Caring for those Who Care for Our Pets

Stresses on the Veterinarian

We can’t turn on the television or look at social media without seeing evidence of how the pet industry has grown exponentially over the years. We don’t just have pets anymore; we now are the proud parents (and grandparents) of “fur babies.” Rarely, however, do we think about the difficult side of having a fur baby. Yet veterinarians are on the front lines of managing the effects of this fur baby boom; and, as pets age or become ill, veterinarians have the difficult task of working with pet parents and providing the necessary care for their pets. This task, difficult on its own, is compounded when pet owners cannot afford or are astounded by and react intensely about their pets’ cost of care. Still other pet parents are unable or unwilling to accept their pet’s illness and insist on providing treatment, even when the treatment will not extend the animal’s life. Even with these tensions, veterinarians often develop an emotional connection with pet owners and their pets. The emotional connection adds a dimension of stress and emotional pain when pets become ill or must be euthanized. Being a veterinarian is far more than working with animals.

Then there are the kinds of stories that appall the public. In early 2020 in South Florida, it was reported that a local humane society euthanized 198 animals over a two-month period without first requesting any support from rescue groups. The story is certainly shocking, and the tragedy to the animals pulls hard on our heartstrings; yet we don’t consider the impact of situations like this on shelter veterinarians. For this group, the need to euthanize can be emotionally overwhelming, given the number of euthanasia procedures they must perform due to overpopulation.

A review of the literature suggests that there is some training to help veterinarians provide grief support services and resources to clients. Still, there is little available to veterinarians for their own work-related grief work. An example of the need for awareness in this area was noted when one of the authors’ dogs, Riley, had to be euthanized when medications to control his health issues were no longer effective. Riley had been a client at his vet’s practice for seven years, and the hospital staff was also affected by the need to euthanize him. While there is the need to maintain a professional stance in these cases, it is important to note that veterinarians and their staff may have strong feelings for their clients.

Over the last couple of years, we have come to see that, like others in the helping professions, veterinarians face a wide variety of stressors that contribute to issues related to their mental health. Because impairments manifest in varying degrees, it can be challenging to recognize one’s own or a colleague’s impairment, even in the best of times and with experience. This is of particular concern when we consider that this group of professionals is at higher than average risk for suicide.

According to reports from the CDC and other international studies of veterinary professionals, mental health issues amongst veterinarians can be attributed to multiple factors. Compassion fatigue, demands for euthanasia, challenges with workplace relationships, and the demands of supporting and educating pet parents on issues related to their pets all impact veterinary professionals’ mental health. The responsibilities of managing a veterinary practice and exceedingly high levels of veterinary school debt from tuition costs averaging $160,000-$329,000 add additional burdens to veterinarians’ already stressed and challenging careers. Given our current COVID-19 crisis, many veterinarians have been furloughed or laid off or are witnessing their colleagues being laid off, creating a new level of stress. In addition, veterinary office changes were required to help manage physical distancing during COVID-19, causing stress for both veterinarians and pet owners.

While client relationships are primary in veterinary medicine, veterinary practices are also production-based, meaning that the veterinarian must manage what is in the best interest of the pet/client and the need to produce to retain their position. This creates an ethical challenge. In addition, the level of rigor and oversight around medical documentation can vary, with some practices being flexible and accommodating about how documentation is kept and who can sign off on medical records. Some practices allow technicians to sign records for renewing prescriptions or completing medical notes; this can open opportunities for veterinary staff to illicitly take or prescribe medications.

When combining the immense stressors that contribute to depression and other mental health-related issues, a production-based work environment, lax or variable management of documentation, and workplace access to a wide variety of drugs, many of which are highly addictive, there is increased potential for veterinary professionals to become susceptible to drug misuse and addiction to cope with work stress. Dr. Jon Geller noted this danger in his 2016 article in DMV 360 and added that there are insufficient resources to address this concern, including insufficient drug testing in veterinary workplaces, few or inadequate drug control procedures, and limited access to or availability to employee assistance programs.

Veterinarians have access, often with limited oversight, to potentially addictive medications to help with depression, anxiety, and sleep management. While increased levels of scrutiny and oversight have limited opportunities for medical professionals working with human patients to access in-house drugs, this level of oversight has not been implemented in veterinary practices in the United States.

The importance of greater training around and support for prescription abuse for veterinarians is underscored in stories such as John Burke’s Pharmacy Times article (2019), which highlighted the implications of limited oversight in veterinary clinics. As Burke relays, as rates of addiction rise with the growing opioid crisis, there is an increasing need for veterinarians to receive training and support around prescription abuse. His article includes an account of a veterinarian who prescribed unnecessary opioid medications for pets she had placed under overnight observation; pet owners would fill the scripts and return the medications to the clinic for their pets, not knowing that the veterinarian was taking them for herself. This practice continued until a pharmacist learned that the drugs were being returned to the vet clinic for administration and reported it to the authorities.

Addressing the Need

Given these challenges, the increased attention to veterinary professionals’ mental health needs is both timely and necessary. Yet, according to the American Veterinary Medical Association, only 36 states and the District of Columbia have laws and regulations authorizing wellbeing programs for veterinary professionals. Once it is determined that a veterinarian is indeed heading in the direction of impairment, because of the taboo associated with “having” a mental health or substance use disorder, it is often difficult for colleagues to encourage the impaired professional to seek counseling. Seeking the right treatment is important to maintain professional competence. By developing interventions for veterinary professionals along the three levels of prevention (primary, secondary, and tertiary), mental health professionals can intentionally make connections with and offer support to veterinarians. These prevention services can include education, training, and support around mental health and substance use disorders that are focused specifically on the issues faced by veterinarians.

Primary Prevention Interventions

Veterinary training programs may serve as ideal grounds for implementation of primary prevention strategies, which aim to address prevention of mental health and substance use issues before they arise. In many ways, to address the needs of veterinarians, it just makes sense to meet their needs when these professionals are at their most energetic and idealistic—while they are students, before the stressors of the work really start to impact professionals’ mental health. Clinical training faculty; however, may not sufficiently focus on students’ mental health or stress the importance of self-care during training. And conversely, students in these high pressure training programs may be reluctant to admit to that they are struggling emotionally. In a school-based primary prevention intervention, mental health professionals might coordinate with veterinary programs to offer workshops or guest lectures during various points in students’ training to reduce the risk of mental health disorders and/or substance use disorders. Integration of mental health information should not be a one-time occurrence. Instead, this type of programming should be implemented from the initiation of coursework as a prevention strategy for students while they deal with the stress and pressure of training.

A primary prevention strategy also offers an opportunity to plant seeds for when the student is a professional working in the field. In this case, mental health professionals could provide services that educate educators and students in veterinary studies about mental health and substance use disorders as well as the factors that often affect these impairments. Such training should also help educators and students identify the potential signs and symptoms of the impairments. Moving beyond just providing factual information, mental health professionals could work collaboratively with veterinary education programs to develop prevention programs that address and mitigate risks for mental health and substance use disorders amongst students. These programs could include interventions to help students develop self-care strategies, connect students to resources in the community, and support the development of healthy relationships within students’ support networks.

Secondary Prevention Interventions

Secondary prevention strategies involve early detection of issues, usually through screening measures. One example of a secondary prevention intervention would be mental health providers’ working with veterinary professionals to help them recognize when they or their colleagues are impaired. In another intervention, mental health practitioners might help veterinary practices to set up regular mental health screenings of workers (i.e., for burnout, anxiety, or suicidal ideation) to help identify issues in their initial stages. Early detection and treatment are key. In this prevention level, mental health practitioners might provide support to veterinary professionals who were caught using or accessing drugs. Working with individuals at this stage is meant to “catch” the potential problem and prevent it from getting worse.

Mental health professionals can also provide mental health consultation services to help veterinarians develop and establish thorough clinic practice standards. These standards should include steps to obtain due process for individuals who may be impaired. In the case of a veterinarian experiencing opioid dependence, secondary prevention might include providing consultation to the veterinarian and staff to set up a modified work schedule so the veterinarian can return to their job without risk of accessing drugs. In addition to supporting veterinary professionals experiencing mental health or substance use issues, we need to keep in mind the colleagues who may be caught off guard when a veterinary professional seeks or is encouraged to seek help for drug use. Therefore, the services provided to veterinary staff may include counseling to those working with an impaired professional, including grief counseling.

Tertiary Prevention Interventions

Tertiary interventions are necessary when veterinary professionals relapse or have a drug addiction and need rehabilitation and ongoing support. This stage of prevention is meant to keep the situation from getting worse. Again, this stage requires the mental health professional to pull on actions from the previous two stages, ensuring the veterinary professional is safe, connecting them to resources in their community, and assisting them to develop a healthy support network. To further support the tertiary prevention efforts for this group of professionals, mental health practitioners can host support groups for participants to explore their mental health concerns and share strategies for living well. If veterinarian professionals are terminated from their positions, mental health practitioners can advocate for veterinary programs to retrain workers for new jobs when they have recovered as much as possible.

For mental health professionals to provide services to this specialized group, we need to understand that veterinarians and veterinary professionals face unique pressures. Not only are their workloads excessive and their hours long, but they also must face anxious and emotional clients and animals, often having to make life-or-death decisions about unwanted or sick animals. These stressors, along with other practice-related factors, contribute to the veterinary profession’s challenges of burnout and compassion fatigue, which are associated with mental health and substance use disorders, as well as suicide-related behavior.

Case Discussion

Melinda reluctantly came to counseling at her primary care doctor’s urging. Her mother had convinced her she needed help dealing with being overwhelmed, stressed, isolated, and anxious. She told Melinda to speak to the doctor about getting her anti-anxiety medication adjusted, given her stress and lack of sleep. Melinda has been on a low dose of an SSRI since graduating with her bachelor’s degree. She visited her doctor, explained what was going on, and he increased her medication. The doctor also asked her if she wanted something to help her sleep. Melinda became quiet and reluctantly admitted that she had borrowed some medication from the veterinary hospital where she worked to help with sleeping. It was at this time that her doctor told her she needed to seek help.

Melinda learned that the company she worked for offered financial support for those seeking counseling, but she was afraid of what people would say if they knew she needed help. Throughout her years in veterinary practice, she knew that people generally thought veterinarians played with puppies and kittens all day and did not think anyone outside of the profession would understand. She tried to forego counseling and try to resolve the issues herself but realized she wasn't managing well. In the past, Melinda would go to the gym five days a week to help manage her anxiety and stress. She noted that going to the gym always worked for her, but now she didn’t have time to do that. She also indicated that she was having trouble sleeping. All Melinda wanted to do when she got home from work was sleep. Sometimes she was too tired to cook and would pick up fast food on the drive home. Everyone at work thought Melinda was okay but tired due to long hours.

As a young adult, after working diligently to obtain her undergraduate degree and working at a local animal shelter, Melinda had finally been accepted to a veterinary school after three years of submitting applications. Her new friendships at school and enthusiasm for her career helped her manage the program's mental demands. She was concerned about additional student loans but did not consider the future impact of high-interest rates accruing during and after school. The program's high demands and extensive studying prevented any students from getting jobs during school to offset some of these costs. Melinda did her best to live within her means and focused on completing her degree.

Once she graduated, Melinda was selected for a 1-year rotating specialty internship and was excited for the opportunity to improve her clinical skills. Although internships have a low salary despite their highly demanding schedules and on-call hours, Melinda felt the experience would be important when looking for a full-time position. She deferred student loan payments and, upon completing her internship, obtained a small animal general practice position with a five days per week schedule. Melinda was excited about being out of school and moving forward in her career.

When student loan payments came due, Melinda began making payments. She was disheartened to see the amount of interest her loans had accrued but felt empowered to have her dream career and start planning her future. Due to the high cost of living where she lived and her debt-consciousness, she shared a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate.

“Melinda noted that she worked 55-60 hours per week on paper, but she stayed late at work after every shift catching up on phone calls and writing medical records”. Since generating revenue was a high priority in this practice, she picked up additional shifts and was now averaging 60–70-hour work weeks. She felt relieved as she saw the larger paychecks and ignored her exhaustion, telling herself it would pay off in the long run. Feeling pressure from both clients and hospital management, Melinda frequently agreed to squeeze in additional cases during the day, and it was not uncommon to skip lunch. She indicated that she was losing weight but didn't have time to eat. She was increasingly tired but saw opportunities to pick up additional shifts as a good opportunity to help pay off the student loans. She often didn't have enough energy to get to the gym at night, a key stress reliever during college and veterinary school, so she would periodically “find a medication” from the clinic to help her energy level.

Melinda was having trouble sleeping and would wake up thinking about cases. She would replay patient exams and lab results in her mind, worrying if she had missed something. Melinda noticed some cases where she had forgotten to finish typing a medical record, and clients were calling asking for lab results more frequently because she didn't have time to call them with results. When arriving at work, Melinda would often have numerous lab reports to review, refill requests to fulfill, and client calls to return about sick pets. She struggled to find time to get everything done. It was relatively easy to take medications from the clinic without being noticed, and she had been doing so for the last six months before seeking counseling. She began periodically taking a stimulant medication from the clinic to help her boost her energy and then a sedative to help her sleep at night.

Melinda reminisced about the first few years of her career, when she had mentorship, and wished she could go back to those days. She felt increasingly alone both at work and in her social life. When she wasn't in surgery, a large part of her day was spent seeing sick pets, trying to work within owners’ budgets for diagnostics and appropriate treatments without sacrificing quality of care, end of life consultations, and client education for wellness and preventative care. Relationships at work were good, but all the team members were under stress. Some long-term patients had recently been euthanized, which was adding to everyone's emotional strain.

Melinda said she had begun reducing shifts and trying to minimize the extra caseload but started to feel guilty when saying no to additional “fit ins” throughout the day. A client recently posted a review on Yelp berating her for being unable to fit a pet in on the same afternoon the owner called. Another screamed at her on the phone for wanting to charge for the laboratory testing to help figure out the cause of a pet's weight loss and accused her of not caring about animals. She was also worried about a tough case requiring many follow-up visits. The owner had started to have financial concerns, and Melinda was worried that without the continued follow-up to regulate the pet's disease, the pet might start to decline.

Continued negativity from clients, the pressure to meet revenue goals set by the practice, self-care reduction, lack of personal space at home, worry about cases, and financial concerns drove Melinda to wonder if she made the right career choice. Given the high debt and interest rate on her student loan payments, she felt trapped in her current position, since a change for a lesser salary would make it impossible to make loan payments. After five years, she still had never taken time to travel, which had been something she had been hoping to do once she had a stable job. She realized she was not meeting her goals of meeting someone and starting a family. Melinda spoke to her manager and tried to reduce her hours down to four days a week; she then worried about the pay cut's impact on her finances. Melinda used some vacation days but felt she was not able to get her mind off work. She began to realize there wasn't much that she enjoyed in life anymore.

Primary Prevention: If we had been able to work with Melinda while she was still in her training program or as a new professional, primary prevention approaches would have focused on preventing or reducing the chances of acquiring a substance use disorder and/or mental health disorder. Prevention strategies at this level would likely include psychoeducation and skills development focused on awareness of the effects and potential consequences of SUDs and the importance of attending to wellness and mental health (e.g., stress management skills, self-esteem building, problem-solving, recognizing and building protective factors, recognizing risk factors). Given the stigma of seeking therapy Melinda seems to hold, we would work to destigmatize seeking mental health therapy, framing it as a source of support and one way to promote self-care, much like her time at the gym. We would make sure to provide connections to community and profession-specific resources that support veterinarians, such as state wellbeing programs for veterinary professionals. Considering the immense stress associated with student loans, having resource information about debt management training on hand would be another important prevention strategy to assist Melinda.

Secondary Prevention: Melinda is experiencing stress from work, the burden of a sizable student loan, and guilt (and possibly shame) for taking medication not prescribed to her from her place of work. From the perspective of secondary prevention, the focus is on harm reduction. Providing referrals to the resources identified in primary prevention would be appropriate in the secondary prevention process. Melinda will likely appreciate the information to help with her loans, but the referral alone is not enough to help her address her maladaptive behaviors. First, it is essential to assess for baseline severity of symptoms and coexisting mental health disorders. Given her reluctance to therapy, working with Melinda using motivational interviewing therapy might help her work through her ambivalence. Motivational therapies, such as motivational interviewing, encourage a client’s readiness for change and may help Melinda realize and voice her personal goals. To reduce harmful behaviors, for clients whose substance use is mild, CBT and social skills and other skills training (e.g., communication skills, stress management, problem-solving, and identification of the effects of the medication she’s taking without medical oversight) are reported effective. With addiction, a combination of motivational incentives/contingency management rewards and CBT appears to be an effective treatment intervention. Group counseling is especially effective in creating a support network. In addition to group counseling, there are profession-specific support networks available. One such group is Not One More Vet, which came about to prevent suicides among veterinarians. The last element of secondary prevention is to build in a relapse prevention plan into the client’s treatment plan.

Tertiary Prevention: Tertiary prevention would focus on relapse prevention and/or advanced substance abuse, the long-term effects of the abuse, and the impact of complications associated with SUDs. Relapse is common (and often part of the journey) in recovery. So, planning for relapse is an important part of any prevention plan. As a result, there are a number ways mental health practitioners can assist clients incorporate tertiary prevention approaches in their treatment. For Melinda, the following are just a few options. Focusing on relapse prevention, Melinda is encouraged to continue meeting with her therapist. However, the focus in therapy would be less on skill development and more on supporting her practice and implementation of her newly acquired (or reinforced) skills (e.g., stress management skills, self-esteem building, problem-solving, recognizing and building protective factors, recognizing risk factors) in her work setting and personal relationships. These skills are critical in her being able to deal with shifts and changes that happen in life, positive and negative. A related strategy would be to work with Melinda to identify and recognize the shifts and changes in her personal life or career that might negatively impact her sobriety and mental health and potentially open the door for relapse. Melinda’s continued involvement in her support group is also encouraged, so she can keep on learning healthy strategies from her peers.

In the case that Melinda’s substance use progresses and she opts to seek inpatient treatment, it is important for the practitioner to know of or to consult with colleagues about reputable rehabilitation programs. Helping the client research and select a rehabilitation program that best suits her needs fits in with tertiary prevention planning. Finally, should Melinda experience long-term medical or other disability effects of her substance use, she may need the support of a vocational rehabilitation counselor for assistance with employment support.

***

This brief article and case study propose making connections with and offering support to veterinarians and veterinary professionals from a prevention model perspective, engaging with them in training programs during their medical training and in the community. We propose not waiting for veterinarians to enter our practice for intervention, but rather reaching out proactively and identifying opportunities for providing psychoeducation, consultation, and advocacy.

Resources for Veterinarians and Mental Health Clinicians

State Wellbeing Programs for Veterinary Professionals
Debt Management Training
Not One More Vet

References

American Veterinary Medical Association. (n.d.) State wellbeing programs for veterinary professionals. https://www.avma.org/resources-tools/wellbeing

Geller, J. (2016, June 15). Dark shadows: Drug abuse and addiction in the veterinary workplace. DVM 360 Magazine. https://www.dvm360.com/view/dark-shadows-drug-abuse-and-addiction-veterinary-workplace 

A Therapist’s Best Friend

A while back, I was asked to present my animal assisted therapy work (AAT) to a group of masters students who were studying applied animal behavior and training. I was especially eager to share how in the course of my traditional work in rational emotive and clinical hypnotherapy, I had ventured into this little-researched but highly effective therapeutic modality. And somewhere along the way, my dog Lara would also acquire some well-deserved therapeutic notoriety. Allow me to explain.

Lara Earns Her Degree

I met Lara in 2014 when she was at the Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, a charity rescue centre near London, near to where I was living at the time. Lara was the first of what was meant to be many dogs that I would foster. However, I fell at the first hurdle and adopted her. We have been together ever since.

I moved to Bristol two years later, where I applied for a job as a part-time CBT therapist at the Priory Bristol, a local private psychiatric hospital. The interview went tremendously well, as I had mentioned my dog and it turned out that both I and the therapy services manager had Staffordshire Bull Terriers. Out came the photos on our respective smartphones. After much mutual cooing, the therapy services manager asked, “Have you ever done any therapy with her?” I had, albeit only a little and incidentally.

“I had used Lara to help two different clients deal with their dog phobias”. At the appropriate time in treatment, I brought her to the clinic and gradually introduced her to my client. First, I allowed her in the room but did not let her directly interact with the clients. When they were ready, I allowed Lara to have a nose and a sniff, and then invited the clients to stroke and interact with her. These safely-guided interactions slowly evolved into walks at the local dog park.

Another time, a mother asked me to help her autistic son, who was having anxiety issues related to his studies at university. When I asked her if there was anything I could do or should know about to help facilitate a smoother session for him, she asked, “I don’t suppose you have a dog, do you?” Apparently, this young man loved dogs and could communicate more fluidly if one was present. And so he spent all our sessions on the floor, petting Lara while talking to but never looking at me.

I landed the role at the Priory. It was during my first week of induction training that the manager asked if I would like to work three full days per week rather than the three mornings discussed. “I’d like to, but I can’t,” I said. This was not the answer she was hoping for. I explained that I had moved to Bristol to be closer to nature and to have lovely places to walk Lara. Leaving her at home while I worked or having a dog walker visit her only at lunchtimes was not part of my agenda.

“I can understand that,” she said, and then asked me again during my second week of training if I would work the three full days. “I thought I had made my position clear,” I said. “Oh, you did,” she replied. “But what if you brought Lara to work and added animal assisted therapy to your offerings here? You would have to think of formal therapy activities, so it won’t simply be the case of ‘bringing your dog to work.’”

The Priory Bristol, as it turned out, had a history of incorporating animals—including dogs, rabbits, and Shetland ponies—into their therapeutic milieu. The hospital itself was set in some rather lovely grounds, with meadows behind it; all perfect places to walk a dog, so I agreed.

For my continual professional development training that year, I undertook a distance learning course on AAT and had Lara assessed and registered with a charity called Pets as Therapy. She immediately began accompanying me to work.

Part of the Team

At The Priory, I work with clients both individually and in groups, where Lara acts as an icebreaker, rapport, and instant trust builder. My groups have a better attendance record than most at the facility, not because of therapeutic modality or my style of delivery, but rather because of the presence of my dog. Lara is great to have on hand for people who love dogs, but she's also very intuitive and good at providing comfort during moments of distress, usually by putting her head in client’s laps.

The Priory also contains five bedded wards and so, once a week, prior to COVID, Lara and I participated in rounds, visiting people who either missed their own or simply liked interacting with dogs. She also joined occasional exercise or rehab programs at the facility, where service users and I would walk Lara together, or play fetch in the walled garden.

My work with one particular service user highlighted the clear difference between an animal assisted activity and simply “bringing your dog to work.” Julia (not her real name), a long-stay resident on our dementia ward, loved dogs, and walking Lara down the lane and back became part of her tailored exercise plan. Because she had dementia, a poster of Lara was placed on her bedroom wall to act as a reminder, and so she always looked forward to Friday mornings walks with Lara. Until one day, she didn’t. She refused to participate and continued refusing to participate for several Fridays after that.

After a bit of investigating, I discovered that not only was one of the doctors on the ward bringing her dog to work, but so too was one of the nurses. And they were both leaving their respective animals with Julia “because she liked dogs.” And so, by Friday, having had her fill of canine company, Julia was refusing to walk my dog and was, therefore, not getting the exercise she needed. Sadly, I had to put the service on hold.

A little later, both the doctor and the nurse left the facility, so I tried to reintroduce dog walking, but Julia would have none of it. Every time I came near her with Lara, she told me to “bugger off.” Julia blamed me, you see. She went from one dog to three dogs to no dogs and in her mind, due to her dementia, saw me as the culprit. To this day, we cannot get her to walk with the dog.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Lara is used as a reinforcer in the context of a token economy—and by that, I mean a bribe. One of our wards is dedicated to treating service users with eating disorders. Each service user has a meal plan that they agree to. Sticking to the plan is essential to their recovery. When they don’t agree or comply, their privileges can be removed. “Eat your dinner,” they are told, “or you won’t be able to play with the dog on Friday.” It works.

Similarly, service users who don’t behave, cause trouble, or (if they are young and receiving schooling) don’t do their homework are told they can’t see the dog. They generally learned to calm down, behave and quickly apply themselves.

. She has even been used as bait. One afternoon, one of our young service users was refusing to go back to the ward after her late morning walk. A sturdy girl, she had thrown herself on the floor in the reception area and was clinging to one of the railings. She was there as I left to take the dog for a walk and was still there on my return some 40 minutes later. The staff were polite but frustrated. I motioned to the ward manager. “She likes the dog,” I said.

“Great!” said the ward manager, and we used Lara, and the promise of interacting with her, to lure the young woman back to the ward and her room, step by step, with me walking backwards, Lara following me, and the service user following the dog, all the way back to her room, where she was then allowed to stroke and cuddle her.

“Thank you for that,” said the ward manager gratefully. “That’s okay,” I said. “Only in this place is it normal for a middle-aged man to lure a teenage girl to her bedroom with the promise of a puppy.” “That’s dark,” she said. But she still sent a message to my manager saying how helpful both myself and Lara had been.

Added Benefits

Lara doesn’t just benefit the inservice and outservice users. Her presence in the workplace seems to contribute to a reduced sense of stress and increased productivity. She has a bed in an alcove in the therapy services department just behind my desk. Stressed staff often come to visit her during mini-breaks to calm down and enjoy some doggy time. And as I walk around the hospital, she is like a little wave of joy who participates in a dozen or more pleasurable micro-interactions in the course of our day.

Such a benefit is Lara that the Priory marketing department turned her into a feel-good intranet news story. A local newspaper then picked up on this and turned her into a minor local celebrity. Since then, she has appeared in various magazines, newspapers and pet and pet therapy websites (local, national, and global), has been used in social media posts by both the Priory and Battersea Dogs and Cats Homes, and has appeared in marketing videos for both. I’ve joked several times now that I should be getting her an agent.

At the end of every session in both my private practice and hospital work, I provide a written summary and five questions for clients to reflect on. I ask what their biggest learning point from the session was, what was and was not helpful, and so on. During sessions when Lara has not been present (such as when recovering from an operation or because she was fast asleep in her basket), people have often written, “I missed the dog,” under what was not helpful about the session. One man who was seeing me regularly for hypnotherapy stated, “I really missed the reassuring sound of Lara snoring during my session.” Even when Lara doesn’t appear to be doing anything therapeutic, she is still providing some sort of therapy benefit.

*****

As I delivered that talk to those students I mentioned at the opening of this article, I reflected on all these points and more, and reflected on how “I consider a dog essential to my own wellbeing”. I also very much enjoy being the therapist with a dog and feel very privileged that I can take her to work with me every day. As I write this article, she is asleep on the sofa, whimpering softly and dreaming doggy dreams. 

Treating the Compulsive Personality: Transforming Poison into Medicine

One summer during my analytic training, I committed myself to study, outline, and completely internalize Nancy McWilliams’s Psychoanalytic Diagnosis (1994). The idea that you could be more effective with clients by understanding their specific patterns ran contrary to the anti-diagnosis attitude at my training institute. But it appealed to my eagerness to be helpful.

Not long after I began, I recognized myself in the chapter on the obsessive-compulsive personality. While I didn’t meet the DSM-5 criteria for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), I certainly had my compulsive traits: perfectionism, over-working, and planning, just to name the obvious. McWilliams’ description elucidated who I could have become, had I not had a supportive family and lots of analysis to rein in those tendencies.

But this wasn’t just personal or theoretical. I recognized the collection of traits found in the personality style in my many driven, Type A, and perfectionistic clients working in law, finance, and publishing in work-crazed midtown Manhattan. And I saw the suffering it caused.

The Unrecognized Stepchild of Personality Disorders

Captivated by the subject, I eventually got involved in some online OCPD support groups. There, I read many stories of people who thought they had OCD for years before finally realizing that their entire personality was characterized by compulsive tendencies. They had known that their struggles weren’t just with specific obsessions and compulsions, but that was the only diagnosis they were aware of that was even close to describing them. And in many cases, OCD was the diagnosis a clinician had given them.

This pattern of misdiagnosis became even clearer once I began receiving comments and emails from people reading my new blog, The Healthy Compulsive Project, and my book, The Healthy Compulsive.

While OCPD is one of the most frequently occurring personality disorders of the ten listed in the DSM, it is under-recognized and probably underdiagnosed (Koutoufa & Furnman, 2014). Far too often, it’s confused with OCD by both the public and clinicians. One study indicates that the lack of recognition of the condition leads to a lack of empathy for it (McIntosh & Paulson, 2019). And far more people suffer from obsessive-compulsive personality traits than those who meet the full criteria.

It doesn’t help that it’s ego syntonic not just for the sufferer, but to some extent for our culture as well. Capitalism doesn’t care if you work too hard. According to psychologist and researcher Anthony Pinto (2016), there is no empirically validated gold standard treatment for OCPD. I suspect that this is a function both of our tolerance of it and of the difficulty in treating it.

What’s the Meaning of This?

As I filtered all of this through my training as a Jungian analyst, my curiosity about the underlying meaning of the disorder was piqued. Jung emphasized the importance of asking what symptoms and neuroses were for. What potentially adaptive purpose did symptoms serve in the patient’s life, or for humankind at large? Could there be meaning under something so destructive? Was there some underlying attempt to move toward individuation gone awry?

Looking up the etymology underlying the word “compulsion,” I realized that it wasn’t originally a bad thing. A compulsion is an urge that’s almost uncontrollable. A drive or force. And that’s not all bad. Many of these urges lead to creative and productive behavior. But “before I could find any possible light in the condition, I had to acknowledge how dark it could be”.

The Cost of OCPD

The more I observed the world of the obsessive-compulsive personality, the more I came to see its destructive potential. A review of OCPD by Deidrich & Voderholzer (2015) tells us that people who have OCPD often have other diagnoses as well, including anxiety, depression, substance-abuse, eating disorders, and hypochondriasis. OCPD amplifies these other conditions and makes them harder to treat. People with OCPD have higher than average rates of depression and suicide and score lower on a test called the Reasons for Living Inventory (Deidrich & Voderholzer, 2015).

Medical expenses for people with OCPD are substantially higher than those with other conditions such as depression and anxiety. And the study indicating this only included people who had sought treatment—which excludes the many with more serious cases who don’t (Deidrich & Voderholzer, 2015).

The cost for couples and families is great. People who are at the unhealthy end of the compulsive spectrum can be impossible to live with. They can become mean, bossy and critical, and their need to control often contributes to divorce. Much of the correspondence I receive is from partners of people with OCPD who are at the end of their rope, looking desperately for hope that their partner can change.

Parents with OCPD often place unreasonable demands on their children. This can interfere with developing secure attachment and may also increase the chances of a child’s developing an eating disorder.

It also causes problems in the workplace. While some compulsives are very productive, others become so perfectionistic that they can’t get anything done. Still others prevent their coworkers from getting anything done because their criticism disrupts productivity.

Similar problems happen in other organizations such as volunteer groups and religious institutions. People with compulsive tendencies often become involved in community groups, and they’re so convinced that they’re completely right, and that they should control everything, that they contribute to the deterioration of the organization, partially because others don’t want to work with them (Deidrich & Voderholzer, 2015).

Just as disturbing is knowing of the many personal, community, and cultural benefits that the condition prevents when it hijacks energy that would otherwise have led to leadership, creativity, and productivity. Compulsives can be movers and shakers, but instead they often end up being blockers and disruptors. The people who shape the world are the ones with the most determination, not the ones with the best ideas. And compulsives have lots of determination.

The Adaptive Perspective on OCPD

As I looked more deeply into the condition, I could see that the original intention beneath compulsive control is positive: compulsives are compelled to grow, lead, create, produce, protect, and repair. It seemed to me that the obsessive or compulsive personality is not fundamentally neurotic, but a set of potentially adaptive, healthy, constructive, and fulfilling characteristics that have gone into overdrive.

I’m certainly not the only one to make this observation. A dimensional perspective of personality disorders is gaining momentum (Haslam, 2003). But this viewpoint is still sorely needed for sufferers, partners, and clinicians.

Realizing that evolutionary psychology might provide an understanding of the adaptive potential of obsessive-compulsive tendencies, I contacted psychologist Steven Hertler, who has been on the front lines of thought in this area. His ideas resonated with what I had suspected about the survival benefits of obsessive-compulsive tendencies: the behavior that those genes led to made it more likely that the offspring of those with the genes would survive (Hertler, 2015). For instance, being meticulous and cautious is part of what Hertler (2015) refers to as a “slow-life strategy,” which increases the likelihood that those genes will be handed down.

Most importantly, though, a perspective which highlights the possible benefits of a compulsive personality style has significant clinical benefits. Conveying the possible advantages of this character style to clients lowers defensiveness and encourages change.

There is a wide spectrum of people with compulsive personality, with unhealthy and maladaptive on one end, and healthy and adaptive on the other end. Clients on the unhealthy end of the spectrum can be very defensive about their condition. They tend to think in black-and-white terms, good and bad, and their sense of security is dependent on believing that they are all the way on the good side. This makes it hard for them to acknowledge their condition, enter therapy, and get engaged in treatment. When they do come in, it’s usually because their partner is pressuring them, or because they have become burned-out or depressed.

If we are to help people suffering from obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, we need to find a way to get under their defenses so that they can make use of therapy. When we understand and convey that OCPD is a maladaptive version of something much more positive, we begin to forge a good working relationship.

But as therapists, we should also acknowledge that some individuals are so far to the unhealthy end of the continuum that even if they were to enter therapy, we might not be able to help them. It was important for me, at least, to be realistic, so that I didn’t set myself up to feel that I had failed if I wasn’t able to help someone.

Characteristics of the Obsessive-Compulsive Personality

The DSM-5 says that OCPD is defined by a “preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental & interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, & efficiency” (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). It goes on to list eight criteria; since these criteria are readily available, I won’t list them here. But I do want to emphasize what the DSM-5 (2013) points out in the first criteria: people with OCPD are preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost. I have found this to be a defining characteristic of people on the unhealthy end of the compulsive spectrum—they’ve lost the point of their rules and efforts to control. They’ve lost their original intention, the thing they first felt compelled to do.

I remember being struck the first time I noticed this. A female client was talking about how she had berated some people for not following the rules. It struck me that she was so adamant about the rules that she had forgotten who the rules were meant to help and protect—the very people she was berating.

One goal of treatment should be to help clients recover, or uncover for the first time, the original impulse, the deeper motivation that has compelled them. I may be biased because I practice psychodynamic treatment, but it seems to me that because OCPD affects the entire personality, psychodynamic treatment will be the most effective. I say this because cognitive and behavioral treatments are most effective for very specific issues, less so for the sort of global issues that characterize OCPD.

But those of us who work psychoanalytically may need to budge a little on maintenance of the frame, disclosure, the use of goals, and our reluctance to diagnose. Just as the saying “the only way to peace is peace” goes, “the only way to flexibility is flexibility.” We need to be mindful of our own personal need to control, and a certain rigor that our training may have encouraged: we might think or feel that we are doing the “right” thing by following the rules. But in particular aspects of the work with compulsives, we may gain more through example than through analysis.

Eight Key Points

I’ve found that there are particular themes and tasks that I usually need to work through with compulsive clients over time. I don’t believe that these are unique to OCPD, but rather that they usually require more emphasis than might with other conditions. I outline these below with the suggestion that they be used in a flexible and organic way, rather than as hard and fast steps.

In each of these steps I try to enlist clients’ adaptive compulsive characteristics to foster change.

  1. Create a narrative respecting inborn characteristics. To help compulsives diminish insecurity and develop self-acceptance, “I’ve found that it is important to create a narrative which distinguishes authentic, organic aspects of their personality” from those which were the result of their environment. Compulsives are born with traits such as perfectionism, determination, and attention to detail. They usually like constructive projects, and this can be a joint project that nurtures the working therapeutic relationship.
  2. Identify the coping strategy they adopted. If there was a poor fit between the client and his or her parents, the child may have used their inborn tendencies, such as perfectionism, drive, or self-restraint, to find favor and to feel more secure. Most unhealthy compulsives become so when their energy and talent are hijacked and enlisted to prevent feelings of shame and insecurity, and to prove that they are worthy of respect, inclusion, and connection.
  3. Identify when their coping strategy is still used to cope with anxiety. Recognize if and how they still use that coping strategy as an adult. Most coping strategies used to ward off anxiety will diminish if the anxiety is faced head on rather than avoided with compulsions.
  4. Address underlying insecurity. Question their self-criticism and replace it with appreciation for their inherent individual strengths, rather than pathologizing or understanding them as reactive or defensive. Reframe their personality as potentially constructive. I’ve seen this perspective help many people as they participate in OCPD support groups.
  5. Help clients shift to a more “bottom-up” psychology. Nurture their capacity to identify emotions and learn from them rather than use compulsive behavior to avoid them. Help them to identify and live out the original sources of their compulsion, such as service, creation, and repair, actions that would give their lives more meaning. Help them to make choices based on how things feel rather than how they look.
  6. Identify what’s most important. Most compulsives have either lost track of what’s most important to them, or never knew. Projects and righteousness that they imagine will impress others fill the vacuum. Instead, once they can feel what they were naturally compelled to do, they can use their determination to fulfill it in a more satisfying way.
  7. Identify personality parts. Compulsives try to live in a way that is entirely based on direction from the superego, and they attempt to exclude other aspects of their personality. I have found it very helpful to have them to label the dominant voices in their head (Perfectionist, Problem Solver, Slavedriver), and to identify other personality parts that have been silenced or who operate in a stealth way. Depending on what the client is most comfortable with, we can use terms from Transactional Analysis (Parent, Adult, Child), Internal Family Systems (Exiles, Managers, Firefighters), or a Jungian/archetypal perspective (Judge, Persona, Orphan).
  8. Use the body, the present moment, and the therapeutic relationship. Compulsives rarely experience the present and usually drive their bodies as vehicles rather than nurture them. Bringing their attention to their moment-to-moment experience and using their experience of you as their therapist can help. For instance, bring their attention to tension in their body and, if possible, connect that with any feelings that they have about you. For instance, do they feel a need to comply with you, or any resentment about complying with you?

The Case of Bart

Background

A man in his early forties, whom I will call Bart, came to see me when his wife said she could no longer tolerate his worrying and unhappiness. To his own surprise, he found himself tearing up as he described his life to me. He didn’t do that kind of thing. Ever.

Bart was handsome, fit and bright. Yet he was very self-deprecating.

He told me that he worked in finance and had done well enough to provide comfortably for his family. But his success didn’t register with him at all. He worried about what others thought of him. He feared that people would discover that he was a hoax at his job; he believed his success was accidental and that he could lose it all at any time. At this point in his career, he was just coasting and didn’t find any meaning or challenge in it.

Bart imagined that his family tolerated him only because he provided for them. During our initial consultation, he said he wasn’t feeling bad. But it was clear that he had experienced serious depression in the past, and I suspected that he was still depressed but couldn’t acknowledge it.

His wife was lively, talkative, and highly social, but their relationship was flat at best. He made it a point to say that he did not want to blame her for any of his problems or theirs as a couple. Nor did he want to assign any blame to his parents. Any problems he had were of his own making.

He admitted that he found it difficult to engage feelings. He avoided reflection, journaling, and talking. Like most compulsives, he controlled not just the outer world, but also his inner world. It was hard for him to tolerate uncertainty.

He played organized sports about four days a week, and he had great difficulty tolerating any mistakes on the field or court. He constantly monitored success and failure with a scoreboard in his head. He had quit playing golf because he got too upset when he didn’t play well.

At the end of our initial consultation, I told him that it seemed to me that while he had adapted very well to the external world, he had not adapted well to his inner world. Achieving that would be one of the goals of our work together. I was confident that if he could put the same energy and attention that he had put into career success into his psychological well being, he would see change.

He told me that his impressions of therapy were based on media examples and that he didn’t have any idea how this worked. I told him that I was glad he was asking because we as therapists don’t always do a good job of explaining how the therapeutic process works. I agreed to be transparent about the course of our work, to share how I believed we needed to proceed, and to explain the rationale behind my suggestions. In particular, I would try to be clear about his role in the work.

Narrative

His mother was depressed and a classic martyr. Masochistic, even. She seemed to enjoy her suffering. His father worked as a salesman and was willful, driven, and judgmental. He insisted on success: winning was his religion. For Bart this meant that if his behavior didn’t lead to points on the scoreboard in terms of some productivity or success, it was meaningless. His father said, “it’s good to win.” Bart extended this to “it’s terrible to lose.”

Bart internalized the strategies of both parents, and it caused a terrible conflict: he had imperatives both to lose and suffer (his mother’s masochism), and to win and achieve (his father’s need to triumph). He chose to be more like his father from his teens until he was 25; then he switched and became more like his mother. But he couldn’t let go of the feeling that he should still be winning all the time, in addition to learning, producing, and working all the time. He had lots of “shoulds.”

He had concluded that people want compliance rather than authenticity. He was raised Roman Catholic, and he’d make up things he had done wrong to have something to admit when he went to confession. He told me that he no longer believed in God, so he had to punish himself now. He felt guilty about any sort of self-assertion. He loved post-apocalyptic films because “in that setting, you don’t have to worry about being good anymore.”

Yet Bart didn’t feel that his parents or his environment had any bearing on his current struggles. So I said that the most important thing for us now was to understand how he had adapted to the situation he was raised in.

Coping Strategy

One aspect of Bart’s strategy was trying to control people by giving them what they wanted. Meeting his father’s expectations was only the beginning. Among the four types of compulsives, he was clearly a follower/people-pleaser. He tried to achieve self-acceptance through others’ opinions of him, but it didn’t work, even when he did get accolades.

Another aspect of his strategy was to not depend on others. To do so would rob him of control. It would take time for him to realize that he actually did have social needs, but that, so far, those needs had only gone into impressing others, rather than relating to them. As with many compulsives, Bart felt it was safer to seek respect than to want love.

In his martyr mindset, being a victim implied that he was good. So he often became very negative about his life to prove to himself that he was a victim. He wouldn’t complain verbally to others, but he did need to show himself, at least, how bad his life was. Later he came to realize that his depressed moods were also unconscious attempts to communicate the misery that he could not reveal directly.

He was aware that he had adopted a strategy of planning and perfecting to try to pre-empt the utter self-contempt he unleashed on himself when things didn’t go well. “But why the self-contempt?” I asked. “If I’m self-critical, it will show other people that I won’t tolerate mistakes. But it’s become habitual. I do it even when other people aren’t looking.”

Engaging Feelings

Much of our work involved learning to identify feelings and excavating different levels of feeling so that he could operate from a more “bottom-up” approach. We spoke of therapy as a gymnasium for exercising his capacity to tune into feelings. As with many compulsives, framing our work in terms of a project was helpful in engaging him. I tried to bring attention to what he was feeling in his body and to the present moment.

Most of his feelings were about “shoulds.” Desires were few and far between. Tuning in to desires was a heavy lift for him, but with time he began to be more aware of the difference between acting on fears versus acting on desires.

At times Bart felt like giving up, whatever that might mean. I recommended that he take that seriously but not literally: What is it that you really need to give up? What is the control that you would be happier without?

As he let go of self-control, anger began to surface and eclipsed his sadness and anxiety. Part of him believed that he always did the right thing, and he got angry at those who didn’t. While he was typically self-effacing, it was new for him to acknowledge that in some ways he felt superior.

But we also needed to continue to excavate even more deeply beneath his anger and judgement to see if there were yet other levels of fear or sadness. While it was scary and sad to acknowledge how much was out of his control, it was a relief not to be avoiding it.

When he first came into treatment he had imagined that therapy would remove all his uncomfortable feelings. But with time he came to realize that it was okay to have feelings—sad, anxious or angry—and that he could learn not to amplify those feelings or carry them needlessly. With time, he didn’t need to avoid them so thoroughly.

Identifying What’s Important

Even as he learned to turn his focus inward, he found it hard to articulate his goals in life, career, and therapy. He had lost track of himself and what he really wanted long ago.

Because he had little access to feeling, he was unable to find direction. He obsessed about his job and whether to change companies or even careers. He liked the idea of a new career, especially one with a new identity, but he couldn’t follow through on that. He feared losing the fantasy of what it would be like if he did change.

As he navigated his professional and personal world, I often had to ask him what was most important to him. At first this was distressing, since he had no idea who he was or what he wanted. He was always climbing mountains, but he wasn’t sure whether taking on challenges was something he felt he was supposed to do or something he wanted to do. This skill of distinguishing how something looks from how it feels has been essential to the improvement of most of the people I work with. He couldn’t tell the difference, and we kept revisiting the distinction.

In his efforts to succeed, he’d lost track of why he wanted to succeed. Any sense of fulfillment in accomplishments was replaced by the need to achieve to prove to others and himself that he wasn’t a fraud. Over time he came to recognize that taking on challenges was fulfilling, that he genuinely enjoyed it, and that it was vital to his feeling better. But to enjoy it, he had to let go of using the challenges to prove his worth.

He had similar realizations when telling me about learning: this wasn’t just something he should do to silence his father’s demanding voice, it was something that was very satisfying. He didn’t have to do it, he wanted to do it. And that made it more pleasurable.

We explored his feelings about his marriage. He did value his marriage but was reluctant to depend on his wife: “I’d like to think that I don’t need my wife, but I do. And because I don’t want her to be too important, I don’t take in her support.” This would have made him too vulnerable and would have gone against the masochism he adopted from his mother.

It was a small revelation to him when he was recounting his weekend and noticed that spending time with his son had actually been pleasurable. It wasn’t just a “should.” Noticing this feeling of pleasure was a small window into what was most important for him. “I’ve been putting points in the wrong basket all along, thinking that making money was most important…I have to challenge the idea that piling one more dollar on the stack will make me feel better.”

He came to value more peaceful emotional states—being more present and accepting, and less regretful and judgmental.

Transference & Countertransference

Coming to therapy was not comfortable for Bart, partially because he felt he wasn’t “good” at it. “I remembered that he had quit playing golf because he wasn’t good at it and wondered to myself if the same could happen with therapy”. Still, his ability to speak to me directly about his discomfort was a success. Doing so served as a sort of psychoanalytic exposure therapy, staring down his deep fear of being real and of being known, with the added advantages of eventually understanding the causes and functions of those fears.

He once asked whether therapy was like confession. I explored what it was like in that regard for him and reminded him that when he was young he would make up sins to take to confession. Would he need to do that here? He didn’t think so.

He admitted that he wanted to learn the language of psychotherapy to please me. “Sometimes I tell you what I think you want to hear. I never lie to you, but I do try to figure out what you want.” He felt pressure in the silence to figure out what he was supposed to say. We explored this as a good example of his strategy.

“I’m afraid you think I’m a dick,” he said. “I’ve got so much, what’s my problem? Why am I complaining? You must think I’m just indulging here.” Was this feeling unique to our situation, or was this actually typical of how he felt with most people? He acknowledged that he never felt that it was okay to feel even tolerably accepting of himself, much less feel really good. That would be indulgent and arrogant. And it would invite humiliation.

He had imagined that I would give him a thumbs up at some point, certify him as mentally healthy, and send him on his way. We used this as an opportunity to distinguish what was more important: what I thought about him or how he felt about himself.

Allowing me to know him, and questioning how he imagined I saw him, was a step in the direction of being more open with people in general. Looking for parallels with what he imagined I thought of him, we explored the difference between what he imagined his wife thought of him, and what she really thought of him. As he felt less criticized, anxious, and depressed, she scrutinized him less, and he began to feel more comfortable with her.

“I also experienced my own discomfort with him”. I feared that he would run out of things to say and that I would be exposed as not having anything to offer him. I was not able to work this through completely, but in retrospect I suspect that my fears of being found inadequate were both induced and my own.

He missed a fair number of sessions. Even accounting for the fact that business meetings came up last minute, it still seemed that he avoided his issues at times by not coming. I thought it might be fitting for this to be an imperfect therapeutic process, and that my accepting that was going to be instrumental in his progress.

Despite how imperfect it was, he did make progress. Candor, which had been ego dystonic, was becoming ego syntonic. His coping strategy was changing, and we both came to enjoy his increasing freedom to be himself in the sessions.

Treatment Process: The Agents of Change

My goal in treatment with most compulsives is to enlist their natural impulse to become a “better” person and put it in service of their psychological growth. With Bart I never used the word compulsive, much less mention the diagnosis “OCPD.” But I did note his strong, natural drive to succeed and to be a good person.

Bart did seem to get this eventually: “It's kind of like I'm waking up and realizing that the game I was playing, putting points on the scoreboard, was meaningless, but this process of understanding myself and feeling better is more important. It feels good when I get it, when I master it.”

These realizations included questioning the narrative that he had to be like either of his parents. Near the end of his treatment he told me, “I want to take the best of my mother and father, and not be so black-and-white about it.”

Another aspect of his narrative that we needed to question was whether his family needed him only for money. Maybe they wanted him to be happy as well. Accepting this as a possibility required some vulnerability on his part. He couldn’t remain aloof if they actually cared about him. I believe that his work on opening to feelings in our sessions was instrumental in allowing him to feel closer to his family.

On occasion he wanted assignments for the week. I chose exercises to help him become more aware, in the moment, of how his old coping strategy affected him. For instance: “Try to notice when you stop yourself from feeling good. Count the times you do it. Just noticing it is great.” And, “Notice how many times perfectionism leads you to attack yourself.” Compulsives love to count. What he counted was changing.

We explored different parts of his personality. “What if I’m an asshole that just likes money? What if I just like being seen as generous but I’m really not?”

“Yes, part of you likes money, and part of you likes being seen as generous. Those are both okay. And there is more to you. There is also a part that genuinely likes to be generous whether anyone sees it or not.”

He wondered if it was okay to be ambitious. Somehow it didn’t feel right. The more we processed this, the clearer it became that it wasn’t so much money that was important to him, but achievement and mastery. There was a part of him that loved challenges. To say what he loved was a new expression and marked acceptance of a part of him that he had only vaguely recognized before.

Accepting his introversion was another challenge. He definitely liked his time alone but felt guilty about it, which of course meant that spending time with his wife and others felt like it was in the “should do” column, not the desire column. In the long run, he came to appreciate both being alone (without guilt) and spending time with his family, because it was no longer a “should.” As different parts of him came out of hiding, it became clearer what was important to him.

All these elements served to reduce the insecurity he felt, so that he didn’t need to prove himself…as much.

Termination

After 19 months Bart felt well enough to end treatment. We spent a few weeks processing the termination, especially what it was like for him to end it rather than me. I would have liked to see him longer, but that may have come out of my own perfectionist ideas about how long treatment should go on and what it should accomplish.

I would like to have seen him develop more comfort with the therapeutic process itself, but that too comes from someone whose intense interest in psychology developed when he was a teenager. Maybe not everyone needs to be comfortable with therapy, much less actually enjoy it. It was a very good sign that he decided to end treatment rather than feel he needed to stay to please me. I hope my acceptance was healing.

“I will never know how much, if any, of his progress was a well-performed recovery”. But I suspect that even if his first efforts to be authentic were to please me, they eventually became truly authentic. I suspect that he had experiences and insights that will help him change and be more fulfilled, even well after our work is finished.

Working with compulsives has forced me to examine my own biases, my own need to control, and my own rigidity. If nothing else, I learned that I can’t expect my patients to become any more flexible than I am myself. This includes challenging my own fixed ideas of how treatment should go with each new client.

Conclusion: Poison as Medicine

Jung said that individuation is a compulsive process, that we are compelled to become our true, authentic selves. When that process is blocked, neurotic compulsion ensues.

When we recognize the constructive potential of the obsessive-compulsive personality, we can help make it less “disordered.” When we recognize the energy that’s gotten off track, we can help direct that energy back toward its original, healthier path. The adamancy about doing the “right thing” that turned against the client and the people around them can be enlisted to help them find their way to a more satisfying way of living.

The alchemists were known for trying to transform lead into gold, which was really only a metaphor for transforming the poisonous, dark struggles of our lives into the incorruptible gold of character. But I think that this metaphor works best when we understand that the gold was there all along, obscured and waiting to be released.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Diedrich, A., & Voderholzer, U. (2015). Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: a current review. Current Psychiatry Reports, 17(2), 2.

Haslam, N. (2003). The dimensional view of personality disorders: a review of the taxometric
evidence. Clin Psychol Rev, 23(1), 75-93.

Hertler, S. C. (2015). The evolutionary logic of the obsessive trait complex: Obsessive
compulsive personality disorder as a complementary behavioral syndrome. Psychological
Thought, 8
(1), 17-34.

Koutoufa, I., & Furnham, A. (2014). Mental health literacy and obsessive–compulsive personality disorder. Psychiatry Research, 215(1), 223-228.

McIntosh, P., Paulsen, L. Mental health literacy of OCD and OCPD in a rural area. The Journal of Counseling Research and Practice, 4(1), 52-67. Available at https://egrove.olemiss.edu/jcrp/vol4/iss1/4.

McWilliams, N. (2014). Psychoanalytic Diagnosis. The Guildford Press.
Pinto, A. (2016). Treatment of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. In E. A. Storch & A. B. Lewn (Eds.), Clinical handbook of obsessive-compulsive and related disorders (pp. 415-429). Springer International Publishing AG. 

Accurate Empathy is the Heartbeat of Rogerian Psychotherapy

Person-centered therapy (PCT) is a radical therapeutic ethic that leads to therapeutic discipline. It is not purely idiosyncratic, with therapists doing anything willy-nilly with their clients, reacting to compulsion or fancy. That is not person-centered therapy in the slightest. Person-centered therapy is a refusal to either disempower clients or to kowtow to scientism. It is a commitment to seek understanding over giving advice and to express genuine regard for humanness.

Unfortunately, critics of PCT often cast it as a kind of therapeutic anarchy or as lacking an empirical research base. While I do not intend this as an opportunity to refute baseless critique, I do wish to convey a more objective view, at a glimpse, of one of the pioneering PCT models: Rogerian therapy. I will also share, acknowledging my own bias against it, a contrast to PCT by one of the many CBT-like therapy models currently being held out as an “evidence-based practice” therapeutic approach. And I’ll provide a glimpse into accurate empathy in action.

Accurate Empathy

Carl Rogers had a highly disciplined view of the person-centered approach. He said many times that therapists should be careful to “reflect the emotionalized attitude being expressed.” In his 1942 volume, Counseling and Psychotherapy, he used this phrase again and again. What he also said again and again is that you should not reflect emotions or aspects of the client’s mindset that you think are there but have not yet been revealed—Rogers said that although you may suppose a client feels a particular feeling or that you suppose a client thinks a particular thought, you should stay with what we now term the intersubjective experience between you and the client. As these “attitudes” surface—not as you surface them—you reflect them in a way as a hypothesis. “When you say _______, or when I experience you _______, you’re bringing in this therapeutic material in a way that we can work with together. Am I getting this right?”

Those outside the fold who don’t understand the person-centered approach may wrongly assume such therapists think of themselves as clairvoyant empaths—that they claim psychic intuition. Person-centered therapists don’t believe they’re clairvoyant; quite the opposite. They deeply value checking their intuitions with clients as necessary for promoting true understanding. At the same time, no model can be purely logical, rational, or objective, and so that perhaps hints at the dialectic inherent in a person-centered paradigm.

The most powerful condition that Carl Rogers talked about was an intersubjective experience that he called “accurate empathy.” What Rogers meant by accurate empathy wasn’t that sometimes there is a kind of clairvoyance—that a therapist who is super-empathic can sense someone’s emotions better than someone else or can better identify with someone else’s experience than another. Rather, he was talking about this way of checking in with the client in an open-handed way: “When you say _______, is _______ what you mean?” “When I felt _______ from you when you said _______, I get a sense from you but want to better understand: are you feeling _______? Or maybe kind of _________?” And if you learn from the client that you were wrong, you gain in trust and in insight; and if you learn that you were right, you gain in trust and in insight.

It’s this careful dance of intersubjective experience—respectful warmness, genuineness, not presuming to know another’s experience—that is what Carl Rogers described when he spoke about “accurate empathy.” It’s why he cautioned us to reflect only the emotionalized attitude being expressed and not to reflect other things—other thoughts, other feelings that we think that the client might be having that they have not said anything about explicitly and would amount to mere conjecture. If we’re truly Rogerian, we can conjecture on the basis only of what the client has expressed to us, not on the basis of what the client has not expressed to us. By doing so, we stay firmly in the flow of the dance with a client rather than putting ourselves in the position of expert, as if we have on one extreme, pure logic, or on the other extreme, clairvoyance. Accurate empathy is the bullseye of Rogerian psychotherapy.

When Evidence-Based Claims and Person-Centered Practices Collide

There is a kind of protocol, then, within a Rogerian approach, but it is important to contrast this with the kinds of protocols we see within “evidence-based practice (EBP)” therapy manuals. One model, which is an offshoot of CBT for which I received training, provides clinicians with a literal “intervention flow.” In the model, called the Common Elements Treatment Approach (CETA), clients experiencing “predominantly anxiety problems” should be treated by (1) Engagement/Encouraging Participation, (2) Psychoeducation, (3) Cognitive Coping, (4) Gradual Exposure: Memories and/or Live, and (5) Cognitive Reprocessing. This explicit ordering directs clinicians in how to provide the moment-to-moment therapy, and these intervention protocols correspond to semi-scripted guidance for the clinician to follow.

To the extent that the clinician diverges from this semi-scripted methodology, they are considered noncompliant with the model’s so-called “evidence-based” methodology. There are similar intervention flows to be utilized with clients who are predominantly experiencing depression symptoms and for those predominantly experiencing symptoms of both anxiety and trauma, for instance.

At the CETA training I participated in, we role played. It was a humorous experience for me and my therapist colleagues as we literally read through scripts and were then evaluated by the trainers on the basis of how we pieced together modular scripts—that is, on the basis of whether the flow of scripts we utilized matched well with the recommended treatment “flow” prescribed by the name-brand EBP treatment model. It felt artificial. It felt antithetical to a person-centered approach. That was a great example of the kind of collision I think many therapists are experiencing within managed care systems that are increasingly requiring fidelity to evidence-based practice models.

These sort of “evidence-based practice” therapies are clearly antithetical to intersubjective experiencing, the fundamental therapeutic factor in a person-centered approach. Imagine how much room a semi-scripted approach like CETA, with its prescribed intervention flow, leaves for personal choice, for client agency, and for intersubjective experience. Almost none.

Leaving Room for Clinical Expertise and Patient Values

In 2005, the American Psychological Association published their Report of the 2005 Presidential Task Force on Evidence-Based Practice. This report is frequently cited as a defense of evidence-based practice. I have heard many who defend the sort of approach that I am criticizing here cite this very report. I am a bit baffled by that when I read from the report myself, which provides this definition of EBP: “Evidence-based practice is the integration of best research evidence with clinical expertise and patient values.” Here lies the hope that EBP does provide space for clinical expertise and patient values. Hope, anyway.

The report also says “the use and misuse of evidence-based principles in the practice of health care has affected the dissemination of health care funds, but not always to the benefit of the patient.” It goes on: “Even guidelines that were clearly designed to educate rather than to legislate, were interdisciplinary in nature, and provided extensive empirical and clinical information did not always accurately translate the evidence they reviewed into the algorithms that determined the protocol for treatment under particular sets of circumstances.”

And, finally, I’ll share this third excerpt: “The goals of evidence-based practice initiatives to improve quality and cost-effectiveness and to enhance accountability are laudable and broadly supported within psychology, although empirical evidence of system-wide improvements following their implementation is still limited. However, the psychological community—including both scientists and practitioners—is concerned that evidence-based practice initiatives not be misused as a justification for inappropriately restricting access to care and choice of treatments.”

I really appreciate this APA report. They provide the cautions, caveats, and contours of getting it right—of the necessity of integrating clinical expertise and patient values. But unfortunately, what I’ve seen is that many times evidence-based practice initiatives are misused.

For those who would defend the promise within evidence-based practice research and implementation efforts, I would have a very difficult time doing anything else but agreeing with the ideals and the shining examples of EBP. My greatest concern is the way that the research on EBP is systematically used to promote scripted approaches that do not leave room for a person-centered approach. Misunderstandings about EBP have been translated into manualized practice and into public managed care contracts, which shapes the terrain of outpatient systems of care and, consequently, the types of therapeutic modalities that in actual fact are being practiced across the world. These contracts have power to reshape our field in really significant ways.

In December 2017, I attended the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference in Anaheim, California, which was attended by many psychotherapy pioneers, including Aaron Beck, the father of cognitive behavioral therapy. Interestingly, in a workshop of Beck’s, he expressed a lot of caution about some of the directions of CBT as a field in itself, and about some of the ways that managed care has misused some of the research findings. But I was utterly stunned by his statements during the Q&A portion of the workshop, when someone asked 96 year-old Aaron Beck what wisdom he might give to young therapists just entering the field. His response? “Read Carl Rogers.”

Unfortunately, many of the so-called evidence-based practice therapies we see in the market now do not leave sufficient space for the type of therapeutic relationship that is most therapeutically beneficial. Some agency settings will provide the space and bandwidth that are necessary to practice with fidelity to your own training, values, and the disciplines within the therapeutic relationship. If you are fortunate to practice in a setting that allows you such space—to practice at a level of integrity—then you are fortunate indeed. I must be careful to acknowledge that honing great skill in this practice requires a great deal of intention and discipline. Some settings simply will not provide the space and support necessary to develop the craft of a skillful person-centered approach. Therapists must evaluate their values and act accordingly.

Accurate Empathy in Action

I can remember that initially Karys was not too happy to sit with me during our weekly sessions. Having experienced a childhood of broken trust and sexual trauma, and after having bounced around between too many foster homes over too many years, she—an older middle schooler—was understandably reluctant to relax into my couch and lean into our relationship.

I administered a simple self-assessment that helped me learn whether Karys had any enjoyment of expressive activities such as writing stories, poetry, and song lyrics, sketching drawings, or sculpting clay. She indicated a particular interest in drawing.

As I maintained a collection of colored pencils and drawing paper in my office, I offered them to her, and, another common practice of mine, I showed her an array of different colored folders she could choose to keep her drawings in at my office, so they would be available to her each week. She was welcome to take any of her drawings home, but I asked that she allow me to make a copy of any piece she would be taking with her. If she did not wish for me to have a copy, I would honor her decision.

Every time that she came to see me, I had art paper and colored pencils waiting for her. I sat with her and attempted to get to know her and to work with her to help her organize her emotions into reflections and her reflections into meaning. All the while, she organized her troubles into sketch art. On one occasion, while telling me the story behind something she had drawn, she fell apart into tears. In the midst of that, she cursed so loudly that I could hear the footsteps on creaky hallway floors of a coworker come to discreetly check on things at my door.

Karys entered therapy oscillating between expressive anger, reflective sadness, and emotional distance. These matched her foster parents’ reports from home. During our first two months of therapy, I observed difficult interactions between Karys and her foster parents, especially highly defensive behaviors by her. In her first several sessions with me, she had seemed emotionally rigid. As time wore along, I began to experience Karys differently. She seemed, in the context of our conversations over her sketch art, to be appropriately vulnerable, emotionally pliable, and more deeply reflective. As I tentatively checked with her my understanding of the feelings she was beginning to express—through her art and verbally—”she seemed to be enlivened by the sheer honesty and authenticity of these encounters”. However, her parents’ reports to me were nearly unchanged; the Karys living at home remained stuck in an alternate dimension.

The difference, in my view, between the kind of expression and interaction that Karys experienced in therapy (eventually) versus the kind frequently experienced during the rest of her weeks was a difference of control. During the week—during the course of her life, for that matter—she felt little of it. There were a number of reasons this could be said to be true. Yet during our sessions, she had a great deal of control. And she liked that.

With her permission, I invited Karys’s foster parents, Boyd and Angie, to join us for three sessions, in which I set the tone with a few rules, designed to keep Boyd and Angie from utilizing our time to provide me information or to bring any other agenda into session. In short, Karys would guide us, with the caveat that, as the therapist, I would take some liberties in providing gently offered facilitation as I saw fit. My goal for my own facilitative efforts was, in essence, to model for Boyd and Angie the rhythm and rhyme, give and take of noticing and asking, along with tentatively checking my understanding of what Karys was communicating about her own thoughts, attitudes, and feelings. According to Karys, I often got it wrong. She boldly corrected me again and again, and I’d check again to make sure I understood as fully as possible. She sometimes expressed irritation when I was “being weird” or dense, yet she was generous in spirit, even still. I’d defend myself playfully.

We’d laugh.

I wondered if Boyd and Angie noticed the elegance of empathic exchange, yet out of conviction, I took care not to slip into a mode of teaching reliant on conveying insight in a way that might be perceived as patronizing. I trusted that their experience would generate a more powerful and sustaining insight. Some time later, Boyd asked to speak briefly with me after Karys had achieved her treatment goals and was discharged from care. He said, “It’s like the light in her has been turned brighter, and she’s opening up in a new way. She actually has begun talking to me about past abuses, just matter-of-factly, really…and what’s more, she’s been kidding around with us a lot more lately.” He also acknowledged, “It really is something, how when we shifted over to what you had modeled for us with Karys, we were able to better understand what she was experiencing. And how she seemed to be able to better understand, of us, the love we had been trying so hard to show. It’s as if we were a threat before. Now we’re getting somewhere.”

*****

Beyond their use in justifying health insurance reimbursement, terms like “pathology” and “disorder” are often untenable and, more importantly, unhelpful categorizations of a person’s experience. Treatment should be no more modular than the person. A wise mentor once contrasted for me the importance of conceptualizing effective psychotherapy as a process of “puzzling through a process with someone,” rather than the kind of rote application of skills characteristic of current forms of “evidence-based practice.”

To become increasingly flexible and resilient, clients must experience freedom within felt pushes and pulls of powerful forces in which problems maintain themselves. Therapists have skillful empathy to offer, and “empathy at its best has power to re-shape experience”. Once clients experience themselves feeling more understood in the therapeutic setting, they often experience themselves feeling more understood in life. Do not underestimate the value of feeling understood.

Accurate empathy is the heartbeat not only of Rogerian psychotherapy, but also of all modes of psychotherapy. Whatever specific model of intervention is being employed, if a therapist is not fully present as a warm, accepting, genuine, and caring person who is truly seeking to understand, then the power center of therapy remains turned off and, for all practical purposes, ineffective. Ultimately, a person-centered process—not a manualized technique—is the most essential active ingredient in therapy.

References

American Psychological Association, Presidential Task Force on Evidence-Based Practice. (2005). Report of the 2005 Presidential Task Force on Evidence-Based Practice. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/practice/resources/evidence/evidence-based-report.pdf

Beck, A., & Beck, J. (2017, December 16). New breakthroughs in cognitive therapy: Applications to the severely mentally ill, presented at Evolution of Psychotherapy conference, Anaheim, California, USA, December 13-17, 2017.

Merchant, L, Kirkland, C. & Ranna-Stewart, M. (2016, March 10-11). Common Elements Treatment Approach (CETA) Learning Collaborative training, Spokane, Washington, USA.

Rogers, C.R. (1942). Counseling and psychotherapy: Newer concepts in practice. The Riverside Press.

How an Anti-Tech Group Therapist Became a True Believer

Therapists’ offices have always intrigued me. Much like the artwork on the jackets of old vinyl records, they secure my memories with pleasing visual touchpoints. Pre-and post-session rituals marked my weekly appointments: stopping off at the same deli for a coffee, sitting on a park bench, browsing the poetry section in the corner bookstore; such places served as footholds for the different phases of my psychological awakening.

First Wave

After twenty-three years in my own cozy therapy office, it was time to say goodbye. The downtown institute that housed my practice went bust, and the landlord heaved dozens of veteran therapists out onto the cold winter streets of Manhattan.

As I packed up my books, rolled up my oriental rug and wall tapestry, and wrapped my Buddhist knick-knacks in newspaper, everything in my office took on meaning; the spider-cracks in the plaster ceiling that I had planned to paint, the well-worn grooves in the carpet from my trusty Aeron chair, the slight sag in the center of the couch that held so many stories.

I considered my attachment to my cozy therapy office as I closed the door behind me for the last time. Walking home that night, I realized that all my personal therapists and their offices were gone too. Soon after, the pandemic hit.

Second Wave

When New York City shut down, I thought that I had no choice but to shut down, too. As a group therapist, I couldn’t see how my groups could survive. Individual patients would have phone sessions—but therapy groups? Over the years, I had amassed ten weekly, ninety-minute groups, consisting of over 100 individuals. What would happen to them?

So I phoned a fellow group therapist and asked if she planned to shut down. She guffawed:

“Why on earth would I do that?”

“But how will your groups meet?”

“I moved them to Zoom.”

I paused and asked in all earnestness: “What’s a ‘Zoom?’”

When Worlds Collide

Could therapy exist without walls? Would I be able to sense unspoken feelings from patients from a flat two-dimensional image? Could a screen transmit subjective and objective countertransference, induced feelings, subtle body movements, and the endless emotional tics and hiccups that appear in face-to-face sessions? I bristled at the thought of moving my practice online. But the pandemic forced me to face a stark reality: evolve or face extinction.

When I told my group members that we were moving online, their reaction was mixed. The older patients responded with cranky disapproval.

“How could you degrade the group in this way?” one asked me.

“I share your concerns, Alan. Let’s give it a try and see how it goes.”

I left out that I had two college tuitions to pay, a home mortgage, elderly in-laws to support, insurance premiums, and countless other monthly expenses that the pandemic wasn’t shutting down. To my great relief, the younger people accepted the proposal enthusiastically. “What’s your URL?” they asked.

“I’ll get it to you soon,” I replied. I immediately searched “URL” on the internet and discovered that it meant “uniform resource locator.” What the hell was that?

Boomer to Zoomer

With the help of my teen daughters and a nine-year-old MacBook crammed full of family vacation photos, I learned the basics of Zoom and patched together a weekly schedule.

Next, I had to consider the background for my sessions. Visually, my home presented a minefield of challenges. Every wall and bookcase overflows with family pictures, children’s artwork, and cardboard boxes containing my old office and my daughters’ dorm rooms. So, I dragged an old film projector screen out of storage, erected it behind me, and turned on my computer video camera.

It was my first visit to my cyberspace office—me floating in a wall-less white space.

The big day finally arrived. I sat in front of my computer, took a deep breath, and logged on to Zoom. My anxiety kicked in, and I found myself forgetting nearly everything my daughters taught me. Messages like “Samantha is in the waiting room” popped up, and I clicked. One by one, group patients began to appear in their square “Brady Bunch” boxes.

“It’s so good to see everyone.”

“I missed group!”

“I’m glad we can still meet.”

I immediately pleaded for patience with my computer skills; the group members delighted in my vulnerability. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you through this.” Soon everyone was chatting and catching up like old friends.

To my surprise, the group was flowing—disjointedly, yes, but flowing. I discovered that many members were scattered throughout the country, unable to travel back to the city. One woman was participating from the Czech Republic, which wasn’t allowing flights in and out of the country. I marveled that online sessions make it possible for members to attend from nearly anywhere.

“Hey, where’s Steven?” a younger group member asked. “He never misses group.”

Steven, a grey-bearded father figure with a sunny disposition, was the oldest and longest-running group member. Anxieties about his health were being expressed when a message popped up: “Steven is in the waiting room.” I clicked on it quickly. I was getting good at that.

When Steven’s gaunt face appeared, group members gasped; his eyes were sunken, and his usually bright outlook was dimmed beyond recognition. He had COVID.

“I’m so…happy…to see you all,” Steven wheezed. As he related his journey from a mild cough to high fevers and the ER, the group hung on his every word. “I’m so scared, Stephen said, “I don’t want to die. Not now.”

Soon tears were flowing, and cyber hugs were being dished out. By the end of the session, Steven managed to smile again. “You guys…are a…miracle, ” he said as he gulped air, “This is the first time I felt hope since…this nightmare…began. Thank you. Thank…you all.”

As we signed off, another miracle occurred: I had become a true believer.

New Standards

After a few weeks, I could feel the online groups start to lose vitality. Immediacy, the beating heart of group, was waning. Instead of an exhilarating experience that challenged ingrained characterological traits and inspired emotional intimacy, the online groups devolved into lackluster support sessions. Members stopped relating to one another and were monologuing about themselves. Energy dwindled, attendance ebbed, and newer members dropped out.

My office was gone, and my groups would be, too, if I didn’t take action. To succeed in cyberspace, I had to reinvigorate my leadership skills and set new standards. I needed more energy, focus, and clarity.

I launched an entirely new set of pre-group rituals. Thirty minutes before every session, I set aside time to review each group members’ development. I reviewed their histories, revisited their goals, and considered new ways of challenging them. I even incorporated group members into my daily Buddhist practice. Every morning, I reviewed my groups, targeted each group’s member’s emotional growth in my daily meditation, and considered new ways to engage them.

I became determined, from the moment I signed onto Zoom, to hit the deck running. I pushed members to take more risks and focus. I scanned their faces constantly for any emotional shifts and evidence of unexpressed feelings. I confronted any signs of repression.

“Samantha, what was that thought?”

“Steven, you seem distracted.”

“Alan, can you put that frustrated look into words?”

No sooner had my groups slowly jump started to life than I realized that they were suffering from another problem: a loss of boundaries. Group members became voyeurs. During sessions, members gave tours of their homes and showed off their living spaces, partners, pets, or children. Such distractions ran wild and fueled resistance to relating. During the first few weeks, members also signed into the group while snuggling in bed, eating meals, feeding their dogs, smoking cigarettes, baking bread, or casually sipping a tumbler of whiskey.

One young woman greeted her group from her bathroom, fresh from a shower. As she towel-dried her hair, her bathrobe fell open, revealing her bare shoulders and the tops of her breasts. “Oops! Sorry!” she crooned as group members ogled her.

It was time to reassert boundaries. I firmly reminded everyone that the group rules applied online: no eating, no walking around, no texting. Anything that distracted from relating to one another was banned. I also instructed members to pick a spot in their homes and sit for the entire group, no more multitasking.

And finally, I requested that every member prepare for group by revisiting their intentions and considering the following three questions.

  • Why did I join the group?
  • What are my feelings toward my therapist and fellow group members?
  • What emotions am I holding back?

To my surprise, group members expressed relief. The reassertion of boundaries lowered everyone’s anxiety and quickly brought the relationships in the group back into play.

A Cure Through Love

As of this writing, it has been ten months since my groups began meeting online, and I’m delighted to report that they are bustling with new members. Yes, my cyberspace therapy office isn’t cozy, but I have learned that therapy isn’t about places—it’s about relationships. As long as relationships remain the central focus, therapy can thrive nearly anywhere.

Freud suggested that in essence, psychoanalysis is a cure through love. The pandemic continues to test my mettle as a psychotherapist but doesn’t quell my love of the work, a love that I’ve learned can transmit through a computer screen. Not only is love limitless—it’s officeless, too.
 

The Story is Everything

For many of us, our early experiences with language came through the stories read to us by our parents, caregivers, and teachers. Even nursery rhymes tell a story. This is important for therapists to understand because as language is acquired in the brain, it is inextricably paired with a narrative structure. Language is one of the primary mechanisms by which we understand our universe and process our various and continuing sensory experiences. All the sciences are our best attempts to create a story about the universe in which we live. We have observed that gravity pulls objects towards the center of the earth, so it makes sense to us when our phones fall out of our hands and smash on the ground by our feet. Were our phones, upon being dropped, to fly upward and into space, we would truly be disoriented. It is not random; there is an explanation for the phenomena we encounter, and that is the core function of story—it is everyone’s explanatory language.

Storytelling as an approach in and of itself dovetails quite nicely with such popular approaches as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Narrative Therapy, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), to name a few. Regarding DBT in particular, aside from its documented effectiveness, Dr. Marsha Linehan’s life story is intimately connected to how and why she developed the approach.

As you read, I’d like to tell you a story about some of my own thinking that went into this piece. I do not present myself as an expert on this subject, but rather as an excited student. My hope is that you find these concepts energizing and useful in sessions, and they increase your ability to help your clients deal and heal. The story I’m telling myself is that if you know I am writing with humility in my heart, even if any hubris shows up on the page, you’ll give me the benefit of the doubt. Ok (deep breath)…that felt good to write. I’m also telling myself that you will be very sick of the word “story” by the time this is over.

Understanding through Stories

We understand everything under the sun in more or less a linear fashion, proceeding in time from past to present, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. Most of our stories, real and imagined, are populated by heroes, villains, allies, and red herrings, and they follow fairly predictable rules in terms of plot development, character arcs, climaxes, and resolutions. There are exceptions in narrative form, of course, and many great works of art have played against the observer’s expectations. Think of Salvador Dali’s paintings, the films of David Lynch, or any number of time-travelling scenarios depicted in literature and film. Works of art without clear linear narratives are often stimulating, if confusing, because we are very accustomed to viewing things through this narrative lens. They challenge our ingrained perceptions of how things are supposed to play out.

Just as it is difficult to imagine watching a movie with no coherent plot, character arcs, or resolution approaching (I’m looking at you, Lynch), imagine living your own life under similar conditions. This is to imagine a life without progress, goals, structure, or narrative cohesion. Many of our clients come to us in this state, whether it is recognized as such or not. It is common for clients who have experienced trauma, for instance, to show up in session with a fragmented narrative, reflecting perhaps not only literal missing information but also an unconscious belief that the universe itself is chaotic and unpredictable. They are not quite sure how or why the traumatic event happened, or how to prevent it from happening again. These narratives can contribute to feelings of fear and powerlessness. It is also common for trauma survivors to show up in session with a finely crafted, fixed narrative—one that puts themselves in the position of blame. These stories can contribute to feelings of shame and resignation.

One of the great strengths of approaches like CBT, DBT, Narrative Therapy, and EMDR is that they compel us to admit that there are several ways to look at any one event in our lives, even if they achieve this feat through differing approaches. Fortunately, we have been doing that on our own for millennia, well before these approaches existed. These disciplines discovered something new about humanity while tapping into something very old within us. We can help our clients access this endless reservoir and capacity for reflection when life presents with challenging events. This is one of humanity’s true superpowers—deciding how we see something.

Viktor Frankl understood this well as he developed logotherapy, which is focused on making meaning in life. Meaning springs forth from narrative. In Dr. Frankl’s case, his ability to make meaning helped him to endure the Holocaust rather than give in to despair. He had a reason to live, and this gave him purpose. Part of that purpose included telling the stories of those who perished in the concentration camps. The crafting of a compelling story was central to Frankl’s own survival and success after the war. He was not tinkering with his thoughts myopically; he was looking at the grand, sweeping current of his entire life. His frame was large, not small.

Our work with clients must include helping them to shape a coherent narrative that promotes health and mastery within their lives, and it must by necessity also keep the large arcs of their lives in mind, even as we address the smaller phenomena of their daily experience. If my client gets mugged on the street, is the story built around how they should never walk down that street again, or is it built around how they should study martial arts after that event? Will this story close possibilities or open them? When a loved one passes away, do the loved ones construct their story around the missed opportunities or the wonderful times that were experienced with that person? Does this narrative focus on what is missing or what was present? If my client is rejected by a potential partner, does it mean they are unlovable…or is the other person missing out? Does the story provoke a shame response or result in ego integrity? It is not difficult to see how certain narratives tend to arrive at certain conclusions, and those conclusions are accompanied by a series of decisions and behaviors that will have very real impacts on any person’s life. Using a storytelling approach in therapy considers that a narrative must be crafted, or in many cases altered, before a person’s outward reality can be improved.

Anticipating Resistance

Anecdotally, I have encountered some resistance in my clients to the rubber-meets-the-road work of CBT: identifying negative cognitions and self-limiting beliefs and building awareness of when those thoughts show up, so they can actively replace them and practice thinking in new ways. Once I had experienced the work as a client myself, I understood…it just seemed small. When we are dealing with powerful internal and external realities that are shaping our lives, it can feel somewhat uninspired to be examining the tiny and ethereal thoughts that flit through our minds like innumerable hummingbirds through the hedgerows. It can be hard to even catch one sometimes. A similar resistance can arise when attempting to utilize narrative therapy techniques with clients; it is not necessarily evident or intuitive to everyone that changing one’s story can result in the reduction of suffering. We must be able to demonstrate and then apply this concept to their real lives.

Before this resistance shows up, we can utilize the power of human storytelling by doing some simple psychoeducation, encouragement, and proactive framing. When conducting our intakes and assessments, we can already begin to introduce elements of storytelling and narrative structures with our clients. This could be as simple as saying “I am very interested to hear your life story,” or “Tell me about how your journey brought you into this office.” Such statements are already starting to prompt the client to see life through a narrative lens, which means that there will be a story with some coherence no matter who walks in the door. This gets them thinking about when the problems started, the times before there was a problem, and how their behaviors or choices have changed in relation to or because of the problem. It gets them thinking about other things besides the problem, such as their joys, their successes, the love they have had in their lives. Because all of that is part of the story.

We must have a story to understand our relative universes. In terms of what we find helpful as a species, this tendency in us predates the field of psychology by tens of thousands of years. The field of psychology is the quaking autumn leaf in the aspen grove that is human storytelling. Before we developed symbols to write and record language, the only way human beings passed on any intergenerational information was via storytelling. People are good at this, and it has been working to soothe primate psyches for, well, a long time.

Encouraging Storytelling

There is a truth that I have naturally come to understand myself: For better or worse, in the absence of a coherent, explanatory narrative, the average person will craft one.

We know there is going to be a story. I see storytelling and meaning-making as powerful tools in facing whatever the malady may be. I want clients to understand it is in their DNA to create and interpret stories, so we are accessing an inherent human strength immediately. Most people show up to therapy as strong storytellers, and we are doing incredible clinical work if we slow down enough to hear the story…to listen to the themes, to identify the allies, the mentors, the heroes, and, more often than we would like, the villains.

If you are with me so far, then you have heard three main ideas by now. The first is that we understand the known universe through stories. Science is a story. The universe is composed of planets and stars made up of various elements that sit all together in a big stew we are all in, and a part of. That is comforting, right? It sure beats my saying “Nobody has any idea about anything.” The second is that there are any number of stories a person can tell about one singular event. A past tragedy can be the reason a person is struggling now, or it can be the source of their strength. The third is that people will create stories to explain their experiences, even if those stories are inaccurate or damaging. Trauma survivors will often blame themselves for incurring the trauma, even if the outside observer can plainly see that they bore no fault. In the absence of a coherent explanation, we will certainly craft any explanation so as not to be left in the emotional purgatory of narrative nihilism.

Accessing Imagination

It has taken me many years to even begin to understand the role that our imaginations can play in relation to our experience of suffering or thriving. I think Mark Twain may have captured this best when he said, “I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

Most of us can easily recognize the absurd validity of this statement; so much of what torments us is generated in our imaginations. We are somewhat prone to believe in the more negative aspects of our imaginations and discredit some of the more positive aspects. People ruminating on worries often believe they need to do this to be ready or prepared for a bad outcome. The same person may feel incredulous if you ask them to visualize positive outcomes, even though this is fundamentally the same exercise in reverse. Some of this is adaptive; we need to be prepared for threatening or uncertain outcomes, whereas we do not always need to prepare for positive outcomes. If it’s going to rain, I’ll need to bring a raincoat. If it’s going to be sunny, I don’t really need to do much ahead of time. Our prefrontal cortexes are always running simulations for us so that we have good information available when we need to make decisions. We are evolved to give our perceived problems more real estate in the grey matter.

To communicate the power of imagination to clients, there is a simple way to have them practice calling on this resource to produce very short-term, minor distress or calming properties and regulation. With their permission, and for clients who can tolerate some distress, we can have them visualize the last time they got into an argument or a conflict and report the sensations they feel in their body. Unsurprisingly, they tend to report feeling their heart beats faster, maybe getting hot, and feeling tension in their chest, neck, or back. All they did was imagine something, and then physiological changes showed up. Next, we can ask them to take a couple of deep breaths, settle into the chair, and describe their favorite place on earth in detail. Usually, they report feeling calm and pleasant at the thought, with more or less an associated reversal of those physiological changes. Doing these exercises together in this way helps to illustrate that, depending on how we employ and deploy them, our imaginations are quite effective at both increasing and decreasing our suffering. Having had the visceral experience, it becomes easier for clients to integrate the idea that our imaginations can be harnessed for positive outcomes that support their goals. We can use our imaginations to reduce our distress and create powerful emotional connections to the imagined lives we have for ourselves.

I have more than once pointed out to clients that they seem to have no reservations about using their imaginations to be miserable, but they seem hesitant to use them for joy. I communicate my curiosity about why they have come to believe in this one-sided relationship. This can help to motivate clients who sometimes believe that positive thinking or visualization is somehow naïve or unrealistic. We know intuitively that people feel better when they believe they did the best they could (control, finality, resolution) when compared with thinking that they should have done more (overwhelmed, unresolved). The vast difference in these two mental postures, and eventual behavioral outcomes, comes down to how they are imagining themselves in that situation.

A Brief Case Study

Martin (not his real name) was a 37-year-old man who came to counseling to grieve over his mother’s death and address powerful feelings of shame and anger, and what he termed a “budding alcoholism.” Martin was highly intelligent and sensitive to those around him. He had grown up in a family full of addiction, conflict, broken trust, and insecurity. He was grappling with the legacy of his mother, who was both very dear to him and alternatively a source of great pain.

Martin’s story was that he had come from poor genetic source material, as evidenced by his family’s struggles with addiction and the broken home to which he was accustomed. Martin believed he was destined to be an angry alcoholic, like a few people in his family. We discussed much of the arc of his life, from early memories to current events. He could easily recall that when he was a child, he still believed in himself. He was able to recognize that as a teenager, this confidence began to slip, and as he accumulated the large and small traumas of adolescence, the story he told himself began to change. He began to lower his expectations of himself as his awareness of his family’s dysfunction became clear. As the story changed, so did his behavior in the world. He began to skip school more often, which resulted in his grades suffering. His parents’ addictions further alienated him from them, despite his attempts to stay in relationship with them. He was physically abused at times.

When Martin came in, he believed he was no good, and that just by having born into the family he was, he had no chance of happiness or success. A large part of our work involved rewriting his story and bringing his adult life experience and perspective to bear on his upbringing. Ten-year-old Martin had a very hard time understanding why his parents were unreliable and alternatively loving or abusive. In many ways he blamed himself, crafting a very damaging narrative for himself in the absence of a more obvious one…one that the older Martin could grow to see. The grown version of Martin spent significant time in sessions contextualizing his experience, taking numerous incidents from his past and processing them. I would ask him things like, “What if that ten-year-old kid was your nephew? Would you blame him for the dysfunction of his parents?”

Like so many of our clients do, he was able to conclude that kids aren’t responsible for what their parents do. His work then became about telling versions of his origin story that incorporated his present insights. He started to believe that despite his suffering, he had done the best he could, and his tumultuous upbringing became a source of connection with others. He was capable of a very deep level of empathy based on his experiences, and his peers sensed and valued this. He also desired connection with people; having been deprived of it for much of his life, he was a ready and willing friend to most. The difficulty of his early life had instilled these qualities, and hard-won as they were, he came to appreciate them.

What Does It All Mean?

It is important to help our clients from the very beginning of therapy to craft meaningful stories that assist them in regaining control or that foster some sort of learning, and therefore adaptive behavior. In Martin’s case, the story he ultimately crafted was that his difficult upbringing had helped him develop into a better human being in relation to others. He could have easily landed on any number of conclusions that would have fostered healing in him. There are in fact innumerable adaptive options to almost any problem. Adaptive learning weaves in with healthy changes and progressions in narrative quite beautifully, and this can all occur when our clients understand what conditions were present and how sequences of events in their lives have played out. I am fond of diagramming aspects of any story or event with clients, as once an event is thoroughly examined, numerous opportunities for learning and growth present themselves organically. Anything with a beginning, middle, and end can be comprehended. Patterns can be interrupted, future mistakes can be avoided, future opportunities can be seized.

EMDR makes great efforts in the direction of making sure the client lands on a healthy story, which is healing in and of itself. It is critical that clients actually change their beliefs (story) about how the trauma happened and what it means for them to successfully reprocess it. We can wave the wand around all we want, but if the client still thinks “I am unlovable” at the end of the session, not much healing is going to take place. We simply must get to “I am lovable,” and other positive cognitions ad infinitum.

Conversely, we need to be vigilant and cautious to not overinterpret our clients’ narratives or inject too much of our thinking and biases into that process. This can be a very fine line indeed. Our desire to help can become its own blind spot, and managing our own countertransference is critical to fostering positive narrative outcomes in therapy. Clients do not need to overcome our traumas as clinicians, nor do they need to satisfy our own narrative expectations. I really like my own ideas, but they may not be the best for my client. I will often ask how my clients come to the conclusions that they do, and inevitably, the answer comes back in story form. This provides a wonderful opportunity for strengthening therapeutic alliance, as we acknowledge and validate the client’s experience. Our empathy for our own clients is deepened as we encounter more and more of their story. We can understand how a person who experienced x can easily end up believing y and, significantly, engaging in behavior z as a result. This also provides ample opportunity to put those CBT and/or Narrative Therapy caps back on and start to draw connections between the clients’ thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and decisions.

For example, I might say to a client, “I’ve noticed that every time you think [x], you tend to feel [y], and then you often go and [z] to try and get some relief. From where I’m sitting, I am wondering about what if you decided to think about [a], and then feel [b], which would likely lead you to go do [c]. People mostly come in because of their [z]’s and [c]’s, so it’s important to make sure those are good.”

Or, “Ok, so the story is you can’t walk down that street anymore. Some people would conclude they should study martial arts, or that walking down the street on Tuesday is the real problem, or that they should only go if they are with friends. Tell me more.”

I am putting the client in a position to give external voice to their internal reality, where we can examine it together in a safe and supportive way. I’ve also not-so-sneakily thrown in the possibility that there could be several ways to interpret whatever they are about to tell me, which might prompt some reflection prior to the tale’s coming out.

Bringing it Home

What’s really exciting about utilizing a storytelling approach in therapy is at least partially that it is easy, and it works. Personally, I find the following question to be layered and motivating: What story do I want to tell about my life?

It really should not be too hard for us to help anyone become interested in the story of their own lives. The complexity captured in that question is unmistakable, but it is also imminently attainable. Because we humans are all good at stories, therapists have a natural, inherent strength to draw on from the first minute of the first session. People are desperate and willing to rewrite their stories; they are positively crying out for it. As one of the oldest known mediums for communication that we have, story is beautifully layered with significance, feeling, and memory. It is infinite in the sense that there is no limit to how many ways it can be interpreted or integrated…even if it has a grand finale, as all our stories do.

I believe therapists do exceedingly well in how they continually draw out their clients’ stories, week after week. Where I aim to orient the reader is this: perhaps we should not think of storytelling as a smaller intervention to use in the course of CBT, or Narrative Therapy, EMDR, and DBT. Rather, we should think of those disciplines as interventions to use during the course of storytelling.
 

Working Towards Therapeutic Solutions with Men

In my experience, men typically and stereotypically really don’t like opening up about their feelings and prefer not to admit there’s a problem in the first place. So how to help get them into therapy becomes a compelling challenge.

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Many years ago, I read a report that found that one in three of the young men polled within it would rather smash things up than talk about their feelings. It was a tad extreme, I thought, but there you go. Thankfully, things have moved on a bit since then. However, men are still reticent. For instance, it turns out that they would rather talk to their barber about their problems than talk to their doctor, which is why the Lions Barber Collective exists. An international organisation that recognises the unique bond formed between a man and the bloke who clips his hair, it trains members up as mental health first aiders. Not only do they listen to the guys who sit in their chairs, but they can also spot the early warning signs of a developing mental health condition and then point them in the right direction for help. This usually means a psychotherapist. Which means we are back to talking about feelings. Which, as we know, men are not wont to do.

The problem is complex. But a big part of it is that talking about their feelings is still seen as a sign of weakness among many men. And despite the prevalence of metrosexual men in our media, the strong and silent male myth still pervades. Also, when men do talk, because of said stereotypes, what is more than likely depression can often be written off as a “bit of a low mood” instead.

Another problem, to my mind at least, is that when a man who doesn’t like talking about his feelings goes looking for a therapist, he goes looking online. And practically every single therapist’s opening statement will say something along the lines of “I offer a safe and non-judgemental space in which to explore your feelings.”

Egad!, as the exclamation goes. Are you trying to scare them away? Do you want men to come to see you for help? And, if you do, how do you reel them in? (Big hint: male-orientated metaphors help.) Enter then, any form of solution-oriented therapy.

I’m a rational emotive behaviour therapist (REBT) and have found that as a form of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), its philosophy and structure are easily explained and understood. As an active and directive approach, it offers me a way of being actively involved in the therapeutic process rather than sitting back and offering a safe space in which my client can talk whilst I sit passively by. As a form of solution-oriented therapy, I can even discuss SMART goals from the outset. And, before it starts exploring all the emotional consequences of a person’s dysfunctional beliefs, REBT can challenge them empirically, logically, and pragmatically.

I explain REBT to prospective clients in a very matter-of-fact way. My webpage is plain and straightforward. It attracts a large proportion of potential clients (including men) who want their therapy delivered in a similar style. This has been very helpful to anybody who is nervous about, or unable to, talk about their feelings.

Many years ago, a highly anxious man was brought to my clinic. In fact, he was so anxious that he was having a panic attack in the waiting room and was breathing deeply and slowly into a brown paper bag. It wasn’t having much effect, and it was clear his anxiety was not going to go away any time soon. I brought him into my clinic room anyway.

“Would it help if you just sat there breathing into the bag while I explain what this therapy is all about?” I asked.

He nodded. And so I discussed both REBT and the ABCDE model of psychological health, as well as the roles played by dysfunctional and functional belief systems. After a while, I simply asked him if he had noticed anything. He nodded slowly.

“What have you noticed?” I asked.

“I’ve stopped panicking,” he said.

I asked him why that was.

“Because I can see a way out,” he replied. “I’ve not been able to see one before.”

Fast forward a few years to a man who came to see me for psychosexual dysfunction, a tricky subject at the best of times. In my initial telephone consultation, before I engaged with him for therapy, this man described himself as a typical alpha male type who didn’t like all that touchy-feely stuff. He’d been living with his particular form of anxiety for over five years, hadn’t had any form of sexual contact with his wife for over three years, and was only speaking to me because his wife had delivered him an ultimatum. He’d had several courses of therapy already, including sessions with a sex specialist.

“I didn’t like it,” he said. “They were all sympathetic, but I wasn’t looking for sympathy. And they were all trying to get me to open up about my feelings, but I either couldn’t or didn’t want to.”

“So, what’s going to be different this time?” I asked.

“I really liked your website,” he said. “It was very direct. I know I will have to speak about how I feel at some point, but there’s a format there that appeals to me.”

Studies have shown that men aren’t averse to therapy per se, but they are averse to therapy that is loose, conversational, and exploratory. One study found that the best treatment styles for engaging the menfolk were, “collaborative, transparent, action-orientated, goal-focused” (Seidler, 2018).

When delivered in the correct way, I have been able to encourage men to talk about their feelings. I haven’t had to get all stoic and blokey myself, I just have to explain myself in a clear and concise way, preferably without mentioning either safe spaces or feelings. In my experience, if a man phones me up for therapy and I ask him what his goal is, he will usually commit to the process. And together, we venture forward on a journey of change

References

Seidler, Z. E., Rice, S. M., Ogrodniczuk, J. S., Oliffe, J. L., & Dhillon, H. M. (2018). Engaging Men in Psychological Treatment: A Scoping Review. American journal of men's health, 12(6), 1882–1900. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988318792157 

Some Thoughts on What Makes A Relationship Successful

It’s distressing when a patient tells me that they have never observed nor experienced what they would define as a successful romantic relationship. Statements like “Maybe good relationships just don't exist” or “No one in my family ever had a good relationship” usually follow. Many of my patients enter psychotherapy because of relationship-based difficulties, and some of them eventually feel that they are doomed to continuously have trouble or fail in their efforts to enjoy a successful romantic partnership.

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I am often told by clearly disheartened patients that the trajectory of their romantic lives has been downhill. Frustrations and disappointments are said to develop as early as a few years, sometimes even a few months—after the honeymoon ends and “normal life” resumes. One patient told me that he and his wife suffered from the marital equivalent of a “postpartum depression that never ended.” Frequently, to comfort themselves, they suggest that this downward trajectory is “standard,” “everyone's experience.” These assertions, I fear, while primarily designed to self-soothe, also seem to firm up the belief that any long-term romantic relationship is likely to be a doomed enterprise. When I comment that while relationships may change over time, that change does not necessarily imply that a relationship turns from positive to negative, or when I mention that some relationships have been known to deepen and improve with age, some patients look at me in disbelief.

Through my work, I have had the satisfaction of seeing positive outcomes when two people work hard at relationship self-improvement. This enables me to work with a perspective and a conviction about what may be possible that patients in distress—especially in the beginning of the therapeutic process—often lack.

The following are some of the ingredients that I believe help to make and sustain a positive and successful romantic partnership, and that I have sampled in my clinical work.

Handling anger and avoiding arguments: One of the major problems with anger and the arguments that result is that neither partner does much, if anything, to avoid them. Perhaps motivated by the need to prevail or be “right” about the conflict-arousing issue, one or the other person in the couple “takes the bait” and gets hooked into an argument that could have been avoided if one of them had seen to it that the conversation—however emotionally-charged—had remained conversational or been postponed until calm was restored. This is not always easy, but certainly possible.

Listening to each other: Couples in conflict often are so busy preparing their indictment of the other person or their defense of themselves that they simply do not listen and hear what is being said. Thus, their responses are often not responses at all, but their next statement—perhaps entirely unrelated to what was just said to them. This is one of the main reasons, I believe, why too many couples recycle the same issues and arguments over and over and rarely if ever feel as though any conversation (or “attack and defend” exchange) accomplishes anything. Couples often need help to learn to listen to each other so that the dynamic between them changes to one that is productive. That is the goal of good therapy to which I aspire in my couples work.

Saying “I'm sorry”: I continue to be amazed at how difficult this is for so many of the people with whom I have worked both in and out of romantic partnerships. I often hear statements like “I know it's the right thing to do, and I feel sorry…I just can't say it!” Such responses suggest the likelihood that the person might feel “weak” or “defeated” if they publicly acknowledge their sorrow or regret.

Expressing Gratitude: When partners in a couple feel and express their gratitude or appreciation for each other, each of them feels cherished and valued, and it enhances the relationship. Expressions of appreciation do not have to be confined to major gestures or actions. “Thank you, honey, for feeding the dog” or “I really appreciate your picking up my prescription” can be just as meaningful as a thank you for a monumental gift or kindness.

Changing: By this I am referring to what might be considered the “little things” that become big when they persist over time. These are the kinds of changes that, with some effort, might be easy to accomplish with far greater dividends than the investment required to achieve them. If a wife tells her husband, for example, that she really appreciates getting a greeting card on her birthday and her anniversary, I am bewildered by the husband’s seeming refusal to gratify her, regardless of whether it means anything to him. If a husband informs his wife that he would not like to be interrupted by phone calls during his gym workout unless there is an emergency, I am similarly bewildered by her not cooperating and calling about nonessential matters during that time. When people feel ignored or, worse, devalued by their partners, resentments develop that can become toxic to the relationship.

Treating each other as special: A wife with whom I worked complained that upon leaving a party, her husband helped every other woman guest with her coat—except her. When she questioned him about this, his reply was “Well, that's because you're my wife!” Her response: “That's the point!” That she felt taken for granted was not surprising. Moments like this may be insignificant if they are infrequent, but if they typify an attitude or are common in the relationship, they have the potential to cause diminished regard and affection for the offending partner.

Hurting with words: The damage potential of comments made in the heat of battle is extremely high. There is a tendency on the part of the offending partner to dismiss or trivialize those remarks afterwards. Saying “I didn't really mean it, I was just angry,” often makes things worse, especially if there is no sincere apology attached. Words can cause wounds and may not easily heal when calm is restored. They are often referenced when a subsequent argument occurs, i.e. “I'll never forget the time you told me to ‘drop dead.’”

***


In my work with couples, these are but a few of what I consider to be “ingredients” of a successful romantic relationship—aspirational for some couples, attainable for others, and sadly out of reach for still others. I have worked most successfully when some or all of these ingredients have been utilized by both partners and when they remember that the person with whom they are having conflict may be the very person whom they love the most, and who loves them similarly.
 

The Therapist and the Marriage

A Marriage Fable

One bright morning, as the therapist was sitting by his window watching the clouds, in walked a marriage. It had one body with two heads. This was not the first marriage the therapist had seen, as he had been working at his craft for some time and had met many marriages with many different forms.

“Hello,” he greeted the marriage, inviting it to sit, watching as it shifted in its seat, straining to get comfortable. “What brings you in?”

One of the marriage’s heads mumbled under its breath, sighed, and then the other one began to talk. Moments later, the marriage became distraught, each head trying to speak over the other.

The therapist reminded himself that these marriages will devour anyone who tries to fix them or tell them what to do. They are sensitive in that way.

Each of the heads began to blame the other, asking how they could get the other to change, declaring what the other did wrong… As it argued with itself, the marriage kept growing and growing, beginning to press against the therapist.

The therapist wanted to push the marriage away, tell it to stop. But he knew that doing so would only make it grow larger, and that he would then be lost forever.

He anchored himself to his own thoughts, to his curiosities about the marriage, and raising his inquisitive pen, said, “I have a question.”

The marriage shrank slightly at the sound of his voice, allowing him to take a deep breath. He recalled everything he knew about the origins and histories of marriages, and he focused on it.

“Was there ever a time,” he asked one of the heads, “when you had your own body?”

The other head jumped in immediately and started to speak, and the marriage started to grow again. But the therapist spoke up, “Actually, I was speaking to this head, and would like to hear what they have to say.”

As the one head began to talk, the marriage shrank again, further this time. Then the therapist spoke to the other head. And as the therapist addressed each head, one at a time, the marriage began to shrink, until it was smaller than the form with which it entered. As the therapist stood, the marriage noticed for the first time since the day it was born that it had two bodies as well as two heads.

“Well,” said the therapist, “it was nice to meet you.” He brushed off some of the dust that had fallen from where the marriage had earlier scraped against the ceiling.

“Goodbye,” said the marriage, “Goodbye.” And, noticing its separateness, the marriage felt closer and more open than it had ever been.

The therapist smiled and went to write down his latest encounter with a marriage.

A Bowenian Paradox

In the emotional closeness of marriage, the two partial “selfs” fuse into a common “self.”
 Kerr & Bowen, 1988, p.473

A marriage with one body and two heads is a marriage where each person has lost “self” to the relationship.

But what is self? Let’s begin by saying what it’s not. It is not rugged individualism, nor is it isolation or being an island; it is not denying connections to others or to one’s environment, nor is it selfishness. The idea of “self” has more to do with the ability to stay in your own skin while being connected to important others. None of us are as good or adept at this as we think we are. We all fall prey to relationship pressures, which are ever-present and in constant operation. When confronted with the pressures and tensions inherent in all relationships, we tend to react in automatic ways to alleviate those very pressures and tensions. The irony is that those automatic reactions serve as fuel that helps drive the pressures they are attempting to relieve.

So the problem is that the things we do to relieve relationship tensions often exacerbate them. This happens because our automatic reactions emerge from the instinctual part of us, with little to no clear thinking attached to them. Those reactions are driven by emotions and feelings. In fact, much of the time we will tell ourselves we are thinking clearly, when in actuality we are thinking the thoughts our emotions and feelings suggest. In other words, it is often our emotions and feelings that drive and guide our thinking, rather than our thinking governing our emotions and feelings. When we react emotionally, guided by feeling, it tends to add to the relationship pressures to which others are equally reactive. Both people end up reacting to the pressures and tensions each helps to create. The more intimate the relationship, the more potential for intensity to increase and stimulate our reactivity. This happens because human relationships are reciprocal; each person contributes to what happens, as each person influences and is influenced by others.

The degree of our reactivity is connected to the degree to which we are able to be a self in relationship. The less defined we are as a self, the more reactive we tend to be. The more defined we are as a self, the less reactive and more thoughtful we can be.

Being a self in a relationship has little to do with what you say, i.e. communication, and has a lot to do with your ability to separate your clear and principled thinking from thinking clouded and governed by the emotionality of the moment. The ability to be a self will be communicated by what you do, not what you say. If you can work on being clear, calm, and thoughtful in the intensities of a relationship, the other person will respond to that. Reciprocity works in both directions; it can work to increase tensions, or it can work to calm things down.

The less defined we are as a self, the more of ourselves we trade in relationship to others. Borrowing and trading of self is a way people adapt to each other to reduce anxiety. In a marriage, people tend to be in relationship to those of the same emotional maturity, and so each has about the same amount of self to give up to the relationship. That giving-up, however, is not a thoughtful and principled support of the other, but is, rather, a reactive attempt to mitigate the anxiety generated by relationship pressures and tensions. That giving-up is automatic and reactive. This is not to say that people do not thoughtfully support their spouse in certain ways, but that much of what we do in relationships is more automatic and driven more by our reactions to perceived pressures than we think.

This is how a marriage can become a monster with one body and two heads. It happens slowly over time, as two people give up more and more self to the relationship through their automatic reactions, which begin as attempts to stabilize the relationship tensions and manage their own anxiety. This process can begin with people in radiant love and end with people feeling war-torn and distant. This has less to do with whether the marriage is “the right one” or whether it’s “good or bad,” and more to do with how each person has managed the tensions and anxiety that are present in the relationship. The more of the self that people give up in reactive ways to the relationship, the less flexible and adaptable they will be, and the more rigid and inflexible the relationship will become.

People are drawn to the comfort, support, and affection of intimate relationships. The desire for closeness pulls us together. That togetherness can be the source of both satisfaction and anxiety. We desire closeness and togetherness with others but can be allergic to too much of it.

For instance, in the beginning of the marriage, one spouse was viewed by the other as a good listener, but over time, that “listening” becomes viewed by the other as passivity, and the “listener” begins to be pressured to talk, to say something, anything. Perhaps they will be accused of never having an opinion. What the “listener” does not realize is that a large part of their listening was emotional distance they employed to manage their own anxiety over the relationship intensity. What the “talker” does not realize is that their intensity had more to do with the off-loading of anxiety than about thoughtful sharing with the other. In the beginning, this off-loading of anxiety, and the listener’s passively distancing from it, managed the intensity of the relationship. It was the desire for closeness in the relationship that enabled the pattern to be successful for the length of time it was. Thank goodness it happens that way, or we might never enter into marriages. Over time, however, the initial pattern becomes less effective. Neither partner has an awareness of this deeper emotional process of off-loading and distance. What drew them toward a comfortable togetherness in the beginning, now pushes them apart.

This couple will often come to therapy each believing the other is the problem. One thinks the other is passive, while the one labeled “passive” believes the other is too “intense” and needs to calm down.

The reality is that each person is overly sensitive to the emotional state of the other and is reacting to the pressures of the relationship by automatically focusing more on the other. Under stress and pressure, our focus shifts toward others because we are threat-assessing creatures. This can be useful if it is used to plan and adapt to difficulty. It becomes problematic when our thoughtfulness is overrun by our emotions. It loses its adaptive quality and will inevitably exacerbate the issue that makes us anxious. When we react automatically to relieve the anxiety of the moment, we further entrench ourselves in problematic patterns.

In the example above, each partner reacted to relationship pressures by off-loading on one side, and distancing on the other. Initially this process managed the anxiety, but over time it added to the degree of anxiety in the relationship.

A marriage with one body and two heads is an instinctual creature, tuned in to threat, and ready to react by fighting, running, or becoming static. Each person has become absorbed in their reactivity to the other, and neither is doing any clear thinking for self. Because the marriage has two heads, each person believes they are thinking clearly, but they do not realize the degree to which they are bound-up and fused emotionally as one body.

“Fixing” a Marriage

As a therapist, you cannot do surgery. It is not your job to try to pull each person back into their own body. That attempt will surely end up in the marriage’s absorbing you. Nor does improving communication fix the issue; rather, this enables two heads to talk about their one body more efficiently without anything changing.

So what can you do? I believe that question begins with thinking differently about who is in your office. When you are sitting with a marriage, are you finding yourself siding with one spouse over another? Do you see the “problem” as being isolated within one individual? If so, you are thinking in a cause-and-effect framework and not in terms of reciprocity. Cause-and-effect thinking will inevitably lead a therapist to the position of “fixing” a marriage. At best, a cause-and-effect framework keeps the therapist focused on behavioral dynamics. But helping people shift their behavior or dynamics doesn’t address the emotional process underlying a relationship issue. When the therapist is bound up in cause-and-effect approaches, the end result will always be an involvement in the dynamics the therapist is trying to help the couple shift.

Thinking reciprocally means leaving cause-and-effect behind when it comes to relationships. Reciprocal thinking means seeing the mutual influence of the relationship; that each person contributes to the creation of a relationship atmosphere to which both respond or react. This isn’t just about behavior. Behaviors are only markers of a person’s degree of self. Behaviors point to an underlying emotional process. That emotional process is not isolated within the individual, it is alive in the interactions between people. We are born into a multigenerational emotional process, and each time we enter a relationship, we carry that inheritance with us as we attempt to define ourselves in that relationship. Our inheritance determines the baseline of our ability to define a self in those relationships.

Thinking in terms of reciprocity is a broad-view perspective in which the therapist is focused on the interactions between people rather than what occurs within an isolated mind.

From that perspective, a therapist can ask questions about the interactions, helping people to think about what they are doing rather than to react to the emotions generated by the other. Getting people to think about their contribution to the reciprocity in a relationship is perhaps the most important step toward making a deep and lasting functional shift in that relationship. That shift however comes from observing, focusing on, and managing one’s self, not the other. Helping people think reciprocally presents the idea that improving a relationship comes from improving one’s own functioning in that relationship, regardless of the other. If one person in the relationship takes on the challenge of defining their self more thoughtfully, they will begin the process of separating themselves emotionally from the fusion in the relationship. That definition is not emotional distance, nor is it selfishness. It allows one person to be more thoughtful about what they do in that relationship. In fact, a marriage with two heads and two bodies means each person is thinking and acting for self in ways that improve and grow the relationship. That marriage will be more open, flexible, and equal, each person free to be themselves and bring their thoughts and feelings to the other.

In order to help people think reciprocally, the therapist must maintain a broad view of whomever is sitting with them. If the therapist can maintain that perspective and focus on reciprocity, they will be of more use to their clients. From that position, the therapist is less likely to get caught up in the emotional dynamics of the relationships that walk into their office and will have a greater freedom and openness in their position to ask questions that help others think about their part in the relationships that make up their life.

Working on self is an idea that translates to all relationships. Just as working on the marriage means working on one’s own part, being effective therapeutically increases with the ability of the therapist to manage themselves.

References

Kerr, M. & Bowen, M. (1988). Family Evaluation. NY: W. W. Norton & Co.  

Anastasia Piatakhina Giré on Teletherapy, Borders and Building Bridges

In Different Tongues

Lawrence Rubin: When I first contacted you to schedule this chat, you had said that you needed a little time to wind down after your therapy session, which I completely understood. But you just now told me that your previous session was in Italian, and now you're speaking with me in English. It’s more than winding down, it’s completely shifting gears, so to speak. What is that like for you inside?
Anastasia Piatakhina Giré: I also had a quick chat with my daughter in between in French. I’ve gotten used to it, but it’s tiring, of course—it's code switching all the time. But on the positive side, it creates a very clear boundary between clients and their stories. The cultural context that we talk about and we're immersed in during the session is different. If I’m with a British client, the therapy will be in English, and then for the next client I might have to switch to French. It's not just switching from one language to another; it's switching from one cultural context to another, one story to another, one person to another. In a way, it helps to switch languages with different clients because it’s like you're opening one book and then putting it down to open another. If the book is in a different language, it's easier in a way to connect with the book you're reading at that moment.
LR: Do you find that you are equally effective as a therapist as you switch languages because it sounds incredibly complex.
AP:
it helps to switch languages with different clients because it’s like you're opening one book and then putting it down to open another
That’s a good question that I've often asked myself. I remember working with my first client in English. I was terribly anxious and wasn’t sure I would be able to make it, but I didn't have a choice. I already spoke with clients in Russian, Italian and French, but I was living in Spain and I wanted to expand my practice in English. So I did it. And now, after a lot of practice, I find that I am more comfortable doing therapy in English because it's really a question of distance. It gives me enough distance from the context, the cultural context.

I remember talking about this with a British client who lived in Great Britain, so I was quite familiar with their cultural context. We were talking about what it was like for me being on the fringes. I'm not completely inside. I'm not immersed in their cultural context, but I'm familiar enough to understand them. And that gives me a very interesting distance, a very interesting position. I'm pretty sure that's the experience of many therapists whose lingua franca is English. It takes some work, of course, but it's interesting. I do think that I'm a slightly different therapist in English than in Russian, which is my mother tongue. Better? Worse? I don't know, but slightly different, certainly.
LR: A different therapist! When I'm in therapy, I may switch orientations and techniques depending upon the circumstances of my client's life. But it blows my mind to think of your being a different therapist in different languages. Are you more client-centered in one, more solution focused in another, more cognitive behavioral in another? How do the languages align with your therapeutic orientation in the different tongues?
AP:
I'm probably bolder in Italian, more cognitive in French, and funnier in Russian
I'm probably bolder in Italian, more cognitive in French, and funnier in Russian. I can come up with a lot of differences. I also have clients, and that's probably my favorite situation, where we have a few languages that we share. And this goes to the topic of expatriation and working with displaced groups. My clients often do speak several languages, and they evolve in contexts where they have to learn a second language, or third or fifth. And their having a few languages really helps, because we can code switch from one to another during the session. This is one of the tools that I'm lucky to have, and I use it a lot.

I find that it really benefits therapy, really benefits the client. I often bring it up during the intake where we discuss the question of language. Sometimes, multilingual clients have a choice of which language they want to do therapy in. For example, one of my new clients speaks a few languages and previously had therapy in Japanese, but her native language is Russian. She came to see me with a very clear idea about wanting to work in Russian, which is my first language. We also share English because she used to study in England and spoke English for a while. Basically, language was the topic of our first session. So the choice of language becomes a tool that brings therapy forward. It's really interesting.
LR: Being multilingual along with your clients raises this notion of tools to a whole new level, because just as you switch therapeutic orientation in different languages, they access different parts of themselves as they move through different languages with you. It's almost like this potential for a multitude of conversations between two people.
AP:
I think the conversation becomes a polyphonic process, like multiple dialogues or a choir
I think the conversation becomes a polyphonic process, like multiple dialogues or a choir because my Russian part will connect with the Russian part of my client, but our English-speaking parts are also there and they also participate. And my client who speaks Japanese still brings it in because she knows that I'm open to it. I welcome her Japanese even if I don’t understand it. ; I ask, “How do you say it in Japanese?” or “How was that with your Japanese therapist?” It's like welcoming all those parts, which is obviously very inclusive and often very therapeutic in itself. I also work with Arabic-speaking clients, and while I don’t speak the language, it is a rich and beautiful language. I always welcome their quoting of the Qur'an or their favorite books or a family member or husband.
LR: So even though you may be with an Arabic client who is speaking in, or recollecting a memory or recounting a dream in Arabic, you can empathize with the feeling that's being expressed? You can help the client to interpret it in their mother tongue but also translate it so you can understand it? It seems like what you're doing is on the fringe of something so creative, so dynamic and rich that it almost transcends individual therapy. It's like this other level of interaction between two people that is so layered and so deep. I can't even follow it myself, and we are speaking in the same tongue and I'm not even in therapy with you.
AP: It's a lot of fun, and I'm very lucky to have all these languages and to do online therapy. It's all about access, right? It broadens access for the clients. And we know that with COVID, it was the only choice for all of us? But I've been working online for years and years, well before COVID. For people who are displaced—both my clients and myself—doing it online has been the only way to get therapy. It brings these unbelievable diversities to my practice. If I were only working in Paris, I could work with a lot of American and British clients, but I would never have seen the diversity that I see working online. Working with clients from Saudi Arabia, Iran, Russia, China and India is so enriching.

Fellow Travelers

LR: You were born in Russia, lived in Italy, and now live in France, so you are personally multicultural. And you say that working with this mélange of clients has enriched you as a person and therapist? 
AP: You put it beautifully. This is a process that nourishes me. Working with this diverse population enriches me and makes me a better therapist every day because it's challenging and challenges me in my view of myself.
When I see a client like the Russian one I described, it puts me in front of my own Russianness
When I see a client like the Russian one I described, it puts me in front of my own Russianness. After all I have experienced since leaving Russia, how Russian am I now? After all this, what's still Russian in me, what's left? Or what is my relationship with my second culture which is French? My husband is French. I live in France. My daughter is half French. What is my relationship with this context, with this culture? And all these questions are always there as I work with these people. I have to face them again and again and again, and that obviously impacts my relationship with myself all the time. So, it changes me as a person all the time.
LR: I know that there's a sense of being unsettled in those who are or have been expatriated. Do you ever have the sense in yourself that you're never quite settled internally even though you are settled externally?
AP: I have a very settled life now with my family, but I'm very unsettled and fidgety in general. I have to move, I have to change. I'm not planning to move any time soon, and with COVID it's not possible anymore; but I'm constantly traveling with my clients. I'm so aware of this because of the lockdown. Being trapped in my apartment, in a way, was really hard. I love to move. During the lockdown, my clients allowed me to travel to many places simultaneously. I was locked down in Rome, in Venice, in London, Saudi Arabia and in Russia.
LR: I wonder if in working with you, your clients who are locked down—partly because of the pandemic but also perhaps because of living in an oppressive, inescapable society—if they get to travel with you and through you in a way that is therapeutic and liberating.
AP: Absolutely! Traveling together is therapeutic. Irvin Yalom said "we're fellow travelers," right? And it's absolutely true. Existentially, we're all in the same boat and traveling together towards the end. That's a little corny, but it's true. I think I have a very heightened notion of this because the clients I work with in oppressive or very difficult regimes often feel trapped; like the people who I work with living in Saudi Arabia or Iran or Russia or some parts of China. Some people can feel trapped in Texas—a person can feel trapped in any kind of personal situation.
I become a gate, I become a window. Online therapy becomes a window to something that feels like freedom or a different place, a different reality
I become a gate, I become a window. Online therapy becomes a window to something that feels like freedom or a different place, a different reality. And it works both ways. It works sometimes for me when I feel a little trapped in my reality and we connect and travel together for an hour. And it's liberating sometimes to give that hope and means to survive.
LR: Related to the notion of fellow travelers, would you explain what you mean by Expat Therapy, the name of your website and practice specialty?
AP: I'm not really attached to that name. I was moving between countries almost a decade ago from Jersey, a very small island in La Manche in the Channel between France and England, to Spain. I had to create my practice in Spain from old pieces, and as I said, I didn't speak Spanish well enough or feel confident enough to work in the language. But I had to create a website and start a practice and was looking for a name that would make sense. The domain name “Expat Therapy” was free, so I took it—it was really on a whim. It was just, okay, let's do expat therapy.
I don't say I work with expats but prefer to say that I work with displaced and highly mobile individuals
I don't say I work with expats but prefer to say that I work with displaced and highly mobile individuals.

The term makes sense to me because it is very inclusive which I think is very important. Displaced people include those who have left their home country, but one can also be displaced internally. We can be displaced in so many different ways, but the experience deep down, the existential experience of displacement, is always there. There are certainly differences between internal and external displacement in terms of context and experience, of course, but I prefer to see it as a continuum. There's voluntary displacement on the one hand—expatriation—and these are the people I refer to as “expats,” those who wanted to leave. On the other end, you have refugees and migrants whose displacement is forced and who did not have a choice.

The experience of displacement goes deep down psychologically. I love quoting Grinberg and Grinberg, who wrote Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Migration and Exile, first published in 1984. It really made sense to me at the time and still does. They say migration or exile are traumatic experiences that involve so much stress and loss, no matter if one leaves even just for a year or two. It is about learning a new language, losing your friends and all that you know. It could be a student who does an exchange to study abroad for a year or a migrant who's forced to move because of the climate crisis, fire or flooding, war or hunger. They're each different, of course, but deep down the psychological experience is similar.
LR: Not just loss of place, but loss of language, loss of identity, loss of physical surrounding, loss of familiarity and significant others. Do you find that much of your work with displaced people, whether voluntary or involuntary, centers around grief and loss?
AP: There is a lot of that, but the work with many of my fellow travelers also involves a lot of creativity. We lose a lot, but we also find a lot because we usually move for a better life, at least we hope, right? People usually leave when they have a choice, although sometimes they don't have much of a choice for a better place, for a better life. But I have found that there's a lot of hope. They're also very good at adapting. These travelers are very resilient, or they develop this resilience that makes them very special.

these travelers are very resilient, or they develop this resilience that makes them very special
We have to turn obstacles into opportunities. Online therapy is a lot about that. I think a lot of my fellow therapists who had to work online or move online during the COVID probably experienced something like, “Wow, we don't have the client in our room. We lost the couch, we lost so much, but here we go; we can still do the work, and we can sometimes do it better and be more effective and be bolder.” That's resilience.
LR: For every displaced client who finds their way to your electronic couch, there must be a hundred or a thousand who don't have the privilege or the luxury or the resource. And they suffer in their displacement and never get the help of therapy. Does that make you sad?
AP: Of course, it's very sad, and I am very aware of this which is why I'm advocating for online therapy and have been for a long time, and am writing a book, blogging, trying to convince my fellow therapists of the importance of this work. And you know, broadening access is absolutely key. I'm at a stage where I'm also advocating for trainings, because I don't know one training in this world about online therapy around displacement, cross-cultural, or multi-lingual work. Nothing! This is exactly why I'm writing a book, because I realized that there's nothing out there. I’m also doing peer supervision and educating more therapists in cross cultural/multi-lingual work.

All on the Move

LR: When you put it that way, the work that you're doing with displaced people is the equivalent of Doctors Without Borders, the work of the United Nations and The World Health Organization. It's advocacy at a grassroots level. It's not just helping one person with depression or the anxiety related to displacement, it's advocacy at a global level.

I have seen statistics suggesting that much of the world's population is on the move.
AP: Lawrence, we're all on the move.
LR: Please say more about that, Anastasia.
AP: There's the existential part, obviously, but in the end, we are all moving towards something, right?
LR: Or away from something.
AP:
I don't know one person today who would say, “I feel perfectly settled, perfectly fine.” I would be concerned about his or her mental health.
Or away, exactly! We are dynamic beings. Life is dynamic. Everything's changing, every single moment is unique. And the world is a very unsettling place. You had said something about my being unsettled, but I think nobody's settled right now. I don't know one person today who would say, “I feel perfectly settled, perfectly fine.” That would be really weird to me. You know, I would be concerned about his or her mental health. There's the pandemic, fires, climate crisis, and that displaces us even more, right? We're trying to explore other planets and see if we can expand somehow. Humanity is in a crisis, and crisis means displacement which is the reaction to crisis. People leave because they experience a crisis.
LR: What about people who are not physically forced out of their home place but are obstructed from leaving their home place? What are some of the struggles of these “internal emigrants?”
AP: I grew up in the Soviet Union. We couldn't leave. I was young, but I remember very, very well the feeling of being trapped. I became interested in languages and learning French for example from very early on. But it was absolutely impossible, unthinkable, to go to France. I remember I had a map of Paris in my room and dreamt of living there. I read Hemingway and fantasized but I couldn't go. I absolutely couldn't go. My parents had never traveled until I made them travel. That experience stayed with me, and I have become very sensitive to people who experience that. There are so many obstructive regimes that trap people, but there are many more subtle examples when we feel stuck inside, unable to leave or needing to leave because our needs are not fulfilled or met in the place or context we are in.

there are so many obstructive regimes that trap people, but there are many more subtle examples when we feel stuck inside
And yet we cannot leave that context which brings us to the experience of “internal emigration.” That's where we go inside to withdraw from the outside, which can come out as depression. I think this involves a lot of shame because you feel like you're stuck and disempowered, different, and unaccepted.

As a young person, I remember feeling like I didn't fit where I was, but I couldn't leave. Homosexuals in today’s Russia, for example, evolve in a context where they know they're not accepted. They have to find a way out without being able to leave physically. So what do they do? They go inside, and they withdraw into a bubble. And that's a very difficult psychological setup.
LR: Where do they go if they can't come out, literally or figuratively?
AP: Coming out in some cultural and social contexts can be equal to a death sentence.
LR: What is coming out figuratively if they can't come out and enjoy who they are, whether it's religiously or sexually or politically?
AP: This is such hard work. They live a traumatizing experience, and I often feel traumatized after a session with somebody like this. But again, it's that window that I can offer them of acceptance, of understanding, of fresh air to connect with a different context. A context where it's acceptable to be seen and accepted as they are, and that makes a difference.
LR: You can offer them a window, but not necessarily a doorway.
AP: Exactly. It's not a door, it's a window. It's working within the limitations. It's like you can enter their dark room and open a window. You cannot get them out, but you can stay with them there for a while and help them to reorganize their dark room, put some lights on and invite friends in sometimes when it's possible. There are ways. And the Internet obviously opens a huge window because I'm not the only one sitting in that window; they can connect with other people just like them and that helps them to cope with internal emigration, because they're not alone.
LR: When they're in their dark place and thousands of miles away from you with no connection beyond you, how do you handle being pulled into that dark room with them? You said it's traumatizing for you. Can you give me an example of how you might deal with working with someone who is so trapped and how it affects you?
AP: Those days are hard, and I don't sleep well. But again, somebody has to sit there with them for a little bit, at least. I really rely on the relationship. I rely on human resilience and creativity. And what I find is that creativity is often a way out. It's not physically a way out, but it's a way out.
LR: Can you give me an example of a client with whom you worked where creativity was the bridge for them?
AP: I love art and am very sensitive in that way. I grew up in a very artistic family, so
I use a lot of art and artistic means when possible to help clients who are trapped in their realities to expand their reality
I use a lot of art and artistic means when possible to help clients who are trapped in their realities to expand their reality, to make something out of it. I use a lot of writing, for example, journaling and creating poetry. That's where the second language of therapy, English, for example, becomes a liberating tool—because what can be unsaid in their native language, whether it is Japanese, Arabic, or Russian, can be expressed in English.

I often invite them to explore their experience by writing an essay or piece of poetry in English. And they write wonderfully. It can also be a painting or drawing or collage, which are wonderful tools. I use anything that is available to them. It can be pictures. I may ask them to take their phone outside to take pictures of the place where they live and share that with me. Relationship to the place where they are trapped is very interesting to explore in therapy because they often have an ambivalent relationship with it. 
LR: You had mentioned that you have enjoyed the work of Irvin Yalom, who often uses dreamwork with his clients. How does dreamwork play into your online therapeutic work with displaced and mobile clients?
AP: Like in any therapy with anybody, I think dreams also have an important place with this population. There's so much that is out of reach or that we cannot grasp cognitively or voice or verbalize or even be aware of. Dreams open that window. It's another window and the more windows we can open, the better.
LR: The more you can access the psyche.
AP: Exactly! More air, more light. With the displaced individual in particular, dreamwork can be very powerful and important. The multilingual brain is slightly different from the monolingual brain. I will ask clients which languages they dream in. It's really interesting. I remember, for example, dreaming in Italian or in French and seeing my parents speaking Italian in my dream which is weird because they don’t speak Italian in reality.

I often invite the client to tell me their dream in their mother tongue, and even if I don't speak the language, I will pick up key words and they will translate them for me. It gives that additional layer of depth to the work we can do. It's really interesting. It's also a way for the clients to tell me something they cannot always convey directly in English or that is not yet in their awareness; it's a way for them to invite me into their world and their culture.

The Shame of Moving Away

LR: As I was reading some of your work, I got the sense that there might be a similarity between clients who are being physically or sexually abused in their families from whom they can’t escape, except perhaps through dissociation or substance use, and internal emigrants who are traumatized by their living circumstances, such as an oppressive regime or family, and are also incapable of escape.
AP: I know what you mean. What probably makes those experiences feel existentially similar is that in both situations, the person feels that there is something very wrong with them. If they are abused by their father or a family member and there is silence and secrecy in the family, then that's shameful, right? That triggers shame, because the only way they can make sense of it is by believing that something's wrong with them or that they’ve done something wrong. Very similar things happen, psychologically speaking, with people who feel that they don't fit into their context.

They feel like outsiders—different from everybody else, and that triggers shame. Something's wrong with me. To be the only white person in the room, the only man in the room, the only Russian in the room, that triggers shame. The levels can be different, but the experience is the same, and it's a continuum. And that's what we work with in therapy. Any therapy with a displaced person, regardless of the circumstances, has to deal with shame at some point.
LR: Our readers are familiar with the work of Joe Burgo, who wrote a wonderful book called Shame. Would you consider shame an existential dilemma for people? Does it tie into those core challenges that displaced people feel?
AP:
I'm really interested in shame in general, and think it is part of the human experience, as much as death or loss
I'm really interested in shame in general, and think it is part of the human experience, as much as death or loss. It is one of the major things that make us human. Somebody without shame doesn’t feel human to us, because shame is really part of our experience of being human. It's one of the first strong emotions that we feel when we are babies, so I think that in any psychological struggle, shame is somehow a part of any kind of psychological discomfort.
LR: Someone who is taught all their life to love the motherland or fatherland and doesn’t must struggle terribly inside with a sense of disloyalty and shame as if they've done something wrong.
AP: Have you seen clients who really struggle when they talk about their parents who were not perfect? To acknowledge their parents' shortcomings or abuse is so hard for them. That sense of loyalty and the shame that comes with it is terrible. It's so important to sit there with the client and help them to realize that it's okay to feel that way. It's okay to say, “My father abused me or was distant and disconnected or not good enough sometimes…but was still a father, and I can still love him even if I have to recognize that he did some damage.” And that is exactly the same thing that happens when we deal with a country or motherland that is not good enough. Right now, in this moment, many people probably experience their motherlands like this. I’ve certainly experienced that being Russian; I'm not always very proud of my motherland. In some ways I am, but in other ways I'm not, and that's a really difficult experience. It creates a problem.
LR: It's dissonance.
AP: Absolutely.
We are taught or told that we have to love that entity, whether a parent or a country, but we cannot because it's bad for us, because we are being mistreated or damaged in some ways. And that can create shame.
We are taught or told that we have to love that entity, whether a parent or a country, but we cannot because it's bad for us, because we are being mistreated or damaged in some ways. And that can create shame.
LR: It almost seems that in this sense, dislocated people are moving along the developmental pathway to autonomy, freedom of thought, freedom of communication; but that there’s a feeling of there being something wrong with them for doing so.
AP: I absolutely agree. Grinberg and Grinberg talk about this displacement—but they don't call it displacement. They call it migration or exile, but they see it as an existential issue and an existential experience. And of course, any move to a new place can be seen and perceived as a lifecycle event. It really is developmental work all the way around because, for example, people who come to see me here in Paris often come in their first year of expatriation. This might include an American who comes to work or follows a partner and settles in Paris.

And after a few weeks or months, they start to experience psychological discomfort. The place isn't as welcoming as it should be or as nice as they thought it would be. And there's this kind of disconnect between what they imagined or dreamed and the reality of their new life. People cope with that in different ways. Some write books—there are a lot of wonderful books written by American expats about Paris, for example. And that's a way of dealing and coping with a challenging, potentially traumatizing situation, but not everybody's a writer. So that's where journaling is really useful, and therapy also is very useful. So, that's what we do. Basically, we write that book together.
LR: You co-author.
AP: Exactly. We co-author the story about their emigration, displacement and expatriation. And it’s developmental work, of course. Hopefully at the end of that work, they're closer to being more autonomous and more resilient. Fluency in the new language is ideal. But that's kind of what the scope is, to bring them to that point.

Final Thoughts

LR: I had asked you earlier in the interview about your own sense of being unsettled. And it seems from our conversation thus far that you're there as a welcome agent of sorts at the gate that separates them from wherever they want to be. You're inviting but also challenging them to take a step into a space of shared discomfort and distress in hopes of feeling a bit more settled wherever they may be.
AP: There's a lot of modeling in the process of course. I have been displaced in my own life and in that therapeutic moment with them am again being displaced. It creates a kind of a kind of kinship—we're in this together, we understand each other, and that makes our work easier, in a way. It's difficult for me at times, because my own stuff comes up, of course. It gives us a shortcut, because they don't have to spell it out to me. They know that I know. Jung’s idea of the wounded healer.

we co-author the story about their emigration, displacement and expatriation
What’s interesting is that many clients come with some previous experience of therapy which sometimes was really good. And often it was absolutely not—in that they never addressed their displacement experience. I keep being bewildered. I have clients who come after four or five years of therapy who had never discussed their experiences of displacement.
LR: And that type of therapy just perpetuates their sense of…
AP: Alienation.
LR: Alienation and dislocation.
AP: Exactly. So being that welcoming space, co-creating that inclusive experience, helps them to learn how to do that for themselves.
LR: It's almost like you're a travel agent.
AP: I am, absolutely.
LR: Internal travel agent.
AP: Yes, traveling together. I love to see it that way.
LR: Your own experience allows you to cut to some of the stuff with your clients that others might not be able to get to as quickly. Do you find a challenge in how much to disclose of yourself?
AP: I have my website, and that's my kind of travel agency advertisement, and potential clients are welcomed into that space. I say a little bit about myself there, so when they come to see me they usually know that I've traveled, and they know about the languages and often come to see me because of that.
LR: Seek you out?
AP: Exactly. My average client seeks me out. We talk about it in the first session. Sometimes it's very conscious and very mindful of a choice. Sometimes it's less cognitive. Sometimes it's an intuitive choice, and we find out later why they chose me. Some guess quite quickly; sometimes they don't yet know. As we start, I work in English with some Russian clients because that's their preference. And then at some point, I try to switch and move to Russian, because obviously that was the hidden agenda.

Having that kinship, that shared ground, is obviously a shortcut. It often helps us to do better work, and I'm comfortable self-disclosing to get there. I obviously have to think about it, but usually I intuit when it's actually helpful to the client. But people rarely ask me any questions. Usually what's on the website is enough for them. After a long period of therapy with me, they will see me in different contexts, and I will have seen them in many different contexts. I may have seen them changing countries a few times, or they have seen me in my holiday house. At some point, obviously, they know a bit more about me, but that happens naturally.
LR: Have you worked with transgender clients who emigrate between genders in a culture that makes it that much more difficult for them to do so?
AP: I have worked with clients for whom it wasn't an option. Technically they couldn't do it, so it was internal work. It's extremely interesting but really tough work. It's a lot of traveling together internally, and there’s a lot of shame involved in the process. It’s kind of building that resilience in the face of a history of shame. It’s also about working on the relationship with their own bodies and their cultures and their place simultaneously, so it's a lot like relational work.
LR: What advice do you have for therapists who are venturing into the world of online therapy, especially with those who have been displaced either externally or internally? I don't see it as something that just everyone can do.
AP: It is my hope that some therapists will stick to their rooms, because that’s also needed. I love having my chairs and working here, too, because it's really important to keep with physical reality. I don't think you will always have the kind of massive migration to online therapy that has been imposed by COVID. But I don't think it should go away. Maybe therapists who score high on openness might be better suited for this niche work. Maybe it would be fun to do research looking at the difference in openness between therapists who voluntarily and involuntarily move online, shifting from a familiar to an unfamiliar space.

It helps to trust the process, the therapeutic relationship, the client and ourselves. It gets much easier once we’re in the process, because clients are pretty good at guiding us so we're not alone. Younger clients are wonderful guides.
LR: From our conversation, I think one of the greatest gifts that you bring to your work is providing clients with the sense that they're not alone. Even if they're isolated within themselves, within a house, within a geographical region, within a political party, within a religious group, they're not alone when they’re with you.
AP: I feel inspired after some good work done with the client. It's kind of like writing a book that has a lot of voices in it, and those are the voices of my clients.
LR: The voices inside of you as well.
AP: It's a choir, but a noisy space sometimes.
LR: As we finish the interview, Anastasia, I am curious about how this traveling we did together was for you?
AP: I'm having so much fun. I could keep going on and on. Thank you. It's fascinating, and thank you for not sticking to the book. I would have struggled. I really am most comfortable in a natural relationship, so I was a little anxious about this.
LR: I was a little anxious too. My questions are usually just a guide for me, and it’s a sign of a good relationship when conversation flows and ideas are shared freely. Whether it's a therapeutic conversation or an interview conversation, we get to the same place together.
AP: Thank you for creating that space, because I really feel that it was a very, very safe space. And I really appreciate it. Thank you, Larry.