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Issue | John Gottman | John Gray |
Chief Motivating Force | Research | Revenge (first wife Barbara de Angelis taught him seminar biz then ditched him). |
Formal Research | Naturalistic observation of couples living in apartment laboratory, plus video and physiological monitoring. | None. |
Number Of Couples Actively Studied | 760 | 0 |
Longest Period Of Follow-Up | 14 years | 0 |
Academic Credentials | Ph.D., University of Illinois | Ph.D., Mail order, Columbia Pacific U. (unaccredited institution). |
License | Psychologist | Driver |
Number Of Journal Articles Written | 109 | 0 |
Cardinal Rule Of Relationships | What people think they do in relationships and what they do do are two different things. | Men and women are different. |
Defining Statement | The everyday mindless moments are the basis of romance in marriages. | Before 1950 men were men and women were women. |
What Makes Marriage Work | Making mental maps of each other's world. | Heeding gender stereotypes. |
What Makes Marriage Fail | Heeding gender stereotypes. | Misunderstanding gender differences in communication style. |
Heroes | Men who put the toilet seat down | Men who escape to their cave |
Role Of Gender Differences | Mark of an ailing relationship. | Recipe for success in relationships. |
View Of Intimacy | Comforts men | Scares men |
View Of Humor | Right up there with sex; communicates acceptance. | "Men will tolerate humor. Women won't." |
Signs Of Marital Apocalypse | Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. | Arguing |
How Spouses Do Best | Accepting influence from one another. | On separate planets. |
Key Gender Difference | Men's and women's bodies respond differently to conflict | Women talk too much about feelings. |
Why Men Withdraw | Their stress systems are over-activated during marital conflict. | They can only tolerate so much intimacy. |
Cause Of Conflict | Virtually inevitable between two people. | She hates Super Bowl Sunday. |
Men's Big Mistake | Failing to deep breathe during conflict. | Solving her problems. |
Women's Big Mistake | Stating complaints with criticism. | Giving advice. |
Why Men Don't Help More at Home | Their brain cells were not trained to notice domestic themes. | They give their all at the office. |
Marriage Math | There must be 5x as many positives as negatives in marriage. | Men and women keep score differently. |
What They Say About Each Other | "I envy his financial success." | "John who?" |