The other day, one of my clients asked me, “Isn’t it unfair to know that they [people around me] still can’t figure out that I am going through something and that I have to spell it out every single time, even after all these years?”
Lately, many of my clients have been dealing with the feeling of disappointment in their close relationships when they’ve come to realize that these bonds may not be as they once believed them to be, even after years together. It can be a parent, spouse, or close friends—it doesn’t matter. As their therapist, I have found myself sailing in the same boat, and I am at a crossroad when I am with them in that room trying to hold space for their disappointment—while allowing for my own. I am realizing there is another person who creeps into that space; my own outside-of-therapy-self who is learning to deal with the weight of similar disappointment with those in my life. It’s uncanny how these clients came into my life at the same time. I don’t think this is just a coincidence.
Sometimes, I treat the people in my life in ways similar to how I secretly want them to treat me. I extend my heart in kindness, my eyes to truly witness them, my ears to listen, and my words to comfort them—hoping silently that they will do the same for me.
A client might be sitting in front of me, saying all this as the realization suddenly hits them that their disappointment and anger may be coming from an unmet personal need to be cared for or about. Eventually, the other person falls short of these unspoken expectations, and they sit there enraged, but mostly feeling hopeless and disappointed with the inevitable reality of unmet expectations.
They, like I, build a certain image of a person and our relationship with them in our minds which keeps us from seeing them as they are—humans with flaws. And this can come with a sense of grief of having to let go of a version of a relationship they—and I—hoped for, but that simply was never there or that doesn’t exist outside of the mind’s eye.
As both a therapist and citizen of the world, I believe the mask also comes off only at the time when my clients are ready to see reality as it is. The reality in itself is not bleak; it’s just different. The challenge lies in the decision to take the next step—to fully embrace the reality of a changed relationship with the imagined person who disappoints, rather than continued anger and disappointment. It’s about considering the new, altered relationship rather than expecting it to change. That decision can be made well when it comes from a clear mind and not while in the throes of grief.
Inside the therapy sessions, I see my clients face this disappointment and ask the important questions. Initially, it used to make me feel as helpless as my clients felt. Once we are able to talk about the helplessness, and acknowledge the disappointment that comes with it, we reach a point where I can address their unmet needs that led them to hold on to those versions of relationships that never existed. This, then, opens space for addressing how together, we can fulfill these needs outside of the existing relationships. Only then is there hope that my clients can open their hearts to reconnect and renew older connections with a new perspective.
The message I try to communicate is to be open to the grief and to sit with the disappointment. I ask my clients to open a space for grief related not to the relationship per se, but to expectations that the relationship will or might change. As a therapist, I invite clients to make space for that hopelessness, while as a person, I feel privileged to have clients whose lived experiences I get to learn from and seek support. I thank them for giving me that space, too, unknowingly. This is what happens when a therapist and a client walk through the same storm together. I have not known a greater community support than this!
The fluidity of relationships is beautiful. They shift, stretch, and evolve. They permit me and my client(s) to come out of fantasies in our own time. It allows for a new light and a fresh definition of connection with them. Disappointment is not the end of a relationship but the beginning of a truer one. When my clients—or I—make a space for grief, there is the possibility of re-connection.
It took us some time to reach the point where he could acknowledge that relationships often come with disappointment and to digest the ever-changing nature of relationships. As he described these situations, he attempted to soothe himself as he processed the years of disappointment that came with this realization. My goal was to be fully present, mirroring his feelings. This understanding paved our way for communication with a fresh base and a new outlook to look at his existing relationships. An important lesson learned!
File under: The Art of Psychotherapy, Musings and Reflections
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Unmet Expectations
I sat there in quiet surprise as I remembered asking the same question to myself a few days before. I thought, this is going to be interesting!Lately, many of my clients have been dealing with the feeling of disappointment in their close relationships when they’ve come to realize that these bonds may not be as they once believed them to be, even after years together. It can be a parent, spouse, or close friends—it doesn’t matter. As their therapist, I have found myself sailing in the same boat, and I am at a crossroad when I am with them in that room trying to hold space for their disappointment—while allowing for my own. I am realizing there is another person who creeps into that space; my own outside-of-therapy-self who is learning to deal with the weight of similar disappointment with those in my life. It’s uncanny how these clients came into my life at the same time. I don’t think this is just a coincidence.
Sometimes, I treat the people in my life in ways similar to how I secretly want them to treat me. I extend my heart in kindness, my eyes to truly witness them, my ears to listen, and my words to comfort them—hoping silently that they will do the same for me.
A client might be sitting in front of me, saying all this as the realization suddenly hits them that their disappointment and anger may be coming from an unmet personal need to be cared for or about. Eventually, the other person falls short of these unspoken expectations, and they sit there enraged, but mostly feeling hopeless and disappointed with the inevitable reality of unmet expectations.
They, like I, build a certain image of a person and our relationship with them in our minds which keeps us from seeing them as they are—humans with flaws. And this can come with a sense of grief of having to let go of a version of a relationship they—and I—hoped for, but that simply was never there or that doesn’t exist outside of the mind’s eye.
From Disappointment to Acceptance
The period of transition from disappointment with and acceptance of people as they are knows no age bounds. The realization can come at any stage of life. And when the realization does come, it is important for the person to accept that the origin of the disappointment is not in the other person, but the result of their own unmet, and likely longstanding inner need for validation. These versions of relationships aren’t lies; they were (and are still) survival tools. In difficult times, they were needed to support the idea that the bond existed. That belief, even if idealized, was sufficient.As both a therapist and citizen of the world, I believe the mask also comes off only at the time when my clients are ready to see reality as it is. The reality in itself is not bleak; it’s just different. The challenge lies in the decision to take the next step—to fully embrace the reality of a changed relationship with the imagined person who disappoints, rather than continued anger and disappointment. It’s about considering the new, altered relationship rather than expecting it to change. That decision can be made well when it comes from a clear mind and not while in the throes of grief.
Inside the therapy sessions, I see my clients face this disappointment and ask the important questions. Initially, it used to make me feel as helpless as my clients felt. Once we are able to talk about the helplessness, and acknowledge the disappointment that comes with it, we reach a point where I can address their unmet needs that led them to hold on to those versions of relationships that never existed. This, then, opens space for addressing how together, we can fulfill these needs outside of the existing relationships. Only then is there hope that my clients can open their hearts to reconnect and renew older connections with a new perspective.
The message I try to communicate is to be open to the grief and to sit with the disappointment. I ask my clients to open a space for grief related not to the relationship per se, but to expectations that the relationship will or might change. As a therapist, I invite clients to make space for that hopelessness, while as a person, I feel privileged to have clients whose lived experiences I get to learn from and seek support. I thank them for giving me that space, too, unknowingly. This is what happens when a therapist and a client walk through the same storm together. I have not known a greater community support than this!
The fluidity of relationships is beautiful. They shift, stretch, and evolve. They permit me and my client(s) to come out of fantasies in our own time. It allows for a new light and a fresh definition of connection with them. Disappointment is not the end of a relationship but the beginning of a truer one. When my clients—or I—make a space for grief, there is the possibility of re-connection.
Case in Point
I once worked with a client who came to me with the complaint of feeling angry most of the time. “Kunal” was a well settled person in his 30s who had been married for a long time. At the time he was coming in, he had been feeling frustrated in every conversation he was having with people close to him. In our sessions, he would ask questions like, ‘They understand when I am happy, why do the bad moods need to be spelled out?’ Every time, I could see the disappointment and sadness spread across his face.It took us some time to reach the point where he could acknowledge that relationships often come with disappointment and to digest the ever-changing nature of relationships. As he described these situations, he attempted to soothe himself as he processed the years of disappointment that came with this realization. My goal was to be fully present, mirroring his feelings. This understanding paved our way for communication with a fresh base and a new outlook to look at his existing relationships. An important lesson learned!
File under: The Art of Psychotherapy, Musings and Reflections