Understanding Sexual Reenactments and How to Eliminate Them

• Patterns of Re-Victimization
• Abuser Patterns
• What’s at the Core of Sexual Reenactments?
• Passive and Active Reenactments
• Identifying Shame-Inducing Sexual Compulsions
• Remedies for Passive Reenactors
• Remedies for Aggressive Reenactors

In general, reenactments are an unconscious attempt to reconcile, reframe, or repair a trauma that occurred in childhood. Sexual reenactments are no different. Most sexual reenactments originate due to childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault in adolescence or adulthood. Although not every former victim of sexual violence will have a need to reenact their trauma, many do. This is because most sexual trauma goes unprocessed. Most sexual abuse victims don’t talk about it due to feelings of shame and the fear that they will not be believed. Many try to put it in the past the way friends and family encourage them to do. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work, and they end up reenacting the abuse in some way. As it is with other forms of abuse, typically, former victims tend to either reenact their trauma by continuing to be victimized or by becoming abusive.

It is common knowledge that victims of child sexual abuse have a tendency to reenact their trauma by being re-victimized throughout their lives, by repeating what was done to them and thus becoming an abuser, or by becoming promiscuous or sexually addicted. In this article I will discuss all of these types of sexual reenactment.

Patterns of Re-Victimization

Research over the past decade has consistently shown that women who were sexually victimized as a child or adolescent are far more likely to be sexually assaulted as an adult than other women. One study found that former victims of CSA are 35 times more likely to be sexually assaulted than non-victims. (1)

In addition, reenactments often lead to re-victimization and with it, related feelings of shame, helplessness, and hopelessness. For example, it has been found that women who were sexually abused as children are more likely to be sexually or physically abused in their marriages. Therefore, helping clients gain an understanding and control of reenactments is a primary way to help them avoid further victimization and shaming.

Why are victims of child sexual abuse more at risk of being re-victimized?     

• Most former victims of child sexual abuse experience a lot of shame and self-blame. These two factors are by far the most damaging effects of CSA and increase the likelihood of re-victimization more than any other effect. This is partly true because victims of sexual abuse develop certain behavioral problems, such as alcohol abuse, that make re-victimization more likely. Victimized women, in particular, believe that they have brought any abuse they’ve experienced on themselves and that they do not deserve to be treated with respect or loved unconditionally. (2) Furthermore, shame is related to an avoidant coping style, as the person who is shame-prone will be motivated to avoid thoughts and situations that elicit this painful emotional state. A victim who is experiencing avoidant symptoms may be prone to making inaccurate or uninformed decisions regarding potential danger because of the fact that the trauma has been denied, minimized, or otherwise not fully integrated. (3)   
• They tend to have alcohol and drug problems. Former victims often numb their re-experiencing symptoms with alcohol and drug use, which can serve to impair judgment and defensive strategies. According to research, former victims of child sexual abuse are about 4 times more likely to develop symptoms of drug abuse, and adolescents who have been sexually abused were 2 to 3 times more likely to have alcohol use/dependence problems than non-victims CSA has also been identified as a significant precursor to alcohol abuse. (4)  
• Certain factors increase the likelihood of re-victimization. Factors such as the severity of the abuse, the use of force and threats, whether there was penetration, the duration of the abuse, and closeness of the relationship between victim and offender are associated with higher risk of re-victimization. (5) 
• Certain kinds of abusive men target women whom they perceive as vulnerable. These men can easily spot a vulnerable woman just by observing their posture, the way they walk, and the way they speak.  
• Former victims tend to have sexual behavior problems and oversexualized behavior. Children who have been sexually abused have over 3 times as many sexual behavior problems as children who have not been abused.
• They tend to have low self-esteem and poor body image. Obesity and eating disorders are more common in women who have a history of child sexual abuse. Girls and women who have a poor body image are more likely to feel complimented by male attention and are more vulnerable to men taking advantage of their need for attention.
• They may feel powerless because the abuser has repeatedly violated their body and acted against their will through coercion and manipulation. When someone attempts to sexually violate them as an adult, they may feel helpless and powerless to defend themselves.
• They don’t tend to respect their bodies. They may feel stigmatized, suffer from a great deal of shame and feel like they are already “damaged goods,” and there is no point in protecting their reputation or their body.
• They don’t tend to be attuned to warning signs that a person may be a sexual perpetrator.  
• They don’t tend to have good boundaries. Former victims often allow other people to have too much access to their body, to take direction and advice too readily, to have difficulties saying “no.” 

My client Ellen was re-victimized many times, by several different men and for many of the reasons stated above, specifically, shame and self-blame, being targeted by abusive men, feelings of powerlessness, a lack of respect for her own body, and poor boundaries.

“Starting when I was seven years old, my uncle began grooming me. My parents had just divorced, and my uncle started taking me places—supposedly to make up for the fact that my dad stopped coming to see me. He’d take me to the zoo, the park, and to the movies. He bought me candy and popcorn and sodas. And he bought me comics—I was really into comics. He was always very affectionate towards me, and I welcomed it because I missed my father so much.

“His affection gradually turned into sexual touches. It felt good so I didn’t resist. He progressed from touching my vagina to inserting his finger and then inserting other objects. At that point I didn’t like it. I didn’t get any pleasure—in fact when the objects got bigger it began to hurt. But I couldn’t say anything. He’d done so much for me, and I loved him so much that I just took it. Sometimes it hurt so much that it made me cry. He just ignored my crying and kept on doing it.

“I realize now that I have been reenacting the horrible abuse I experienced at the hands of my uncle for quite some time now. I’m so embarrassed to even tell you what I’ve allowed men to do to me. I was involved with one guy who was deep into BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sado-masochism) and I ended up letting him tie me up, drop hot candle wax on my vagina, insert objects into my anus. You’d be shocked if I showed you the number of scars I have because of that relationship. At the time I convinced myself that I loved him and because of that, I wanted to please him. But in actuality, I was just blindly repeating what my uncle did to me.”

Abuser Patterns

Just as not every former victim of CSA develops a victim pattern, not every former victim becomes an abuser. But unfortunately, many do. There is quite a lot of controversy about the extent to which males victims, in particular, repeat the abuse they suffered. Collecting reliable data has been difficult since subjects are not always willing to reveal their earlier childhood experiences, nor their own perpetrator behavior.

It appears that the type of sexual abuse one experiences can be a factor in the likelihood of becoming an abuser. For example, the evidence shows that only 21% of incest victims become sexual predators, whereas being a reported victim of pedophilia is strongly linked with being subsequently a perpetrator of pedophilia, alone or jointly with incest, with the combined rate being 43%. (6)   

Several studies were conducted assessing the rate of child sexual abuse reported by 1717 male perpetrators of sexual assault who had admitted their crimes. The researchers were able to determine that, overall, 23% of the perpetrators had experienced sexual abuse with physical contact in childhood. (7) More recently, other studies have indicated that child sexual abusers are much more likely to have been sexually victimized as children compared not only to people who sexually assault adults, but also to non-sexual criminals and the general population.

Several studies have examined the factors that may increase the risk that male victims of child sexual abuse will go on to commit sexual assault. The key factors are:

In childhood:   

• Severity of the sexual abuse (more than one perpetrator, use of violence, greater frequency, longer duration, significant relationship with the perpetrator, etc.)
• Sexual abuse committed by a woman
• Positive perception of the sexual abuse experienced (positive affection for the perpetrator, perceived pleasure, poor understanding of the negative effects of the abuse, etc.)
• Limited emotional support from family and friends during childhood
• Intimidation and few meaningful social contacts during childhood and adolescence
• Maltreatment
• Lack of parental supervision
• Adjustment difficulties and mental health problems in childhood and adolescence  

In adulthood:

• Limited awareness of the difficulties associated with having experienced sexual abuse in childhood
• Low self-esteem
• Antisocial behavior (8)  

What Do These Findings Tell Us?

• Experts maintain that, in the case of males, being sexually abused in childhood is an important risk factor for committing sexual assault later on in life, but that it is not the only risk factor that plays a role in the perpetuation of sexual assault.
• Most victims of child sexual abuse will not become perpetrators of sexual assault, and a history of sexual victimization is neither a necessary nor a sufficient condition to sexually offend.
• Personal and family factors in childhood that have been identified as increasing the risk that a sexually abused child will go on to commit sexual assault suggest that children who obtain specialized treatment, sufficient support from family and friends, and grow up in an environment where they do not experience maltreatment are less likely to develop a number of problems, including sexually aggressive behavior.  
• Individuals who do offend had, among other things, more problems in childhood and were unaware of the negative effects of the sexual abuse they suffered.

The bottom line is, if someone was sexually abused in childhood or adolescence, they need to:

• Admit the abuse to themselves.
• Learn about the possible effects it can have on someone, especially in terms of their sexual attractions, their sexual relationships, the amount of anger they still have toward their perpetrator and how they act out this anger sexually.
• Learn what their specific triggers are—those reactions that can cause them to not only remember the abuse but to act out in a negative or even dangerous way.
• Focus on what their unfinished business might be so that they are not motivated to reenact the trauma.  

What’s at the Core of Sexual Reenactments?

Reenactments are always an attempt to manage unprocessed trauma. But in addition, sexual reenactments can be the following:

• An unconscious attempt to come out of denial and face the truth about what happened to you
• A cry for help
• An attempt to take back a sense of power and control
• A reaction to being triggered
• An attempt to understand what happened to you  

Let’s discuss each of these reasons one by one.

An Unconscious Attempt to Come Out of Denial

As I’ve have been discussing, reenactments are caused in part by powerful unconscious forces that must be eventually verbalized and understood. These patterns of behavior are often unconscious attempts to reconcile, reframe, or repair the abuse that occurred in childhood. Unfortunately, they do not always accomplish this task and can result in perpetual psychological and emotional damage. The primary reason why it is important for former victims to acknowledge the sexual abuse is that those who are in denial are particularly vulnerable to sexual reenactments.  

One of the main reasons why victims of CSA continue to be re-victimized is that they are either in denial about the fact that they were sexually abused, they have minimized the damage caused by such abuse, or they convince themselves that they are not at risk. Let’s return to Ellen, the woman who was frequently sexually mistreated by men and who allowed a boyfriend to repeat what her uncle had done to her. In Ellen’s case, she had never denied that her uncle had molested her. But she did struggle to believe that he never cared about her, that he was just using her. “Even though he did terrible things to me sexually, he had originally been so good to me that I tried to excuse the other stuff. I continued to believe that if I let him do the bad stuff, he’d become the “good Uncle” again. I must have had the same thinking process with all those men who did horrible things to me. By reenacting the abuse by my uncle, in a weird way I was actually forcing myself to admit that he never really loved me, something I needed to face.”

It’s critical to help clients acknowledge whether they were sexually abused as a child or not. Child sexual abuse includes any contact between an adult and a child, or an older child and a younger child, for the purposes of sexual stimulation of either the child or the adult or older child and that results in sexual gratification for the older person. This can range from non-touching offenses, such as exhibitionism and child pornography, to fondling, penetration, incest and child prostitution. A child does not have to be touched to be molested.

Many people think of childhood sexual abuse as being an adult molesting a child. But childhood sexual abuse also includes an older child molesting a younger child. By definition, an older child is usually two years or older than the younger child but even an age difference of one year can have tremendous power implications. For example, an older brother is almost always seen as an authority figure, especially if he is left “in charge” when their parents are away. The younger sibling tends to go along with what the older sibling wants to do out of fear or out of a need to please. There are also cases where the older sister is the aggressor, although this does not happen as often. In cases of sibling incest, the greater the age difference, the greater the betrayal of trust, and the more violent the incest tends to be.

Many former victims do not realize that what happened to them as a child or adolescent was considered abuse because their image of child sexual abuse is limited to an older man abusing a child of the opposite sex. But this does not take into account males who are victimized by another male, those who were abused by a female, victims of sibling abuse, and victims of clergy abuse.

Also, in addition to the actions that we normally consider to be childhood sexual abuse, there are many other behaviors that fall into this category. You may wish to provide your clients with the following questionnaire, following questionnaire, from Put Your Past in the Past: Why You May Be Reenacting Your Trauma and How to Stop.   

Questionnaire: Were You Sexually Abused?

Did a family member, a caretaker, a sibling or other older child, an authority figure or any other adult or older child:  

1. Lie or sit around nude in a sexually provocative way?
2. Walk around the house in a sexually provocative way (nude, half dressed)?
3. Frequently walk in on you while you were getting dressed, while taking a bath or while using the toilet?
4. Flirt with you or engage in provocative behavior such as making comments about the way your body was developing?
5. Show you pornographic pictures or movies?
6. Kiss, hold, or touch you inappropriately?
7. Touch, bite, or fondle your sexual parts?
8. Make you engage in forced or mutual masturbation?
9. Give you enemas or douches for no medical reason?
10. Wash or scrub your genitals well after you were capable of doing so on your own?
11. Become preoccupied with the cleanliness of your genitals, scrub your genitals until they were raw, tell you that your genitals were dirty, shameful or evil?
12. Force you to observe or participate in adult bathing, undressing, toilet, or sexual activities?
13. Force you to be nude in front of others? Force you to attend parties where adults were nude?
14. Peek at you when you were in the shower or on the toilet, insist on an “open door” policy so they could walk in on you at any time in the bathroom or in your bedroom?
15. Make you share your parents’ bed when you were old enough to have your own bed (assuming other beds were available)?
16. Have sex in front of you after you were old enough to be upset, confused, or aroused by it?
17. Tell you details about their sexual behavior or about their sexual parts?
18. Take photographs of you nude or engaged in sexual activities (once again, after you were old enough to be embarrassed by it)?
19. After you reached adolescence or older, ask you to tell them about inappropriate details about your sexual life.
20. Allow you to be sexually molested without trying to stop it?
21. Deliver you to other people so that they could molest or rape you, or bring people over to the house who would molest or rape you?
22. Make you into a child prostitute?
23. Continue to make sexually inappropriate comments, or to touch you in sexually provocative ways even after you reached adulthood?  

A Cry for Help

Often, without realizing it, former victims of CSA put themselves in dangerous situations as a way of letting others know they need help. They behave recklessly, get in trouble with the law, drink too much, take drugs, and/or associate with dangerous people. Coming back to Ellen, another reason for her reenactment was that she was crying out for help—not on a conscious level of course, but on an unconscious one. Although she was ashamed of all her “battle scars,” they too were cries for help. In fact, she later admitted that she often wore short sleeves so people would see her scars and ask her about them.  

In most situations, if you were to confront former victims about the risks they take, they will deny it, but there is no doubt about it, in spite of their protests to the contrary, they are desperately crying out for help. This was the case with my client, Caitlin:

“When I was a teenager I got into all kinds of trouble, from shoplifting to overdosing on drugs. My parents were exasperated—trying to control me, trying to make me understand the danger I was putting myself in. But frankly, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care what happened to me.

“Now I understand that I was calling out for help. I wanted my parents to know how much I was hurt and why. I was being molested by my grandfather, a man my parents adored, and because they adored him, I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to break their hearts if they realized what a monster he actually was, and I didn’t think they would believe me anyway. It was like I was waving a giant red flag saying, ‘Hey, look at me. See how much I’m hurting. Try to figure out why.’ But they never did, and I just got worse and worse.

“Eventually, I got involved with a guy who was basically a gangster. He and his friends robbed liquor stores, but he pretended to be a nice guy. He’d come to my house to pick me up and be all nice and polite to my parents. He had them fooled completely, just like my grandfather had them fooled. Talk about a reenactment.”

An Attempt to Take Back Power and Control
Another common reaction to child sexual abuse is to attempt to regain a sense of power and control over one’s sexuality. Perhaps the best example of this is when former victims of CSA become prostitutes or strippers. There have been numerous studies showing that a majority of prostitutes were sexually abused as children or adolescents (8, 9). One of these studies (McClanahan) interviewed 1,142 female detainees at the Cook County Department of Corrections found that childhood sexual victimization nearly doubled the odds of entry into prostitution throughout the lives of women. The other (McIntyre) noted that 82% of the sample had been “sexually violated” prior to their involvement in the sex trade, while three-quarters had a history of physical abuse. 

Many researchers have interviewed prostitutes who freely talk about the fact that they feel empowered selling sex to men because they feel like they are turning the table on them. They feel that they are now the ones in power. Of course, the sad truth is that they are no more in power than they were when they were being sexually molested. Please note: these studies primarily studied and interviewed prostitutes in the United States, Canada and Europe. Those that studied prostitution in third world countries such as in Asia and Africa found that other factors, such as poverty, were primary motivators for prostitution.

In addition to becoming involved with prostitution and stripping, former victims of CSA or sexual assault in adolescence or adulthood get involved with other activities, such as BDSM in an attempt to gain power and control. Ellen always took the passive role in her sexual reenactments but others take the aggressive or active role. This was the case with my client Tanya.

“I got involved with BDSM because it gave me a chance to be the one in power. I got to call the shots—I had all the control and it felt great. I got so good at it that I actually became a dominitrix for a while. Men paid me to humiliate them and make them feel powerless—like how I felt when I was being sexually abused. For a long time, this felt really good. But that was before therapy, before I figured out what I was actually doing, before I processed my feelings about being abused. Once I did that it turned my stomach to treat men the way I had been treated. It took all the pleasure out of it for me. I began to see them as helpless victims like I had been because who knows what had happened to them, you know? They were pathetic really and I no longer wanted to participate in their need to be punished.”

Another common way that former victims attempt to take back power and control is by becoming abusive themselves. By becoming an abuser, former victims can play the role of the more powerful person in the relationship in an attempt to overcome the powerlessness they felt as a child. My client Jake is a good example of this. This is what he shared with me when we first started working together.

“I guess the average guy can watch porn and not get triggered like I do. But what happens to me is I start feeling agitated. I feel like a caged animal—trapped in my own home, in my own skin. I immediately find some excuse to tell my wife I have to go out. Then I just drive. I drive until I see an opportunity. I might see a woman walking alone on a road, or I might see a Strip Club or bar that looks interesting. My goal is to have access to a woman, any woman, as quickly as I can. It doesn’t matter how old she is or what she looks like. She just needs to be available.

“I find a way to get the woman alone and then I try to convince her to have sex with me. I’m like a hungry animal; I have to satisfy my hunger. If the woman doesn’t cooperate, I become more and more aggressive. I do whatever I have to do to get her to give in to me—I lie, I manipulate, whatever I have to do. Sometimes I just need to coerce her to go with me to a secluded place. But if she ends up fighting me off, I get physical. I slap her, punch her—whatever I need to do to make her stop resisting.”

As Jake and I continued to work together we discovered the reason pornography was a trigger for him. When he was 12 years old, he was sexually abused by a neighbor who used pornography as part of his grooming process. The neighbor had groomed Jake by playing video games with him, providing him with sodas and later on alcohol, and by showing him pornographic films. Most of the films were about gay sex and afterwards he would molest Jake.

We then needed to understand the connection between his sexual abuse and his aggressive behavior toward women. Jake was finally able to make the connections we were looking for—the explanation for his abusive behavior after watching pornography. As it turned out, Jake felt compelled to watch pornography, even though he didn’t like how it made him feel. The reason he felt compelled to go searching for a woman after watching porn was that he unconsciously needed to prove to himself that he wasn’t gay. Another motivation: he needed to assert the power and control he had lost to the molester. And the rage he felt toward the women he forced to have sex with him was actually the rage he felt toward his perpetrator—the neighbor man.

A Reaction to Being Triggered   
Often a reenactment is caused by being triggered. If you noticed, Jake mentioned being triggered by the pornography he felt compelled to watch. The most common triggers for those who experienced child sexual abuse are:

• Sounds, smells or tastes that remind you of the abuser or the environment where the abuse took place

• The smell of alcohol, someone being drunk

• Being in the dark

• Someone reminding you of your abuser

• Someone coming too close to you physically

• Someone wanting to be emotionally close to you before you are ready

• Being alone with someone

• Being alone with a stranger in a small room

• Being around pornography or someone who is watching pornography

• Family get-togethers (especially for those who were abused by a family member)

• Being touched

• Someone flirting with you or making sexual comments

• Being seduced

• Being manipulated (if you do this, I’ll do that)

• Being pressured (Oh come on, I know you’ll like it if you just try)

• Secrets/clandestine activities

• Feelings of betrayal

• Lies and cover-ups

• Blackmail, threats

• Being “bought”

• Cameras and video cameras  

An Attempt to Understand What Happened

Ongoing reenactments often indicate that a survivor is emotionally stuck. Some are attempting to work through an aspect of the trauma by repeating it with another person hoping that this time the result will be different. Others refuse to believe that someone they loved and/or respected could harm them in such a selfish way. Still others blame themselves for the abuse or have identified with the aggressor, and cannot admit to themselves what really happened. In this case, their reenactments are often unconscious ways to try to understand what happened to them, or their unconscious trying to force them out of denial. This was the situation with my client Monica who explained her situation this way:  

“I love my fiancé very much but whenever I am at an event or party without him, I almost always get into trouble. If a man comes on to me, I just can’t seem to push him away, especially if he comes on strong. I mean, I want to get away from him, but it is like my feet are in cement. I’m ashamed to say that I let these men touch me in places they should never have access to. Even worse, on several occasions I have let men pull me into a bathroom to have sex with me. I even have haunting memories of being slammed against a wall in a dark hallway. I’m so ashamed of my behavior. I just don’t understand myself.”

I explained to Monica that it is very common for survivors of sexual abuse or sexual assault to respond in the way she does when men approach them. There is a trauma response called “freezing” in which a person cannot defend themselves or even move when they are being attacked. Many describe it as a feeling like their feet are in cement. This explanation opened the door to Monica talking about the fact that she was attacked by a much older boy after choir practice at church when she was 13 years old.

“He started talking to me after choir. At first, I was flattered to have a boy so much older than me take interest in me. But then he tried to kiss me several times and I pulled away and told him to stop. No matter how often I pushed him away he just kept trying. I ran away and tried to avoid him from that time on.

“I thought I’d dealt with the problem, but I guess it made him angry that I pushed him away because one evening he waited for me and pulled me into an empty room and raped me. I tried to call out but there was no one around to save me. I’ve blocked out the details, but it was a horrible experience for me.”

“Did you tell anyone about it?” I asked.

“No, I was too embarrassed. I knew I shouldn’t have been talking to him in the first place. My mother has always warned me about talking to strangers, but I was flattered that an older boy took an interest in me, and I ignored her warning. I thought she’d get mad at me for being so careless. And I didn’t think anyone would believe me. After all, why would a boy so much older than me, a good-looking boy for that matter, bother with such a young and unattractive girl like me?”

As you can probably imagine, there was a lot going on with Monica and it explained why she was acting the way she did with men who approached her. She was so traumatized by the rape that she froze when men came onto her. She was unconsciously reenacting the trauma of being raped. Monica needed to acknowledge and process the feelings she had experienced when she was raped at 13, feelings she had tried to push away and forget. By doing so, and by realizing that the rape was not her fault, she was able to stop her reenactments entirely.

Passive and Active Reenactments

I’ve divided sexual reenactments into two major categories: passive and active (or aggressive). While those involved in reenactments are typically unaware of what they are doing, those who are involved with passive reenactments (men as well as women) are particularly unconscious when it comes to realizing they are reenacting previous trauma. They go about their lives, putting themselves in risky, if not dangerous situations, completely oblivious to their motive—replaying the trauma of child sexual abuse hoping for a different outcome.

Passive Reenactments

Passive behavior is continuing to view sex from a victim’s perspective and therefore can become a reenactment of the abuse. Behaving in any of these ways causes clients to feel ashamed and to continue to lose respect for themselves. Even more troubling, behaving in these passive ways is often re-traumatizing.

Examples of passive reenactments can include:  

• Not being able to say no to someone who comes on to you or to getting involved with sexual activities that you are not interested in or are even repulsed by.

• Allowing someone to pressure you into sex or demand sex of you.

• Being involved with domineering/abusive partners.

• Being involved with shame-inducing behaviors—sexual activities that cause you to feel deep shame during or after sex. Examples: someone humiliating you sexually or saying derogatory things to you during or after sex.

• Practicing risky behaviors such as drinking too much or taking drugs at bars or parties, especially when out alone or where you don’t know anyone. This includes not watching your drink or leaving your drink to go to the restroom and not insisting that a man where a condom.  

Aggressive Reenactments

Those who identified with the aggressor or hid their shame behind a wall of arrogance or bravado often recreate the abuse by being aggressive sexually. This can include:

• Being sexually inappropriate (standing too close to a stranger, touching a stranger in an intimate way [hand on their leg, hip, back, behind]).

• Being sexually coercive or demanding.

• Humiliating and degrading your sexual partners.

• Being emotionally, physically or sexually abusive toward your partner.    

Identifying Shame-Inducing Sexual Compulsions

Shame is by far the most damaging aspect of CSA. Former victims carry a great deal of shame, causing them to have low self-esteem, self-hatred, a tendency to blame themselves when things go wrong, and a general feeling of being “less than” other people. If things weren’t bad enough for former victims, some find themselves locked into compulsive sexual behavior that can perpetuate feelings of helplessness, a sense of being bad, or out of control, resulting in further shaming. These sexual compulsions happen outside of conscious awareness and are often characterized by dissociation of thoughts, emotions and sensations related to the traumatic event.

The list below are some of the most common shame-inducing sexual compulsions––

sexual activities that can cause you to repeatedly reenact the pain, fear, or humiliation of the sexual trauma you suffered (either as the one in power or as the victim).    

• Engaging in humiliating sexual practices (sadomasochism, sex with animals)

• Combining sex with physical or emotional abuse or pain

• Frequent use of abusive sexual fantasies (either seeing oneself as the abuser or the abused)

• Engaging in promiscuous sex (many sexual relationships at the same time or in a row)

• Charging money for sex

• Having anonymous sex (in rest rooms, adult bookstores, telephone sex services)

• Acting out sexually in ways that are harmful to others (forcing someone to have sex)

• Acting out in ways that are harmful to yourself (allow yourself to be humiliated during sex)

• Manipulating others into having sex with you

• Demanding sex from others

• Using rape or other types of fantasies to gain sexual arousal or increase sexual arousal

• Committing sexual offenses (voyeurism, exhibitionism, molestation, sex with minors, incest, rape)

• Feeling addictively drawn to certain unhealthy sexual behaviors (sadomasochism)

• Continually using sexual slurs or degrading sexual comments to humiliate your partner or allowing your partner to do this to you

• Engaging in secretive or illicit sexual activities

• Relying on abusive pornography in order to become aroused   

Other sexual compulsions can be less obvious reenactments of the trauma of child sexual abuse and are more likely to be ways to cope with stress or self-punishing behaviors such as:

• Engaging in compulsive masturbation

• Engaging in risky sexual behavior (not using protection against disease or pregnancy)

• Being dishonest about sexual relationships (has more than one partner but professing to be monogamous)

• Engaging in sexual behavior that has caused problems in your primary relationship, at work, or with your health   

Eliminating Shame Inducing Behavior

If a client wishes to reduce or eliminate the amount of shame they feel they typically need to remove the above behaviors from their sexual repertoire. The same holds true if they wish to eliminate the likelihood that they will become involved in sexual reenactments. The most extreme, and therefore the most shaming of these behaviors include: talking to or treating your partner in degrading ways or asking to be talked to or treated in these ways; demanding sex or forcing someone to have sex; watching violent pornography; engaging in sadomasochism; and engaging in other dangerous sexual activities. These activities are all examples of extreme shame-inducing behaviors and are often reenactments of the abuse. Therefore, it is vitally important that your clients make a special effort to first identify and then to eliminate these particular behaviors from their sexual repertoire.

I’ve outlined some of the specific changes your clients can begin to make in order to eliminate these shame-producing behaviors and attitudes that may have dictated their sexual life.

Remedies for Passive Reenactors

Learning to Say No

While it may seem obvious that saying no is important and necessary, the truth is that many women and men don’t know they have the right to do so. It is also true that even more people don’t know how to say it. Practicing how to say “No!” teaches someone how to literally say “No!” in a strong, assertive manner—but perhaps even more important, it will give them permission to say it, not just with their words, but also with their actions and attitude. It will show them that they don’t have to just put up with unwanted sexual remarks or touches, and that by keeping silent, they may be giving people permission to go further than they should. It will help them to understand, on a deep emotional level, that they have a right to expect that their body is off-limits to anyone they don’t want touching them. The following exercise will help your clients become stronger in their resolve to stop allowing people to pressure them sexually.

Exercise #1 Saying No!

• Think of a fairly current situation in which someone recently disrespected, invaded or abused your body.

• Imagine that you are saying “No!” to this person.

• Now say it out loud. Say “No!” as many times as you feel like it. Notice how good it feels to say it.

• If you’d like, in addition to saying “No!” add any other words you feel like saying. For example, “No! You can’t do those things to me.” “No! I don’t want you to touch me like that!”  

Practicing saying “No!” will help your clients gain the needed courage to say it when they need to—whenever someone is trying to coerce them into sex when they don’t want it.

Know what is Healthy for You and What is Off-limits

This step is an especially crucial one. In many cases this goes beyond sexual “preferences” to sexual needs. For example, if the person who molested your client fondled their breasts as a part of the molestation, they may have an aversion to having their breasts touched. This is a common scenario and is completely understandable. On the other hand, if the perpetrator did everything else but touch their breasts, that may be a “safe zone” for them, a place on their body where they are not re-traumatized and from which they can actually derive some pleasure. If the perpetrator did not penetrate their vagina with his finger, his penis, or another object, having vaginal intercourse may be their “safe zone,” and may be quite pleasurable. A fairly common scenario is for former victims of CSA to be able to enjoy having their partner touch those parts of their body that were not touched by the abuser, as well as enjoying engaging in sexual activities that the abuser did not impose on them.

Exercise: What’s Off-Limits

• Make a list of the parts of your body you find uncomfortable to have touched. Don’t worry if you end up listing many parts of your body. This is common for former victims and is a reminder of just how traumatic the abuse was.

• Try to find the reason as to why someone touching a particular part of your body is uncomfortable for you. It probably is due to the fact that this part of your body was involved in the sexual abuse in some way.

• Now make a list of sexual activities that are uncomfortable, shaming, or triggering for you. Try to be as honest as you can, even if it means listing activities you believe you “should” like to do or have been doing.

• Write about the reasons why you think these sexual activities are uncomfortable, shaming or triggering for you. The more connections you can make the more in charge of your sexuality you will become.

• Finally, list the parts of other people’s body that you find uncomfortable to touch.

• Think of the possible reasons why these body parts are uncomfortable for you to touch.

• Now complete the following sentences:

Some parts of my body are just off-limits. These are: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am triggered by (have a post-traumatic response to) certain sex acts. These are: ___________________________________________________________________.

I am not comfortable looking at, touching, or feeling some parts of another person’s body. These are: _________________________________________________________________________.

Feel free to share these exercises with your clients but please cite the source (Put Your Past in the Past).

Remedies for Aggressive Reenactors

In the same way that many former victims reenact the abuse they experienced by being passive, many react to past abuse by being aggressive. As we have discussed, these people attempt to avoid further shaming by building a wall of protection to insulate themselves from the criticism of others. These same people often become bullies—attacking others before they have a chance to be attacked. But behind that aggression, behind that need to dominate or humiliate others, is a little child who is still shaking in his boots. Pretending to be tough and strong isn’t really solving the problem, and shaming and humiliating others before they have a chance to do it doesn’t help either. What will help is for your client to take off their mask, tear down that wall, and face the truth. They are just as vulnerable, just as hurt as any other victim of child abuse and they need to address their pain, humiliation, and fear instead of hiding it from themselves. Suggest they start by doing the following:

• Instead of demanding sex or compulsively masturbating, or watching pornography, ask yourself if sex is really what you need? Young children who were sexually abused often discover, perhaps for the first time, that their sexual organs can provide good feelings. This can be the start of compulsive masturbation or a sexual addiction. The child, and later the adult, grows to rely on sexual pleasure and sexual release in order to cope with feelings of shame, anxiety, fear, and anger. When you begin to obsess about sex it may be a signal that you are feeling shame or that you are feeling anxious, afraid, or angry. Or you may have been triggered. In addition, you may use sex as a way of avoiding your feelings and staying dissociated. For many former victims, sex becomes one of the only ways they can feel worthy, or they can interact with another person. In other words, your client may be having sex to fill needs that are not necessarily sexual, such as needs for physical contact, intimacy, and self-worth. They may be seeking sex because they need to be held. Many former victims don’t feel loved unless they are engaging in sex with someone.

• Ask yourself what sexual activity or sexual compulsion does for you. For example: What needs are you trying to fill when you have sex? Is sex the only way you can connect with other people? Is it the only way you think you can be loved? What painful emotions does the compulsion help you avoid? One of my clients answered the question in this way: Having a lot of sex makes me feel powerful. It keeps me from feeling how helpless and powerless I felt when I was being abused by my father.

• If you discover that you are using sex, or fantasies of sex, to cope with shame, anxiety, fear or anger, find other, healthier ways of coping. This is also where self-soothing strategies come in. Instead of using sex or sexual fantasies to soothe yourself, find soothing strategies that work for you (taking a warm bath, gently touching your arm and saying something like, “You’re okay,” or “You’re safe now”).

• Learn what your triggers are—what emotions or circumstances catapult you back in the past to memories of the abuse. If you haven’t made a trigger list, do so now.

• Check to see if you have been triggered by shame. Shame is an especially powerful yet common trigger. For example, if you have been triggered by shame (your partner complains about the fact that you don’t make more money) offer yourself some self-compassion. Compassion is the antidote to shame so tell yourself something like, “It is understandable that I would feel shame about not making more money. But I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. I don’t feel good enough about myself to go out and try to find a better paying job but eventually I will.”

• If you tend to be sexually controlling or demanding, practice taking a more passive-receptive role. At first this will likely feel uncomfortable or even scary. You took on an aggressive stance in order to avoid feeling small or vulnerable. But if you can practice being more passive a little at a time (i.e., adjusting so that you are on the bottom and your partner is on top) you will likely discover that it actually feels good to relax and let your partner, take over.

• Allow yourself to be more vulnerable with your sexual partners. If a partner has opened up to you and shared information about their childhood, see if you can do the same. You don’t have to tell the person that you were sexually abused, but test out how it feels to share other information about your childhood that you don’t normally share with others. Opening up and becoming vulnerable will feel risky at first but if you choose wisely who you reveal yourself to, you will likely discover that it feels good to be more open.

• Avoid exposure to things that reinforce or replicate the sexual abuse mindset. This includes television programs, movies, books, magazines, websites, and other influences that portray sex as manipulation, coercion, domination, or violence.

• Avoid pornography or work toward weaning yourself off of pornography if you use it regularly or feel you might be addicted. For former victims of CSA watching pornography can be especially problematic because you are reenacting an abusive dynamic that disengages you from yourself, and opportunities for respectful sexual relationships. Pornography has aspects of sexual abuse such as secrecy, shame, and dominance—all tied up with sexual arousal. Pornography is especially harmful to sexual healing because it is often a depiction of sex as one person dominating another (usually a male dominating a female) which is a reenactment of CSA. Specific problems caused by watching pornography include:

  • Those who were sexually abused are often inundated with feelings of shame and try to distract themselves from these feelings by watching porn. But ironically, after viewing pornography and masturbating to it, it is common for former victims to feel shame, disgust and failure—the very feelings they have been trying to get relief from in the first place.

  • Former victims tend to keep their pornography watching a secret from their partners. This can mirror the way sexual abuse was kept a secret, and in that sense can be a reenactment. When their partner finds out their sense of betrayal can be overwhelming and can cause as much harm to the relationship as pornography itself. More than one-quarter of women viewed pornography watching as a kind of affair. (10)

  • Viewing pornography is, generally speaking, not about connection, intimacy, and affection. Instead, there is a blurring of boundaries around acceptable sexual behaviors, especially where there are overtly humiliating or degrading practices. Researchers have found that over 80% of pornography includes acts of physical aggression towards women, while almost 50% includes verbal aggression. Only 10% of scenes contained positive caring behaviors such as kissing, embracing or laughter.

  • Research also shows that viewing pornography can influence the viewer’s sexual interests and practices. A 2011 study found that people who watched violent pornographic material were more likely to report that they had done something sexually violent or aggressive. Another study found that men who watch violent pornography or are frequent viewers of pornography, are more likely to say they would rape a woman if they could get away with it.   

• Use new language when referring to sex. The way a person talks about sex influences how he or she thinks about it. Avoid slang terms such as screwing, banging, getting a piece, etc. Instead, use terms such as making love, being physically intimate. Stop using words for sex parts such as prick, dick, boobs, tits, cunt, and asshole. Instead, use anatomically correct and accurate terms such as penis, breasts, vagina, and anus.

• Learn more about healthy sex. Read books and articles that can help you educate yourself more about healthy sex. Attend classes, lectures, or workshops at which healthy models for sex are being presented.

• Tell someone about the abuse. The most important benefit of disclosing is that you will be allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to admitting how much you were hurt. This will help you lower your defenses and not always have to be the one in charge.

• Enter psychotherapy or join a survivor’s group. This can be especially difficult for males. Research has found that male survivors are less likely to report or discuss their trauma, and more likely to externalize their responses to CSA by engaging in compulsive sexual behavior.   

***

It is vitally important that clients stop blaming themselves for the ways they have attempted to cope with the sexual abuse they experienced. I’ve never met a sexual abuse victim who didn’t have sexual issues—whether it is the two extremes of avoiding sex, or being sexually promiscuous; having feelings of fear or repulsion about certain sexual behaviors, or parts of the body; or inappropriate or even dangerous sexual fantasies or compulsions. But this doesn’t mean it isn’t possible to confront and heal these unhealthy ideas and practices.

References

(1) Natalie, Tapia. (2014). Survivors of child sex abuse and predictors of adult re-victimization in the United States. International Journal of Clinical Justice Sciences. 9(1),64-73.

(2) Filipas, H., & Ullman, S. (2006). Child sexual abuse, coping responses, self-blame, post-traumatic stress, and adult sexual revictimization. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 21(5), 652-672.

(3) Noll, J. G. (2003). Re-victimization and self-harm in females who experienced childhood sexual abuse: Results from a prospective s. Journal of Interpersonal Violence 12(18), 1452-71.

(4) Oshri, A, et. Al. (2012). Childhood maltreatment histories, alcohol and other drug use symptoms, and sexual risk in a treatment sample of adolescents. American Journal of Public Health. 102(82), S250-S257.

(5). Classen, C. C., et.al. (2005). Sexual re-victimization: A review of empirical literature. Treating Violence and Abuse.4(6), 103-129.

(6) Hanson, R. K., & Slater, S. (1988). Sexual victimization in the history of child sexual abusers: A review. Annals of Sex Research, 1:485-499.

(7) Baril, K. (n.d.). Sexual abuse in the childhood of perpetrators: INSPQ. Institut national de santé publique du Québec. https://www.inspq.qc.ca/en/sexual-assault/fact-sheets/sexual-abuse-childhood-perpetrators 

(8) McClanahan, S., etal. (1999). Pathways into prostitution among female jail detainees and the implications for mental health services. Psychiatric Services, December, 50 (12), 1606-1613.

(9) McIntyre, J. K., & Spatz Widom, C. (2011). Childhood victimization and crime victimization. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 26(4), 640–663.

(10) Lumby, C., Albury, K., & McKee, A. (2019, February 12). Problematic use of pornography - living well. Living Well - A resource for men who have been sexually abused or sexually assaulted, for partners, family and friends and for professionals. https://livingwell.org.au/managing-difficulties/problematic-use-pornography/

©2025, Psychotherapy.net