Separation and Reunion

Hide-and-seek is a universal game enjoyed by children across different cultures and ages. It reflects the ongoing interaction of separation and reunion that begins in infancy. As children develop emotionally, they transition from infancy to toddlerhood and eventually to childhood, engaging in various play activities such as peekaboo, chasing, and hide-and-seek. These games help children navigate developmental challenges, allowing them to experience loss and learn how to manage the dynamics of separation and reunion while forming close relationships with others. Playing peekaboo and hide-and-seek help children transition from relying on the physical presence of their caregivers to developing mental representations of them that they can recall when the caregivers are not around. Play allows a child to make sense of their experiences. Play Therapy provides a therapeutic environment in which children can explore the unconscious independently. Children inherently strive for growth and healing. Our role as play therapists is simply to create the right therapeutic space and setup, enabling them to express and address what needs to be transformed or resolved. This is why play therapists don’t have to actively introduce concepts; children naturally initiate hide-and-seek themes on their own in the playroom.

Attachment and Loss

The presence of repetitive hide-and-seek in play therapy suggests the child may have experienced an inability to master the developmental task of emotional constancy, had (or has) a break in attachment where the child did not feel wanted or desired, or weak attachment bonds.

A major task of childhood is achieving emotional constancy. Emotional constancy is the ability to have an inner conviction of being ‘me and no one else’ while also respecting and valuing the separateness of others. Achieving emotional constancy enhances one’s ability to manage emotions during change or in response to anger, disappointment, and frustration. Hide-and-seek is essentially the child’s attempt to overcome and work through the earlier developmental need to understand that people can disappear but then return.

Boy who wanted to be found

Jeremy is an 8-year-old boy who faced medical complications at birth and continues to live with a rare heart condition. He was separated from his mother and spent several months in the Intensive Care Unit before his parents could bring him home from the hospital.

As we entered the playroom, he looked at me with the biggest smile on his face. I looked back with glee.

“You’re excited to play today,” I said.

“Yes. Because I am going to hide now, don’t look,” he shouted! “Close your eyes,” he added as he ran toward the other end of the playroom.

With my eyes closed and my hands over them, I waited while he hid. After some time, I softly walked around looking for him.

“Oh, where are you,” I asked. “Where did you go?”

Before I could make my way around the playroom, he popped out.

“Here I am!”

“Oh, there you are. I was wondering where you went.”

He shook his head in agreement.

“Again, find me again,” he quickly directed!

Jeremy played variations of hide-and-seek with me, and also in the burying and unburying objects in the sand during our time together in the play. He often struggled to stay hidden during the process, popping out or revealing himself before I could find him (or the object) suggesting he struggled with the tensions of aloneness and deep down feared no one would notice or “find him.” Across time and throughout the sessions, he was able to spend more time hidden and eventually developed confidence in sitting with tensions of oneness and separateness. I was careful to attune to his desire to be seen, heard, and found.

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For Jeremy, and others his age and developmental level, hide-and-seek symbolizes the universal human desire to be seen and heard. Play therapy allows children to explore, restore, and practice the concerns that occupy their inner world. Engaging in hide-and-seek with me helped him to manage anxiety, while also fostering a sense of mastery and reinforcing his self-worth.

Questions for Thought and Discussion

What childhood games have you effectively utilized in therapy?

What are your impressions of the way this author used hide-and-seek?

Given the child’s presenting issue, what might you have focused on in the playroom with him?  

File under: Musings and Reflections, Child & Adolescent Therapy