As a therapist, the language I use can shape the way clients navigate their relationships as it provides a framework where thinking and behaving can take place. In couples therapy, my main goal is to help clients cultivate, commit, and execute on their shared vision. Over the past two decades, I have found that helping clients redefine negotiation, compromise, and sacrifice is essential for fostering healthier dynamics and building a sustainable strong foundation for the future of their relationship. These are terms that are often misunderstood yet widely used and profoundly impact the quality of their relationships.

Clarifying Expectations: A Foundational Practice

In casual, low-stakes situations, many individuals tend to effectively clarify expectations. For example, hiring someone to paint a house involves clear discussions about the scope, timeline, and payment. Yet in personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, expectations are often unspoken or assumed.

Couples often bring different goals, values, and assumptions into their shared lives, which can lead to misunderstandings unless explicitly addressed. When the vision for a relationship is not clear and agreed upon, it can leave room for mismatched priorities regarding resources, which could lead to further conflict in a relationship. For instance, one partner may dream of moving to a new city, while the other wants to stay near family. Similarly, one might desire children, while the other feels uncertain or uninterested. Financial priorities can also differ, with one valuing saving for the future, while the other emphasizes enjoying life in the present. On a more conceptual level, one might define privacy and secrecy very differently than the other person.

These principles, however, extend beyond romantic relationships and can help clients navigate workplace relationships, friendships, and family connections. Making these distinctions is critical. Specifically, when working with singles or couples to carve out their shared vision, understanding these concepts is essential to fostering healthy dynamics and avoiding long-term resentment. Addressing these needs, visions and expectations thoughtfully is crucial, as they directly influence resource allocation and life priorities.

Negotiation: A Daily Practice

Negotiations are what we do daily to navigate life when we are partnering with someone (where to go for dinner, who picks up the kids, etc.). Usually the stakes are not as high depending on the sensitivities within a coupledom, and some couples might not even call it that. When I bring up the word negotiation, depending on the cultural context of the clients, they might be surprised and sometimes even offended thinking: this is not the language we use in loving relationships, and it is best to be left to the business world where transactions happen.

The way I expand on the concept of negotiation and help clients to come around, is to explain that, in any relationship, there are certain currencies involved (again, going back to the language we use, many people think that currency is only applicable to monetary entities). Based on social exchange theory, we are all looking for an exchange of some sort when we are interacting with the outside world. This might not be conscious or intentional; nonetheless, it is always present.

Therapeutic Insight: Negotiation provides clients with a sense of agency, it helps individuals learn how to take accountability over what they desire in life, show up for it, and articulate it with their partner. Otherwise, we all have seen cases that one went along with the other only to find out somewhere along the way that “this is not what I wanted,” while the other person didn’t have a clue. As a therapist, I can coach clients to approach these conversations as opportunities for collaboration, encouraging them to listen deeply, receive what is offered, and then formulate their responses in a thoughtful and authentic manner.

Compromise: Balancing Individual and Shared Needs

Compromise often involves ensuring both partners feel their needs are valued. This step helps partners identify areas of alignment and divergence, usually without resorting to defensiveness or rigidity. It requires mutual give-and-take and intentionality to avoid one-sided concessions. It is not always meeting in the middle as it is believed to be, because healthy relationships are not based on equality or 50/50 as many of us working with couples would agree. They are based on equity where everyone involved is satisfied in their own ways.

Therapeutic Insight: It’s crucial to remind clients that compromise doesn’t always mean equality in the moment—it’s about creating equity over time. I encourage them to assess whether the “currencies” being exchanged feel worthwhile and sustainable.

Sacrifice: When It Becomes Unhealthy

Sacrifice often involves one partner giving up something significant, which can lead to resentment if done without open communication or equitable acknowledgment. For instance, one relocates for her partner’s job, leaving behind her career and community while not having a chance to assess her own needs in short and long term and without continued communication as things evolve with this move. Without mutual appreciation and a plan to address her needs, resentment may develop, impacting the relationship’s health.

Therapeutic Insight: Help clients reflect on whether a potential sacrifice aligns with their values and long-term goals. Sacrifice should be a conscious, collaborative decision rather than an expectation.  

Cultural Context and Relational Dynamics

When I’m talking about relational dynamics, I am also talking about what defines them for individuals and couples. Cultural, religious, and gendered expectations often influence how clients perceive negotiation, compromise, and sacrifice. For one couple, sacrifice might be the way to go (and might even be expected of a good wife) and for another, it might just be a figure of speech while in reality the description of the dynamic resembles a negotiation pattern for the therapist.

I have found that exploring these factors is essential to helping clients identify patterns that may unconsciously shape their behavior. Meet them where they are and empower clients to define their relational values and vision, rather than defaulting to inherited scripts.

Some Practical Applications for Psychotherapy

These are some practical ways I have incorporated the above strategies into my clinical work with couples:

With singles, I encourage clients to clarify their non-negotiables and flexible areas before entering relationships. This self-awareness equips them to negotiate and compromise effectively when building connections.

With couples, I guide each to regularly revisit their shared vision—perhaps at the start of a new year or on anniversaries. This practice ensures their goals evolve alongside their individual and collective growth.

In the broader context, I try to apply these principles to familial and professional relationships, helping clients navigate complex dynamics with greater intentionality and respect.

Case Application

Rory and their kids loved skiing, while Hunter despised it—not just the sport but the cold and all the logistics involved. Before they had kids, this wasn’t an issue. They simply did their own things in winter, and no one thought much of it. However, once their kids reached skiing age, the dynamic shifted. Rory planned to spend every winter weekend skiing with the kids, and Hunter realized what this would mean for him.

In the first year of ski school, Hunter found himself waking up at six in the morning to help pack lunches, wrangle the kids’ gear, and drive 80 miles to the mountain. Rory and the kids thrived on this, but Hunter was miserable. He felt he had no options: staying home without a car wasn’t fulfilling, and joining in was even worse. To Hunter, it all felt like an unwelcome sacrifice.

Entering the second year, Hunter and Rory recognized that their dynamic wasn’t sustainable. They began to negotiate in earnest. Rory explained her perspective:  

I grew up skiing; it’s my passion. It’s really important to me to pass that on to the kids because they love it too. I hardly get to see them during the week, and bonding with them over skiing feels really meaningful. I don’t want to give this up, but I also don’t like feeling guilty all the time. I know this isn’t working for you. Is there a way we can make this work for both of us? 

Hunter shared his struggles and feelings of resentment, and through multiple conversations and creative problem-solving, they found a solution that worked for both of them. Rory took over 90% of the labor involved in ski school, including handling all the gear and logistics. Hunter agreed to pack lunches and have dinner ready when they returned. Rory bought a second car, so Hunter had options on weekends. Hunter decided he would join them for a few ski trips each season for family bonding, but otherwise enjoyed rare, unstructured time to himself—a precious commodity as a stay-at-home dad.

This arrangement worked beautifully. Rory was able to share her love of skiing with the kids, which was incredibly meaningful to her, while Hunter gained much-needed personal time and no longer felt trapped in a situation he despised. Hunter and Rory’s story illustrates how healthy compromises work; neither partner “won” nor “lost.” Instead, they both gave a little and got a little. Through negotiation and compromise, they reached a solution that felt equitable and allowed them to move forward with confidence and mutual respect.  

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Negotiation, compromise, and sacrifice are integral to shaping a life together. By teaching clients to differentiate these concepts, I hope to empower them to engage in relationships as active participants rather than passive followers. Healthy relationships require adaptability, mutual respect, and clear communication. Whether clients are building a life with a partner, strengthening family bonds, or deciding on a career path, these tools equip them to foster meaningful, sustainable connections. As a therapist, my role is to guide clients in creating these shared visions with intention, ensuring their relational choices align with their values and aspirations.

Questions for Thought and Discussion

How does the author’s work resonate with your own couples therapy?

Which of the three elements of change do you use in your clinical work with couples?

What additional or different interventions do you use with couples?

How would you have worked differently with Hunter and Rory?   

File under: Couples Therapy, Musings and Reflections