to go back to your room. You couldn’t get any help protecting yourself from the overstimulation.”

“It was normal for him to masturbate. I know kids masturbate, but I shouldn’t have been in the same room. I should have had my own room, and when she just told me to go back to bed and ignore it, I must have felt flooded.”

“Exactly,” I agreed.

“You know, she said, “I had another dream last night. “I was watching somebody teach somebody how to dance. This young girl was very graceful, and she was moving very well. She knew how to dance. They were getting ready for a wedding.”

“How did you feel in the dream?”

“I felt good,” she chuckled. “I felt I could learn to dance. You know, they had dancing at my beach club on July 4th, and I didn’t dance. But next week, they’re having a DJ and they are doing line dancing, and I’m going to get up and learn how to do it. I’m going to join in.”

The following session, Tanya came in saying she had a dream about tongue kissing the night after the last session.

“I was eating dog food, and my mother was telling me I was eating dog food. I was licking the bowl like a dog and I got nauseated after she said that, and I threw up in the dream and, in my bed. I was gagging and choking.”

“What comes to mind about dog food?”

“Dogs go right for sexual gratification, they’re animals. They can’t delay gratification. Maybe I’m the one who’s bad because my mother tongue-kissed me in my dream. I was acting like a dog.”

“Maybe we're acting like a good dog—a loyal dog does whatever the master wants,” I said.

“Dog food looks like shit. I was eating shit. All my life I was eating shit. I was an obedient dog. Every day I was choking and gagging before I went to school. In the dream I said, ‘I must get it out of me.’ Something was stuck in my throat. It’s a feeling of fear. You know, my brother can’t swallow pills; he gags also.”

“Really!?”

“What could be stuck in my throat? Do you think this is at the bottom of why I can’t touch myself or have sex?” she asked.

“Yes, I think that your mother was crazy, and she masturbated in front of you and acted like nothing was happening and kissed you sexually and acted like it was normal. When you told her your brother was masturbating and you didn’t want to share a room with him, she said it was nothing and you should forget it. I think this is only the tip of the iceberg. I think there’s a lot you haven’t been able to tell me yet. Maybe you’re afraid I’ll think you’re bad.”

“Yes, I think so. You know, she would sit with her legs spread apart and pull her underpants to the side and play with herself. She did it while we were watching TV. My father was there sometimes, and he never said anything. My brother was there. If I asked her to stop, she would ignore me.”

Homosexual Feelings

Tanya was angry because I did not hear the doorbell—she had to ring twice, and the clock in my waiting room was four minutes fast. Anything that questioned reality (e.g., what time is the session) threw her into questioning everything. I also thought it might make her feel that I was out of control or her feelings toward me could get out of control. Maybe she felt I was like her mother if the time was wrong and I didn’t hear her. It threw her into a panic attack and made her question reality.

The next session, Tanya came in saying that she was upset and sad after our last session. It might have been from talking about how sexually stimulating her house was and that she might have felt aroused by it, or it might have been about my clock being wrong. She said the erroneous clock made her feel crazy. Then she moved on to talk about being angry at a teacher with whom she worked. She thought he was gay but that he could not deal with it because he was religious. Then she talked about being angry at her friend’s husband, who always talked about women he wanted to screw. Tanya thought it was a defense against his homosexual feelings.

“It’s interesting that in both cases you’re angry at people who are denying their homosexual feelings,” I said.

“Do you think I’m homosexual?”

“No,” I said, “but I think you might be afraid that you have sexual feelings about me.”

“That would be inappropriate, wouldn’t it?”

“No, I don’t think feelings are appropriate or inappropriate—they just are what they are. We don’t have control over our feelings, only our actions. Considering your mother’s sexually provocative behavior toward you, I don’t think it would be surprising if you had sexual feelings about me.”

“How would you feel if I had sexual feelings toward you?” she asked.

“I would feel happy for you that you were able to be in touch with your sexual feelings, whatever they are. You haven’t been able to experience them at all.”

“After the last session I had this tension in my inner thighs. Do you think that was a sexual feeling?” she asked.

“Yes, I think that was sexual tension.”

“How do you get rid of sexual tension?” she asked.

“Well,” I said, “you could masturbate or have sex with someone else. Sexual tension gets built up and then released when you have an orgasm.”

“I have to get a Pap smear on Wednesday. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it. I feel like canceling it.”

“Are you afraid of having sexual feelings during the exam?” I asked.

“Yes, what if I have sexual feelings during the exam? What should I do?”

“You don’t have to do anything. You can just have them, and eventually it will pass.”

“Oh,” she said, seeming relieved.

Fear of Driving Me Away

Tanya walked into my office and sat down clutching her purse on her lap.

“I couldn't find a parking spot. It's getting harder and harder to find a spot around here. It makes me so frustrated,” Tanya said.

“What about that?” I asked.

“It makes me feel so annoyed and angry.”

“Maybe you're annoyed and angry at me?”

“No, I just can't stand how hard it is with all the traffic and it's so hard to find a spot. It makes me not want to come.”

“Maybe you had some feelings about coming today?” I asked.

“I was thinking about stopping,” she cried. I have too many feelings about you. I'm sorry, my feelings are too strong…”

“What are you sorry about?” I asked.

““You don't want me, you wish I'd go away,” she said angrily”.

“What is it about you that makes me want you to go away?”

“I'm sorry, I have too many feelings about you.” She picked up her purse and hugged it.

“You mean I can't stand your feelings about me?”

“I'm sorry. I want too much; you won't want to give it and you'll want me to go away.” Tears flowed down her cheeks.

“Why would your feelings be so intolerable to me?”

“I want to talk to you all the time. I'm sorry.”

“If you want to talk to me all the time, do I have to do it?” I asked. “Why can't you want whatever you want?”

Tanya looked surprised. “Because I want you to do it!”

“If I felt I had to do whatever you want, I wouldn't be able to stand your feelings. But I don't feel I have to do things just because you want them, so I can allow you to want whatever you want.”

“I don't think my mother could stand my feelings,” she whimpered.

“No,” I agreed, “because she felt she had to do something about them and she couldn’t, so she wanted you to go away.”

Transference and Countertransference

Tanya’s transference changed during various times in the treatment. At the beginning, she experienced me as if I were her mother who wanted her to go away. But this was not a neurotic transference onto me; rather, she induced in me the feelings her mother had about her. She pleaded for me to lie to her but wanted to believe me. She wanted me to feel what her mother had felt but be a better mother than hers had been. It was a struggle for me; I felt harassed by her pleading and guilty for not feeling empathic. I found it difficult to bear her pain and her rage at the hand she had been dealt. Her demands for reassurance made me feel helpless, which is probably how her mother felt. I had to find a way to help her accept reality but also console her.

Later in the treatment, when she was finally able to deal with her sexual feelings, the transference shifted. She was not able to tell me what had occurred with her mother. Rather, she created an enactment of it so that I would understand what she had felt as a girl. I became confused about reality just as she had—e.g., is she wearing underpants?

Final Thoughts

Tanya would remain in treatment with me for over ten years. When she terminated, she was a much more integrated person. She felt like a sexual woman and got over her social phobia enough to develop close friendships with both men and women. Tanya was able to accept the gaslighting, denial, and lack of boundaries in her family. She became closer to her brother and convinced him to seek treatment.

Of course, there were many other issues in her treatment that I have not dealt with in this article—e.g., her envy of me for not having a misshapen arm and leg. I have only highlighted the issues of denial of her disability and the lack of boundaries and sexual overstimulation in her family.

I think it was important that I told Tanya her disability was visible for two reasons. First, she knew that it was. If I denied it, it would imply that it was so horrible that I couldn’t deal with it. I would be like her mother – distorting reality because I could not tolerate Tanya’s pain. Second, Tanya did not trust her parents because they consistently lied to her. She called me constantly to confirm our appointments. And when applying for a handicapped license and being told she would have to wait 60 days, she called them daily to confirm it. So I had to be truthful to build her trust, even though it enraged her.

Some therapists might have avoided confronting Tanya about exposing herself to me. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me, and it enraged her. However, I think it was a major turning point in the treatment. As a result, she was able to tell me about her mother’s exhibitionism; she became more able to identify and process her own sexual feelings, which reduced her projection of them onto men. She also made progress in being able to comfort herself.

Although Tanya was not able to have a sexual relationship with a man, she bought a dog and named him “Sigmund” as a testimony to how much psychoanalysis had helped her. She did the macarena with the husband of her friend and felt sexually aroused. She understood that her sense of sexual abnormality had more to do with her mother than polio.She also made progress in being able to find comfort. Although she was not able to have a sexual relationship with a man, she was finally willing and able to treat herself to massages regularly and was able to masturbate. Overall, Tanya had come a long way. Her social and sexual anxieties were greatly diminished and she had a much more fully developed sense of self. It was very hard work for Tanya, and in a different sense, for me as well. 

Strengthening the Online Counseling Relationship: Helpful Tele-Tips

The COVID-19 pandemic has had many impacts on our lives, including changes in how we connect with others. For myself and many of my fellow counselors, this has meant shifting to working remotely, whether through online video platforms or over-the-phone support. Since March 2020, my own counseling practice has almost completely shifted to online video conferencing. Connecting with people using video platforms had already been a small part of my counseling role, but it has now become the main way I provide support. This no longer feels like a stopgap to get through the pandemic; it will likely continue to shape and influence how I think about counseling. This hit home at the end of a session with Jay, when they said, “I’m so glad we’ll be able to continue our regular online sessions when I move out of the city—I can’t imagine having to start over again with someone new.” There is abundant evidence that one of the central ingredients to any successful counseling experience is the quality of the relationship and connection between counselor and client. This is one of the most robustly studied aspects of in-person counseling, and it also appears central to providing support remotely. At first, I worried that the shift to online counseling would cause my connection with clients to suffer. I was concerned that it would be too hard to do well, and that the usefulness of counseling for people would lessen as a result. Despite my concerns, I have been pleasantly surprised to find that many of my clients enjoy it, and some even prefer connecting online rather than having to meet at my office. Jay is a prime example. They described thinking about counseling several times over the last number of years, but always felt too anxious to risk talking to a stranger. In fact, Jay rescheduled our first session twice before we finally connected. In our first session, they were able to sit in their home with their beloved dog on their lap. Jay described this as a key step for allowing them to take the risk of opening up while struggling with the additional stressors of the pandemic. Many clients with whom I work do express missing the opportunity to meet in person. There has been a lot of grace and acknowledgement that we are all adapting and doing the best we can. However, this comes along with a lingering sense that this way of living is temporary. Although many of my clients say that online counseling is better than not meeting me at all, what if this continues to be how some would prefer to engage with counseling in the future? How can I (and we) ensure that we’re building the strongest counseling relationships possible while working remotely? 3 Areas to Strengthen the Online Counseling Relationship In my own clinical experience and based upon the research I’ve done, I have landed upon a few tips for providing online counseling. These have contributed to creating a foundation for supportive connection that I want to share with fellow clinicians. Set the tone and establish boundaries. The environment I create through my online “meeting space” has greatly supported a feeling of ease, consistency, and safety for both myself and my clients. Ways I have established this online environment include:

  • Considering the lighting and environment. I make sure my face shows up well, without too many shadows. I have pleasant colors and images in my background.
  • Being mindful of privacy, as it is of course paramount for ethical counseling work. Privacy can also ensure freedom from distraction so focus can be maintained on the interaction at hand.
  • Reducing distractions from other devices. I make sure notifications are turned off and displays are out of my sight line. This has helped me provide full attention to my clients, so they feel truly listened to. It has also improved my ability to guide difficult conversations.
  • Pacing the interaction well, to allow space between asking a next question or waiting for the client to respond. Some cues that tell me when a person is about to speak, or they need time to reflect, will be harder to read. Going a little slower than I would in person helps me and my clients to avoid speaking over each other or missing an opportunity for the client to respond.
Create conditions for trust. At the center of a positive and successful counseling connection is the trust between client and counselor. A key way I have created the conditions needed to build trust is through the quality of my presence and attention. Here are some aspects of communicating with my online clients that have enhanced and conveyed presence to clients:
  • I consider how the client will see me and have paid attention to how much of me is visible in the video’s frame. Seeing all of my face and some of my shoulders has allowed facial and body language to be conveyed through movements, gestures, and expressions. It also ensures that I am comfortable, so that I can be grounded and steady in my presence.
  • I pay attention to how close or far I am from the camera. If I am too far, I may seem detached and unreachable; too close, and I may seem more intense and in their face.
  • I practice giving eye contact. Although it is uncomfortable and sometimes threatening to have too much direct eye contact, without some sense of being able to really see and be seen, there can be less of a connection. I toggle between looking at the image of my client on the screen and directly into the camera, so they have the experience of direct visual acknowledgment.
  • I try using earbuds or headphones. This makes me less likely to strain to hear, and the sound often feels more immediate and intimate.
Practice collaborative communication. My counseling relationships that have the most benefit include a sense of collaboration between me and my client. This includes ensuring there is a consistent opportunity for the client I am supporting to use their voice and have choice in the course of setting goals. It has been important to feel like I am negotiating together what is focused on and to build on the client’s strengths. Some ways I have done this include:
  • Taking time to check with my client about all the areas mentioned above. For example, I discuss the lighting, my distance from the camera, how well we can hear each other, and the privacy of our environments. These extra steps have helped me to create a joint space for the counseling work.
  • Verbalizing or narrating more often what I am thinking about or how I am sensing how my client might be feeling as we interact. Following this up with curious and open questions to check my observations has not only helped me learn to read and listen to my client in this different medium, but has also assisted the client in becoming more aware of these things. It has made the unspoken more explicit.
  • Regularly asking my client what the experience of online counseling is like for them. What are they noticing? Also checking in to see how they feel before and after sessions helps us both track their experience. These transitions may be very different if they are connecting from their home, office, or car. Creating plans together for helpful ways to prepare for an online session, as well as how to shift gears afterward, can support the overall feeling of a well-contained and supportive counseling relationship.

***

The use of online or other remote methods for counseling has become more common and is likely here to stay. Applying practical knowledge from known methods of creating an environment, tone, and collaboration that promote a strong counseling relationship has greatly helped me adapt to and use this modality well. Regardless of how I interact with my clients, positive outcomes rest on the development and experience of a solid and positive connection. Jay and I now regularly include updates on their pup, and together we monitor the health of my office plants in my background. We joke about guessing each other’s height and that we don’t have to worry about wearing matching socks. These unique small steps of our shared virtual “room” and connection have become a protected space and the threads of our relationship. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet Jay in person—however, their impact on my own learning continues to leave a lasting impression. I am hoping that what I have learned about online counseling and the tips I have shared in this essay will be of use to my fellow colleagues.

Emergent Anxiety: Facing a Post-COVID Life

A New Normal

During the past year, therapists and patients alike have become habituated to the familiar routines of telehealth sessions, new grocery shopping habits, Zoom school for the kids, figuring out what to watch on Netflix, and (re)discovering pastimes and hobbies. At the time, we were faced with the Herculean task of tending to our patients while taking care of ourselves and our families as we adapted to a world filled with COVID-related anxiety.

Here we are at another crossroads. There’s not going to be a singular event that demarcates the age of COVID and the post-COVID era. It will be a gradual process, and it will generate excitement and relief. In fact, there will be a lot of jubilation as we move to this next phase. Hugging grandchildren, going to movies, seeing friends (in person!), and attending special events such as weddings and graduations will take on a special meaning, and many, if not most of us, will feel a deep sense of appreciation for what we used to take for granted.

But there will be a cross-current that we will be facing with our patients—an uncertain future, which includes how to live as they transition to the New Normal.

The term “emergent anxiety” describes the phenomenon of anxiety following the initiation of a psychotropic medication. I believe it should be repurposed to describe the upcoming post-COVID adjustment period. In fact, the irony of an increase in anxiety during the introduction of a medication whose purpose is to alleviate anxiety has an unmistakable parallel to the future uptick in anxiety around the vaccine, reduction in cases, and ultimately, a return to normal life.

It is important to consider that “COVID and the upcoming emergence of related anxieties is one of those rare occurrences where we are having a shared experience with our patients”. We have been providing treatment to those suffering from depression, anxiety, and unwanted behaviors such as overeating, drinking, and screen time while we have been attempting to manage our lives.

Emergent Worries and Concerns

As I listen to my patients’ concerns, these are some of the many questions that are emerging:

  • Once I'm vaccinated, how do I handle people in my life who refuse to do so?
  • How long will immunity last?
  • Will the vaccine cover the variants? When will boosters become available?
  • Will there even be a “Post-COVID” age? Will we always be social distancing and wearing masks?
  • When can I safely visit my children, grandchildren, and friends? At what point can I hug and hold them?
  • When can I start going to movies again? A museum? A restaurant? Should I only dine outside?
  • When can I schedule routine doctor visits and obtain tests (mammograms, colonoscopies, etc.)? When should I resume going to the dentist? My barber/hairdresser?
  • When can I begin to travel safely? Will airlines, hotels, trains, and cruise ships require people to be vaccinated? Will I need to obtain a digital vaccine passport?

From discussions with colleagues, additional questions are emerging about the future of therapy:

  • When will I go back to seeing people in person? Should I wait for herd immunity to go back to the office?
  • Will I continue to provide telehealth full-time, part-time, or not at all after herd immunity? What will my patients want to do?
  • If there’s a shared waiting room, how will we make it safer for everyone?
  • When I start treating patients face-to-face again, can I legally ask them if they have been vaccinated?
  • Can I treat vaccinated patients face-to-face and unvaccinated patients (including those who refuse to be vaccinated due to a disability) through telehealth – thus creating a two-tier system – without inadvertently running afoul of laws that prohibit discrimination against people with disabilities?
  • Will we wear masks during the therapy hour even though the threat of infection is lower?
  • How is the ventilation in my office? Will I be buying an air purifier? Will that help?

Understanding Emergent Anxiety

In general, a certain amount of anxiety is necessary to help us survive in our day-to-day lives. As a species, we wouldn’t be here if not for the capacity for the fight-flight-freeze response.

Yet anxiety can become too much of a good thing. Our minds have been adapting to the stresses related to COVID, and just because the threat decreases, it doesn’t mean that we will snap back to feeling normal.

In fact, the new adjustment may make some people more anxious. During the course of the pandemic, our reactions seemed completely rational. Like a lion in front of our foreparents’ caves long ago, COVID and its related anxieties—a racing heart, sweaty palms, discombobulation, and panicky feelings—made sense to us. Once the threat of the “lion” (COVID) has gone away, continued physiological and psychological responses will be inexplicable. That is, the residual symptoms will no longer make sense to us.

This post-trauma phenomenon reminds me of what happened when we emerged from the worst of the AIDS crisis. As new medications reduced the chances of horrible illness and death, it was assumed that people with AIDS would feel relieved and happy.

Many if not most of my patients with AIDS weren’t simply happy or relieved that new medications would save them. Actually, it threw many of them into a tizzy, especially those who had resigned themselves in one way or another to the probability that their lives would soon be ending.

The parallel I’m drawing here highlights the disconnect between the intellect and our emotional responses to being “saved” from COVID. Once the major threat of COVID has passed, we will not be one happy, relieved, functional family. It’s far more likely we’ll be witnessing a concomitant increase in anxiety and confusion, and our services will be required more than ever (as is already happening, as many of us have full practices).

Related Conditions

It’s important to be on the lookout not only for anxiety, but a kind of post-pandemic depression. Symptoms may include avoiding others, agoraphobia, other fears and phobias developing in otherwise healthy patients, and a rise in panic attacks and full-blown panic disorder. Social anxiety will also be on the rise. Some younger children and adults will have a new or reemerging separation anxiety as well as “stranger danger” as they continue to skirt around people when in public places.

Other maladaptive strategies that we’ll be treating more often will run the gamut from increased phone/internet/video game use, compulsive gambling, substance abuse and drug addictions, overeating, and other dependencies and compulsions.

Regarding relationships, many couples are holding it together for fear of moving out during the pandemic. Other couples are hanging on by a thread. Expect a post-COVID “divorce boom” and an epidemic of relationship break ups, as well as couples trying to save their relationships.

Post-COVID reactions are also going to include a unique brand of PTS(D),including unpleasant reactions to being in social situations and public places, an increased vigilance about health, COVID-related nightmares, constant vigilance for symptoms of COVID, an over-reaction to catching a cold or another minor bug, and not wanting to return to the workplace.

Many children have been regressing—wetting the bed after months or years of not doing so, refusing to play with friends, and wanting to crawl into bed at night with a parent due to insecurity and fear. But children aren’t the only ones who are regressing. Adults regress as well, and many of us are reverting to old coping strategies, becoming more quick-tempered, and fighting and bickering with our partners more often.

Treating Emergent Anxiety

My personal philosophy about mental illness is that heredity, biology, and brain chemistry cause many types of mental illness (schizophrenia, autism, ADHD, etc.), but more often we develop “mental illnesses” not because the brain gets sick, but because it adapts. The main illnesses I’m referring to are depression, anxiety, addictions, and PTSD. The following are some of the techniques I have found useful with my clients around emergent anxiety.

  • Normalize their experience. Developing post-COVID anxiety will be a normal response to a highly abnormal situation. So the first intervention is to normalize your patients’ responses and reassure them that their coping strategies—which picked them (we do not choose our coping strategies)—are the natural backwash to a major tsunami.
  • Self-disclose more often. In the past year, I have been more disclosive than pre-pandemic. I have told several patients that I have to watch my diet more closely, for example, and I share some of my concerns and fears about the future (not to heighten their anxiety, but to remind them they are not alone).
  • Be a witness. Every trauma victim needs a witness. Part of our role is to be a container and a holder of memory. I listen carefully when a patient describes the pain associated with COVID, and I make sure that every important milestone (including deaths of loved ones, when they got their vaccines, how this has impacted their jobs) will be remembered and commented on in the future.
  • Look for delayed grief. Be on the lookout for delayed grief reactions, not just to lost loved ones but to a lost year (and counting), whether it has been a career/job, socializing with friends and family, a lost school year—basically all routine life. As we have been focused on our day-to-day survival, many have not had the “luxury” to grieve. Much of our work will be on helping patients to heal from their buried grief.
  • Interrupt the “anxiety process.” I have a particular way of treating anxiety, and emergent anxiety can be treated this way as well. I see anxiety as a process as well as a state. We develop one or more feelings that are highly uncomfortable. Over time they get bunched up (very technical, but it’s how I describe the process to my patients) and it can become overwhelming.
  • Help with Meaning-Making. During this time, a lot of existential questions have surfaced. Just because COVID becomes a manageable disease, it doesn’t mean that we should squander the opportunity to help make meaning out of this “lost year.”

Over several sessions, we break down anxiety into its component emotional parts, and we usually find that the emotions that turn into anxiety are particularly difficult for the patient to tolerate (which varies by individual). Next we find ways to better cope through emotional regulation. Once we identify their emotions, I help the patient to understand and modulate their response.

The “No Wonder” goal is a way for patients to eventually be able to say, “It’s no wonder I experience a lot of uncertainty about the future and feel so helpless to do anything about it.” The No Wonder goal—which can be achieved over several sessions for patients to make sense of their anxiety—can help to reduce patients’ anxiety about being anxious.

I also explain to my patients that when they have anxiety, their bodies are engaging in natural processes to keep them alive—such as increasing their heart rate, moving blood away from the abdomen, and heightening the senses in order to flee if necessary, among others. With enough effort and trial-and-error, they can tell themselves that their bodies are becoming more alive and alert (rather than shutting down) while a bout of anxiety or a panic attack is occurring.

***


My hope is that this article can assist my fellow clinicians by providing some new tools to help your patients and motivate you to think about and discuss what will surely be in our future. We will be an even more integral part of our patients’ lives as we help to prepare them for emerging into a post-COVID world.
 

The Upward Arrow and the Golden Rule

My client Leslie sits across from me, her shoulders slumped. She has come to me for help with her marriage. Despite having a core of love for each other, for many years Leslie and her wife have been sharing mutual recriminations and dismissals of each other’s feelings. Their marriage has moved through time like a net, trapping resentments. We’ve been focusing on a moment when she complained to her wife about a critical comment her wife made about her in front of their kids.

I ask her the “Miracle Cure” question to clarify her goal in today’s work. “Let’s imagine that a miracle happens, and you got exactly what you wanted out of this session. What would that look like, what would be different?”

“She would see that I’m right, and she’d apologize,” she responds quickly.

Like so many people who say they want to improve their relationships, Leslie is stuck in blame. She is having a hard time conceiving anything that could help the relationship beyond having her wife do the changing.

As Dr. David Burns (1) has pointed out, a stance of blame is incompatible with healthy intimacy. When we blame, we fall into distorted thinking patterns and place all the badness and problems on the shoulder of the other person. In doing so, we cast ourselves in the role of victim, powerless to effect any changes that would move us to our goals. But the problem goes further than that. Relationships are reciprocal—when we approach someone with blame, they will naturally respond in kind. The Golden Rule is fundamentally a self-compassionate one: treat others as you would like them to treat you…because, well, what comes around goes around.

But how to help Leslie feel that with her heart, and not just in her head? In previous sessions, I had validated the hurt behind her wish and then redirected her, reminding her that her wife wasn’t asking me for help and that any changes need to come from Leslie herself. But today, I encourage her. I call this line of questioning the Upward Arrow, akin to the technique called the Downward Arrow. In the Downward Arrow technique, we ask a person why a negative thought is upsetting, which leads them to make contact with the negative beliefs that underlie the thought. In the Upward Arrow technique, by contrast, I ask my patient to elaborate on her wish for her wife to acknowledge her as right and apologize. The goal is to help her make contact with the healthy longings that underlie the problematic wish.

At first, she is confused by my line of questioning. She closes her eyes and shakes her head. She has a hard time imagining her wife apologizing. I encourage her to keep going, even if she draws a blank at first. She makes another try, but her anger and bitterness reemerge.

“She never listens, she’s always poo-pooing my feelings.”

I redirect her gently back to the task at hand. “Yes, you’ve felt so dismissed by her. See if you can put those thoughts aside for a moment. Instead of thinking about how badly she has been treating you, let yourself think about what you’d most want to hear from her. You said you’d want her to see that you are right and to apologize. That makes so much sense to me—can you elaborate on that? What would that mean to you, why is that important?”

“Well, it would mean she understood me. We wouldn’t have to keep arguing all the time. I wouldn’t have to keep defending myself.”

“Yes, that would be so much better, wouldn’t it? And can you keep going? Why would you want that, to not have to argue and defend yourself?”

A look of sadness crosses her face, and her eyes moisten.

“I could let my guard down, and relax, and just tell her how I was feeling. I could just be myself with her.”

“That would feel so good, wouldn’t it? To just be able to be yourself, without worry.”

“Yes,” she softens, “that would be such a relief.”

“And what would it be like to be with her, if she apologized to you, and you were feeling able to just be yourself?”

“We’d be on the same team. We’d be able to work together instead of fighting with each other. We’d be better parents.”

 “Close your eyes for a moment and really imagine that. What would that feel like, in your body, to be with her like that? What sensations do you have?”

“I feel calmer. My chest feels more open. I feel like I can breathe.”

Can you see what is happening here? She is starting to self-regulate, using her own imagination. She doesn’t need her wife to say exactly the right thing—with a little guidance she can bring herself to this state of mind. She has woken up to her own self-compassion using an idealized image of a partner.

I bring her out of the visualization and check-in. She’s still enjoying a feeling of ease.

“And you know what is cool?” I ask her. She tilts her head, inviting my answer. “You came to this state without her having to be different. You didn’t need her to say the right thing to be able to feel this sense of ease. This is something you created in yourself.”

“Yeah,” she nods. “Just imagining being treated this way allowed me to relax and be less defensive.” She widens her eyes as she realizes something. “And what is also interesting is that I feel more warmly toward her.”

“When we started this conversation, you said what you most wanted was for her to see that you are right and apologize.”

She gives a short laugh. “Yeah, that would be nice, I guess. But what I want more is for the two of us to be on the same page.”

She pauses, then continues. “What if I accept that she’s feeling hurt and defensive too? If I treat her the way I want her to treat me, maybe she’d relax and be more open to working this out.”

“I think you have just articulated a famous rule,” I notice.

“A golden one!” she says with a smile.

References

(1) Burns, D. (2020). Feeling great: The revolutionary new treatment for depression and anxiety.
PESI Publishing and Media.
 

Existential-Humanistic Therapy in the Age of COVID-19 in Vulnerable Populations

Challenges

COVID-19 has been a sudden, unexpected, and existentially shattering experience for many individuals, resulting in their questioning their sense of safety and security in the world. Whether facing actual illness or loss, fear of getting sick or infecting others, forced isolation, lack of personal space, or economic hardship, people have now been facing unprecedented stressors for close to a year. With a second wave upon us and new variants emerging, there may be a sense that anyone is vulnerable. While vaccine distribution offers promise for individual immunity, there is protracted uncertainty about the duration of the crisis and its psychological, economic, political, and societal consequences.

These COVID-19 phenomena may exacerbate challenges for individuals with a history of chronic medical conditions and trauma, including feelings of vulnerability, stigma, and lack of control. Having previously confronted and accepted existential truths such as life’s uncertainty, the random nature of events, and the inevitability of death, these individuals may, at the same time, be better equipped to cope with aspects of the pandemic (Gordon, 2020). Existential-Humanistic (E-H) therapy can provide effective therapeutic interventions to aid vulnerable populations in optimizing adjustment, coping, and quality of life during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Existential-Humanistic Therapy

Developed in the 1960s, E-H therapy consolidates central ideas from European existential philosophy—the power of self-reflection, taking responsibility for decisions, and confronting freedom and death—with the American tradition of spontaneity, pragmatism, and optimism (Schneider & Krug, 2017). E-H therapists emphasize several core aims that enable patients and therapists to become more present in the moment: increasing awareness of self-protective patterns that block and restrict presence and personal agency; taking personal responsibility for the construction of one’s life and self-narratives; and choosing or actualizing ways of being in the world that are consistent with values. E-H therapy strives to be a catalyst for individuals to develop their level of curiosity, generate experience that is felt to be enriching, and expand their capacity for personal agency, commitment, and action.

The model emphasizes the “whole-bodied” (e.g., cognitive-affective-kinesthetic) ability to choose, within limits, who one will become, and that fundamental change takes place through experiential learning. Bugental (1987) depicted resistance as analogous to wearing a spacesuit which helps sustain life but also narrows one’s experience of the world. E-H therapists believe that when life-constricting protections are reduced, more meaning, purpose, and joy can emerge. E-H therapists focus on the here-and-now experience of the past as manifested in the present moment, including the patient’s body posture, level and quality of presence, tone or voice, and self-protective patterns.

Viktor Frankl (1992), an Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, observed that we do not get to choose our difficulties and challenges, but do have the ability to select our attitudes and responses, decide what we make of them, and maintain a sense of dignity. Rollo May (1985) believed that it takes courage to move forward in life despite adversity.

An E-H theme developed by Irvin Yalom (1980) is the idea that individuals have a basic need to construct meaning through tolerating uncertainty, a passionate engagement in life, and living in the moment. He describes existential anxiety as the result of the confrontation with the givens of existence, including death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. Existential anxiety occurs because of the conflict between these challenges and a desire for its opposite. These universal conflicts include the awareness of death and the desire for immortality, a sense of groundlessness and the wish for structure to provide safety and security, feeling of isolation and the need for connection, and the awareness of meaninglessness of life and the need to construct meaning. As a result of facing death, individuals experience the urgency of time and setting priorities. For Yalom, psychotherapy during times of crisis can heighten existential awareness and help clients put current and ongoing life crises into perspective.

Yalom incorporates the concept of “rippling” into his many writings on existential therapy. This is the notion that we pass parts of our self onto others, even to others we never met, much like the ripples caused by a pebble in a pond—whether a personality trait, an act of kindness, a quote or saying, the impact of our work—which tempers the pain of transiency. Along related lines, Hoffman (2021), guided by the work of Rollo May, discussed the existential guilt that accompanies failure to live up to one’s potential or taking responsibility, while in contrast finding that meaning can transform pain. And finding this meaning, according to Remen (2000), does not require us to live differently, but instead to see our lives differently.

It is in this context of seeing life differently that I ask you, as we might ask our clients, to imagine the consequences of living in a house with only one window. For all intents and purposes, the view from that window will define your reality. Only by experiencing the view from a new window, built perhaps on the other side of the house, will you gradually internalize a degree of perspective and relativity, a sense that vision and meaning involve choice and agency. And with that, I now offer the case of Michael.

The Case of Michael

Michael is a 35-year-old aspiring artist who was referred to me for psychotherapy to develop effective coping skills in his adjustment to his recent diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). MS is an autoimmune disease that attacks the central nervous system, which can cause a variety of symptoms, including numbness, fatigue, vision loss, and walking difficulty. He was living with his grandmother and mother and had a strained relationship with his father, whom he had never lived with. He entered therapy three months before COVID-19 rattled the city and shut down services.

At the beginning of treatment, “Michael reported multiple symptoms, frequent incidents of falling and losing his balance, a long-standing history of anxiety and panic attacks, and inhibitions in his ability to commit himself to intimate relationships and professional goals”. Since his adolescence, his anxiety had often resulted in shortness of breath that triggered fears of a heart attack and impending death. He was particularly worried that his physical symptoms would continue to get worse and that he would be totally dependent on others for his physical care.

During his initial sessions, he expressed a great deal of frustration that it took a number of years to get a definitive diagnosis of MS. He felt his family and friends thought he was exaggerating his symptoms to avoid pursuing his educational and vocational goals, which resulted in lack of confidence and trust in expressing his own feelings, needs, and opinions. Even when he was given a definitive diagnosis six months before entering treatment, he experienced others as not fully understanding the impact of his “hidden disability.” He was angry that he developed his medical condition at such an early age, started to doubt his belief that “bad things do not happen to good people,” and felt that he was being punished for his lack of motivation and accomplishments.

Capitalizing on meaning-centered and post-traumatic growth perspectives, therapy began by exploring his strengths—deep-seated values and qualities that did not change due to his medical condition—in order to help him feel more empowered. He identified his compassion for others, creativity, and a sense of humor that could help him cope with his multiple challenges. The only moments when he felt passion in life were when painting or taking pictures of landscapes and city architecture.

In these initial sessions, “Michael was able to express a deep sense of loss and sadness over his physical functioning, as he felt his athleticism had formed a core component of his identity during his adolescence and young adulthood”. He grieved the loss of not being able to play sports with his children, if he became a father in the future. These feelings of sadness triggered memories of his paternal grandfather, who had died of cancer during his adolescence. He was one of the few figures in his life who had confidence in Michael’s talent as an athlete and that he would succeed in the future. Michael identified his grandfather’s resiliency and perseverance in the face of his terminal illness as two of his special qualities. The sessions involved asking Michael open-ended questions, including “What advice would your grandfather give you right now in how to handle your MS?” and “How are you similar to your grandfather?” Michael became more aware of feelings of gratitude toward his grandfather and that he too was a survivor and a determined individual.

When the news of the spread of COVID-19 in March 2020 caused a city-wide lock down, Michael agreed to continue sessions via telehealth. At that time, now on top of his anxiety, panic, and fears of dependency resulting from his medical condition, “he identified the virus as compounding his fears of dying or becoming totally dependent on others”. Shortly after, Michael recalled a series of unsettling dreams. He reported that since his diagnosis of MS approximately nine months before, he had a recurring dream where “Martians shot people and then placed them in upright coffins. They had blank faces and appeared as if in an altered state and could only move their hands in front of them.” Michael’s associations to the dreams were fears of not being able to move, ending up in a wheelchair, and being totally dependent on others. He was asked to retell the dream in the present tense and how he would want the dream to end in order to develop a sense of agency. He said he wanted to be able to fight the Martians like his grandfather had fought his cancer and scare them away.

Two weeks later, Michael reported another frightening dream where he was “trapped in a glass cube in [his] home that was invaded by bad guys who were pumping gas into the cube, and [he] had no way out.” He said he felt terrified of dying and feeling helpless. He was asked to visualize and re-experience how he felt in the dream. He recalled that he felt trapped, his lungs were burning, and he was going to suffocate to death. Michael then spontaneously recalled a memory of escaping from the scene of the World Trade Center Attack. He was at breakfast in a diner across the street and saw the plane hit the building. Michael was numb and could not process what had happened. He was paralyzed by fear, but eventually ran down the street when told to leave by a security guard. He did not remember what happened next, but eventually arrived home covered in ashes and debris, and had difficulty breathing and sleeping for several days. He had not thought about this traumatic event in years.

During this phase of treatment, Michael became more aware of how this traumatic confrontation with the possibility of dying, which occurred shortly after his grandfather’s death, contributed to his panic attacks and fears of dying during his adolescence, which in turn impacted his ability to pursue his educational, vocational, and interpersonal goals. Michael became more aware that his strong needs for safety, security, and protection inhibited his pursuit of taking risks in many aspects of his life. Michael further realized that his avoidance of taking chances and exposing himself to failure and rejection was, as Bugental reminded us, analogous to wearing a spacesuit which is life-affirming but also narrows and inhibits one’s experience of the world.

A major focus of the middle phase of therapy involved his fears of dying and what was meaningful in his life. “Michael acknowledged that part of his death anxiety was that he had wasted many years avoiding pursuing his goals of being an artist and having close relationships”. When asked to project himself a year from now and what new regrets he might accumulate, Michael tearfully stated, “Not completing my college degree and becoming an art teacher, and not living up to Grandfather’s belief in my potential.”

This was a pivotal point in Michael’s treatment, which brought him to enroll in a local college, where he took and succeeded in a number of online courses. He continued to realize on a more experiential level that he had been fearful of taking risks and failing since his adolescence, but that he was paying a significant price for pursuing his strong need for security. When asked “What have you discovered about yourself through the challenge of the pandemic?” Michael reflected that, while the pandemic had added new layers of anxiety, it also had provided him with the space to step back and evaluate what really mattered to him. Rather than continuing his past patterns of avoidance, self-doubt, and comparing himself unfavorably to others, he was determined to focus on his creativity and having an impact on others through teaching. He also realized that his previous contemplation of death anxiety and perseverance in coping with his MS served as protective factors in dealing with COVID-19.

Within a few months, Michael transitioned from feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable in the storm of his MS symptoms and COVID-19 threat to feeling more focused, determined, and resilient. Although he had to maintain cautiousness due to his medical condition and COVID-19, he was able to take the initial steps in pursuing a meaningful career that was consistent with his values and identification with his grandfather. Through the therapeutic process, he came to recognize his own power to choose how he wanted to view and respond to life’s major challenges, including his MS.

Concluding Thoughts

This essay describes my flexible application of E-H approach to psychotherapy when working with a patient with a chronic medical condition and a history of trauma during COVID-19. The case vignette highlights different aspects of the E-H approaches, including cultivating presence in the moment, choosing one’s attitude toward challenge and adversity, increasing awareness of what is most meaningful in life, living in manner consistent with one’s values, and expressing gratitude toward others.

For patients who have chronic and life-threatening medical conditions and a history of trauma, COVID-19 may increase their level of anxiety, fear, vulnerability, and social isolation. On the other hand, “these individuals may have developed a degree of psychological protection and resiliency in having already experienced a prolonged sense of insecurity and uncertainty” involving fears of body integrity and mortality.

In my therapeutic work, E-H therapy provides a safe place for patients to reflect on how COVID-19, while frightening and potentially traumatic, is changing them in unanticipated positive ways, including living life with greater meaning, purpose, and sense of urgency. It is my hope that in reading this, that you may experience this new context as an opportunity to explore existential issues such as uncertainty, vulnerability, meaning in life, and death anxiety with patients in deeper ways than before.

References

Bugental, J. F. T. (1987). The art of the psychotherapist. Norton. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0085349

Frankl, V. (1992). Man’s search for meaning (4th Ed.). Beacon Press.

Gordon, R. M., Dahan, J. F., Wolfson, J. B., Fults, E., Lee, Y. S. C., Smith-Wexler, L., Liberta, T. A., & McGiffin, J. N. (2020). Existential-humanistic and relational psychotherapy during COVID-19 with patients with preexisting conditions. Journal of Humanistic Psychology. Published online: November 2020, https://doi.org/10.1177/0022167820973890

Hoffman. L. (2021). Existential-Humanistic therapy and disaster response: Lessons from the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 61, 33-54. http://doi.org/10.1177/0022167820931987

May, R. (1985). The courage to create. Bantam Books.

Remen, R. N. (2000). My grandfather’s blessings: Stories of strength, refuge, and belonging. Riverhead Books.

Schneider, K. J. & Krug, O. T. (2017). Existential-humanistic therapy (2nd Edition). American Psychological Association. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0000042-000

Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential psychotherapy. Basic Books. 

Caring for those Who Care for Our Pets

Stresses on the Veterinarian

We can’t turn on the television or look at social media without seeing evidence of how the pet industry has grown exponentially over the years. We don’t just have pets anymore; we now are the proud parents (and grandparents) of “fur babies.” Rarely, however, do we think about the difficult side of having a fur baby. Yet veterinarians are on the front lines of managing the effects of this fur baby boom; and, as pets age or become ill, veterinarians have the difficult task of working with pet parents and providing the necessary care for their pets. This task, difficult on its own, is compounded when pet owners cannot afford or are astounded by and react intensely about their pets’ cost of care. Still other pet parents are unable or unwilling to accept their pet’s illness and insist on providing treatment, even when the treatment will not extend the animal’s life. Even with these tensions, veterinarians often develop an emotional connection with pet owners and their pets. The emotional connection adds a dimension of stress and emotional pain when pets become ill or must be euthanized. Being a veterinarian is far more than working with animals.

Then there are the kinds of stories that appall the public. In early 2020 in South Florida, it was reported that a local humane society euthanized 198 animals over a two-month period without first requesting any support from rescue groups. The story is certainly shocking, and the tragedy to the animals pulls hard on our heartstrings; yet we don’t consider the impact of situations like this on shelter veterinarians. For this group, the need to euthanize can be emotionally overwhelming, given the number of euthanasia procedures they must perform due to overpopulation.

A review of the literature suggests that there is some training to help veterinarians provide grief support services and resources to clients. Still, there is little available to veterinarians for their own work-related grief work. An example of the need for awareness in this area was noted when one of the authors’ dogs, Riley, had to be euthanized when medications to control his health issues were no longer effective. Riley had been a client at his vet’s practice for seven years, and the hospital staff was also affected by the need to euthanize him. While there is the need to maintain a professional stance in these cases, it is important to note that veterinarians and their staff may have strong feelings for their clients.

Over the last couple of years, we have come to see that, like others in the helping professions, veterinarians face a wide variety of stressors that contribute to issues related to their mental health. Because impairments manifest in varying degrees, it can be challenging to recognize one’s own or a colleague’s impairment, even in the best of times and with experience. This is of particular concern when we consider that this group of professionals is at higher than average risk for suicide.

According to reports from the CDC and other international studies of veterinary professionals, mental health issues amongst veterinarians can be attributed to multiple factors. Compassion fatigue, demands for euthanasia, challenges with workplace relationships, and the demands of supporting and educating pet parents on issues related to their pets all impact veterinary professionals’ mental health. The responsibilities of managing a veterinary practice and exceedingly high levels of veterinary school debt from tuition costs averaging $160,000-$329,000 add additional burdens to veterinarians’ already stressed and challenging careers. Given our current COVID-19 crisis, many veterinarians have been furloughed or laid off or are witnessing their colleagues being laid off, creating a new level of stress. In addition, veterinary office changes were required to help manage physical distancing during COVID-19, causing stress for both veterinarians and pet owners.

While client relationships are primary in veterinary medicine, veterinary practices are also production-based, meaning that the veterinarian must manage what is in the best interest of the pet/client and the need to produce to retain their position. This creates an ethical challenge. In addition, the level of rigor and oversight around medical documentation can vary, with some practices being flexible and accommodating about how documentation is kept and who can sign off on medical records. Some practices allow technicians to sign records for renewing prescriptions or completing medical notes; this can open opportunities for veterinary staff to illicitly take or prescribe medications.

When combining the immense stressors that contribute to depression and other mental health-related issues, a production-based work environment, lax or variable management of documentation, and workplace access to a wide variety of drugs, many of which are highly addictive, there is increased potential for veterinary professionals to become susceptible to drug misuse and addiction to cope with work stress. Dr. Jon Geller noted this danger in his 2016 article in DMV 360 and added that there are insufficient resources to address this concern, including insufficient drug testing in veterinary workplaces, few or inadequate drug control procedures, and limited access to or availability to employee assistance programs.

Veterinarians have access, often with limited oversight, to potentially addictive medications to help with depression, anxiety, and sleep management. While increased levels of scrutiny and oversight have limited opportunities for medical professionals working with human patients to access in-house drugs, this level of oversight has not been implemented in veterinary practices in the United States.

The importance of greater training around and support for prescription abuse for veterinarians is underscored in stories such as John Burke’s Pharmacy Times article (2019), which highlighted the implications of limited oversight in veterinary clinics. As Burke relays, as rates of addiction rise with the growing opioid crisis, there is an increasing need for veterinarians to receive training and support around prescription abuse. His article includes an account of a veterinarian who prescribed unnecessary opioid medications for pets she had placed under overnight observation; pet owners would fill the scripts and return the medications to the clinic for their pets, not knowing that the veterinarian was taking them for herself. This practice continued until a pharmacist learned that the drugs were being returned to the vet clinic for administration and reported it to the authorities.

Addressing the Need

Given these challenges, the increased attention to veterinary professionals’ mental health needs is both timely and necessary. Yet, according to the American Veterinary Medical Association, only 36 states and the District of Columbia have laws and regulations authorizing wellbeing programs for veterinary professionals. Once it is determined that a veterinarian is indeed heading in the direction of impairment, because of the taboo associated with “having” a mental health or substance use disorder, it is often difficult for colleagues to encourage the impaired professional to seek counseling. Seeking the right treatment is important to maintain professional competence. By developing interventions for veterinary professionals along the three levels of prevention (primary, secondary, and tertiary), mental health professionals can intentionally make connections with and offer support to veterinarians. These prevention services can include education, training, and support around mental health and substance use disorders that are focused specifically on the issues faced by veterinarians.

Primary Prevention Interventions

Veterinary training programs may serve as ideal grounds for implementation of primary prevention strategies, which aim to address prevention of mental health and substance use issues before they arise. In many ways, to address the needs of veterinarians, it just makes sense to meet their needs when these professionals are at their most energetic and idealistic—while they are students, before the stressors of the work really start to impact professionals’ mental health. Clinical training faculty; however, may not sufficiently focus on students’ mental health or stress the importance of self-care during training. And conversely, students in these high pressure training programs may be reluctant to admit to that they are struggling emotionally. In a school-based primary prevention intervention, mental health professionals might coordinate with veterinary programs to offer workshops or guest lectures during various points in students’ training to reduce the risk of mental health disorders and/or substance use disorders. Integration of mental health information should not be a one-time occurrence. Instead, this type of programming should be implemented from the initiation of coursework as a prevention strategy for students while they deal with the stress and pressure of training.

A primary prevention strategy also offers an opportunity to plant seeds for when the student is a professional working in the field. In this case, mental health professionals could provide services that educate educators and students in veterinary studies about mental health and substance use disorders as well as the factors that often affect these impairments. Such training should also help educators and students identify the potential signs and symptoms of the impairments. Moving beyond just providing factual information, mental health professionals could work collaboratively with veterinary education programs to develop prevention programs that address and mitigate risks for mental health and substance use disorders amongst students. These programs could include interventions to help students develop self-care strategies, connect students to resources in the community, and support the development of healthy relationships within students’ support networks.

Secondary Prevention Interventions

Secondary prevention strategies involve early detection of issues, usually through screening measures. One example of a secondary prevention intervention would be mental health providers’ working with veterinary professionals to help them recognize when they or their colleagues are impaired. In another intervention, mental health practitioners might help veterinary practices to set up regular mental health screenings of workers (i.e., for burnout, anxiety, or suicidal ideation) to help identify issues in their initial stages. Early detection and treatment are key. In this prevention level, mental health practitioners might provide support to veterinary professionals who were caught using or accessing drugs. Working with individuals at this stage is meant to “catch” the potential problem and prevent it from getting worse.

Mental health professionals can also provide mental health consultation services to help veterinarians develop and establish thorough clinic practice standards. These standards should include steps to obtain due process for individuals who may be impaired. In the case of a veterinarian experiencing opioid dependence, secondary prevention might include providing consultation to the veterinarian and staff to set up a modified work schedule so the veterinarian can return to their job without risk of accessing drugs. In addition to supporting veterinary professionals experiencing mental health or substance use issues, we need to keep in mind the colleagues who may be caught off guard when a veterinary professional seeks or is encouraged to seek help for drug use. Therefore, the services provided to veterinary staff may include counseling to those working with an impaired professional, including grief counseling.

Tertiary Prevention Interventions

Tertiary interventions are necessary when veterinary professionals relapse or have a drug addiction and need rehabilitation and ongoing support. This stage of prevention is meant to keep the situation from getting worse. Again, this stage requires the mental health professional to pull on actions from the previous two stages, ensuring the veterinary professional is safe, connecting them to resources in their community, and assisting them to develop a healthy support network. To further support the tertiary prevention efforts for this group of professionals, mental health practitioners can host support groups for participants to explore their mental health concerns and share strategies for living well. If veterinarian professionals are terminated from their positions, mental health practitioners can advocate for veterinary programs to retrain workers for new jobs when they have recovered as much as possible.

For mental health professionals to provide services to this specialized group, we need to understand that veterinarians and veterinary professionals face unique pressures. Not only are their workloads excessive and their hours long, but they also must face anxious and emotional clients and animals, often having to make life-or-death decisions about unwanted or sick animals. These stressors, along with other practice-related factors, contribute to the veterinary profession’s challenges of burnout and compassion fatigue, which are associated with mental health and substance use disorders, as well as suicide-related behavior.

Case Discussion

Melinda reluctantly came to counseling at her primary care doctor’s urging. Her mother had convinced her she needed help dealing with being overwhelmed, stressed, isolated, and anxious. She told Melinda to speak to the doctor about getting her anti-anxiety medication adjusted, given her stress and lack of sleep. Melinda has been on a low dose of an SSRI since graduating with her bachelor’s degree. She visited her doctor, explained what was going on, and he increased her medication. The doctor also asked her if she wanted something to help her sleep. Melinda became quiet and reluctantly admitted that she had borrowed some medication from the veterinary hospital where she worked to help with sleeping. It was at this time that her doctor told her she needed to seek help.

Melinda learned that the company she worked for offered financial support for those seeking counseling, but she was afraid of what people would say if they knew she needed help. Throughout her years in veterinary practice, she knew that people generally thought veterinarians played with puppies and kittens all day and did not think anyone outside of the profession would understand. She tried to forego counseling and try to resolve the issues herself but realized she wasn't managing well. In the past, Melinda would go to the gym five days a week to help manage her anxiety and stress. She noted that going to the gym always worked for her, but now she didn’t have time to do that. She also indicated that she was having trouble sleeping. All Melinda wanted to do when she got home from work was sleep. Sometimes she was too tired to cook and would pick up fast food on the drive home. Everyone at work thought Melinda was okay but tired due to long hours.

As a young adult, after working diligently to obtain her undergraduate degree and working at a local animal shelter, Melinda had finally been accepted to a veterinary school after three years of submitting applications. Her new friendships at school and enthusiasm for her career helped her manage the program's mental demands. She was concerned about additional student loans but did not consider the future impact of high-interest rates accruing during and after school. The program's high demands and extensive studying prevented any students from getting jobs during school to offset some of these costs. Melinda did her best to live within her means and focused on completing her degree.

Once she graduated, Melinda was selected for a 1-year rotating specialty internship and was excited for the opportunity to improve her clinical skills. Although internships have a low salary despite their highly demanding schedules and on-call hours, Melinda felt the experience would be important when looking for a full-time position. She deferred student loan payments and, upon completing her internship, obtained a small animal general practice position with a five days per week schedule. Melinda was excited about being out of school and moving forward in her career.

When student loan payments came due, Melinda began making payments. She was disheartened to see the amount of interest her loans had accrued but felt empowered to have her dream career and start planning her future. Due to the high cost of living where she lived and her debt-consciousness, she shared a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate.

“Melinda noted that she worked 55-60 hours per week on paper, but she stayed late at work after every shift catching up on phone calls and writing medical records”. Since generating revenue was a high priority in this practice, she picked up additional shifts and was now averaging 60–70-hour work weeks. She felt relieved as she saw the larger paychecks and ignored her exhaustion, telling herself it would pay off in the long run. Feeling pressure from both clients and hospital management, Melinda frequently agreed to squeeze in additional cases during the day, and it was not uncommon to skip lunch. She indicated that she was losing weight but didn't have time to eat. She was increasingly tired but saw opportunities to pick up additional shifts as a good opportunity to help pay off the student loans. She often didn't have enough energy to get to the gym at night, a key stress reliever during college and veterinary school, so she would periodically “find a medication” from the clinic to help her energy level.

Melinda was having trouble sleeping and would wake up thinking about cases. She would replay patient exams and lab results in her mind, worrying if she had missed something. Melinda noticed some cases where she had forgotten to finish typing a medical record, and clients were calling asking for lab results more frequently because she didn't have time to call them with results. When arriving at work, Melinda would often have numerous lab reports to review, refill requests to fulfill, and client calls to return about sick pets. She struggled to find time to get everything done. It was relatively easy to take medications from the clinic without being noticed, and she had been doing so for the last six months before seeking counseling. She began periodically taking a stimulant medication from the clinic to help her boost her energy and then a sedative to help her sleep at night.

Melinda reminisced about the first few years of her career, when she had mentorship, and wished she could go back to those days. She felt increasingly alone both at work and in her social life. When she wasn't in surgery, a large part of her day was spent seeing sick pets, trying to work within owners’ budgets for diagnostics and appropriate treatments without sacrificing quality of care, end of life consultations, and client education for wellness and preventative care. Relationships at work were good, but all the team members were under stress. Some long-term patients had recently been euthanized, which was adding to everyone's emotional strain.

Melinda said she had begun reducing shifts and trying to minimize the extra caseload but started to feel guilty when saying no to additional “fit ins” throughout the day. A client recently posted a review on Yelp berating her for being unable to fit a pet in on the same afternoon the owner called. Another screamed at her on the phone for wanting to charge for the laboratory testing to help figure out the cause of a pet's weight loss and accused her of not caring about animals. She was also worried about a tough case requiring many follow-up visits. The owner had started to have financial concerns, and Melinda was worried that without the continued follow-up to regulate the pet's disease, the pet might start to decline.

Continued negativity from clients, the pressure to meet revenue goals set by the practice, self-care reduction, lack of personal space at home, worry about cases, and financial concerns drove Melinda to wonder if she made the right career choice. Given the high debt and interest rate on her student loan payments, she felt trapped in her current position, since a change for a lesser salary would make it impossible to make loan payments. After five years, she still had never taken time to travel, which had been something she had been hoping to do once she had a stable job. She realized she was not meeting her goals of meeting someone and starting a family. Melinda spoke to her manager and tried to reduce her hours down to four days a week; she then worried about the pay cut's impact on her finances. Melinda used some vacation days but felt she was not able to get her mind off work. She began to realize there wasn't much that she enjoyed in life anymore.

Primary Prevention: If we had been able to work with Melinda while she was still in her training program or as a new professional, primary prevention approaches would have focused on preventing or reducing the chances of acquiring a substance use disorder and/or mental health disorder. Prevention strategies at this level would likely include psychoeducation and skills development focused on awareness of the effects and potential consequences of SUDs and the importance of attending to wellness and mental health (e.g., stress management skills, self-esteem building, problem-solving, recognizing and building protective factors, recognizing risk factors). Given the stigma of seeking therapy Melinda seems to hold, we would work to destigmatize seeking mental health therapy, framing it as a source of support and one way to promote self-care, much like her time at the gym. We would make sure to provide connections to community and profession-specific resources that support veterinarians, such as state wellbeing programs for veterinary professionals. Considering the immense stress associated with student loans, having resource information about debt management training on hand would be another important prevention strategy to assist Melinda.

Secondary Prevention: Melinda is experiencing stress from work, the burden of a sizable student loan, and guilt (and possibly shame) for taking medication not prescribed to her from her place of work. From the perspective of secondary prevention, the focus is on harm reduction. Providing referrals to the resources identified in primary prevention would be appropriate in the secondary prevention process. Melinda will likely appreciate the information to help with her loans, but the referral alone is not enough to help her address her maladaptive behaviors. First, it is essential to assess for baseline severity of symptoms and coexisting mental health disorders. Given her reluctance to therapy, working with Melinda using motivational interviewing therapy might help her work through her ambivalence. Motivational therapies, such as motivational interviewing, encourage a client’s readiness for change and may help Melinda realize and voice her personal goals. To reduce harmful behaviors, for clients whose substance use is mild, CBT and social skills and other skills training (e.g., communication skills, stress management, problem-solving, and identification of the effects of the medication she’s taking without medical oversight) are reported effective. With addiction, a combination of motivational incentives/contingency management rewards and CBT appears to be an effective treatment intervention. Group counseling is especially effective in creating a support network. In addition to group counseling, there are profession-specific support networks available. One such group is Not One More Vet, which came about to prevent suicides among veterinarians. The last element of secondary prevention is to build in a relapse prevention plan into the client’s treatment plan.

Tertiary Prevention: Tertiary prevention would focus on relapse prevention and/or advanced substance abuse, the long-term effects of the abuse, and the impact of complications associated with SUDs. Relapse is common (and often part of the journey) in recovery. So, planning for relapse is an important part of any prevention plan. As a result, there are a number ways mental health practitioners can assist clients incorporate tertiary prevention approaches in their treatment. For Melinda, the following are just a few options. Focusing on relapse prevention, Melinda is encouraged to continue meeting with her therapist. However, the focus in therapy would be less on skill development and more on supporting her practice and implementation of her newly acquired (or reinforced) skills (e.g., stress management skills, self-esteem building, problem-solving, recognizing and building protective factors, recognizing risk factors) in her work setting and personal relationships. These skills are critical in her being able to deal with shifts and changes that happen in life, positive and negative. A related strategy would be to work with Melinda to identify and recognize the shifts and changes in her personal life or career that might negatively impact her sobriety and mental health and potentially open the door for relapse. Melinda’s continued involvement in her support group is also encouraged, so she can keep on learning healthy strategies from her peers.

In the case that Melinda’s substance use progresses and she opts to seek inpatient treatment, it is important for the practitioner to know of or to consult with colleagues about reputable rehabilitation programs. Helping the client research and select a rehabilitation program that best suits her needs fits in with tertiary prevention planning. Finally, should Melinda experience long-term medical or other disability effects of her substance use, she may need the support of a vocational rehabilitation counselor for assistance with employment support.

***

This brief article and case study propose making connections with and offering support to veterinarians and veterinary professionals from a prevention model perspective, engaging with them in training programs during their medical training and in the community. We propose not waiting for veterinarians to enter our practice for intervention, but rather reaching out proactively and identifying opportunities for providing psychoeducation, consultation, and advocacy.

Resources for Veterinarians and Mental Health Clinicians

State Wellbeing Programs for Veterinary Professionals
Debt Management Training
Not One More Vet

References

American Veterinary Medical Association. (n.d.) State wellbeing programs for veterinary professionals. https://www.avma.org/resources-tools/wellbeing

Geller, J. (2016, June 15). Dark shadows: Drug abuse and addiction in the veterinary workplace. DVM 360 Magazine. https://www.dvm360.com/view/dark-shadows-drug-abuse-and-addiction-veterinary-workplace 

Treating the Compulsive Personality: Transforming Poison into Medicine

One summer during my analytic training, I committed myself to study, outline, and completely internalize Nancy McWilliams’s Psychoanalytic Diagnosis (1994). The idea that you could be more effective with clients by understanding their specific patterns ran contrary to the anti-diagnosis attitude at my training institute. But it appealed to my eagerness to be helpful.

Not long after I began, I recognized myself in the chapter on the obsessive-compulsive personality. While I didn’t meet the DSM-5 criteria for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), I certainly had my compulsive traits: perfectionism, over-working, and planning, just to name the obvious. McWilliams’ description elucidated who I could have become, had I not had a supportive family and lots of analysis to rein in those tendencies.

But this wasn’t just personal or theoretical. I recognized the collection of traits found in the personality style in my many driven, Type A, and perfectionistic clients working in law, finance, and publishing in work-crazed midtown Manhattan. And I saw the suffering it caused.

The Unrecognized Stepchild of Personality Disorders

Captivated by the subject, I eventually got involved in some online OCPD support groups. There, I read many stories of people who thought they had OCD for years before finally realizing that their entire personality was characterized by compulsive tendencies. They had known that their struggles weren’t just with specific obsessions and compulsions, but that was the only diagnosis they were aware of that was even close to describing them. And in many cases, OCD was the diagnosis a clinician had given them.

This pattern of misdiagnosis became even clearer once I began receiving comments and emails from people reading my new blog, The Healthy Compulsive Project, and my book, The Healthy Compulsive.

While OCPD is one of the most frequently occurring personality disorders of the ten listed in the DSM, it is under-recognized and probably underdiagnosed (Koutoufa & Furnman, 2014). Far too often, it’s confused with OCD by both the public and clinicians. One study indicates that the lack of recognition of the condition leads to a lack of empathy for it (McIntosh & Paulson, 2019). And far more people suffer from obsessive-compulsive personality traits than those who meet the full criteria.

It doesn’t help that it’s ego syntonic not just for the sufferer, but to some extent for our culture as well. Capitalism doesn’t care if you work too hard. According to psychologist and researcher Anthony Pinto (2016), there is no empirically validated gold standard treatment for OCPD. I suspect that this is a function both of our tolerance of it and of the difficulty in treating it.

What’s the Meaning of This?

As I filtered all of this through my training as a Jungian analyst, my curiosity about the underlying meaning of the disorder was piqued. Jung emphasized the importance of asking what symptoms and neuroses were for. What potentially adaptive purpose did symptoms serve in the patient’s life, or for humankind at large? Could there be meaning under something so destructive? Was there some underlying attempt to move toward individuation gone awry?

Looking up the etymology underlying the word “compulsion,” I realized that it wasn’t originally a bad thing. A compulsion is an urge that’s almost uncontrollable. A drive or force. And that’s not all bad. Many of these urges lead to creative and productive behavior. But “before I could find any possible light in the condition, I had to acknowledge how dark it could be”.

The Cost of OCPD

The more I observed the world of the obsessive-compulsive personality, the more I came to see its destructive potential. A review of OCPD by Deidrich & Voderholzer (2015) tells us that people who have OCPD often have other diagnoses as well, including anxiety, depression, substance-abuse, eating disorders, and hypochondriasis. OCPD amplifies these other conditions and makes them harder to treat. People with OCPD have higher than average rates of depression and suicide and score lower on a test called the Reasons for Living Inventory (Deidrich & Voderholzer, 2015).

Medical expenses for people with OCPD are substantially higher than those with other conditions such as depression and anxiety. And the study indicating this only included people who had sought treatment—which excludes the many with more serious cases who don’t (Deidrich & Voderholzer, 2015).

The cost for couples and families is great. People who are at the unhealthy end of the compulsive spectrum can be impossible to live with. They can become mean, bossy and critical, and their need to control often contributes to divorce. Much of the correspondence I receive is from partners of people with OCPD who are at the end of their rope, looking desperately for hope that their partner can change.

Parents with OCPD often place unreasonable demands on their children. This can interfere with developing secure attachment and may also increase the chances of a child’s developing an eating disorder.

It also causes problems in the workplace. While some compulsives are very productive, others become so perfectionistic that they can’t get anything done. Still others prevent their coworkers from getting anything done because their criticism disrupts productivity.

Similar problems happen in other organizations such as volunteer groups and religious institutions. People with compulsive tendencies often become involved in community groups, and they’re so convinced that they’re completely right, and that they should control everything, that they contribute to the deterioration of the organization, partially because others don’t want to work with them (Deidrich & Voderholzer, 2015).

Just as disturbing is knowing of the many personal, community, and cultural benefits that the condition prevents when it hijacks energy that would otherwise have led to leadership, creativity, and productivity. Compulsives can be movers and shakers, but instead they often end up being blockers and disruptors. The people who shape the world are the ones with the most determination, not the ones with the best ideas. And compulsives have lots of determination.

The Adaptive Perspective on OCPD

As I looked more deeply into the condition, I could see that the original intention beneath compulsive control is positive: compulsives are compelled to grow, lead, create, produce, protect, and repair. It seemed to me that the obsessive or compulsive personality is not fundamentally neurotic, but a set of potentially adaptive, healthy, constructive, and fulfilling characteristics that have gone into overdrive.

I’m certainly not the only one to make this observation. A dimensional perspective of personality disorders is gaining momentum (Haslam, 2003). But this viewpoint is still sorely needed for sufferers, partners, and clinicians.

Realizing that evolutionary psychology might provide an understanding of the adaptive potential of obsessive-compulsive tendencies, I contacted psychologist Steven Hertler, who has been on the front lines of thought in this area. His ideas resonated with what I had suspected about the survival benefits of obsessive-compulsive tendencies: the behavior that those genes led to made it more likely that the offspring of those with the genes would survive (Hertler, 2015). For instance, being meticulous and cautious is part of what Hertler (2015) refers to as a “slow-life strategy,” which increases the likelihood that those genes will be handed down.

Most importantly, though, a perspective which highlights the possible benefits of a compulsive personality style has significant clinical benefits. Conveying the possible advantages of this character style to clients lowers defensiveness and encourages change.

There is a wide spectrum of people with compulsive personality, with unhealthy and maladaptive on one end, and healthy and adaptive on the other end. Clients on the unhealthy end of the spectrum can be very defensive about their condition. They tend to think in black-and-white terms, good and bad, and their sense of security is dependent on believing that they are all the way on the good side. This makes it hard for them to acknowledge their condition, enter therapy, and get engaged in treatment. When they do come in, it’s usually because their partner is pressuring them, or because they have become burned-out or depressed.

If we are to help people suffering from obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, we need to find a way to get under their defenses so that they can make use of therapy. When we understand and convey that OCPD is a maladaptive version of something much more positive, we begin to forge a good working relationship.

But as therapists, we should also acknowledge that some individuals are so far to the unhealthy end of the continuum that even if they were to enter therapy, we might not be able to help them. It was important for me, at least, to be realistic, so that I didn’t set myself up to feel that I had failed if I wasn’t able to help someone.

Characteristics of the Obsessive-Compulsive Personality

The DSM-5 says that OCPD is defined by a “preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental & interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, & efficiency” (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). It goes on to list eight criteria; since these criteria are readily available, I won’t list them here. But I do want to emphasize what the DSM-5 (2013) points out in the first criteria: people with OCPD are preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost. I have found this to be a defining characteristic of people on the unhealthy end of the compulsive spectrum—they’ve lost the point of their rules and efforts to control. They’ve lost their original intention, the thing they first felt compelled to do.

I remember being struck the first time I noticed this. A female client was talking about how she had berated some people for not following the rules. It struck me that she was so adamant about the rules that she had forgotten who the rules were meant to help and protect—the very people she was berating.

One goal of treatment should be to help clients recover, or uncover for the first time, the original impulse, the deeper motivation that has compelled them. I may be biased because I practice psychodynamic treatment, but it seems to me that because OCPD affects the entire personality, psychodynamic treatment will be the most effective. I say this because cognitive and behavioral treatments are most effective for very specific issues, less so for the sort of global issues that characterize OCPD.

But those of us who work psychoanalytically may need to budge a little on maintenance of the frame, disclosure, the use of goals, and our reluctance to diagnose. Just as the saying “the only way to peace is peace” goes, “the only way to flexibility is flexibility.” We need to be mindful of our own personal need to control, and a certain rigor that our training may have encouraged: we might think or feel that we are doing the “right” thing by following the rules. But in particular aspects of the work with compulsives, we may gain more through example than through analysis.

Eight Key Points

I’ve found that there are particular themes and tasks that I usually need to work through with compulsive clients over time. I don’t believe that these are unique to OCPD, but rather that they usually require more emphasis than might with other conditions. I outline these below with the suggestion that they be used in a flexible and organic way, rather than as hard and fast steps.

In each of these steps I try to enlist clients’ adaptive compulsive characteristics to foster change.

  1. Create a narrative respecting inborn characteristics. To help compulsives diminish insecurity and develop self-acceptance, “I’ve found that it is important to create a narrative which distinguishes authentic, organic aspects of their personality” from those which were the result of their environment. Compulsives are born with traits such as perfectionism, determination, and attention to detail. They usually like constructive projects, and this can be a joint project that nurtures the working therapeutic relationship.
  2. Identify the coping strategy they adopted. If there was a poor fit between the client and his or her parents, the child may have used their inborn tendencies, such as perfectionism, drive, or self-restraint, to find favor and to feel more secure. Most unhealthy compulsives become so when their energy and talent are hijacked and enlisted to prevent feelings of shame and insecurity, and to prove that they are worthy of respect, inclusion, and connection.
  3. Identify when their coping strategy is still used to cope with anxiety. Recognize if and how they still use that coping strategy as an adult. Most coping strategies used to ward off anxiety will diminish if the anxiety is faced head on rather than avoided with compulsions.
  4. Address underlying insecurity. Question their self-criticism and replace it with appreciation for their inherent individual strengths, rather than pathologizing or understanding them as reactive or defensive. Reframe their personality as potentially constructive. I’ve seen this perspective help many people as they participate in OCPD support groups.
  5. Help clients shift to a more “bottom-up” psychology. Nurture their capacity to identify emotions and learn from them rather than use compulsive behavior to avoid them. Help them to identify and live out the original sources of their compulsion, such as service, creation, and repair, actions that would give their lives more meaning. Help them to make choices based on how things feel rather than how they look.
  6. Identify what’s most important. Most compulsives have either lost track of what’s most important to them, or never knew. Projects and righteousness that they imagine will impress others fill the vacuum. Instead, once they can feel what they were naturally compelled to do, they can use their determination to fulfill it in a more satisfying way.
  7. Identify personality parts. Compulsives try to live in a way that is entirely based on direction from the superego, and they attempt to exclude other aspects of their personality. I have found it very helpful to have them to label the dominant voices in their head (Perfectionist, Problem Solver, Slavedriver), and to identify other personality parts that have been silenced or who operate in a stealth way. Depending on what the client is most comfortable with, we can use terms from Transactional Analysis (Parent, Adult, Child), Internal Family Systems (Exiles, Managers, Firefighters), or a Jungian/archetypal perspective (Judge, Persona, Orphan).
  8. Use the body, the present moment, and the therapeutic relationship. Compulsives rarely experience the present and usually drive their bodies as vehicles rather than nurture them. Bringing their attention to their moment-to-moment experience and using their experience of you as their therapist can help. For instance, bring their attention to tension in their body and, if possible, connect that with any feelings that they have about you. For instance, do they feel a need to comply with you, or any resentment about complying with you?

The Case of Bart

Background

A man in his early forties, whom I will call Bart, came to see me when his wife said she could no longer tolerate his worrying and unhappiness. To his own surprise, he found himself tearing up as he described his life to me. He didn’t do that kind of thing. Ever.

Bart was handsome, fit and bright. Yet he was very self-deprecating.

He told me that he worked in finance and had done well enough to provide comfortably for his family. But his success didn’t register with him at all. He worried about what others thought of him. He feared that people would discover that he was a hoax at his job; he believed his success was accidental and that he could lose it all at any time. At this point in his career, he was just coasting and didn’t find any meaning or challenge in it.

Bart imagined that his family tolerated him only because he provided for them. During our initial consultation, he said he wasn’t feeling bad. But it was clear that he had experienced serious depression in the past, and I suspected that he was still depressed but couldn’t acknowledge it.

His wife was lively, talkative, and highly social, but their relationship was flat at best. He made it a point to say that he did not want to blame her for any of his problems or theirs as a couple. Nor did he want to assign any blame to his parents. Any problems he had were of his own making.

He admitted that he found it difficult to engage feelings. He avoided reflection, journaling, and talking. Like most compulsives, he controlled not just the outer world, but also his inner world. It was hard for him to tolerate uncertainty.

He played organized sports about four days a week, and he had great difficulty tolerating any mistakes on the field or court. He constantly monitored success and failure with a scoreboard in his head. He had quit playing golf because he got too upset when he didn’t play well.

At the end of our initial consultation, I told him that it seemed to me that while he had adapted very well to the external world, he had not adapted well to his inner world. Achieving that would be one of the goals of our work together. I was confident that if he could put the same energy and attention that he had put into career success into his psychological well being, he would see change.

He told me that his impressions of therapy were based on media examples and that he didn’t have any idea how this worked. I told him that I was glad he was asking because we as therapists don’t always do a good job of explaining how the therapeutic process works. I agreed to be transparent about the course of our work, to share how I believed we needed to proceed, and to explain the rationale behind my suggestions. In particular, I would try to be clear about his role in the work.

Narrative

His mother was depressed and a classic martyr. Masochistic, even. She seemed to enjoy her suffering. His father worked as a salesman and was willful, driven, and judgmental. He insisted on success: winning was his religion. For Bart this meant that if his behavior didn’t lead to points on the scoreboard in terms of some productivity or success, it was meaningless. His father said, “it’s good to win.” Bart extended this to “it’s terrible to lose.”

Bart internalized the strategies of both parents, and it caused a terrible conflict: he had imperatives both to lose and suffer (his mother’s masochism), and to win and achieve (his father’s need to triumph). He chose to be more like his father from his teens until he was 25; then he switched and became more like his mother. But he couldn’t let go of the feeling that he should still be winning all the time, in addition to learning, producing, and working all the time. He had lots of “shoulds.”

He had concluded that people want compliance rather than authenticity. He was raised Roman Catholic, and he’d make up things he had done wrong to have something to admit when he went to confession. He told me that he no longer believed in God, so he had to punish himself now. He felt guilty about any sort of self-assertion. He loved post-apocalyptic films because “in that setting, you don’t have to worry about being good anymore.”

Yet Bart didn’t feel that his parents or his environment had any bearing on his current struggles. So I said that the most important thing for us now was to understand how he had adapted to the situation he was raised in.

Coping Strategy

One aspect of Bart’s strategy was trying to control people by giving them what they wanted. Meeting his father’s expectations was only the beginning. Among the four types of compulsives, he was clearly a follower/people-pleaser. He tried to achieve self-acceptance through others’ opinions of him, but it didn’t work, even when he did get accolades.

Another aspect of his strategy was to not depend on others. To do so would rob him of control. It would take time for him to realize that he actually did have social needs, but that, so far, those needs had only gone into impressing others, rather than relating to them. As with many compulsives, Bart felt it was safer to seek respect than to want love.

In his martyr mindset, being a victim implied that he was good. So he often became very negative about his life to prove to himself that he was a victim. He wouldn’t complain verbally to others, but he did need to show himself, at least, how bad his life was. Later he came to realize that his depressed moods were also unconscious attempts to communicate the misery that he could not reveal directly.

He was aware that he had adopted a strategy of planning and perfecting to try to pre-empt the utter self-contempt he unleashed on himself when things didn’t go well. “But why the self-contempt?” I asked. “If I’m self-critical, it will show other people that I won’t tolerate mistakes. But it’s become habitual. I do it even when other people aren’t looking.”

Engaging Feelings

Much of our work involved learning to identify feelings and excavating different levels of feeling so that he could operate from a more “bottom-up” approach. We spoke of therapy as a gymnasium for exercising his capacity to tune into feelings. As with many compulsives, framing our work in terms of a project was helpful in engaging him. I tried to bring attention to what he was feeling in his body and to the present moment.

Most of his feelings were about “shoulds.” Desires were few and far between. Tuning in to desires was a heavy lift for him, but with time he began to be more aware of the difference between acting on fears versus acting on desires.

At times Bart felt like giving up, whatever that might mean. I recommended that he take that seriously but not literally: What is it that you really need to give up? What is the control that you would be happier without?

As he let go of self-control, anger began to surface and eclipsed his sadness and anxiety. Part of him believed that he always did the right thing, and he got angry at those who didn’t. While he was typically self-effacing, it was new for him to acknowledge that in some ways he felt superior.

But we also needed to continue to excavate even more deeply beneath his anger and judgement to see if there were yet other levels of fear or sadness. While it was scary and sad to acknowledge how much was out of his control, it was a relief not to be avoiding it.

When he first came into treatment he had imagined that therapy would remove all his uncomfortable feelings. But with time he came to realize that it was okay to have feelings—sad, anxious or angry—and that he could learn not to amplify those feelings or carry them needlessly. With time, he didn’t need to avoid them so thoroughly.

Identifying What’s Important

Even as he learned to turn his focus inward, he found it hard to articulate his goals in life, career, and therapy. He had lost track of himself and what he really wanted long ago.

Because he had little access to feeling, he was unable to find direction. He obsessed about his job and whether to change companies or even careers. He liked the idea of a new career, especially one with a new identity, but he couldn’t follow through on that. He feared losing the fantasy of what it would be like if he did change.

As he navigated his professional and personal world, I often had to ask him what was most important to him. At first this was distressing, since he had no idea who he was or what he wanted. He was always climbing mountains, but he wasn’t sure whether taking on challenges was something he felt he was supposed to do or something he wanted to do. This skill of distinguishing how something looks from how it feels has been essential to the improvement of most of the people I work with. He couldn’t tell the difference, and we kept revisiting the distinction.

In his efforts to succeed, he’d lost track of why he wanted to succeed. Any sense of fulfillment in accomplishments was replaced by the need to achieve to prove to others and himself that he wasn’t a fraud. Over time he came to recognize that taking on challenges was fulfilling, that he genuinely enjoyed it, and that it was vital to his feeling better. But to enjoy it, he had to let go of using the challenges to prove his worth.

He had similar realizations when telling me about learning: this wasn’t just something he should do to silence his father’s demanding voice, it was something that was very satisfying. He didn’t have to do it, he wanted to do it. And that made it more pleasurable.

We explored his feelings about his marriage. He did value his marriage but was reluctant to depend on his wife: “I’d like to think that I don’t need my wife, but I do. And because I don’t want her to be too important, I don’t take in her support.” This would have made him too vulnerable and would have gone against the masochism he adopted from his mother.

It was a small revelation to him when he was recounting his weekend and noticed that spending time with his son had actually been pleasurable. It wasn’t just a “should.” Noticing this feeling of pleasure was a small window into what was most important for him. “I’ve been putting points in the wrong basket all along, thinking that making money was most important…I have to challenge the idea that piling one more dollar on the stack will make me feel better.”

He came to value more peaceful emotional states—being more present and accepting, and less regretful and judgmental.

Transference & Countertransference

Coming to therapy was not comfortable for Bart, partially because he felt he wasn’t “good” at it. “I remembered that he had quit playing golf because he wasn’t good at it and wondered to myself if the same could happen with therapy”. Still, his ability to speak to me directly about his discomfort was a success. Doing so served as a sort of psychoanalytic exposure therapy, staring down his deep fear of being real and of being known, with the added advantages of eventually understanding the causes and functions of those fears.

He once asked whether therapy was like confession. I explored what it was like in that regard for him and reminded him that when he was young he would make up sins to take to confession. Would he need to do that here? He didn’t think so.

He admitted that he wanted to learn the language of psychotherapy to please me. “Sometimes I tell you what I think you want to hear. I never lie to you, but I do try to figure out what you want.” He felt pressure in the silence to figure out what he was supposed to say. We explored this as a good example of his strategy.

“I’m afraid you think I’m a dick,” he said. “I’ve got so much, what’s my problem? Why am I complaining? You must think I’m just indulging here.” Was this feeling unique to our situation, or was this actually typical of how he felt with most people? He acknowledged that he never felt that it was okay to feel even tolerably accepting of himself, much less feel really good. That would be indulgent and arrogant. And it would invite humiliation.

He had imagined that I would give him a thumbs up at some point, certify him as mentally healthy, and send him on his way. We used this as an opportunity to distinguish what was more important: what I thought about him or how he felt about himself.

Allowing me to know him, and questioning how he imagined I saw him, was a step in the direction of being more open with people in general. Looking for parallels with what he imagined I thought of him, we explored the difference between what he imagined his wife thought of him, and what she really thought of him. As he felt less criticized, anxious, and depressed, she scrutinized him less, and he began to feel more comfortable with her.

“I also experienced my own discomfort with him”. I feared that he would run out of things to say and that I would be exposed as not having anything to offer him. I was not able to work this through completely, but in retrospect I suspect that my fears of being found inadequate were both induced and my own.

He missed a fair number of sessions. Even accounting for the fact that business meetings came up last minute, it still seemed that he avoided his issues at times by not coming. I thought it might be fitting for this to be an imperfect therapeutic process, and that my accepting that was going to be instrumental in his progress.

Despite how imperfect it was, he did make progress. Candor, which had been ego dystonic, was becoming ego syntonic. His coping strategy was changing, and we both came to enjoy his increasing freedom to be himself in the sessions.

Treatment Process: The Agents of Change

My goal in treatment with most compulsives is to enlist their natural impulse to become a “better” person and put it in service of their psychological growth. With Bart I never used the word compulsive, much less mention the diagnosis “OCPD.” But I did note his strong, natural drive to succeed and to be a good person.

Bart did seem to get this eventually: “It's kind of like I'm waking up and realizing that the game I was playing, putting points on the scoreboard, was meaningless, but this process of understanding myself and feeling better is more important. It feels good when I get it, when I master it.”

These realizations included questioning the narrative that he had to be like either of his parents. Near the end of his treatment he told me, “I want to take the best of my mother and father, and not be so black-and-white about it.”

Another aspect of his narrative that we needed to question was whether his family needed him only for money. Maybe they wanted him to be happy as well. Accepting this as a possibility required some vulnerability on his part. He couldn’t remain aloof if they actually cared about him. I believe that his work on opening to feelings in our sessions was instrumental in allowing him to feel closer to his family.

On occasion he wanted assignments for the week. I chose exercises to help him become more aware, in the moment, of how his old coping strategy affected him. For instance: “Try to notice when you stop yourself from feeling good. Count the times you do it. Just noticing it is great.” And, “Notice how many times perfectionism leads you to attack yourself.” Compulsives love to count. What he counted was changing.

We explored different parts of his personality. “What if I’m an asshole that just likes money? What if I just like being seen as generous but I’m really not?”

“Yes, part of you likes money, and part of you likes being seen as generous. Those are both okay. And there is more to you. There is also a part that genuinely likes to be generous whether anyone sees it or not.”

He wondered if it was okay to be ambitious. Somehow it didn’t feel right. The more we processed this, the clearer it became that it wasn’t so much money that was important to him, but achievement and mastery. There was a part of him that loved challenges. To say what he loved was a new expression and marked acceptance of a part of him that he had only vaguely recognized before.

Accepting his introversion was another challenge. He definitely liked his time alone but felt guilty about it, which of course meant that spending time with his wife and others felt like it was in the “should do” column, not the desire column. In the long run, he came to appreciate both being alone (without guilt) and spending time with his family, because it was no longer a “should.” As different parts of him came out of hiding, it became clearer what was important to him.

All these elements served to reduce the insecurity he felt, so that he didn’t need to prove himself…as much.

Termination

After 19 months Bart felt well enough to end treatment. We spent a few weeks processing the termination, especially what it was like for him to end it rather than me. I would have liked to see him longer, but that may have come out of my own perfectionist ideas about how long treatment should go on and what it should accomplish.

I would like to have seen him develop more comfort with the therapeutic process itself, but that too comes from someone whose intense interest in psychology developed when he was a teenager. Maybe not everyone needs to be comfortable with therapy, much less actually enjoy it. It was a very good sign that he decided to end treatment rather than feel he needed to stay to please me. I hope my acceptance was healing.

“I will never know how much, if any, of his progress was a well-performed recovery”. But I suspect that even if his first efforts to be authentic were to please me, they eventually became truly authentic. I suspect that he had experiences and insights that will help him change and be more fulfilled, even well after our work is finished.

Working with compulsives has forced me to examine my own biases, my own need to control, and my own rigidity. If nothing else, I learned that I can’t expect my patients to become any more flexible than I am myself. This includes challenging my own fixed ideas of how treatment should go with each new client.

Conclusion: Poison as Medicine

Jung said that individuation is a compulsive process, that we are compelled to become our true, authentic selves. When that process is blocked, neurotic compulsion ensues.

When we recognize the constructive potential of the obsessive-compulsive personality, we can help make it less “disordered.” When we recognize the energy that’s gotten off track, we can help direct that energy back toward its original, healthier path. The adamancy about doing the “right thing” that turned against the client and the people around them can be enlisted to help them find their way to a more satisfying way of living.

The alchemists were known for trying to transform lead into gold, which was really only a metaphor for transforming the poisonous, dark struggles of our lives into the incorruptible gold of character. But I think that this metaphor works best when we understand that the gold was there all along, obscured and waiting to be released.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Diedrich, A., & Voderholzer, U. (2015). Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: a current review. Current Psychiatry Reports, 17(2), 2.

Haslam, N. (2003). The dimensional view of personality disorders: a review of the taxometric
evidence. Clin Psychol Rev, 23(1), 75-93.

Hertler, S. C. (2015). The evolutionary logic of the obsessive trait complex: Obsessive
compulsive personality disorder as a complementary behavioral syndrome. Psychological
Thought, 8
(1), 17-34.

Koutoufa, I., & Furnham, A. (2014). Mental health literacy and obsessive–compulsive personality disorder. Psychiatry Research, 215(1), 223-228.

McIntosh, P., Paulsen, L. Mental health literacy of OCD and OCPD in a rural area. The Journal of Counseling Research and Practice, 4(1), 52-67. Available at https://egrove.olemiss.edu/jcrp/vol4/iss1/4.

McWilliams, N. (2014). Psychoanalytic Diagnosis. The Guildford Press.
Pinto, A. (2016). Treatment of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. In E. A. Storch & A. B. Lewn (Eds.), Clinical handbook of obsessive-compulsive and related disorders (pp. 415-429). Springer International Publishing AG. 

The Four Brahmaviharas and the Quiet Inner Voice

My patient, whom I’ll call Andrea, is a lovely woman in her 60s. She wakes at 4 am each night, stomach clenched with worry about her adult son, who just left his job without a clear plan for his next move and appears quite depressed. My patient leans her head against her hand, and through the video screen, I can see the worry lines tight across her face. She is terrified that he has made a terrible mistake in leaving his job, and she is fighting the urge to micromanage his every decision. “Feeling his pain is so much worse than feeling my own. I just want to make it stop,” she tells me. She and her husband have been at odds about the situation—he tells her she worries too much, and she thinks he isn’t worried enough. “I am all alone in this.”

We explore her good reasons for feeling anxious through a “Positive Reframe” exercise, which comes from TEAM therapy, developed by David Burns. In this exercise, we explore how painful negative symptoms can be useful and can reflect our most deeply held values. “It shows I’m paying attention, it keeps me vigilant about the situation,” she reflects. Indeed, she has been very proactive about helping her son find a good therapist and has been brainstorming with him about leads for a new job. She identifies the values that underlie her worry—“Seeing his pain hurts so much because I care so much about him. But I know my reaction pressures him, and that’s not helpful. I just want him to be happy!”

Most recently, Andrea and I discussed the Buddhist concept of the Four Bramaviharas or the “divine abodes.” They are 1) Metta—loving-kindness or goodwill, 2) Karuna—compassion, the awareness of the suffering of others and the desire for it to stop, 3) Mudita—sympathetic joy in the happiness of others, and 4) Upekkha—equanimity.

When she examines her underlying motivations, it is clear that Andrea is manifesting Metta for her son. She wants him to be happy. She is also demonstrating Karuna, compassionate awareness of his suffering and desire for it to stop. And by coming to see me, she demonstrates both Metta and Karuna for herself: she recognizes a need to bring things into balance and bring down the level of her suffering, which she can see does not help either of them.

She finds this part of our conversation helpful: “It’s a good reminder that I don't need to believe all the things my mind tells me, like that I’m not a good mom. I’m feeling pain because I care about him, not because I’m doing something wrong.”

“And what about the thought, ‘I’m all alone?’” I ask her. “Could there be a kinder way to speak to yourself?”
“What do you mean?”

“Well, what if instead of saying ‘I’m all alone,’ you said, ‘I’m with myself’?” Changing the words we use is an example of one of Burns’ cognitive methods, the “Semantic Technique.”

She looks up thoughtfully as she tries that on. “My first response is that I don’t really want to be with myself. No wonder I feel lonely! It’s interesting to imagine being ‘with’ myself.”

“Are you willing to try that right now?”

She nods.

“Go ahead and turn your attention inward. When you think about your son’s suffering, what comes up for you?”

Her face tightens into a grimace. “I feel a strong tightness in my chest—right here,” she gasps. I feel a swell of admiration for her as she stays with the difficult sensations.

“That’s great, keep going. What else do you notice?”

She falls silent. “Yes,” she says finally. “I have a teacher who says, ‘the wise voice is quiet.’ When I listen more carefully, I hear a voice that says that what my son needs is this, what’s happening right now, this kind of being-with. I can’t fix his depression or make him find a job. But I can be with him. And I can be with myself.” She smiles. “If I’m listening to a wise voice, I’m not all alone, am I?”

We sit together in silence. Then she continues, “I feel less helpless and desperate. His depression, my anxiety, they are part of being human. It’s okay.”

She has hit upon the fourth Bramavihara—equanimity. The willingness to be fully present with things as they are. Equanimity acts as a natural brake on compassion and our tendency to become preoccupied with the feelings of others.

“My teacher has taught me an equanimity prayer,” I offer. “I call it ‘a mother’s prayer’. I’ve found it helpful in parenting, if you’d like to hear it.”

“Sure,” she replies.

“It goes like this: ‘Things are just as they are. Joy and sorrow arise and pass away. Your happiness depends upon your intentions and your actions, not upon my wishes for you. I love you, but I cannot prevent your suffering.”

“That’s nice, I like that.”

“I added a line: ‘I delight in your capacity to make your own decisions, even if I don’t agree with them.”

She laughs. “Oy. That’s a tough one. What if his decisions are making us both miserable?!” She pauses and answers her own question. “I understand. I want him to be his own person, and he has to figure out his life from his own experience.”

Mudita, the third Bramavihara, fills us with sympathetic joy in the happiness of others, even if we did nothing to create it.

“I’m grateful for all the times my parents let me make my own mistakes, I suppose I can take pleasure in his being able to do the same. I guess I know what I’ll be practicing this week.”

***
 

And so, by sitting with herself, Andrea weaves together the message of the four Bramaviharas, guided by the wisdom of her quiet inner voice.